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After a good weekend and a decent morning, she started badgering me at work via text message, regarding money.  I told her I had a busy day at work and needed to finish a report, and that we could discuss those issues later.  She then asked if she should call back regarding a nanny job that she turned down the other day, and I told her that the job is close, would be less stress, and the money would help us out.  A few hours later, she messaged me saying how she is too stressed and triggered to take that job, and she resents me pressuring her to take it.  I validated, then she apologized, and I thought things were fine.

A while later she started asking me about the mortgage.  She wanted to call the bank to see if she could re-negotiate.  She called, and they told her basically what they always told me - not an option.  I then explained to her that I wished we could save money there, but it's not an option and we need to look for other ways of earning more money.  Then it went downhill, with her starting the blame, how I don't earn enough, how my family doesn't care, the whole nine yards.  I told her that these were important issues for us to discuss when I got home, but at that moment I needed to concentrate on my job.  She continued to abuse, I ignored, she got madder, then said she was calling off the wedding, how this relationship was a dead end, how the wedding is all my idea, she doesn't want to get married, and then said "It's over".

I then told her that if that was the case, she needs to find another place to stay tonight.

I came home, she was packing her bags, and she was going to a hotel to kill herself.  I tired to get her to stay, to talk, and she was intent on leaving.  Just as she was out the door, her friend showed up, told her that being alone would be a bad choice, and got into the car with her.  Now they are gone.  She is still sending hurtful texts, threatening to kill herself, and I am mostly ignoring, hoping the friend takes her keys and makes sure she is safe.

I'm so scared. 

I am so sorry, Max.  Since the job loss she has really been spinning out of control.  Are you ok?

Max -

I am sorry you are in the middle of all this.

Nightmoves

I understand how you're feeling Max. I'm sorry you're going through this. I am going through the same thing with my uBPDh. It's like you're on a emotional roller coaster from hell and you can't get off.  With me, my husband will say hurtful things, I feel because he doesn't want to focus on his own wrongdoings, and maybe to get more of my attention?   This continues until he pushes me away, then once that happens brings up suicide as a last ditch attempt to get me to come back and give him attention again. It really messes with your mind! Hang in there, she has her friend with her so she's not alone. Take some time to relax and know it won't always feel like this. And absolutely don't take any of it personal. Sending an "I love you" text may go along way with her too as it sounds like she's unable to voice that to you right now. It'll also make you feel better too if she starts responding more positively.

I talked to out T, who recommended sending her a message asking her to come home, and phrasing it like that.  I did, and that opened things up a bit.  And of course the whole thing is about how she is jealous of her irresponsible single mom friends who leach the system and their families to have children.  Dysfunctional poorly behaved children, while the moms are miserable.  Seems like nothing to be jealous of there.  And then I guess some fight with her dad? 

Part of me hopes she stays out for the night.  But this is one of those times where I need to just shelve my needs for awhile until I know she is safe.  Seems to be half the r/s.  After tonight, may take a long time for *me* to return to baseline. 

It's all BPD - she sits at home stewing about lack of money, wanting a child, jealous of her single mom friends, head racing, and racing more.  I try to suggest she look for part time work (as she promised me she would), and then it all becomes my fault that I am pushing her to work when she feels she can't.  Then it's my fault that I don't earn enough for us to have a child (Not true.  We would have to alter our lifestyle (no more 300$ makeup and cut back on eating out), but I know plenty of people who have families on my salary.  And if one or the other of us could get part time work or just a few hundred a month extra income for a year and finish paying off a few debts, we'd be fine.  She just can't see it that way.  Can't see first step needed to solve a problem.

well, she came back with a friend, seemed better.  But, the minutes the friend left, she wanted to talk about the same stuff again.  I did, but the minute she started with the blame again, I told her NO MORE, that we can talk tomorrow, that I needed to go to bed.  At that point she said she was going to a hotel to commit suicide, so I called 911.  I didn't know what else to do.  She sped away, the cops pulled her over, and now I don't know what h append but she is sending me a stream of angry text messages.

I thought the police would follow up with me?  I just didn't know what else to do... .

