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Title: Feel/think/intuition Post by: icecream on October 11, 2014, 01:55:54 PM Its been exactly 3 years since we first met. Here is were i am:
When our paths crossed she caught my attention pretty fast and my feelings sort of overload. Combined with her constant attempt to communicate i missed the red flags. All i could think about and enjoyed these feelings: missing, liking, excited, feeling alive, loving and making love, feeling important, feeling needed, attraction... . I felt so strong and proud about myself. Our b/u and sort of friendship forced me into thinking. Knowing she moved my inside world and convinced i loved her that i was sure of but her strange behaviours, silent treatments, punishments, push and pulls forced me into thinking and doubts about myself. Every time when we had contact the attention was focussed on her. Thats when i felt needed/loved again but actually it made me switch focus away from myself. But what did i do wrong, whats wrong with her and me, what if i done things differently... .My doubts when i felt she was lying or manipulating or using me and abussing me mentally were never proven because i didnt had facts and never an adult conversation were she spoke the truth... .no closure and very disrespectfull for all the energy i used on her. I felt low, worthless, ugly, weak Now i feel i've reached a point were my knowledge and the study i was forced to take combined with the heartache sort of starts to hit ground. I'm using my intuition, eventhou it was under a thick layer. I'm looking for improvement on that part but i am trusting myself. I like myself, i like spending time with me, i'm my best friend. Because i know i am a good woman and still believe in the goodness of people but this sort of experience is something i dont want to let happen again in the future. My pureness is gone, i'm cautious, see red flags everywhere, would like to become more spontanious... . Thanks to all of you who share their stories. Eventhou lots of them are so aweful, the response the the knowledge of eachother help so many people. Thank you non-BPD-crew... .yes thats YOU! |