BPDFamily.com

Here is my previous thread for reference: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=231485.30

     So, last Thursday, I started getting emails from my wife again about bills as had been going on for weeks.  That is all she would contact me about.  After meeting with a Christian counselor for two full days last week, I worked through a lot of my own issues, and wow, did it give me freedom!  I decided I wasn't going to put up with crap anymore in my life.  I wasn't going to be a doormat any longer.  I set a HARD boundary with my wife.  He told me to not be caught off guard with anything she says and to ALWAYS stay calm. 

     I emailed her and told her that I would not discuss bills or money any longer unless she was willing to sit down and discuss how we were going to repair our marriage.  She tried three times to get me to move my boundary, and each time, I simply stated, "As per my previous email, I will not discuss these things with you any longer until you sit down with me and discuss how we are going to repair our marriage together."  After two days, she finally emailed and said, "OK, I'll sit down with you, when would you like to meet?"  My first thought was, "She is only doing this to get money out of me."  But I set it for Monday.  She tried to revert the conversation to money three times (even saying that that is a major problem in our marriage to get me to bend), and I simply stated that I would not discuss that things until we discussed fixing our marriage.  She was trying to hit every major button that I HAD before counseling and it didn't work, well, almost, but IT DIDN'T!  I never raised my voice, got angry, or justified myself, but instead kept reverting the conversation back to my boundary.  When she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with me, she got up and left the restaurant and went home. 

     As God has changed me and shown me the areas I need to change to be married to my wife or any woman, I texted her and told her that I appreciated her meeting me and that we now know where each other stand.  She actually texted me back!  Hadn't done that in weeks!   At first, I was on the phone and didn't know it came across my phone, so she called me.  She asked if I get her text, I said hold on, read it and it said, "It didn't go as I'd hoped it would.  I just want to be able to talk to you again... ."  My first thought was, "Yeah, I didn't give in like always!"  But kept my mouth shut.  I heard God tell me to be quiet and let her talk.  I asked her what she wanted.  She said she wants to find a couples therapist together, get counseling and repair our marriage.  I said that is what I wanted and asked her where she was in life (as it had been almost 10 weeks that we had talked about anything other than surface stuff).  I was quiet and for about 45 minutes she just cried and sobbed about different things and I just listened.  When she was done, she told me the financial bind she was in and told her that I understood as we arepaying for two households and it is a strain on both of us (she is starting to reap from all the stuff she did to create two households).  We hung up a few minutes later and she texted me and thanked me for listening and that it felt like "old times".  I agreed.  Since Monday we have been texting a lot and she met me night before last and we sat in the Sonic parking lot and talked.  We told each other all the things we have missed and what we didn't as far as how unhealthy the relationship was when we separated.  I have made sure to validate her feelings, and just listen to her.  That is something I wasn't very good at and told her that I recognized that.  She said thank you and said that something about me has changed.  It has been a great 7 days and looking for better things and staying cautious.  But this is a start and an end to the no communication!  Thank God... .

Consistency works wonders, aside from any effect it has on your wife it makes you feel that much better and less chaotic

|iiii

 

Solid work!  Congratulations!

|iiii

What is the next step?