It depends on what happened. You may need to call the non-emergency number for your local police and see if you can find out what happened. Tell them the story and see if they can tell you whether or not she was taken to a hospital, jail, or let go. Depending on what she has said to them, you may not be able to find out much more than whether or not she is safe. IF they didn't pick her up, let them know about the angry texts. Let them know that you feel like she is a danger to herself. You may need to be persistent.

I did my best to let them know.  She then sent a barrage of messages blaming me for this and that and forcing her to sleep in a parking lot.  I then left, told her she could sleep at home, and I will get a hotel.  And that is where I am now.  I really need sleep.

If you need to know that she is okay before you can sleep, ask the police to do a welfare check on her.

Sending you a great big hug   I hope you can get some sleep. Turn everything over to the police and then turn off your phone.

Hi, Max.

Your patience is incredible.  Your strength is encouraging.  Your are such a gift to this lady.  I pray that she recognizes that.  I hope you've gotten some sleep.  What a tough time you are in.

You were really smart to talk to her T.  You can validate your actions with her now - "I've done what the T said was best."  Good back up.  And I think you did the right thing in calling 911.  Someone did that to me a long time ago when I was convinced suicide was the only way out.  After I got over the shock and disgust that he called the police, (I wouldn't talk to him for a very long time after that) it made me realize how serious things had gotten.  I ended up in a hospital on suicide watch for a week or so.  It didn't make me want to live, but it sure made me stop wanting to die, because I did not want to go there again, and it made me appreciate being free.  I'm no expert in all of this, but in my opinion, you did the right thing.  And it was brave of you to do so.

Keep sharing Max, we are all sending you support and good intentions.

I got a few hours sleep.  I needed it, but was hoping for much more.  I'm thinking of taking a sick day from work.  I just feel weird now, wondering if I made the right decision, missing her, but also just glad for the peace and quiet, and extremely anxious that the peace will end and I will have to deal with this.  I don't feel safe with myself dealing with what I dealt with last night.  I don't know what I want or need right now other than a break. 

I'm sot sure what to do next.  I'm thinking of sending her a text message in a few hours and let her know that i won't be coming home between the hotel and work.  And then just go from there based on what her reaction is?  I wish the quiet of right now could last forever.

If you text her, (which I guess you may have done already),

Will you be able to work if she doesn't text back?

Will you be able to work if she does?

Quiet is where the still voice of reason lives.  Take what you need, Max.  Recognizing you need a break is enough.  Knowing what you can and cannot shoulder is also a good thing.  Her emotions have put her where she is, and you have done what you can to help her.

I'm glad to see you are thinking about your needs and not hers.

1) Not yet.  My anxiety is way too high.

2)  Don't know.  Not effectively if I do, though.

3)  Depends on what she says.  I wasn't able to work very well yesterday.

Have you eaten?  Are you looking after you?

So in other words, if you text her, her words will dictate your day.  Is that what is best for you?

I'm sure you want to know how she is, but if you don't know, you can keep a bit of distance from the situation. 

That being said, it would feel wrong for me if I didn't say something to her, after the night you both just had.  Could you text her your support and explanation then shut off the phone so you are not on pins and needles wondering what is going to happen next?

I told her I would not be home between the hotel and work, and that I hoped she was okay.  I didn't hear back for an hour, so I messaged her friend, who told me she was on the phone with her.  So she is okay.

Good, she's okay.  Now you know.

You've been through a lot.  Be good to yourself today, Max.

Hugs and best wishes, C. 

Hey, You sound EXACTLY like I did right after I got married. I've been married now 8 years and it has been rough. If I could go back I'd leave and be single for a while. It wasn't worth the emotional abuse, losing friends, dealing with drama and having family issues. We have 2 beautiful kids and they are a lot of what keeps us together for now. I think I'd be asking myself if I want to deal with this type of behavior for the long term.  My wife has only very recently slowed down the drama and started to look at her own behavior. It is more peaceful, but after a 10 year relationship I'm worn out.  I commend you on your dedication, but if you are like me it will wear thin to the point that you want your OWN life.

I'm impressed with the way you enforce your boundaries.

