BPDFamily.com

I need help.

My dd is so dysregulated, Im so afraid for her. She is in therapy, I thought it was DBT, but apparently I am an idiot. This T has my dd convinced that she is living in a toxic environment, has even given her a book about toxic parents.

The problem is that she is making my dd worse, she is on her 3rd day of total dysregulation and raging. She has just sent 53 text messages in an hour and a half, all ranting about how terrible she is being treated, and how she is finally standing up for herself, and now it's her against the world. She said she is prepared to die before she takes anymore abuse form us.

I have no reason to doubt her, she has tried suicide in the past, and if she feels like she is being mistreated and the T agrees with her, she may feel her only way out is death.

I tried SET , I told her I understood that she felt ganged up on , and that it must hurt a great deal to feel like that, I personally want you to be happy and to live peacefully with us.  

she responded with a big F.U.

What am going to do, how am going to get her back to reality and out of the clutches of this T , whom I believe is the toxic one?

I have saveD every single nasty disgusting text messages she has sent me over the last 3 days in hopes of finding a way to use them to get her the proper help. CAN ANYBODY HELP ME, I AM DESPERATE.

Tristesse, can you call her Therapist? Even if you get an assistant or secretary, you can tell them that this is an emergency--that your daughter is threatening suicide and very out of control--and would they talk to you?

I know that I've done just that when faced with similar situations with my son, and his T talked to me over the phone and helped me deal with the dysregulation, etc. He actually ended up in the Psych Ward of our local hospital, and then after that ended up in the DDx Center. Does she have any other Professionals you can contact? Anyone treating her who will listen to you? That was always my first course of action (of course, my son had signed paperwork allowing them to talk to me, beforehand... .).

Tristesse I am so sorry-I.m in UK so things are different here with NHS  etc.

I would go to emergency room, GP (or whatever your equivalent is)-seek emergency medical help.

This therapist sounds dangerous-my DD once had someone similar.

She is winding your daughter up instead of helping her to regulate her emotions.

I am thinking of you and I hope someone who lives in your area is along soon to advise.

Speak to a medically qualified doctor and tell him/her the whole story including the veiled references to suicide

PS-they may not be able to give you information (confidentiality) but they CAN listen to you.

T refused to speak with me, I told the receptionist to please let her know it is an emergency, but that made no difference. I called the D.O. she sees and she said I needed to take her to the ER. hoping I can get her to go.

T

If your dd refuses to go, call the police and they will escort her to the ER.  I have done this 3 times in the past with my BPDs.  I doubt she will not comply with them.

Tristesse, how are things going now?

Have you been able to get help for your daughter?

Here are some links that might give you the information you need:

Emergency - Local Live Support Centers (https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm)

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0)

Depression and Suicidal Ideation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0)

Can you let us know how things went today? I truly hope and pray that your daughter and you and your family are all safe 

Don't try to work with this therapist... .she is allowing your dd to triangulate and is feeding the blame throwing.  Never see her again and find a dbt T who understands BPD.  This has happened to me, and once you are labeled; everything you say will be used against you.  Try to deflect and defer... .call 911 if you need to.

This T is a sucker and your dd has manipulated her. Don't waste your energy.

Only a T who gets BPD will be able to help your dd and get her to start taking responsibility.  Our kids always wage a smear campaign... .It is so  frustrating when it works for them!  Hang in there.

 

So sorry, friend. Praying for you. Keep us posted.

oh tristesse... .I hear the fear in your post. I am so sorry your dd is struggling right now.

I would take her to the ER if you are unable to defuse her anger and calm down. If she doesn't go then I would call the police. You need to reach out for help.

Do you think this T is the one that has triggered her or could there be something else going on? This T is dangerous and very inexperienced with BPD... .find a new one. Try to find one your dd connect with. Hang in there... .please post soon... .I hope things are going better today.

Hello Tristesse

Just getting up here in the UK and wondering how things are going for you.

I so agree with theplotthickens. My DD once saw someone like this who just fed all the triangulation and wound up her anger at the family.

One night I had to call the police and she hit the police woman-she was arrested but they didn't charge her-just got her seen by a doctor and mental health worker.

I felt uncomfortable about it at first but I just started calling the emergency services whenever I thought she was a danger to herself or the attacks on me became too much.

I really feel for you and I hope you are all okay.

How is the therapy being funded? How easy will it be to get her to ditch the therapist?

O.K., HERE GOES.

She will not give up the T because she finally feels like somebody understands, like this person is there for her. So that is useless, the therapy is funded by the state because she has no job and only state insurance.

