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I understand, it will be torbulent, but is there some wich has obtained a balansed rs, by setting healthy boarders, etc , and got it working.


I know a BPD woman interested in me, only thing I can say about her she is very immature despite being 40 pluss, looking for a caretaker person, she is careful with rs, do not sleep around , have good sides too. I am afraid the rs book keepng will result in a minus in my part.

Hi.

Sorry but I'm a little confused as to what your ? is.If your asking is there anybody on here that has a balanced relationship, then I would have to respond with, I think maybe, (at least as close to "balance" as one can hope for). At least from what I have read it sounds like there are some who come close.These people tell stories of how they got there and things they have gone through, and it is a lot! Question is... Does any couple have balance? With BPD SO's or without, I don't really think so(nobody does all the time).How boring that would be if things were perfect & predictable all the time! Right? First you need to figure out what makes you happy & what your needs are, then carefully decide if you want to take on a r/s with someone  known to have BPD:) You are the captain of your own happiness.

Yes but they have often gone through misery and pain before climbing back out of it.

Going in with a heads up is a difficult thing as the initial stages can confuse you with a picture that is not the ongoing picture

 

Yes... .my r/s is very satisfying.  I'm glad I'm a stayer... .but for me BPD traits showed up much later.  Looking back I can see hints.


What is your motivation for entertaining a r/s with this person?

The only way i can say my r/s is sound is that i have accepted the inheirent unhealthiness.  Or at least i try to.  That means i have accepted this is abusuve. Still no guarantees that i wont eventally wither and want something else at some point.  And there is a higher chance than with a non pd r/s that it wont wok out.

If i had a friend or sibling that was about to enter a r/s with a pwBPD, id strongly advise against it.  This is hard work.

It's up and down for me.  2 weeks in a row would be amazing then BAM something happens and accusations start flying first by being labeled a liar, a shady person, and there's nothing I can do to convince her that I'm not.  The worst is when she tells me where I was, how I felt, who I was with and what I was doing.

Then a few days later it's back to normal again.  It's a difficult task, and everytime it happens it chips away at me.

I'm glad you have realized this... .that any energy put into "convincing"... .is most likely going to be wasted.

So... .best thing is to not "convince" ... .also called JADE... .and put that energy to something productive.

What would that look like in your r/s.

For me... .I was flat worn out... .following this advice allowed me to get some energy back... .also allowed me to turn down the temperature some because lots of the "convincing" lead to arguments... .and more issues on the table.

Has your BPD person in your life been able to learn from their mistakes, and adapt to you, so both can give and take in the rs ?

Or do you juse technuiques,  bordersettings , physcology, etc to "partially" manipulate them beeing in the rs,

or maybe you just do some "hard acceptance", and acknowledge the BPD's limits, and don't try to force a change?

If they are "arrested" in their mental(abilities towards attachment) development set at 3yo, can a good doctor progress their development towards an older mental age ?

Yes, yes and yes... .

It did take work... .

... .I guess that person was not in denial about the disorder?

In my case... .there is less focus on labels and more focus on results.  I have found it more useful to focus on making things better in a r/s than wanting someone to admit to or not "deny" something.

Once each of us started owning our own behavior and trying to improve ourselves... .got our own evaluations and Ts... .and stopped pointing our fingers at each other... .things really got going in the right direction.

A lot can be achieved without the sufferer even being aware of the disorder, as your part in the dynamics is often what turns it into high conflict.

You start with changing you and your interaction in the RS. That starts to take it off the boil.

It is an evolution that starts to reduce the extremes of the BPD traits/reactions.

With help and support they can start to link cause and effect and find less destructive ways of coping.

You cannot make or force them better. But life can improve substantially even with the germs of the traits still being there.