Last July when BPD demanded in a rage that the kids and I go to sleep at a hotel.

The next day, he was still in a foul mood, so I decided to go to the police station to declare the abusive behaviour. A short while later, a patrol was sent to our house and the policemen told BPD he should leave "if he wasn't happy", not the kids and I.

He resented me a lot for this... .I know that we feel trapped between reinforcing our boundaries (or in your case, assuring her safety) and showing our love and trust... .I mean we feel like we're betraying them in a way.

But it's their extreme behaviour that's the cause of all this, it's not OUR fault.

Take care 

 

Max,

I think you were smart to involve the T.  Suicide threats are a big deal.  Professional level stuff.  Do you think you can get her in to see her T?

My gut says this needs to be addressed professionally... .so that you can tell her... .and your own conscience... .that you are doing the best you can... .by following the advice of professionals.

Thoughts?

hi max. how are you doing?

i agree with everyone, you did well by calling the T, and the police too. and this friend, who is she?

I wonder if the therapist can use this particular crisis to help you and your fiancée develop a safety plan for any future events of the same type. (To plan out a mutually agreed protocol now, before the wedding, might be a powerful sign of mutual understanding between two people about to join their lives.)

Add my voice to those who feel you've handled the present events very well.

That's what I told her last night.  That once it gets to the level of suicide threats, I do not have the training to help her, and if she is making suicide threats I have no choice but to call for some help.  And considering she said she was going to leave the house and kill herself, and she was in the process of leaving the house - to me that means she wasn't just making a statement, she was either carrying out the first part of a plan, or trying to manipulate - very bad either way.  I don't regret calling the police - I didn't know what else to do.

She seems to be in a better mood now.  Wants to re-invite her dad to lunch.  To me that says she has re-evaluated her behavior.  I still don't want to talk about it tonight.  After last night, it's just too volatile, and I can't risk that happening again.

The friend who was with her last night is an AA friend.  And the friend whom I chatted with this morning is a long time best friend who lives in another state, also from a 12-step program.  People who know her well and have a better understanding of how her mind works.

I'm really glad you have a support system in place, max.

Her Therapist, 2 good friends, and her Dad (possibly?) to support the both of you.

Has she by any chance talked to her T today? Will she maybe do that tomorrow? I don't blame you for wanting tonight to be less volatile; you both need a break from the trauma of last night and earlier today, etc.

I agree that you had to call the police and her T, and I hope she gets to the place where she realizes this will need to be addressed with professionals. You have my prayers, for both of you... .

Thanks for the support, everyone.  I don't know if she talked to her T or not today.  I hope so - ultimately she needs that.  She has an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, and Thursday is group therapy, and Thursday night a friend comes from out of town to stay with us for awhile.  That will help.

the out of town friend I talked to this morning told me she was going to call the police last night, too, and that I did the right thing.  It helps to hear people tell me that I handled things okay. 

Oh Max! My heart and thoughts go for you. I'm very sorry for all you have been through. Do you have a friend or someone from your family to stay with you too, so you can talk things over also? I think you might need some help, too... .  we're not that strong, sometimes.

I'm amazed by how great you have dealt with everything. Please take care of yourself.

 

Solid work Max!

Is the T that she has an appointment with tomorrow the same one that you talked to on the phone?

I would make sure that T has all the information that you have.

Hang tough dude... .you are showing what you are made of... .I'm proud of you.

   My heart goes out to you max, and your partner.

You are right to take the suicide threats seriously like you did, and involve professionals.

Hang in there and try to take care of yourself!

Well she came home last night from an AA meeting, and gave ma a big hug.  A good sign, and that immediately dropped my heart rate in half knowing I would likely not be dealing with the rage and suicide threats again.  My main focus now is on making sure she understands that what happened the other night is a very bad thing, and that she needs help, and that she needs to focus on getting help.  She's safe for now, now let the professionals deal with it.  She did call her IC yesterday, and our MC.  Those are good signs.  She did discuss the possibility of hospitalization with her IC, and apparently they decided that some kind of intensive OP would be better right now.

 

This is good... that she is interacting with the professionals and making decisions about her care.