All is not well, in fact it is absolute hell right now, I have called her T, to no avail, I have called the D.O. and was told to take her to the E.R., she refused. The night was a long long night, there was no sleep. EMS did get called, and as usual, she plays the innocent and refuses treatment. Gives them the, I have no idea why you guys were called, spiel. So they leave.

My g.s. was witness to all of this awfulness, all of the foul language etc. he had to see his mother act like a darn fool, jumping up and down and screaming , flailing her arms, name calling, etc. I ended up calling his dad to come and get him. Thankfully he has a great daddy.

my soon to be DIL was verbally attacked, and I of course defended her, I ushered her out quickly and asked her to stay away with the new baby until it was calm and safe.

my dh was verbally attacked , but he handled himself like a pro. He used all of the techniques and did a great job,  they did not work at all this time, but he stuck with it.

my ds was at work until midnight, he then went to his MIL house where his family was at, so he was spared.

I did leave the house for a while, but I needed to come home, I have a job etc.

She was relentless all night long. she was at my bedroom door every 45 minutes to an hour through the night. I finally just got out of bed at 4:00 A.M.

I am now in my office drinking copious amounts of coffee, and contemplating what to do next. 

The details of her rage were left out intentionally, there are so many it could be a book.

Dear Tristesse

I am so sorry to read your post today. My stomach just hurts for you and I know how difficult your night must have been. Here is what I think of your situation.

First even though her T is encouraging this blame game against you I think think it is good she has found a T that she likes and might be able to help her. What I see as the most troubling aspect to your problem is your dd's dysregulation and her inability to control herself. You might just have to come to that tough realization that she is not safe in your home and she should be living separately.

Do you think she is a risk to herself right now? Have you tried video tape her while she is in this state so you can show EMS?

It sounds like such a terrible night. What are your next steps?

I'm not sure what to suggest ,Tristesse.

I have been in situations like this in the past when things were worse here and I know how exhausting and distressing it is.

I think the police are becoming your only option if this continues.

If she feels the therapist is helping you have no option but go along with it (I would say very little and not criticize the therapist to her).

Does she have any practical mental health support as well as therapy. Here in the UK it would be called a case manager-I'm not sure of your equivalent. This person would be able to help with accommodation and benefits if she can't stay with you-but then there is the question of your grandson.

Do keep in touch with us-we are all concerned about you and your family.

well, she went to jail, my son had her arrested, she will not leave DIL alone, and he is looking out for his new family. DS AND DIL have decided to move out, she went to her parents house, and they will be looking for a permanent home. No longer interested in buying my house.  DH went and bonded dd out of jail because he didn't want her there when gs got out of school, that infuriated ds, so now everybody is mad at everybody else, and dd is sitting back running her mouth and acting like nothing is her fault.

I do not want even go home today. I have been physically ill, am on the verge of a breakdown and there is just too much drama at my house. I hate my life.

Oh Tristesse, I am so sorry... .this is just awful.

It seems so unfair how much power over everyone's happiness this illness has, how divisive it is.

I have one idea that might be too little too late, but is there any way when she is out of control to video the scene, with a cell phone or laptop or something, so that when law enforcement arrives she can't play it off like nothing happened? Maybe there is some way to document her behavior to get her away from the T, or file a grievance or something?

Is there any way for you to get a break? Anywhere you can go for a night or two?

Wish I had magic, thinking of you.

This is a very distressing situation for you.  I am deeply sorry. The stress you are under must seem overwhelming.

Does your DH understand the amount of distress you are in? 

Do you hide your distress and health issues from your DH and the rest of the family in order to minimise collateral damage?

Did your DH discuss bonding your daughter out of jail before he did it? Were you in agreement?

Are you able to have an honest dialogue with your son and husband to get to a place that defuses (if possible) some of the anger and blame?

These points may not be relevant to your family but when these types of situations occur in our household I feel I am walking on eggshells with EVERYONE.  I become very angry and resentful and want to take myself away from them all permanently!

However I also feel an immense sense of responsibility as the peacekeeper in the house - and I have grown to hate that feeling.  Is it that way for you?  What can you do to defuse that?

I do not know why it seems to rest so much on the mothers to be in the thick of resolving things and yet still be the ones to get the brunt of the rages.

Thank you everyone for the well wishes and for the support you all offer. If I didn't have this board, I would be a complete lunatic.

