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I am trying to set boundaries with my H of 32 years.  He has major anger issues, is moody, negative, critical, never wrong, has no insight, and is miserable to be around.  I do not believe he is BPD (unlike our BPDDD29)  but I KNOW he has deep-rooted issues.

Boundary #1:  It is no longer acceptable for him to yell and slam doors when he is bothered by noises in the house after he goes to bed.  (I stay up much later than he does.)  I set this boundary in an e-mail to him because I knew if I told him in person, he would say nothing and walk away.  I explained that I was always very careful not to disturb him knowing how he would react.  I told him I would continue to try not to disturb him, but I would not tolerate his outbursts.   if   He read the e-mail and didn't speak to me for two days, but he has only "lost it" a couple of times and not to the level that he usually would.   My question:   Do I need a consequence to this behavior, especially since he hasn't completely stopped doing it?  I do not deserve to put up with these outbursts anymore. 

Boundary #2:  I have a decorating business, and my H is my installer.  After this past weekend, he will not be helping me anymore.  He is a ball of anger and tension on nearly every single job we do.  He is very pleasant to the client and even to me--as long as the client is standing right there.  If they are not there or if they go into another room, he is a butt to me.  My H does a very good job and I trust him with the installations, but I am done.  I have told him several times how I perceive his behavior when we are at a client's house.  He does not agree.  He has no idea what I'm talking about.  Or he does not remember.  My question:  Do I tell him I am getting someone else to help me, or do I just do it?  He will most likely say nothing and walk off in a huff whether I tell him now or whether I tell him later.  I will most likely have another job to install in about a month. 

Boundary #3:  This one drives me nuts.  My H frequently completely ignores me when I speak to him.  He does not see the need to respond at all.  We have discussed this and he does not understand why this bothers me and will not apologize for it.  (He doesn't apologize for anything.)  However, he has gotten better at actually responding to me.  It's usually just one or two words and is now folowed by my name (Yes, Verbena. Ok, Verbena.  etc.) but at least he is answering me.  I think he resents having to speak to me at all.   It's just the two of us here, so it's not like I don't know he's talking to ME, but whatever... .

The second part of this issue is that he will tell me he did respond when he didn't.  I will be two feet from, looking right at his face, and his mouth does not move.  Words do not come out.  If I ask if he heard me or if I just continue to stand there and wait for a response, he will say, "I told you yes, Verbena" or "I said ok, Verbena."  This has happened more times than I can count. I am not crazy, I am not deaf, and I am not blind.  This is a sick mind game, and I told him that a couple of months ago and he became furious and said he does not play games.    Yet he continues to do it.  My question: How do I set a boundary with this?  He INSISTS that words came from his mouth.  This is not true.  If he BELIEVES he is speaking, how can he change the behavior?  Remember, he is never wrong.  Ever. 

I would appreciate any advice on how to make/enforce these boundaries. 

Hi Verbena- I am not sure what to say about your proposed boundaries #1 and #3- you're in a tough spot! I do think, however, as far as #2 goes, that you are absolutely right in not having him help you anymore. I would tell him that you're no longer in need of his help and that you've decided to hire someone else. My H and I do the same thing for a living, and often, working together is not fun. It's a shame because, like your H, mine is also good at what he does and I enjoy collaborating with him in front of others. Behind closed doors, he can be very difficult: complains, makes excuses, etc. So, I don't ask him to collaborate with me unless it's for something very important. Even then, I have to really weigh my options.

cat21,

If you and your H are in the business together, I guess you can't very well cut him loose from it.  Isn't it amazing how they can put up a front when clients are around and be so nasty in private?  Is your husband aware that you perceive his behavior as so difficult?  I have explained all this to my husband, and he just looks at me like I have two heads.  I will tell him soon that I am going to hire someone else.  I anticipate he will be mad about it, but what else is new.  He is mad about something all the time anyway.

I have finally come to the conclusion that he is jealous.  He never pays me a compliment, and I mean never.  He has nothing positive to say about my talents or abilities, but he will find fault with the smallest things I do and has a very strong need to correct/chastise me--for just about everything.   

I have always shared my ideas for clients and tried to get him to show interest, with no success.  So I'm done doing that, too. 

And yes, #1 and #3 are tough to figure out.  He cannot deny that he slams doors and yells, but he seems to think if he says words left his mouth, then they did.