BPDFamily.com

So my BPDw tells me last night that she has a trigger that she was supposed to discuss with me a few weeks ago.  Background: We have 3 children DD15 & DS13 are my wife's from a previous relationship.  I have been in their lives since the ages of 3 & 1.  I adopted them shortly after my wife and I got married in '07.  We also have a DS6 together.  DS13 has played football since the age of 6.  I played football growing up and have always loved watching him excel at a sport I played.  I had always asked his coaches if I could help out in any way, but was only able to do so one year.  It just so happens, the year I helped out, he suffered a concussion half way through the season.  So this year, DS13 & DS6 are both playing and I had the opportunity to coach the defense for DS6.  I jumped at the chance because this is something I had always wanted to do.  My wife tells me that this is a trigger for her.  "How do you choose who to watch when their games are at the same time?"  I told her that I would run back and forth, but there are only a few instances when the games are at the same time.  She then goes on to tell me that she played baseball at the same complex as her brothers, but her father never watched her because he was too busy watching her brothers. 

This escalated into a fairly heated argument.  i just don't understand why she can't be happy that i finally have this opportunity and be happy that I want to take part in our children's activities.  She goes on to tell me that it is favoritism.

I talked to DS13 and explained to him that I had always wanted to coach him and explained that I asked every year, but was rarely taken up on my offer.  He seemed to understand that.  I also asked if he felt like I was favoring DS6 and he said no.  He told me that he understands.  The only reason I asked was because my wife started this conversation in front of all 3 kids.

So I ask... .is this trigger really with me, or does it seem more like it is triggering the fact that her father was not there to support her when she was younger?

Sounds frustrating!  The reality here is that triggers are hers, her emotional baggage that she must own and work through.  She can't expect (even though she does) everyone else in the world to avoid triggering her, because that is impossible (it's called walking on eggshells). 

I think the best course in a case like this is to try and understand where she is coming from and try to think if you are really doing something hurtful, or if there is a reasonable way you can work around it.  Then you validate that she has certain triggers, and gently explain that you disagree that you are playing favorites, and that you see nothing wrong with what you are doing.  Of course she will be upset, that's where boundaries come in. 

I certainly relate to what you are going through.  Life itself is a trigger for my fiancé.  And most of the time she expects people to avoid her 3.4 x10^6 triggers and blames others for making her upset.  But I am slowly coming to a place where I realize avoiding her triggers is impossible, so instead I just deal with them as they come.