BPDFamily.com

I haven't been on here in a while, and there have been some changes with uBPDh. He did go see a psychiatrist, and was told he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which I think is a total crock, but whatever. I wanted to go with him to ONE of his sessions with his psychiatrist, just because I live with uBPDH, and know he likely did NOT tell all his symptoms. I think what he mostly talked about is his rage/anger, which is why he got diagnosed as ODD. uBPDh eventually let slip that he was also told he had traits or characteristics of a personality disorder(he says he told me this right after his appt., maybe I didn't hear him, but I was hanging on his every word, and this was a very important subject to me... .I personally think he didn't tell me, then slipped and told me later). BINGO! I'm still not sure why his psychiatrist didn't want me to come for just one session. I'm not so sure my uBPD isn't lying about that. I'd bet a lot of people get diagnosed because a family member or spouse tells them of the true behavior.

I'm sure at some point he'll get diagnosed as BPD, or APD. He is strongly NPD too. What is so funny, and wonderful, is that he has been on medication for about 4 weeks, going on 5, and he is really getting better. Now, he is not perfect, but his rages have gotten so much better. I still get the feeling all the ugliness is just under the surface, but I think that's a normal feeling after all I've been through with him.

For the first time in a long time, I think there is a chance our marriage might work. We had a separation, and I did so much better than I thought. I was fine with him gone. I was sad, and I was sort of scared, but I was away from the craziness, and away from his anger and him tearing me down and blaming me. It also put an end to all the baggage that comes with him. He has four adult kids, and three of them, all women, hate me, and treat uBPDh like crap. I put up with way too much from that quarter too, and it was so nice thinking I might never have to see them again.

In giving him the "break" he was always wanting, I found myself again. I re established my boundaries he'd knocked down. He can no longer use divorce or leaving me as a threat. I'm not so scared of that anymore, I found out it was a relief. When he was gone, it was actually HIM who got scared, and him who looked at what he needed to do to fix us. I'd done all I could do, taken too much blame, and given up my mental health. I'd given my all, and was used up. I knew if I took him back, it would be with new terms. He agreed to them. He went and got help, and he's trying to be more loyal, and have some boundaries with his kids.

His anger has gotten so much better, and he doesn't seem to dysregulate nearly as often. I'm hoping it really is the medication, and not just a fluke. I tend to think it is the meds because the longer he's been on them, the better it's gotten. When he first came home, I about threw him out again, and was regretting letting him back, it was that bad... .but now, four weeks later, he's so much better. I'd say his behavior was still erratic when he first came home, when he should have been on his best behavior, and I think he was trying(but failing... .still huge anger/dysregulating), and it just seems like he got better as this medication built up?

Has anyone else seen such a big difference in control, and behavior in their pwBPD, due to medication? I'm hoping that this is a long term fix. It's not perfect, but it's livable. He for sure never got this result from "therapy"(he needs a new therapist too)... .

Hello Ceruleanblue welcome back 

Yes is the answer to your question about medication, certainly where my dBPDh is concerned. We have had a hellish year and a half with the very worst extremes of this disorder manifesting themselves through repeated dysregulations. Prior to our moving in Dec 2012 there had still been dysregulations but apart from one time they were manageable and my husband would settle quickly after each one. His usual cycle of dysregulation was every 4 - 5 months. He has been prescribed a whole range of medications which he has always taken without much issue.

Over the last 18 months he has not taken his medication regularly, and until his admission to hospital 7 weeks ago he had stopped taking his antipsychotic medication completely for approx four months. He has now been taking all his medication regularly and I pleased to say he has also stopped using OTC medications as well :) The change in his emotional well being and overall behaviour is remarkable. Gone are the really scary dysregulations, brittle, irritable presentation 24/7.

Life isn't perfect, but it has certainly become liveable again. I realise that without his medication he is not liveable with. Had he not have been admitted to hospital 7 weeks ago none of this would have happened. I had already made the decision to leave if once he was discharged he was exactly the same. He also knows that if he chooses to mess around with his medication again or decide to use OTC again then we cannot live together anymore. This is not a conversation I could have had with him before. We have a s6 who needs to be protected from anymore upheaval. It feels like my husband was given sometime just to reset his thinking in a safe and secure environment, with his medication back to before he has returned to the husband I recognise before we moved.

I really happy that there have been some positive changes for you and your husband. It is worth saying that your husbands P may realise that your h has BPD but might not think he is stable enough to hear it yet. That your h has gone to see someone, accepted the medication and you have seen an improvement in his behaviour gives you a starting point.

Yes, I do feel it's a great starting point. If I got everything I wanted(ha, ha) he's also be in DBT therapy. Heck, I wish there were some specific therapy for me to learn to deal with all this. I am in therapy myself, because this has certainly made me have anxiety, and I just have a lot to work through due to all this. I'm just so thankful that he is getting help. I really never thought he'd get there or do it. I think he only did because our marriage was breaking up. I wish it hadn't taken such extreme circumstances, and I wish so much damage hadn't been done, but I guess it's like anything else, you just work at it.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. My boundaries are back to where they originally were when I met him, you know, back when I had healthy boundaries. Right now, he doesn't rock the boat too much, it's just occasionally. In a way I feel he's only being nice, and being more fair in our marriage just because he's afraid now that I truly will leave. I wonder if it will revert to how awful it was? I surely hope not, and I'm sure I wouldn't stick around for it to get that bad again.

