BPDFamily.com

Things have been going better.  I'm grateful for that.  No rages or incidents of screaming at me for over a month.  No nervous breakdowns that include throwing things, self harm, or statements about killing herself in over 3 weeks.  I think she and I have communicated better during that time, and I have been doing better at listening to her negative complaints rather than tune them out. 

But the background of BPD is still there, and can still frustrate the hell out of me. 

1) The double standards.  She had a mini-rant about a resort town near here, saying that place is "ruined" for her because she knows an ex girlfriend of mine lives there. So, she would not want to go to that resort town just to sight see for that reason.  Okay.  But we are planning to go to New York in a month an a half, where she has plenty of ex boyfriends (one of whom I may actually be forced to meet), so what if I said that I never want to go there with her for that reason?  She'd be furious!  I think I am upset over this, but I don't know if this is something worth making a point of, or something I just have to learn to accept with BPD.

2) I took Friday off for self-care, but by 10am she was already texting me asking if I wanted to help her with her classroom.  I'm glad I declined.  Saturday I ran errands with her (all things she could have done alone), and didn't really get done until dinner. Sunday I told her I was well behind on things I needed to do.  She spent sunday organizing her clothes for a few hours, then planning for the week.  I don't mind handling the housework, but I do feel hurt when she makes comments about her "doing everything" in regards to the wedding planning and the New York trip.  So I cooked dinner, cleaned the dishes, then sat down on the sofa to her overwhelmed buying plane tickets, and commenting, "I'm tired of doing all the work."  Grumble.  Not sure how to handle this.

3) Sex.  Constant self-loathing comments are a turn off.  Her being mentally distracted during sex is a turn off.  Yet, that's what I deal with.  Not sure if this will ever get better.

4) This morning I awoke with her complaining about her sister for not responding to an email or not sounding excited about her getting married.  I can understand that frustration, but first thing in the morning?  Putting myself in her sister's shoes - she's a reclusive and depressive person who had a failed marriage.  She's probably also used to my fiancé's wild life and probably seen too many failures and doesn't want to get her hopes up.  So I validated that it hurts to not hear back from someone, and it hurts when loved ones don't share your excitement, but I also suggested she did nothing to hurt her sister, and that her sister is probably dealing with her own issues.  She went from being frustrated and hurt by her sister, to crying that she screwed everything up in her communication with her sister and shouldering all the blame in less than 20 minutes. Then I got asked if I think she should call her sister.  Grumble.  I hate being asked "should I?"  My frustration?  Being asked to be emotionally involved in all these issues.  If a friend doesn't call her back, or a co-worker is a little rude, or if her dad said something to upset her, I'm always informed.  If I don't validate and comfort, I'm doomed.  I don't mind doing this for bigger issues.  But when it's the same thing day in day out, and every day, it gets tiresome.

Just venting here.  I'm grateful for this site just for a place to type it all out.  It helps.

Isn't is amazing when the big stuff is either worked out, in the past, or in remission, the little stuff starts becoming more important, or annoying?  I've just learned to use the tools & techniques for everything 

Amen to that!

Masterling, I am glad things are going better for you but I do understand the frustration when BPD behaviors are still in play.

The double standard is amazing, I have gone and still going through many similar situations as you with my uBPDw. Some times I wonder if I shouldn't be more upset by the things she does and sees nothing wrong with them. I also start thinking what she accuses me of is projection and that really starts me questioning.

She has been doing better about keeping picked up after herself and helping with household chores but she does complain. I worry how long it will last.

Sex... .wow... .I have no interest and she thinks it's because I need a blue pill, of course it couldn't have anything to do with her behavior or past cut downs.

I really don't understand the last one, my uBPDw does this constantly with her friends and family but then it is just like she does with us non's

All we can do is keep strong and continue learning new skills