BPDFamily.com

I guess I just feel like venting and I know you all understand so I'm doing it here. .  

I have never felt this way before. Yes,  I felt unhappy and chose to leave a 17 year marriage because of ex hubby's narcissism and my own immaturity in dealing with it…. Fast forward 4 years and I'm 10 months into a second marriage with a uBPDh. I feel completely depressed right now.  First marriage soo did not destroy my entire being like this one is… I can hardly function. I feel like I don't know what to think or feel anymore….  I have strong faith in the LORD but am having a seriously hard time feeling the hope and peace that God has promised us… .

uBPDh has done tons of nice things for my birthday this month… but it can't touch the horrible darkness I feel… . His belittling remarks and looks hold so much more strength over me than anything else by far! Just this morning I am "pathetic"and "irritating" because of a simple comment I made about a news topic on the Today Show.

I want to be free but I don't know how... .I need to convince my blinded foggy self. I'm dying inside. Thanks for listening.

I know the feeling of thinking you are stuck in a horrible situation and sometimes we feel there is no way out. It's like a permanent darkness has settled in our soul. I wish I could give you a big hug.

There comes a point where you realise that any flicker of hope is extinguished and you know then that you must change your life but this stage can be hard to come to because most of us always hope for the best and believe people can change. If you are at that point you must start thinking about removing yourself from the situation. You are not on this earth to be abused. No one owns you or can expect you to put up with this. You are on this earth to live and to love and laugh and help others.

Don't think about him and start thinking about you. Understand that there are heaps of mentally healthy guys that would kill for your love and affection.

You also might want to read up on co-dependence as I think most of that have a bit of that in us. Learning about it may mean that you will not be subconsciously attracted to needy types.

Hugs to you.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. This stuff is really hard to deal with. You deserve much better.

I actually feel like it is me who is BROKEN.  I believe if/when I finally get enough ? to leave, I will have to describe it in this way... ."I AM JUST NOT HEALTHY HERE AND CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE".  uBPDh is truly "trying" at times, has tried to stifle his "rages", chooses to walk away "sometimes" when angry, so inside I see these as "good" things, and feel "bad" that I feel as horribly inside as I do.  Inside I feel the horrible-ness of the BPD behavior (shaking his head at me like I am stupid, mean comments, angry undertones, etc... .), and it has slowly worn me down to feeling like I'm insane... .but on the outside, I'm still "playing the game" of "trying to make sure he is ok", etc... .almost like I'm watching myself as an actress in a twisted theatre production... .does this make sense?  Whatever it is, I'd be completely ignorant to not acknowledge that it has been extremely destructive to me as a person, at the deepest level of my being.  That can't be denied.  This should say something, right?

Thank you, BFS... .I appreciate it very much.   

Also... .I "feel bad" in a way because uBPDh claims I "do not love him the way he loves me".  To a certain extent I know that there is definitely a guardedness inside myself (although I still feel stuck in the r/s) because I know I am not going to put up with BPD devaluing for the rest of my life.  I have hardly survived 10 months of this marriage, forget forever!  His statements hold some truth to them... .This situation is so darned confusing and exhausting.  I'm tired of dealing with the entire thing.  I seriously don't even care about "stuff" in any way anymore... .I have a Harley he bought me that I absolutely love, and a really nice camera, etc... .  But if I gathered enough gumption to actually leave, I wouldn't think twice about leaving EVERYTHING behind.  On the other hand, I am still here, stuck inside loving him and feeling sorry to be thinking of leaving because of the very real efforts he HAS seemed to put in, when not splitting.

Do I even really love him?  Or am I simply putting effort into maintaining "love" with the image of who I thought he was, and who I thought we were... .Is this even "love", even on my part? ... .or something else? ... .ugh!

Why do I "believe" the words/image, and not the actual ACTIONS when he splits black?

