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so we have had a recurring conflict over having a second child and buying a house.

I do not want to make a huge financial commitment with my dBPDw because I am unsure of the future of our relationship.

I do not wish to have a second child becouse I could not ethically put another child into our house it the current state. I already fear my son is damaged by the experience.

for years I was not in a financial position to buy a house. however, we are now and she is really putting the pressure on.

the kid question I have tryed to side step for years. with mixed results.

now, I am trying to have better comunication with my BPD. in the past few months I have been using something like, "with our relationship in its current unstable state I do not feel comfortable having a child right now. but I would like to when things get better."

and the same thing for the house question.

I try to validate her wants in the conversation as we go.

while this is my truth. and it has a logic to it. it in never well received, e.g. I am trying to control her. it is all about what I want. she does not want to be with me. she is not worth it. etc.

maybe this is making her feel abandoned?

I really want a good boundary here that I can stick to.

any suggestions for how to improve my communication strategy in this area? thanks.

*welcome*

I commend you for thinking the issue through so well.  Keep it up!


Can you explain your thoughts on this more?


Why is it important to stick to a boundary?

Again... |iiii  on your analysis... .keep it up.

Hi dog_star,

Great idea to get some input on this important crossroads in your life! Couple of questions - answer whatever you're comfortable sharing.

Are you guys married?

Is your son from a previous relationship? If so, whose?

How old is he?

These are two very important value statements. Particularly "I am unsure of the future of our relationship". The rest of the statements are really a flow on from this.

So I would focus on being open with your wife about the fact that big issue is that you have to work on being a more bonded team first with a greater degree of stability. This may go down like a lead balloon, but it brings the focus back on you both working together in harmony and have each others backs, rather than getting lost in defending the consequences of this basic core issue.

You must take care not to be diverted from them by slipping into JADE mode in order to avoid conflict and seeming harsh.

I have held off being married as we are still just defacto, for essentially the same reason as your first value (there is in reality no difference), its just a line in the sand.

I would not knowingly bring a child ( i have two from a previous) into my BPD relationship full stop, but thats my view, but I would not advocate anyone else should have that view, as that is not a golden rule and every pwBPD RS is different

To me... .that is the key in bold. 

You may not get to that right away... .you may have to validate... .work on some sideshow issues and have small victories... .all that is fine... it's progress.

But... if the bold is your core issue... .NEVER... .loose sight of that.

Thoughts?

I think that when I say that I do not wish to make such a big commitment she feels rejected/abandoned. She reacts with rage because this perceived rejection hurts. And brings up all of the rejection and abandonment from her youth. She was beat and emotionally abused by her parents.



Because if I am getting abused emotionally (sometimes physically) and controlled by my wife she need to know that things are changing and that I will not stand for it any more. ? idk does that sound about right? I have not thought about why in the past... .just grasping at tools sometimes.


He is our son. He is now eight years old. And I have been married to my wife for about the same amount of time.


Ok, I think that is more or less what I have been trying to do. Maybe I should try the team language instead of unstable rs. Maybe focusing on a more positive message rather then a negative one.

I never lay the bad rs at her feet in during the commutation but rather I try to say we both have a role, which of course is true. She always interprets this as me saying it is all her problem and snap she is gone in a rage and there is no talking to her. Maybe on some deep level she does think it is all her. Or has a fear that it is.

Thanks again for the thoughts everyone.