BPDFamily.com

Hi Guys!  Remember me?  I was here a lot over the Christmas holiday last year.  My SO who I suspected was BPD and had been diagnosed as Bi Polar had called off our wedding two days before the big day and moved out.  It was after that I realized he had been screwing around with multiple women AND had been on the dating sites, even while living with and engaged to me.

I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of the depression alive or sane, no joke.  I had just started getting up on my knees this past May when my girlfriend introduced me to a male friend of hers that she THOUGHT was a great guy and a perfect match for me.  Unfortunately, the attraction was immediate and I managed to ignore all the red flags (there were TOO MANY to count) and wind up right back in a similar relationship.

Now, two and a half months later, he has devalued me and dumped me to pursue the gal he has apparently been seeing all along (even though he made it a demand and point that we date exclusively... guess those rules were for me to abide by, not him).

The good news is, he made me finally get over the first BPD and I realized I could, INDEED find someone else attractive and fall again.  Luckily, this guy made my first guy look stunted in the way he was able to gt through all the steps in 2.5 months, not 16 months.  So, though I am emotionally bruised and battered, humiliated and disgusted with men more than ever, I was NOT so deep in that I am left devastated and suicidal. 

But, I realize now that I never truly fixed what is broken inside of me.  I did not deal with what landed me in the first nightmare and apparently we nons with FOO issues put off a very distinct scent cause this guy tracked, caught and bagged me like it was nothing.

I'm learning a painful lesson that until I deal with me, lightning can and will continue to strike me in my steps.

Why do I see the signs CLEARLY and still let someone talk me into something I know will prove catastrophic?  Am I punishing myself for something or feel I deserve this?

I am beginning to feel that true, honest, monogamous and loving relationships are only for "other" people... I'm not worthy of it.

Pardon me if I am wrong. But I don't think you are punishing yourself for something. Maybe it was a bit too soon and you weren't emotionally ready? Having an engagement break off two days before wedding is a terrible shock in life. And finally seeing that instant attraction was because subconsciously it felt like your old ex and then you ignored the red flags because you wanted to move on?

Personally, I would wait till I was 101% sure I was emotionally healthy and ready to start seeing someone. And from my past experience, to take it super slowly because now every cell of my body knows that the brighter the flame, the faster it will burn out.

I've been done before as well,  the thing was at the time I never knew what had happened so I never really recovered from it, it took me 3 years to put myself out there again and lo and behold I opened up to a borderline waif.

Would you also belive that on one of the "breaks" another girl came into my life, hypersexual, overly sensetive,  self harmer. 

Don't know if she was BPD or just had issues but I saw the red flags and got out of dodge. I'm like a magnet to these sort of women


Anyways at least this time I realized what happened to me and I just want to be able to take positive steps and move on now, I realized I have white knight issues and am a massive sucker for these damsels in distress,  need to sort myself out and stop attracting this sort of thing because it'll be the death of me if I can't.

Believing you're punishing yourself, deserve it, or are not worthy of a great relationship are beliefs that don't do you any good, they're disempowering.  Better to pick apart the relationships, and you have two now, lots of data, lucky girl, and see what happened at each step.  What you believed about yourself, what you believed about him, what you did as a result, each step of the way.  That will do two things: it will allow you to clearly see what you did that didn't serve you, be it a disempowering belief that needs to be changed or a behavior that came out of a belief, and it will condition you to do that in real time as you go along with a new guy.

The bottom line for me is to just slow down.  I've learned a lot about myself and who I show up as in relationships, and it's a matter of slowing down, staying present, and not letting anything slide, bring it all up, and the right person will help me work through it, the wrong one will just tell me I'm wrong or whatever.  Plus, if someone's always trying to persuade me, get me to do something, act in a one-up position, I get to stand up for myself, one, and seriously question why someone wants what's best for them and not me all the time.  Take care of you!

Good stuff!  |iiii