Do you see your involvement (role) with her IC or MC changing... .as in more phone calls or updates?

Yes.  A big yes.  Before I was okay with letting her find her own path.  Not anymore.  After the other night, it's clear that I need to do what I can to motivate her towards therapies and 12-step meetings.   She needs the honest truth here - that while I can understand and forgive her for the kinds of events that happened the other day - I still feel hurt by them, I still need her to handle her own emotions and develop strategies of managing stress before things get to that point.  And once things return to relative safety with her emotions, I need to stress to her what would have happened had we had a child in the house the other day.  I'd be telling her something that deep down she already knows, but she needs to know that I consider this a big deal, a VERY big deal.  She needs to know that the survival of this relationship and us having children is entirely dependent on her learning strategies to handle stress and emotions, and that I can't do that for her.

Interesting here - she hugged me last night, and apologized, explained what happened that she boiled over with stress and went out of control, that she said hurtful things, and she didn't mean it.  And you know what?  I feel fine.  Yeah, those were mean and hurtful words, but having spent time on this message board and reading books on BPD and going to 12-step meetings, I don't take much of this personally anymore.  I return to baseline much quicker, and get on with my life.  When this happened last year, I felt crappy for a month or two afterwards.  Yet today, I'm looking forward to going home, having a nice dinner, and doing what I need to do to take care of me.

It sounds like her father took the brunt of the wrath the other day.  He is very hurt, and he doesn't know how to "stop the bleeding" and instead wants to lash out and blame in anger in return.  I don't blame him.  She said some very hurtful and accusatory things to him.  I'm sure it is much more difficult to let go when the pwBPD is your child.  He sent me a few messages this morning that he thought he was sending to her.  I'm glad for that mistake, because they were very hurtful and would have been destructive considering how remorseful and scared she feels this morning.  I chatted with him a bit, told him that her anger has nothing to do with him, that this is her own internal struggle and he would be better off just letting her deal with her own problems through professionals and he just go about his day.  I know where he is coming from.  During her anger the other day, she blamed him and his parenting for all of her trauma and struggles, and she used that moment to tell him that she had been raped as a teenager (I guess he previously didn't know) and blamed it on his poor parenting.  (By the way, at one point last year during a rage, she tried so shift some of the blame for that rape onto me - that was one of those moments that helped me realize that her rages had absolutely nothing to do with anything I did or didn't do - how could I possibly be responsible for something that happened to her 20 years before we even met!).

Anyway, I hope her dad can calm down and keep his distance and heal.  I told her to disengage from him for a few days - she doesn't need to read or deal with his crap.

Solid work Max.  Have you said this to her directly yet?  I'm wondering if some rephrasing could help.  That phrase is fine for normal times... .but instead of saying something that you "can't" do... I'm wondering if staying positive is better and saying it is something for her to do... .  (this may be a bit of a fine point... .or I may be off the mark... .)

Basically how do you say that positively... . 

A counterargument to what I'm saying... .is that she clearly needs to know, understand, live, believe... .in every nook and cranny of her life that her emotions are hers... .and you didn't "cause" them.  If it takes negative talk to make that point... .so be it.




Max,

I appreciate you describing how you used to think... .how long it used to take you to get over things... .and how that is now.  Can you spend some time describing how your self care has evolved.  Note:  This thread is getting long... .so might be good to start a new thread on that... .but I think that would be good for lots of people to be able to follow how your thinking evolved on that.


This might be another thread as well... .but I'm not sure I remember much of what she has dealt with from her family.  Does she feel the need to stay connected?  How much drama do they keep adding to her life? 

I'll respond to this here, because it is relevant to this thread, but start a new threat with the other topic you mentioned.

I met her because she was in my city taking care of her dad after a major operation.  And while she spends most of her time badmouthing him, I know deep down she truly loves him and wants him in her life.  She just doesn't know how.  And with talk of marriage and a potential family, I think she feels a stronger desire to be close, yet she doesn't know how.  The BPD gets in the way, as does his extreme JADE behavior.  If he could learn to focus on himself and not expect her to behave in any particular way, their relationship would be much better.  And I know he desperately wants to have a good relationship with her, but I think he has misguided intentions.  I think a lot of men have a biological "protective" mechanism in place towards their children and families, and many men tend to express that in destructive ways, especially towards daughters.  I think that is at play here, where he feels some shame about the person she became, and still tries to "parent" by trying to get her to conform to his ideal of a good person (which she is incapable of) rather than accept things for what they are.  I think it is his way of trying to protect her from bad things by trying to get her to conform to a certain behavior. 