I remember thinking similar thoughts when I was going through the final few months with my BPDxh.  I thought of how I feel about him if he got ill and I had to look after him or if he lost his job and could not provide an income.  I wondered if I would still love him then.  I really couldn't be sure.  There was a doubt in my mind.  I know I would not have left him but would I have been sacrificing something of myself to stay with him?

It is a difficult situation to be in and a difficult decision to make, but you must do what is best for you.  Chances are, if he is BPD he will at some point run away or abandon you anyway.  It might be better if you are the one making the choice to change your life when you want to, rather than having that change thrust upon you when you least expect it.

Thereishope: I so relate. I spent 27+ years married, raised 2 children, and simply had to go before she killed me, emotionally or physically, or both. I'm three months out locked in a terrible divorce, but I had to go for my own sanity since all else was gone. Hang in there. God loves you and we all do as well. we understand!

I appreciate this perspective and I know it to be true... .When I'm "feeling strong", like right before the last time I recycled, I  left, crying at first, but then feeling strong, spent a week at my parents', and didn't really miss him at all... .then... .I came back... .(DUH!)... .KNOWING I was pouring my soul back into chains that would be even more difficult to get out of again... .(absolutely the truth... .)  I'm trying to muster that strength up again... .and my foggy mind actually doesn't believe he would/will leave... .but I trust everyone's experience here to understand I'm probably wrong about that too... .and I would definitely much rather make the choice then have him do it and send my head and heart spinning in space, pining away, wondering "what I did wrong" for him to do it... .UGH!  Then again, it's hard to choose to leave, so I have actually prayed for him to do it... .  lol... .this stuff is so insane it's almost funny... .   

Thank you, 777.  I appreciate this message board so much... .When I was flailing, with no idea what I was dealing with, I prayed for clarity, and God absolutely led me here.  BINGO!  Instant clarification/affirmation/encouragement!

I definitely can relate with the thought of leaving simply for sanity's sake.  I'm about at that point.  (Looking for that magical moment when I can actually do it again... .this time FOR GOOD WITH ABSOLUTE NC... .)   

Last night he split because I walked out of the room because there was something on the TV I didn't care to see.  That turned into "why are you throwing ME an attitude"? (I wasn't.)... .Spent the evening discussing we each have an ability to choose what we want to see and not want to see, etc... .And then he was convinced I must have gone through "something" in my past that I was keeping from him... .that I needed to be HEALED of, so I could act MATURE, instead of IMMATURE, and so I could simply sit through all TV shows without being bothered by anything indecent... .I am soo tired of the unwarranted anger, and his obsession with trying to "fix" me (= turn me into himself/make all my behaviors perfectly acceptable to his preferences)... . 

I'm so sorry you are feeling so tired thereishope . Sometimes we need to be empty to be full again  

Absolutely, Mutt!  Thank you for your encouraging words.  You might think I'm crazy, but it is actually a refreshing, invigorating and exciting thought to me to be EMPTIED OF EVERYTHING... .to walk out of here with the clothes on my back, and have a COMPLETELYYYYYYYYY new start. 

You're welcome thereishope, I've been there and you're not crazy.

The first step is the hardest. You will be OK.

ThereIsHope, you do deserve better.  And I found that once I made the decision to leave, as hard as it was, I felt peace.  Now this week I am questioning that decision again and feel totally in turmoil again.  So I think I need to go back to my gut instinct and go through with it.  With school starting I didn't want to do it this week anyway, but in a couple weeks, I am out.  I just need to keep my gumption up until then.  I know it will be a rough road, but from what I have read on here, it will be worth it in the long run.

I've been praying for you and will continue to... .praying for peace.  It sounds like you have a good support system in your parents, lean on them and find a good Therapist to help you gain confidence.  Have Faith in yourself.  And have Hope for a brighter tomorrow!

It sounds like a few of us are in the same boat, at the same time... .Whatever help and strength I can offer you, please lean in and take it... .Feel free to message me anytime.  I want to encourage you toward life and peace yourself... .  Do what you KNOW is RIGHT... .I must do the same... .Please keep in touch.  We're here for you... .

Grace and peace to you!