Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: JRav59 on September 26, 2014, 06:27:25 PM

Title: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: JRav59 on September 26, 2014, 06:27:25 PM
Right after I broke up with my BPD ex I wrote in my journal. It was surprising how clairvoyant my thoughts were. I stumbled across this last night. It's been a rough month as I tried to not get upset about the new replacement (who literally took no time at all to present herself). I thought I would share it with you:

Dear ----,

Everyday I find myself talking to you. Unfortunately I've come to a few realizations. In order to be happy and true to myself, you cannot be in my life. I look back at everything and think, "How could I not see?"

You have so many issues. Issues that I cannot help you with. Cannot make you see. No one will ever be what you want in a partner because it would require them to lose themselves. They will always need to agree with you. Even if we start off being strong and independent, it won't last. Eventually we cave to your emotional abuse and manipulation. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Then one day, we wake up and realize this is not the love we want or deserve because it no longer involves us at all. It's all about you. You won't listen or understand. In the end you just become bitter and mean. You aren't the exciting conquests you thought we were.  We are a shell, a hollow person of who we once were because you made us that way.

In the end, you only have yourself to blame. Why couldn't you listen? Why couldn't you compromise like we were all willing to do? Why couldn't you just LISTEN? No one communicates with you in the end because it is just useless. We don't care anymore. I don't care anymore. The minute I took you out of the equation, I lost 70% of my stress that was wasted on such a broken individual.

I don't hate you, I feel sorry for you.  I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with you on a personal level because you will always hurt them and let them down.

I realize now that you are not the love of my life. You are a vulture who appeared to me at my weakest moment in life. One day I will forgive you. Not until I reconnect with myself and find my inner value and happiness again. Something I wil never let you (or anyone else) take again.

I would like to invite others to add their goodbye letters on this thread. Rereading this was so therapeutic. It was purely from my gut. Putting the pin aside. There is a wonderful person in all of us. we're just hurting now. We just need to listen to that voice. It'l guide the way. :) :)  

Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: BlackandBlue on September 26, 2014, 07:37:46 PM
You are a very good writer. Maybe I will write a goodbye letter... .maybe it will help mr move on. I kinda struggling today.

Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: tim_tom on September 26, 2014, 09:08:54 PM
Awesome! I could've written the same letter. It's so true. I was a mess, a shell of a man  by the end. And what did my BPD'er do? She called me a complete mess and blamed me for the demise of the relationship. She picked out the turkey,defeathered it, boiled it, stuffed it, roasted it, and then decided she wasn't hungry so she tossed it


Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: JRav59 on September 26, 2014, 09:20:02 PM
She begged and pleaded. Then she would be really mean. She was getting angry about something dumb (again) and I just stopped her in mid sentence and said, "Whoa, I've had enough. This relationship makes me feel bad. I am not happy. I think it would be best to go our separate ways." I actually had the privilege to call it off with her.  I was exhausted and emotionally crippled. I felt like I was taking me back. That was the most wonderful feeling. I definitely got lucky!

Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: rollercoaster24 on September 26, 2014, 10:41:30 PM
Hi JRav59

Thanks for giving us the opportunity, good idea.

Here's my updated Goodbye Letter to my EXBP.

Dear _

You came into my life as a new friend, and as I found out soon after, you were lying. Lying about wanting to be only friends, when you clearly wanted more, and later admitting this.

I forgave you and eventually moved into a committed relationship with you. As soon as you had me, you began your punishment and I didn't know what had hit me.

Yet I kept loving you and wishing you could see what was possible for both of us together, moving mountains so to speak.

It broke my heart what you did to me over and over again, what you did to both of us. Sure, I had other loves in my life, just like you did, (of which you never ceased to remind me), but none like I loved you.

I thought you were my last love, and the most special, just like I told you, however I think you came to me knowing you wouldn't be around that long, making it clear that you really didn't care.

I remember your words, 'Your not THAT special', like I ever thought/said I was.

What you meant however, was that I wasn't THAT special to you, nobody ever will be, will they?

You will just move on to the next flower, and make her think she is the ONE, too, just like you did to me.

You think now that your older, that it will be that easy?



It is my sincerest wish/prayer, that you never get to treat another woman like you treated me for the rest of your miserable life.

I pray that they see right through you, before you even cross their threshold, like I wish I had.




Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: Fluff on September 27, 2014, 05:08:01 AM
Here's my last letter, sent in the middle of June. Not very good. But then, no letter would be good enough. In hindsight it was kind of insightful.

Hi. Sorry that I made things worse *****. My behaviour was the best I could do. Like yours. I wasn't mature enough for all of this. We are both wounded children in adult bodies.

I lost myself in you, like you lost yourself in me. When you then started flipping between showering me with love to the next minute distancing yourself. Like one minute I was idealized and "perfect" and the next minute I was worth nothing. I lost myself totally. I mean totally. The art of seduction taken to the extreme. xD Then started some attempt to save you... .you know how how that went... .:D Anyway, none of us did anything really wrong. We really tried our best. And it was a beutiful attempt. <3 We grow and learn. Crazy life indeed.

For what it's worth, my mother saw straight through you (unlike me who were blinded with love and idealization). She saw past the facade of "***** the loving caregiver", the little girl showing her worth by giving away herself. And what was there was something even more beautiful.

I don't know if you have a new idealized "perfect" but naive saviour lined up. And if you do I from my heart wish you two the best of luck.

Either way I hope you, the real saviour of yourself, find the insight and courage to fill the holes by both your parents. Or that's mostly always the cause anyway. I don't know, you do.

You will always be in my heart. Now I have to go heal my childhood wounds and focus on me.

Sab kuch milega.

Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: JRav59 on September 27, 2014, 06:40:56 AM
Thanks everyone for posting! These are all great letters! It's remarkable how similar they all are.

Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: swiftkick on September 27, 2014, 08:31:14 AM
I'm not emotionally in the right place to read back through journal entries right now, but what a terrific idea for a thread, and so many of your words could have come straight from my journal!

When I'm feeling like I am today, I pull out this epic text from my younger brother.  It makes me laugh, gives me strength, and is what I need to hear on days like today.  Feel free to make it yours!

You know sis, what pisses me off is ___... .it's always someone else's fault. Sis, he is not even in a remote vicinity of being good enough for you. Please realize, he should have been fixing sh&@ and working his a$$ off to figure his sh&@ out to be with you, and he didn't. He could only find faults... .things HE believed were faults. F%# that sh&@. He failed at treating you well and being good enough for you. Be done with that. You are mentally and emotionally way out of his league. That's blunt, and I know there are two sides to every story, but that's completely the picture I have based on the picture you have both painted through words and actions.

Title: Re: Eery Old Journal Entry (please add any letters you may have written)
Post by: Fluff on September 27, 2014, 12:21:21 PM
Wish I would had written something more like what rollercoaster24 wrote. That would had been closer to my heart. But with the threat of suicide hanging in the air I just couldn't.