Her mother is deceased.  Her mother was also diagnosed BPD, and basically died from smoking.  Her mother was homeless at the time she died, and was both and abuse victim from her FOO, and very abusive towards her children.  And while she has been deceased for 5 years, she still comes in to play in two areas - her father and stepmother blame her mom for all kinds of things.  My fiancé gets very upset by this.   While she knows her mom was abusive, she also still sees her as a mom who struggled with her own mental health, and not deserving of blame after death.  The second area where her mom comes into play is that she sees how her mom wound up, and sees her own struggles as similar as if her mom's fate is foretelling her future.  So, if she loses her job, it's just like her mom not being able to keep a job and winding up homeless.

Her stepmom is another issue.  She resents her stepmom because she blames her stepmom as the reason she was not close to her father as a child.  It's the old "dad was too busy pursuing her to pay attention to me."  I know her stepmom cares about her, but can be controlling and neurotic.

Extended family - she seems closest to her aunt.  I have never met this aunt, but from what I hear this aunt is likely PD herself.  I don't want to say bad things, but I kinda resent this woman because she seems to want to meddle in my affairs by telling my fiancé what to do regarding this r/s, without having met me.  She has two step brothers. One she does not want to speak to, the other she has gotten closer to in later years.   But I think the reason she is not close is because they represent part of her drug use past (both are frequent pot smokers), and I think there were also inappropriate relationships with her step brothers.  She has one sister that seems to put up a good boundary wall.  I get it, but my fiancé feels hurt by it.  I don't blame her sister.  She's doing what she has to do to be happy and avoid the chaos of her family.  And in the past year, she has become closer to her other aunt and uncle, partly because of me.  I think this is a healthy relationship.

Just wanted to say, that is fantastic!  I find the message of depersonalizing other's behavior in Alanon is helpful for me.  It is amazing how many things in dealing with addiction are helpful for BPD.

Whew. That's some relief for you, and I'm glad you aren't taking it personally.


I get that she needs to understand this.

I think you are hitting on the crux of it when you say that deep down she already knows. I'd add that in addition to already knowing, I'd bet that she is absolutely unspeakably terrified of this, and completely unable to face it.

I'm afraid that any way you tell her this, it will make things worse rather than better. It is invalidating, and will probably be heard as a threat rather than encouragement.

... .I'm wondering if speaking this out loud should wait until you are ready to end it?

This current episode has to be sufficient motivation to "get better" without any comments like this.

You may be better off just continuing the "normal" program as a non, using good boundary enforcement, avoiding unnecessary invalidation, being validating, and using good communication tools.

You can support her, but remember that only she can do the real work.

 

One thought is that since she "upped the game"... .by her behavior... .you know have proof that most everyone will agree the past strategy wasn't working.

So... .what next... .how do we up the treatment game?

I see what grey kitty means... .about invalidating and scaring her more.

How do we get her to "peek" at her worst fears... .in a positive light... .rather than face them head on.

Tiny Little Changes... .  how does that apply to facing your worst fear?

There should be some balance here...

Grey-Form - those are excellent thoughts, thank you.  One thing I try to avoid is telling her things she already knows.  And she already knows that if her behavior doesn't change it will bring about the end to this r/s.  And you are right, if I say or do anything to confirm what she already knows, bad things will happen.  And despite the other night, I still see big changes in her over the past year.  I still think she can do this (become stable), but it will take motivation and support from me.

I think a better approach would be to try and steer the subject when she gets on the subject of working or having a family.

"I think it is wonderful to have those goals. I want nothing more than to see you happy and enjoying life.  But last Monday was very serious and very scary for both of us, and I think the best way to reach those goals would be to take time now to work though the issues with stress and emotional management.  I've seen the efforts you have made over the past year and a half and the changes that have occurred within you, and I think for our long term goals it would be better if you focused on that right now instead of career training."

