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He intentionally mowed down a flower I had been growing all summer in front of my eyes.  He has sabotaged three jobs in as many weeks, he's being hostile, angry, jumpy, bitter.

He keeps muttering about not being worth... .crap.  He's beating himself up all the time and sees himself sabotaging opportunity after opportunity, but continues to do so.

I try to keep calm, but I toggle between hating him for making this so hard, and well, no.  Right now, I just hate him.  Isn't the first time he's ruined something I've loved.  Probably wont be the last.  this SUCKS!

love the man hate the illness love the man hate the illness love the man

Crumbling,

Any more incidents like this?  How are things going for you?

Sometimes this behavior is to provoke you into anger so that they can then react and soothe themselves by channeling their own anger through you.

 

Thanks for your concern.  Yea, he's calmed down, for now.  I didn't loose my cool at him, but I did make it clear that his actions were not acceptable, and were hurtful for me. And that I needed distance between us because he obviously had some anger issues he needed to work through.  I smiled (  ) and told him it was okay and that I understood and hoped he'd understand why I needed some space too. 

Then I went for a walk, and plotted all sorts of evil retaliations!  I didn't do any of them, of course, but it sure felt fun to dream.  It helped me a lot to stomp in here, spew my feelings out on this site and get all my screaming done on paper.  It was only after I had done this that I felt strong enough to face him with calmness and solid ground.

Thanks

bpdfamily!

I'm glad you have found this site empowering!  And congratulations for calmness and solid ground!

|iiii  

What do you see as your next big step?

My next big step?  I've been thinking about your question for days.  Or maybe more true would be I've been avoiding that questions for days.

Even again yesterday I got a call - someone in support of my very-close-to-being-a-reality business.  His mood changed the second the call came in.  He lashed out with words at me as soon as I got off the phone.  I turned the focus back on him, he's waiting to hear about a job he's worked really hard to get, assuring him he will get his call, that he deserves it, that I know he's done the best he can and that I'm proud of him.  I've also tried to make sure he understands that the past ten years has brought us to this point, where I am ready to move a head with this business idea and that he has been a big contributor to where we are right now.  Validation validation validation.

I guess I'm putting stock in the progress I've seen him make since he started therapy eight months ago.  I'm telling myself that once he gets a job that's validating for him, he will stop being so resentful to me.  He will hopefully see the benefits for both of us once we get into a proper routine, and he is out of my hair through the weekdays. 

If I'm going to be completely honest, I'm afraid he would give in to his suicidal thoughts if I left.  I'm not considering this at the moment.  If I left now he would be at rock bottom.  His life would consist of nothing and I can't do that to him because he has hurting my feeling.  Does that make sense?  Am I being too co-dependant? 

I feel like he is trying, even though he's not always succeeding.  And that's a step up from where we were a year ago.  I didn't leave then, so I really have less reason to leave now if it's based on his commitment to getting better.  All that being said, I know I am not prepared to sacrifice this business opportunity for his comfort and appeasement.  I think he realizes that.