BPDFamily.com

BPD/STPD and I are not married, although he proposed and we have a baby.

A short while before his last crisis, I heard him discuss the style of "Mama's wedding dress" with my D10.

I told him many times that I didn't need wedding vows to love sincerely. My idea of love is unconditional, which of course does not imply at the expense of my own safety and sanity.

Anyway, after a few weeks where he wasn't well but kept telling me how much he loved me and that "none of this was my fault", in July he started hating me/rejecting me on and off, and then continuously since September.

In July after a paranoia fit and despair, he mentioned "going to hospital in September" (why September IDK). Knowing that his obsession/paranoia already evolved around "me taking his baby from him", I told him that "even if he was ill, I'd do everything I could for him to see his baby." And I really meant it.

In August he remembered loving me for 2-3 days. At that point he said clearly: "I feel extremely guilty when I see all what I've destroyed. The real me is not that violent guy, it's the good one. I know I'm not well, I need help. I'm willing to see a therapist. I love you and will always love you, and I want what's best for the kids."

Today, I try to hang on to my "promises" and I know that people around me don't understand it.

I've kept helping (finding the right therapist, getting BPD to seek help via the therapist) ; I arrange for him to see his baby and mainly, I try to keep hope in my heart.

I don't doubt he used to love me deeply, that we loved each other deeply. As the therapist told me "he's turned against the person who was the closest to him, and this person was you".

But it hurts, and I feel betrayed. His state is extremely painful to watch for D10 and myself, as his attitude is very cold (STPD effect).

I just wanted to know if you feel the same as I do and how you're coping.

I feel I can relate with my experience with my dBPDw.

When she loves me, she loves me with all her heart.  She will do anything for me.  She is sorry for all the pain she has caused.  She wants to fix everything and make it all better.  She has always lived me and always will.

When she stops loving me, she resents me with all her heart.  She will do anything to destroy me and the kids. She "knows" that everything is really all my fault and refuses to take the blame for anything anymore. She is not interested in fixing anything.  She knows that she has never loved me and never will because every moment with me has been a tortuous hell.

Then a couple hours go by and she lobes me again.

I have come to realize that her entire reality, including facts, promises, commitments, is dictated completely by how she is feeling at the present moment.

Oh God yes. At MC 3 weeks ago, he explained in length how forced he'd been into our r/s for everything. It was very painful to hear, even I know it is not true, for he was more often than not more enthousiastic than I was in the beginning, as I was just separating from a 10 yr r/s.