BPDFamily.com

In the past few months I've seen him losing one friend after another. One of his best friends has turned her back on him saying she didn't want contact anymore. Yesterday, he got so mad at a friend that 'warned' me for his cheating behaviour that he sent him he never wants to talk to him anymore.

I notice that people say he has changed a lot. He started using concerta for his ADHD which made him more calm, but also less happy, peppy, and fun. Friends can't take that, but he doesn't talk to them about it. They have no idea what he is going through.

I find it difficult to witness this on the sideline without interfering in those friendships. One of the things I liked about him was his solid friend base – a prerequisite for recovery and quite a healthy sign…

My theory about this is that he is focusing so much on himself and is going through such a hard period. I feel like with this website and all the knowledge I gain from it, I understand (somewhat) what he is going through... if only he would be able to share this with friends as well. I fully understand that they’re fed up with him – I would be gone too if I hadn’t known he was suffering from a mental illness and working on it. The thing is, most of his good friends know about his BPD but haven’t read a damn thing about it. It’s so heartbreaking to see what is happening and that it’s really just a lack of psycho education / communication.  

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better?

Unfortunately this is common, friends simply are not 'cornered" into having to deal with it the same as a partner, so eventually they pack up and go if he cant keep the fun facade up.

To fully come to terms with BPD I think you need to really "have to"

We can come here and have virtual shoulders to lean on, it is very hard for pwBPD rarely have this. This all increases the neediness on us.

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I would be concerned, too.  Is he replacing any friends with friends in recovery?  My dBPDh has very few friends but a lot of acquaintances.  Deep, close, friendships are very difficult for him.  He has to either pretend to be all together or he acts like a victim.  The victimhood turns people off and the other end of having to pretend wears out my dBPDh.  He should be replacing this with close friendships, in recovery, but he just isn't able to.

I've seen the same.  Yesterday she was upset because she found out (via facebook) that two friends had gone out to see a movie without her.  She really does not know how to maintain healthy friendships - after awhile her friends split due to her negativity.  Facebook+BPD = guaranteed dysregulation.  As far as friends for her - I'm it.  Over the time I have known her, she will go through a period of a couple of months of really leaning on someone, then something happens, then nobody and it's all dumped on me.  And when she tells me what the issues are - it just sounds so 7th grad to me.  Doesn't want to hang out with one woman because she is thinner than her, doesn't want to hang out with another because she's always talking about her husband, hates another because she is jealous of that person's money... .

But I agree - the r/s definitely goes smoother when she has other friends to spend time with.

maxterling, yes... social media and PD's are a very intriguing combo. dBPDbf removed himself from Facebook, god knows why. He'll get online for an hour and then block his profile again for days.

A while ago I talked about BPD theory with one of his best friends. She, out of all people, is now the one who is turning her back on him. I really don't get it that people can't see that it is an illness... but I see where you're saying that they're not forced to, waverider. I am wishfully thinking that - because of his work in therapy - there will be better days in the future, once recovery is more prominent. And that his friends will allow him to show that, as well.

MissyM, dBPDbf is not in recovery in a group, he's getting individual therapy each week, so there are not people to bond with in group therapy. These last few weeks he seems to be concentrating on what he wants and is necessary for him to survive. In some way I think it is actually good this is all happening? When we were together for a few weeks he desperately explained he could never survive without his best friend. Well, now that she's not there anymore, he has to learn to deal with things by himself.

I still can't explain it to people but my gut feeling is saying he's trying really really hard to change things. His usual setbacks will set him off, but he seems to be focused on getting his own business, and rebuilding things with me. It feels like difficult friendships are a little out of his core focus now. And: people that have known him for a long time (best friends, family) tend to talk about him in a 'he will never change' kind of way. 'That's just the way he is'. All of his friends do this. How the hell can that be beneficial and supportive to someone who is really trying to make an effort?

In this case, I have to even agree with him. He is trying to change things for the better, is working through issues with me, and a friend he's known for 10 years is warning me about his cheating without having talked about it with him? I'd get mad about this if my best friends would betray me like this - even if it were true. How can someone change when nobody else around him believes he can? I can remember how I was trying to change my timing (I used to always be late), and then when I got to my sister she would say 'you're gonna be late 30 mins anyway' and that threw me off because of the lack of support or belief in me I could do this. Let alone a BPD in recovery honetsly trying to change things, relapsing, and then having other people affirming you're not going to change anything, ever.  

My uBPDh has also lost most of his friends.  The thing is they were never really "good" friends (they enabled his cheating and bi polar behavior a lot of the time), so it's not that much of a loss.  He's "replaced" them with friends he's met through work, which is a good thing, but sometimes I wonder how long before they see him for who he really is.

My husband isn't getting any help and will only acknowledge something is wrong with him when he sees I'm at my wits end and he has nothing else to blame his behavior on.  He's good at hiding his true colors (he hid them from me for almost 8 years!)