Seasprite, I have often thought of catching her on video, but in the midst of the chaos, I never remember to do it. I wish I had. I would love for her to see it first hand when she is calm and lucid.

Dibdob59, I too am the peace keeper, and yes I hide my distress from others to help alleviate some of theirs. I just want a happy healthy home and family.

My DS and DH will be fine, they will get over it and move on.

My dd though is a real pistol. She has no care about the destruction and damage. I know that it will be better in a day or so, but in the meantime, I don't want to see any of them.

I just cant be around self centered and selfish people at the moment.

Thank you all again, I appreciate it.

Tristesse,

I am so sorry to hear all of this.  You don't deserve to live like this.  Your daughter needs to get a social worker and find a new place to live. BPD is not an excuse to make everyone miserable.  Is detachment a possibility you would consider?

I have been where you are; it is so depressing.  We must look after our own needs, and also think of other people in the family.  I am sending you hugs across the miles, and hopes that you consider separating from your dd - it sounds like this is a very toxic situation for you and the rest of the family.  If your dd has county and state supports; she should qualify for housing assistance.  Does she have a social worker?  Another option is setting boundaries, and if she continues to break them you can bring her to a shelter.  From there, a social worker will step in to find her the housing support she needs.

These  kids are so exhausting and yet so sensitive and broken.  That is what keeps us sacrificing our sanity to try and help them.  Your daughter needs to WANT to change; and she is not motivated.  Perhaps a reality check is needed; and somebody else can take over for a while.

It can and will get better -- just hang on to a little bit of hope.  :)

Tristesse-I am so sorry about all this.

Your husband decided to bring your daughter home-I think I would be honest with him about how stressed you are and your need to take some time out.

Is there anywhere else you could stay-just for a day or two?

If not at least spend some time on your own in your room.

How is it helping your grandson to bring his Mum home when she is so disregulated?

I am sure too that your son and husband will cool down.

You have done all you can to try to keep things level-allow yourself to take some respite.

Dear tristesse

Well I think we could all see things were heading it that direction. I am sorry for the added stress on you. My dd was recently arrested and although it was a pretty horrific day it really turned out to be the best thing. She was then mandated to take course and get the extra help she needed. She does have the added stress to keep inline or go back to jail. Your dd will also have this burden and it might be the only means to try and get her to make a real effort to control her emotions.

I think it is good that ds and dil are moving out. I think that will reduce the stress level in your home a great deal. They are very capable of taking care of themselves where as your dd is struggling a great deal right now.

Let everyones emotions cool down and things will return to baseline. Until then just try and keep things light and let them work on repairing their own relationships with each other... .that is not your job.

I really do hope this is a turning point for your dd. Can you tell us what she was charged with? A bit more detail? hang in there... .I hope you find some peace this weekend.

Tristesse

I am sorry everything has exploded at your home, but this is what pwBPD do.  It is not your fault.  I agree, your ds, dil, and baby will be fine. They will be happier on own, away from all the drama, but I do hope they are able to support your emotional needs, now that they have actually seen what you are dealing with up close.  Bpd behavior really needs to be seen to be believed.

I hope things improve with time.  Even if life is not perfect, the "absence of pain" is a wonderful thing.

Please take care.

WOW! So much can happen in a day or two around here. I am so sorry I missed the crisis, but I do think of you often, Tristesse.  I am so so soo sorry to hear the situation took a turn for the worse.  We also dealt with a very harmful therapist once, but we were fortunate that DD was young enough that it was still MY call who she saw. So we dropped that T like a hot potato and found a much more competent T who was interested in helping our family, rather than pinning us as bad parents.

I agree with all the others that 911 is your best ally right now. Also, I was able to use my smart cell phone to record my DD raging once, and it was helpful to be able to play that for the T. He could hear how calm DH & I were and how raging and crazy our DD was at that moment. Maybe you could try using your cell phone to record her? Keep it in your pocket, so you have it handy when the raging starts. I kept my phone behind my back, and it recorded the rage just fine.

I really feel for you! We parents deal with the worst kind of invalidation when our own children accuse us of being the toxic ones.  I can't think of anything that hurts worse.

You are in my prayers.  

Update on the crisis.

The raging continued another 10 hours or so, then she went to a very very dark sad place where she gas been ever since. She is crying off and on, very sad heart wrenching sounds coming from her room. Periodically she's very quiet, and then the crying starts again. I'm really heartbroken right now, but really stressed out too. Gs is coming home today, and I'm hoping for calm for his sake.

Thanks all for your concern, and advice.