And regarding her dad -

She's still at odds with him.  I'm sure many of you have dealt with the same.  I don't see where he is being particularly cruel or mean or a jerk, but then again I don't know their whole history.  She claims he is manipulating her, using money to control her, and triggering her.  She's blaming him.  What I see is him wanting to protect her, wanting her to have a happy life, wanting to see her get married, and wanting to have boundaries to protect himself.  He emailed yesterday saying that all he wants is for her to be happy, and still wants to participate in her wedding, but any more of her accusing him and blaming him, and he will quietly leave.  Sounds reasonable.  And he said that if she can't do that to tell him now (he used the word "uninvite" him).

And of course she immediately got defensive and fired back, accused him of trying to control her with money (because they are giving us money for the wedding), accused him of not letting her have boundaries, and blamed him some more.  Uggh.  And of course he got defensive and told her that they are giving us money regardless of whether we have a wedding or not, that it's completely unconditional, that all he wants is for her and I to be happy, and all he wants is a relationship with her that doesn't include blame and accusations.

I'm doing my very best to stay completely out of it - but somehow they both feel I should be involved.

|iiii Good idea there!


I think you missed your goal here.

1. Don't use "but" "I think it is wonderful to have goals... .but last Monday was scary... ." Using but takes a good, friendly validating statement, and completely sucks all the good it did away with the invalidating part after it. There is a reason the SET format doesn't have the word "but" in it!

2. She already knows just about all of this--she knows how crazy Monday was. She knows that she has stuff to work on. She probably knows that you want her to work on it too!

Given how important all this is to her... .you aren't going to "gently" steer the conversation. I'm not sure you can be more gentle than "I can't talk about a having a family today." MAYBE you can change the subject... .but if you try, pick something safe like weather, sports, cat videos on the internet... .not her need for tough emotional work or therapy!

 

Maybe a "what do the professionals say is the best way to properly work on stress and emotional management"

This is a tricky tightrope... .

Wednesday, I managed a happy day.  But as yesterday and this afternoon wears on, I just feel down.  Part of it may be illness with a cold, but I think most of it is emotional.  Like the trauma from Monday starting to sink in. 

It doesn't help that I see her going on like Monday was no big deal.  "One of her episodes" she says.  And she is back to talking about marriage and having a child, and looking for a job again... .  All the same topics that led up to me calling the police Monday night.  Some how, I need to bring it up to her in a-non invalidating way that I think it would be best if she just took time now and not worked, and instead focused on herself so that she can handle the stress of having a job and having a child (I don't want to tell her yet that after Monday, I have SERIOUS reservations about having a child with her - she's still way too unstable, and I really need time to think).  We have a T appointment Monday, so maybe that will help.  And we also have one of her friends staying with us for awhile, so at least she won't be home alone during the day.

I really think what I need is some alone time or time with my friends this weekend.  Does anyone else experience this?  The horror and adrenaline of dealing with a rage, the calming down, the acceptance and detachment, and then some kind of depression?  Even though Monday she said the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me, I don't really feel hurt by it because it was all pure nonsense.  That kinda scares me.  Am I numb?  Am I some how blocking this out because it was a traumatic experience, and it will come back to haunt me later?  I guess I feel more just disappointed and sad that she would talk to me like that than I am hurt by the actual words. 

This truly is a horrible disorder.  I'm looking over the DSM criteria and the word "pervasive" caught my eye.  And looking over the 9 items once again, she clearly and strongly meets all 9.  I realize that some amount of understanding and acceptance will always be required on our end - and that is truly sad that the pwBPD will never know a truly balanced relationship.

Max,

This is normal for it to "hit you" later... once your mind and body know you have survived.

Most of the time after serious aircraft emergency you would get out of plan feeling confident... .looking like a hero.  Maybe later that night... .when alone and trying to go to sleep the impact of it would hit you.

Focus on the facts... .you survived... .she is in a better place... .you are more determined.

