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Wow. My uBPDw had a pretty good flare up last night with elevated anger, throwing out FOG and some small SI. I tried communicating, validating and the S and E of SET to no avail. Once during the talk, she said that it would have meant the world to her if rather than validate I had told her she mattered to me. Even though she doesn't know SET, I think she is getting so used to it that she knows the order better than me!   At any rate, after 15-20 minutes of wanting to jump in and JADE away, I disengaged, letting her know I could see her hurt but our conversation wasn't helping either of us feel better and, in fact, it was harming me. I left and spent the night on the couch.

This morning, I got a pretty considerate, nice note from her that was a lot of explanation for her feeling and only a little blame. Typically, I could expect a flame mail and she would still be stewing in it, so this is a big improvement.  :)

It felt really good last night knowing I could let it go. I kept wanting to run it in my head a couple times (grumble, grumble), but just kept recalling that it's okay to take care of my needs. It was pretty soothing.

  |iiii  

Thanks for sharing.

How does it feel now to think back on this event?    How do you see the future?

formflier,

No simple answers at this point. Communications between my wife and I are improving, and most importantly, it is providing some breathing space for our children. I think, after doing some initial couple of months of grief work, I have let up on looking within myself because I still have a large reservoir of sadness over the threadbare fabric of my marriage.

I am still not doing much in the way of self care and am locked in an all too familiar pattern of ambivalence and emotional paralysis. I read 2010's post on schema theory and the lonely and abandoned child dynamic, and I identify very strongly with the lonely child. And I am in a relationship that reinforces every day the loneliness that I have always felt from my earliest, most tender days as a child growing up in a big, messy family.

I guess what I'm saying is that things are getting better on the day to day because we are communicating more and fighting less and inflicting less harm on our kids. That is huge. And it is essential for me remaining in this relationship. But there is a vast area of hurt within me that really has nothing and everything to do with my wife and how I interact with her (and my whole world really) that still remains an unresolved riddle. I feel as though we were heading for each other our whole lives - used to think that was romantic; not so much now.

I know tools that help me, but I have to be ready to examine what is painful to look at. So, is the pain that I know how to deal with safer and easier than the unexamined pain that directs my choices, shapes my life and aids the facade of my self identification? I was once told, of the two paths, always choose the harder. I guess that's why I am still married, still in this relationship, and still trying to understand my role in it. I keep hoping that by understanding, I will be free, but then again, understanding is the lonely child's strategy in life. 

What is your plan to work on this... .note... .didn't say "fix"... .what is the "next step"... .for this part of your life to get better?

formflier's questions are very good, and your answers could give you some insights. One thing I would encourage you to do is read "Intimate Partners" by Maggie Scarf. I read it years ago, and it was fascinating to find out the correlations between my and my Husband's family histories that led us to each other; it helped me see why my soul went where it did in choosing him as a mate, and alleviated any anger I had at him for certain behaviors and personality traits. It just made my life with him "make sense".

And, I read it at a time where he had just winded down a 2.5 year affair (it started right after our 11th Anniversary, and ended 2.5 years later), and I didn't see how I could stay with him afterwards... .We are now married 40 years this past Spring, and that book and "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie are what helped us work all of that trauma out... .

Maybe these books could help?

Thanks formflyer and RaptReader.

I suppose, since I have now received the CoDependent No more recommendation several times, I should just read it. I struggle mightily with the label and with the self examination, but I need to heal myself to help my kids and have a shot at staying with my wife. I will look at both books. I am committed to becoming healthy in all walks of my life.

Wow, RaptReader. I don't know how you did it. Truly inspiring. I think I am like many people on this board saying that infidelity is one of those boundaries that would be hard to have crossed and heal from. Funny enough, when we first met, I didn't used to feel that way - I was not hung up thinking about ending things if she ever cheated. I think as I have invested more time, energy and yes, hurt/resentment over the abuse I have already received, the issue of fidelity has become more like a Rubicon. Not sure I could accept it.

Thanks for the help. And formflier, the steps I am taking our attending a NAMI Family to Family class that starts in 2 weeks, deciding if there is a way to see our MC on my own every couple of weeks as she used to be my T, going to a baseball game, and really, really trying to will myself to get out and take a good backpack trip before the rainy season sets in.

Give some thought to some separation here... .not a hard a fast rule... .but... .it's a good idea to have someone in your corner... .that is focusing on getting you healthy.

Not focusing on treating your r/s... .or on treating your wife... .

Thoughts?

Not sure what you mean. Are you recommending seeing a T who has no participation or connection to my wife? Our MC was originally my T. I have a good connection with her, and she is in my corner. I use my sessions with her to talk about me and the kids, not the RS. I do ask her help on how to help with wife's T but due to conflict of interest, I limit that. Can you provide a more concrete idea? I will go look up the books over the weekend. Thanks

In a perfect world:  You would have your own T, you wife would have her own T, and there would be a T for your marriage.  Those professionals should talk... .but they each have a clear focus.

If you have a T and that T is also "in charge" of helping your marriage... .there can be a conflict of interest there. 

Again... not a hard and fast rule... .but if you are going to have potential conflicts of interest... .everyone needs to be aware.

If you were bringing kids in the situation... .there could be a fourth T that does family counseling.

Now... I'll get real for a minute and explain my personal situation.

We have a m/c that works on my wife and I... .but from the point of view of us as a couple... that's it.

My family has a family T.  He does see some kids and my wife and I individually... .and sometimes my wife and I together... .but his focus is making the family unit work.  Sometimes we focus on my "personal growth"... because that is needed to help the family.  But he is clear that his role is to make the family work.

I have an individual T at the VA that is totally just for me.  Never seen my wife or any of my kids.

Hope that helps...

Takingandsending, can you point me at the "schema theory" post you mentioned previously. That sounds relevant to me.

Formflier did a good job describing the ideal therapy situation. The problem with therapists is they're human. As humans, they can only do one or two things at time really well. So, they probably can't do a great job being both MC and individual T at the same time.

Hi Inquisitive. Thanks for your response. As it stands, working full time, seeing MC, going to NAMI twice a week and trying to see my own T, on top of my wife seeing her life coach and her T, along with our kid's dance, violin/viola, and school stuff ... .we are the typical 21st century family, I fear.

Here's the link. It was a pretty amazing description. I still don't know much about schema work, but boy do those descriptions fit. Sorry. I have yet to learn how to hyperlink.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

what choices can you make to make this situation easier?