It is nice hearing that medication really can make a dent in this. I really thought he was such an extreme case that medication wouldn't help at all. This is a time I'm  truly glad that fear was unfounded.

I think the more extreme the dysregulation probably the more likely meds will help ...   .dysregulation and affect is very biologically driven.

What medication is he taking?

I was told by my wife's psychiatrist the mood stabalisers she is on (normally used for bipolar) are also effective in taking the edge off explosive behaviour fr people with personality disorders so you expereince makes sense.

More importantly it's really great that you have regained your sense of self  |iiii

This post gives me so much hope. Thank you for writing it. Some days I just feel totally hopeless but when something like this appears it seems worth the effort to continue on with my own growth and just wait and see what happens.

Thanks again.

 

The important thing I read here is that there is a big improvement.

Getting an actual diagnosis is a hard process.  Lots of variables...   That's why it takes so long to become a psychiatrist or psychologist.

We can verify beyond a shadow of a doubt that we have a partner that is exhibiting traits of BPD... .that part is pretty easy.

If those traits come from actual BPD... is much harder to determine.

I found that out in my r/s.

The key for me was to focus on the changes in behavior that I had been hoping for... .and forget about the diagnosis that I was hoping for.

It's the behavior that matters.

Cerluanblue, how did you manage about the house?

Did you agree about a "therapeutic break" beforehand?

I sense that would be the best option for us too, but BPDh feels rejected when I mention having a "studio flat"  nearby and prefers to stay with his horrible family.

Like you, I'm feeling relieved that I don't have to see them or talk to them anymore.

I have proposed therapy, he did say he'd phone the therapist, he hasn't yet, and I know this is MY condition in order for me to believe in the relationship again, and I think for him too. I put a lot of hope in that therapist, as he's THE specialist in BPD in my country, and has confirmed "my" diagnosis during my 2-hour session (which was meant to be a group talk but I ended up on my own lol).

But I have a problem about the house. We only moved last December, and if I have to go through the hassle of moving out again -on my own with 2 kids- as I can't afford the rent at the moment, I don't think I'll be able to get over my resentment for this.

At this point, the diagnosis isn't so very important, but it sure would help aim us down a more direct path perhaps. I'd love for uBPDh to get into therapy geared for anger and BPD traits. The therapy he has been in feels very pointless. I'm just so relieved that this medicine seems to be working though. Truly.

He is taking Cymbalta, and his dosage just got upped to 90 mg. He'd been taking 60 mg. and had been on that for about 4 weeks. From my understanding this medication has to build up to reach full effect. It seems to have started working pretty early in, and he's also lost 20 pounds. He looks healthier(and sexier), and he is acting more "normal". He still seems to have zero empathy, and still wants to blame everything onto me, but at least his anger has gotten a lot better. There have been a couple rages, and dysregulations, but not as often, and he seems way more sorry after.

Indyan: My uBPDh was always threatening me with leaving, and asking for a break. I've always been very much against "breaks", and I'd told him that very early on in our relationship. See, he'd spent 24 years with his ex taking "breaks", and I'd warned him that was not what I viewed marriage as. Well, things got so awful, and he was so out of control, I was either going to end up in the stress unit, or give him that break. I couldn't take it anymore. I basically told him, I'd given all I could, that he needed to get help, I needed to stabilize myself, and we'd see where things stood in a bit. He went to stay at his brothers. I did much better than I expected, and uBPDh either got scared or had a wake up call. He went to a psychiatrist, and got a diagnosis, and got on medication. He was only gone a week(I wanted him gone longer), and there were conditions for my taking him back. I took way too much before, let him run over my boundaries, and I'd decided while he was gone that I was done being his victim.

It's been better, and I'm hoping it keeps getting better. Time will tell. I've gotten in with a good therapist, actually TWO! I have to decide who I want to continue to go to. One of the therapists actually told me at our first meeting that I presented as very histrionic. I know I'm not histrionic, but I really was hyper and all over the place our first meeting. I'd just taken uBPDh back, I'd been through the ringer for 3 years, and I just let it all come out. It's hard to relive all the hurt, so I just purged it, because I didn't want to spend endless sessions just giving him backstory. What's sad is that other than my OCD, and anxiety(living with uBPDh would give anyone anxiety), I'm pretty calm and laid back normally. Those of us dealing with living with someone with BPD, begin to present in ways outside of our "norm". It's  from the endless stress I'm sure.

Thanks for sharing this, it's been helpful  :)

Hello everyone! I just wanted to let you know things have gone pretty good, relatively speaking, and I will give you a full update soon!