BPDFamily.com

My Ex called me yesterday for a legitimate reason after a few texts back and forth. She is rather high functioning, and is aware of some of her issues, vis-a-vis the children, her easily triggered anger. She said she wanted to share a "cute" incident with S4. She was getting them into the car and getting frustrated:

"You know how I get."

"Yes."

She related that S4 told her, "Mommy, you need to pray for forgiveness."

"What are you talking about?" She said, getting more angry that he would talk to her like that.

"You need to pray for being angry because you hurt me. I'm going to pray for you, Mommy."

She said that his later words calmed her down and she saw that she was overreacting. She then went on about how cute it was and she was telling her brother and gf. I was   while listening to this. She said, "It was kind of like when D2 put me on a time out recently, did I tell you that story?"

"Yes, you did, when we all went to the movies a month ago," one of the rare times we've all hung out as a family. Yes, would be cute... .if I didn't know better.

Though at least she's aware of it, it bothers me that she's so flippant about these incidents. It is the same flippancy she had at the end of our r/s: "we had a good six year run." "I wish I had known these things about marriage. Oh well, live and learn." "I know I made a 'mistake' bringing [my replacement] into the kids' lives so much so soon," after the kids were having major problems all of a sudden, but then she went back to it right away, because the needs of her bf and her take precedence over what's healthy. I had to guess what was going on, and she only admitted it when "caught" even though I knew about it and didn't have a problem until it started affecting the kids.

I had a long talk with her a little over two months ago when she lost control and spanked S4 when he accidentally peed his pants (the spanking in violation of the custody stipulation, whose language is clear). We talked about parentification, and that how is can hurt children to make them responsible for a parents' feelings. She seemed to understand and agree, and related it to how she was with her parents. So here we are, raising little co-dependents, one incident at a time. I thought about writing her an email, something how I would do here if a member came here asking for validation or advice, but I think I'll let this one slide and just focus on the kids. I think I could write it in a way in which she would be receptive, but raising awareness--- and shame does drive this person, as it seems to be what prompts her to reach out--- will not change her. The thing is, like many times in our relationship, she may get angry at me later for not pointing out the obvious now, because I was in the emotional parent role, after all.

No wonder S4 doesn't really talk about things that on when he's with their mom. I ask him, and he deflects, other than to occasionally throw out, "Mommy got me this shirt and shoes." If incidents like this prompt her to share or reach out, then I wonder how much WoE the kids do over there. Things will only get worse as they detach from us as they age. In retrospect, that was my childhood, but my mom was a rather low functioning BPD; whereas, my Ex has recurrent and constant underlying issues which may not be at a clinical level--- except for the outright craziness which happened most of last year, or her suicide ideation 4 years ago. Her diagnosed depression and easily triggered anger are always there though. I guess I am proud of them for asserting their boundaries so young, and it that it comes from within them.