BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

i am looking for some advice regarding the relationship between my 3 kids (D21, S19, S17) and my ex-uBPDw.  By way of background, married 26 years, I left last December, divorce finalized in July.  All kids live with me.  Relationship between all kids and ex has been very strained.  S19 will text or talk occasionally, D21 same, S17 has basically totally cut off communication after multiple incidents of her violating his privacy as well as disclosing inappropriate or flat out untruthful incidents about him among his peers.

The ex has begun an almost daily assault of epic length emails telling me how I never loved her, she did everything and I did not work, blah, blah, blah.  Your typical BPD who can't see the three fingers pointing back when the try to place the blame on the non or others.  She then launches into how she is going to sue me for parental alienation since the kids won't talk to her. 

My general attitude has been that I try not to bad mouth the ex to the kids, try to affirm their feelings of abuse by her by simply listening, and in general just get along with daily life.  I don't go out of my way to bash her, nor do I go out of my way to encourage them to contact her.  I feel like I provide them all with cell phones, computers and transportation.  If they want to go, I certainly will never stop them.

I have discussed the issue with my counselor and he says that despite my misgivings, in general it is better kids to have relationships with both parents.  I have also read a few excerpts of Bill Eddy's book, Don't Alienate the Kids, which I will probably be ordering this week.  Bill Eddy seems to echo my counselors thoughts, but it was a little clearer when he explained that if kids engage in complete cut off of the BPD parent, they are using the same all or nothing thinking of the BPD, and they will benefit from learning to work with and through the difficult process of interacting with the BPD. 

I guess all of it kind of makes sense, I am just really having a hard time prompting the kids to have a relationship with their mother at this point in time.  It is just so dang peaceful without her in anyone's lives.

Thoughts? Advice?  Anyone else gone through these feelings?

Mine are S16, D18, SD25, and SS35.  All have contact with their mom, to different degrees, but none of them have a healthy relationship with her.

I think you're right to read everything you can by Bill Eddy - he's great.  I think he's usually talking about younger kids, but I'm sure you'll find stuff of value.

Generally I would suggest that you focus on your own relationships with each of the kids - meeting their needs but also helping them become independent.  Minimize your focus on their relationships with their mom.  If one of them wants to talk about that, great - listen actively, and give them your honest thoughts that you think will be helpful - not all of your baggage that doesn't matter to them.  But it's not your job to tell them they should see their mom more, or less, or whatever - they're all more-or-less adults and responsible for deciding for themselves.

Your counselor is right, if the other parent is more-or-less psychologically healthy.  But I would challenge him to cite any evidence that an adult is better off spending a lot of time with a psychologically unhealthy parent.  He may be speaking in generalities that don't apply in this specific case.  (Or he may have never known someone with BPD.)

Adult kids still need a lot from a parent - guidance, acceptance, a sounding board, and these days, maybe some encouragement to go out on their own at some point.  But they don't necessarily need two parents, if one has a big problem and isn't getting the help she needs.  Let them decide what kind of relationship with their mom is helpful.

My kids are 2 and 4, so take that for what it is.

I think it's good that you are cognizant of not alienating them, but they are adults now, even your 17 year old son. Close enough. I think they have a right to their feelings, and as for suing you? Empty threat, and it might only be a concern with your 17 year old, but he's close to being an adult.

I thnk your therapist's concern would be valid... .with a relatively healthy other parent, but it sounds invalalidating to your kids' feelings. They are how they are for a reason.

When my Ex and I used to do nightly calls, I would sometimes say,."talk to mommy, she loves you and she's your mom." I realized that it was invalidating, so we stopped the ritual. Though it's good to teach respect of the other parent, it's better to respect the feelings of our children.

Yeah, that lawsuit threat is a joke.  No attorney with integrity would take the case, and any judge with a lick of sense would throw it out.