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I would like to know if you've been through something similar, as BPDh REALLY freaked me out last time I saw him.

For those who don't know my situation, BPDh and I are living apart, he staying at his parents, and I and the kids at home. Things started going really bad early July, with relapses of love and insight in August and early September. But, as I refused to recycle with no major changes (essentially not spending all his time with his parents and sisters!), things started to get worse... .

Now, we can't communicate anymore. I suggested MC as a last resort. He agreed, and even suggested going to the restaurant afterwards. I was thrilled, but things didn't turn out as expected. It was last Saturday.

At MC, he was tense, criticized our r/s lots, talked about terrible feelings of being crushed.

But AFTER the MC, he really, really looked weird and crazy.

Zero empathy, none at all. Bolging, emotionless eyes. He spoke harshly, kept saying cruel things, refused totally that I spoke to him (I wanted to suggest therapeutic separation but got no chance to say a word), the few words I said he imagined I had harassed and insulted him. Also, he said things that didn't make much sense, like answering "I did love my mother too" when I told him "I've always been truthful to you".

Although I'd seen him distant and cold in the past, and cruel too, I'd never seen him looking so "robot-like".

It was 5 days ago, and I'm still under shock.

Is this behaviour really part of BPD? Or could it show that he's a sociopath or something?

Have you experienced things like this?

Indyan, yeah, I think he may have "narcissistic personality disorder" (NPD).  I suspect my wife to have this because it is obvious that my existence has to serve her purpose only.  I am pretty dumb, it took me years and now looking back to piece everything together.  Essentially, if I were to dye tomorrow, my wife would only be stressed about the things that I would no longer to do for our family … but my death would mean really nothing to her.  I know this for sure (I really don't want to rehash… if you do a search, you will see I have said plenty on this board).  So at first, I thought she definitely had PD and then for some reason, she doesn't fit in the BPD category … I was puzzled.  Until one day I start to read about NPD, that is when everything clicked.  Yes, my wife has actions and emotions that really felt flat out sociopathic.  I had hard time accepting this … for a long time I was in denial.  I couldn't accept it because the time, love, and investment that I put into building a relationship can be all vanished and now with 3 kids, I can not just pickup and leave.  I have to wake up everyday knowing there is no hope and yet trying to find that glass half full scenario.  Yes, if for some miracle, my wife changes one day, my life would be easier.  So in someway, I still believe in Santa Clause, otherwise I won't be able to deal with my day to day life.  Google for NPD and see what you find… to start,  you can look at this url www.thenarcissisticlife.com/the-difference-between-borderline-and-narcissistic-personalities/

warm wishes.

Indyan, you may remember that I mentioned that my Husband had a spell where he was acting and speaking to me in a similar manner. During his 2.5 year affair many years ago, he acted like this for a good year or more, pretty much regularly. It was terrible, and it did cause me much pain and it affected my self-image and whole world in a very negative way.

I would say that he was possibly undiagnosed BPD, or at least had terrible BPD traits (those traits have now mostly subsided, and are much less severe now that I've learned what I've learned on this site). He is not suffering from Narcissim; it's all BPD stuff... .

My dBPDh has acted in this very cold, cruel and scary manner, when he had been feeling incredibly dysregulated and then was trying to cut himself off from his emotions.  He does have some narcissistic traits, on top of the BPD, but I don't know what this behavior is  symptom of.

Thanks to all of you for your replies 


It's strange because the T told me after I described my situation and partner to him that BPDh looked "BPD, sometimes traveling along the axis towards NPD".

He's met him twice since then, once alone, the other time at MC.

When BPDh sent him his lengthy email after MC, raving about how terrible his situation was and how evil his wife is to him, he complained that I'd "accused him of being BPD and NPD".

T told him "We can't be both, it's either one or the other."

Thanks for this. It's very interesting.

"BPD is estimated at a developmental level of about age three while NPD is generally estimated at about age six."

3 years old  

From reading this, I really think that my partner is a lot more BPD than NPD.

- Individuals with NPD think they are “special” and that they can only be understood by other special or high-status people, while people with BPD feel misunderstood and mistreated (he's a permanent victim)

- People with NPD expect others’ lives to revolve around them, while those with BPD will devote their lives to another person (he says he spends his life trying to satisfy others)

- People with BPD will frantically try to avoid what they consider to be abandonment, while narcissists are more likely to do the abandoning (he panicked about me abandoning him)

Hi Indyan,

Last year from about May through February of this year, my dBPDh began to unravel and it was as though he had become the disorder. When he looked at me I know he saw his parents, he spoke to me in words that were about what I was doing to him, but it was what his parents had done to him.

If I hadn't seen it happen I would not believe it possible. When he spoke he spoke from a very hurt place, he was like a wounded animal. It was utterly devastating to see him, he lost 2 stone, stopped sleeping, was constantly paranoid and angry. Every word I spoke was a trigger, every look was a trigger. He returned to ways of coping that I had never seen, but had been his way of coping as a teenager. Sleeping rough for weeks on end, a brief return to illicit drug use, 6 overdoses in a year, two nearly killed him, he was in a coma on life support from one of the overdoses. He attacked a group of teenagers whilst severely dysregulated, no charges were brought because his mental state was so disordered.

He eventually spent time in hospital for trying to set fire to himself  

All of this I thought came out of no where when in fact there were a series of triggers that happened all at the same time, particularly the fact that we returned to live in the next street to his childhood home.

My husband despite having a violent disturbed adolescence, had been relatively stable for the years since I met him. He was unrecognisable from the man I knew last year, he was consumed by all whole array of negative emotions. There were times when I believe his hatred of his parents was such that when he looked at me I thought it was possible he would kill me.

Have a look at a term called 'transference' this is what we are often caught up in with someone who has BPD.

When my husband speaks to me in words I have no understanding of I know he is talking about his mother. I no longer respond because there is absolutely nothing I can say that could repair this initial trauma.

All I know is that with love, consistency, understanding and information about this disorder I know better how to prevent a situation escalating and I believe it is therefore possible to prevent the worst excesses of what happened last year happening again.

What I am in my day to day life with my husband is constant, the same, level, measured, grounded and this takes practice and time.

In the last three months I have slowly but surely seen the man I knew start to return. This does not have a happy ending as things remain very fragile for him, but I am different, not necessarily stronger, but knowing what to expect really helps.

In my past life I worked within mental health settings and in my opinion at its worst BPD is one of the most devastating disorders.

Uhm, I have been told by several Ts now that you can have traits of both.  My dBPDh is mostly BPD but has some of the NPD traits.  It is possible to have different symptoms from other Axis II disorders, as they seem to be closely related.  My dBPDh has a BPD Mom and an NPD Dad.