BPDFamily.com

Ever since I learned about my Mom's BPD about two weeks ago, I've been doing a ton of research trying to make sense of it all.

Over the past 2-3 days, I've felt nothing but a mixture of sadness and numbness.  I can hardly collect my thoughts to write this post, let alone continue job-hunting.

I haven't been able to call my BPD Mom.  We've talked twice in the past two weeks, and she called both times.  I just don't know how to speak to her anymore.  Our conversations are always the same; her grinding me down with winded, repetitive lectures about my problems (with no regard to her problems, every time I bring them up, she gets angry).  Every time I bring up the subject of her seeing a therapist, she'll deny that she needs it (of course.)

I love her so much, but I've lost the ability to speak to her.  I feel sadder than I have felt in a very long time.  I feel as if I am making her fears of abandonment come true.  When she says "I miss you." and I respond "I miss you too."  She says "You don't have to say it if you don't mean it." 

I really don't know what to do right now.  I miss her and want to speak to her, but I feel torn.

That's how you feel, Shelle, and those feelings are real. Switch that around, however:

"She is driving her fear of abandonment to come true."


When you said, "I miss you too," did it feel more automatic than real?

Hi Shelle,


Learning about BPD and going through all the resources can be quite overwhelming. It's a lot to process so I can understand why you're feeling this way. It can help to be gentle with yourself, you just recently learned about BPD and processing all the new information may take awhile. You are probably learning to see you're mother in a new light now or for the first time are stepping out of your own denial. I understand why you would try to urge your mother to see a therapist. Unfortunately we can't control our BPD relatives and make them do things if they don't want to. Perhaps you're mother will seek out therapy later but if she does, it's gotta be her own decision. Do you feel like your mother has ever acknowledged that there could be something wrong with her? Or has it always been what you describe as 'repetitive lectures about your problems'  Many of our members will be quite familiar with these types of lectures

Hi, Shelle.

It sounds like you need to spend a little time taking care of yourself right now. It is ok to ask for a little time to do that--there's nothing wrong with having a little break from talking to someone. How would that feel?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Shelle,

I'm fairly new here myself. Sending positive energy to you. I'm getting the feeling from your post that your mom may also be bringing down your positive energy for getting that job. It is not uncommon for individuals to sometimes experience emotions such as depression and worthlessness when seeking a new job. It took my dad over two years to get a new job after he was let go from a place he worked at for 20+ years. It was hard to see him deteriorate and become depressed. I didn't know what to do for him. I tried to talk to my mom who is uBPD. She was of little help and was focusing more on herself and her losses. She was also difficult on my dad, essentially playing into his "looser" though process since they had to watch there spending and she wasn't getting to buy things she wanted.

I want to let you know something though. You will get a job. It will be a good experience for you. You will enjoy the new place of employment. Each morning when you wake up think, I'm a step closer and today I will find my dream job. To borrow from "The Secret" see yourself in a new place of employment. Sitting at a desk, or doing what you want to do. As others have suggested, maybe limit time away from your mom (if possible) so you can take care and focus on yourself. The negative energy is bringing you down and please don't become depressed like my dad was. For him, he eventually got a really good job and even though it wasn't the pay he necessarily wanted the thing is that he was given something else - great benefits and health coverage. The job was also substantially closer to home and he is able to do have more holidays, vacations, etc.

You got this Shelle!