My advice:  Skip talking about a kid... .but don't be shy about pushing for her to step up treatment... majorly.

I've come to realize that I always react emotionnally 3 days later. I don't have an explanation, maybe it's the reverse and that's when I can start to look at things more clearly and I feel down.

Anyway, when I've had to deal with rage, histeria, paranoia, etc. I've mostly reacted TOO KIND, and it's only a few days later that I tell myself "I should have walked away/refused this and that etc"

I feel numb too at this stage.

When we went to MC 3 weeks ago, he kept saying (he means it apparently  ) that he was forced in everything (I forced as friends to go to places/I forced him into a r/s with me/I forced him into living together/I even forced him to have a baby... .). I guess it's as absurd as you forcing her to get married... .

At the time, I was chocked I guess, I didn't react much.

And then later, thinking of it, although it didn't make any sense (he's the one who talked about love first, who drove 1000km to come and live with me, really happy when he learnt I was pregnant etc), I felt sad.

Not that I believe ANY of it, but that he can believe this today.

Indyan.

Your last line.

"Not that I believe ANY of it, but that he can believe this today."

I hear you. Been there.Am there.

THIS ... .is really what astounds and deeply hurts.

All I can say is... .I REALLY understand.

You WANT him to love you. You WANT him to WANT you.

Your future. All you have planned.

Look at it this way. Lets pick a COMPLETELY implausible and far fetched (crazy) premise... .

Lets say he came home one day and said to you... .

"I KNOW you are a bank robber by day. ANd you have been robbing banks because secretly you are addicted and using heroin"... .

And for THOSE reasons... .I just CAN"t love you... .be with you... .want you.

You would first be RATTLED that he is saying those things.

You would be RATTLED because they are SO PREPOSTEROUS.

You would be SHOCKED that he even THOUGHT these things.

BUT... .it would REALLY scare you ... .if he TRULY believed this stuff.

Because ... .if he DID... .he would not want you. NOT want to be with you.

Now of course the stuff he is saying is not THAT far fetched on balance... .but get this... .TO YOU it is.

Having a child... .beign together ... etc...

Are BIG and SERIOUS things.

To have the story rewritten and he begin to seemingly BELIEVE the rewritten and WRONG story... .is HIGHLY unsettling.

But ... .I have read /learned that this is part of the BPD disorder.

You will find LOTS of posts of non;s telling the same story.

But as one who has and still goes thru this.

Take it from me.

You NEED to come to peace with it. You have to let go of the fear. You have to understand that you CANNOT change his mind on ANY distorted thoughts he might have.

IF he wakes up one day and TRULY believes you are a bank robber/drug addict... .

AND that is what he leaves... .

STEP BACK... .WAY BACK... .and try to see that YEARS FROM NOW... .

You will be saying ... .WOW... .what a mistake HE made.

AND wow... ho ill lhe must have been.

Look ... .none of us who want to save our marriage wants a CRAZY based decision to be the thing that does it. I GET that.

But... .think of this for a minute... .

IF they have the CAPACITY ... .or are in a place to actually BELIEVE this kind of of crazy... .?

WHat does that mean OVERALL?

well, actually, I don't know.

I keep wondering of what it means and I can't answer that question.

Does it mean he didn't love me truly?

That I loved him more than he loved me? (my mum just told me that on the phone, thanks mum)

That his love is like the weather and changes with the seasons?

That I can't (re)build a relationship on something that fragile?

One thingfor sure is that I WILL NOT REBUILD without him saying LOUD AND CLEAR that he didn't mean all that crap and say that he WANTS US together. It won't be from my decision only.

Ah, and he said that the first time he left for about a week (just before I got pregnant), he shouldn't have come back... .

It is horrible, the sentence itself is horrid. But I must have gotten used to all this as it doesn't hurt that much anymore.

When it's TOO BIG, it just doesn't make any sense anymore.

I already try to do that today. I keep telling myself that he's losing more than I am.

He's alone, far from his child (and also my D10 whom he likes very much and myself). He's "planning" to get his own appartment in an ugly city that is convenient for transport. He's destroyed the idea of family he cherished so much.

Not that my like is easy, but I've got my kids with me.