How is she now, tristesse-is she any more willing to seek medical help now that the raging has burned out and she is upset?

She is not willing to seek any extra help.

There have been rages off and on , she is being horribly unkind to everybody. We did successfully record a largecportionvof her raging last night, but what to do with it?

I am praying hard right now.

so things have calmed down considerably since yesterday.

DD is quite sad because she believes she has been wronged in some way, but at least she has stopped raging.

I have tried talking to her about her feelings, I actually sat for almost two hours just listening to her, she cried, a lot, she yelled too. I just listened  hoping it would help her to move on.

I can't agree with her, and she is struggling with that, in her mind, I have chosen somebody over her. I just told her that I loved her very much and nobody would ever take her place in my life or my heart, but I can not condone wrong doing and I can not agree with false statements.

At any rate, things are calmer for now, and I am just trying to catch my breath.

Thank you to everybody that has offered any advice over the past week, I am very appreciative, and so thankful to be able to just vent my feelings here.

tristesse

whose side does she think you are taking? She is feeling slighted? I am glad things have calmed down. Is your gs home now? I hope things continue to improve for you all.

Jellibeans

gs is home now.

She thinks because I defended DIL that I am trying to replace her with the DIL. She thinks it's alright for herself to say or do anything she chooses and the world should just accept it.

I will not allow her to abuse anybody. Because her brother had her arrested, she says I " allowed " this to happen, and I let him get away with it, when she was unable to get under my skin or her borthers, she went after the DIL.

She is very vengeful and bitter, but I am hoping that she burns out soon because I am so tired of it.

I'm glad she has calmed down for the moment. it sounds like you handled her rage and attacks very skillfully, though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way.  It is exhausting!  But you held your ground, you listened, and you did not validate the invalid. It seems to me, you could not have done any better. 

Your DD does sound very dysregulated emotionally and cognitively.  That is soo hard!

Hang in there. My heart goes out to you.

tristesse

Have your DIL and son gone from the home? Although it must be hard to see them go I do think it is best right now. I have an older daughter that is away at college. I do think things were unsettled here at my home this past summer because she was home again. My older daughter has her act together. Always been responsible and level headed. She swim at college on a scholarhip and has an academic one too. Made the dean's list etc... .I think it is hard from my dd17... she compares herself and I think she feels badly about herself to some degree when my older daughter is around. Maybe your dd is the same way with your son and DIL?

Hi Jellibeans

DS and DIL were able to stay with her parents for a few days, but they are back at y house now.

Her mother is very sick, some days she does not even get out of bed, so it was only temporary. They are looking for a place of their own. The plan was to buy my house as I was going to be moving, but it was not supposed to happen for some months yet.

DD and DIL had a conversation last night, bot apologized for the hurtful the things that were said. DD also begged for  them not to keep the baby away from her. DIL agreed that she would be allowed to hold and be around baby under supervision, she expressed concern about the raging and how she did not want her daughter exposed. DD was accepting of this, and even said she understood.

She said that if somebody had just screamed all kinds of threating things at her, she wouldn't be so quick to hand her child over either.

For now we seem to have settled into a calm, and I will take this time to recoup and regroup.

Thank you for caring, it means the world to me knowing that somebody actually cares.

tristesse

I am glad things have settled and I think it is promising that you were all able to sit down and talk. Your dd seems really willing to listen and take ownership of what she did. I am glad your son and DIL also were able to apologize for their part. I hope now that the air is cleared everyone can go on and get along.

They have all done very well tristesse and I hope things will be better now.

I am still in the fall out from a situation at Christmas when my daughter was very difficult with her sister and then thought I had taken her sister's side.

She is speaking to me to some degree now but the two sister's haven't spoken since and neither will apologize.

I was in a similar dilemma to you-I tried to re-assure my DD of my love but I couldn't agree that the behaviour towards her sister was acceptable.

They have done very very well-it is a huge step for someone with BPD to accept that they have had a part in a conflict.

I hope this gives you the opportunity to give your daughter a lot of validation now and that she feels better.

Your dil has also done very well.

I have really felt for you throughout all this as I can recognize so may elements of the situation. I hope that you have a more peaceful time for a while.

Ditto!  I second the motion.  If anyone deserves a break, you do!  I'm so glad your DD actually recognized her contribution to the problem.  That seems like a HUGE step forward.  I hope the trend continues.

I am so sorry you are going through this. If your daughter wont go on her own to the emergency room you will have to call the police. Have Strength!

Celebrating the calm with you.  |iiii