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I think I'm doing the right thing... .but... want someone (or a lot) looking over my shoulder...

So... my wife sees this other lady post a picture of a small snake in her basement.  Something on facebook about her being scared. 

My wife later bumps into her at school and they talk.  Snake lady says that she asked "minister man" (our minister... all in same church) for help getting rid of snake.  Minister man couldn't help but said he would call me to go help get rid of snake.

So... wife texts me and asks if I have heard from minister man.  I text back no... .and go on my merry way... .having no idea what is going on. 

Later... .in a car... .she asks again if I have heard from minister man.  Simple answer... .no... .it's been a week or two.  She the relays the story to me.  And demands that I explain to her why snake lady would say that if minister man didn't call me.  She reaffirmed that she believes me and that there was no call.

"I don't know... ." was my answer.  She asked again... was wanting to know why I didn't know... and I explained that it would be speculation on my part. 

She asked if I wanted to find out... ."no... .not really... .I have a hard enough time keeping up with myself and why I do things... ." was my answer... trying to keep it light hearted.

This seemed to suffice for then... .but it came up in MC yesterday... and dominated.  Counselor was trying to talk her down... she didn't fully dysregulate... .but she was telling the counselor what the counselor thought... .what I thought... .that I knew what she wanted me to say but somehow was not saying it only to piss her off. 

Finally at end of the session we agreed on wording that what snake lady said was weird and confusing... .but I bucked up at saying that lady was lying... .so then... .round and round we went again that "must" mean I think my wife is a liar.

Finally got that calmed down and session was over.

Last night... .yep... .you guessed it... .came up again.  Couple almost storm outs of the room as I tried to avoid invalidating... .some validation here and there... and kept repeating my truth about what I believed. 

It sort of burnt itself out... .she acted liked she forgot about it... we had a nice snuggle and went to sleep.

Good news... .I wasn't triggered at all.  Sort of a bemused spectator...

She seems amazed that I won't go confront this woman... .and says it is not her place to go confront her. 

Any others with stories of how they handled demands to investigate whacky stories... .

formflier, you are doing great. |iiii

I think you are 1) taking to heart and practicing the same great advice you are sharing with other members here; 2) declining to "investigate" or involve others in investigations; 3) allowing your wife to take action if she so wishes; 4) and bringing the questions to marriage counseling for discussion.

That you can feel a bit "nonchalant" about paranoia is an achievement, in my book.

ADDED: And you can never go wrong by agreeing that something/anything is "weird and confusing."

And the weird thing is... .that at the end of the conversation last night... .when she asked me what we were talking about... .and I replied I had no idea... and she replied she had no idea... .I think she really thought and believed that from the bottom of her heart...

Then we snuggled.

I struggle to explain to her "why" i don't investigate conversations that I was not involved in.

Anyone want to help me with some word tracks.

My attempts so far have resulted in her coming back with ... ."so you think I'm lying"... .when I was making a general policy statement... .

Is there anyway to craft the statement that makes it harder for her to claim I think she is lying... .or the other person is lying.

To me... .lying and mistaken... and confused are hugely different things... .

I would have to know the truth... .to be able to say someone is lying...

This isn't a wacky claim to be investigated but the most recent maddening thing was when my husband applied for a job at my place of employment. He got an interview and they never called him. Ever day, he would speculate about why he had not heard from them. Every time I went to work, he would pester me about whether or not I had heard anything. He would sit and dream up all sorts of "what ifs". I tried to validate and provide logical reasons like, "You know how some places are. They take forever." This went on for almost every day for close to two months. All my boss would tell me is that my husband had a good interview and that he was not at liberty to give any more information.

At one point, my husband pestered me so much that I recommended that HE call them and find out where they were in the process. It was completely crazy. All I could do was stick to answers like, "That would be unprofessional for me or my boss to talk about this." I did a lot of validating and said "I don't know." or "I'm not sure." quite a bit.

I know that I have run into those crazy making whacky stories a time or two with my family of origin. I usually try to stay out of it unless it is something that is really, really important.

Otherwise, I try to say things like, "What reason do I have to disbelieve you?"

"I don't know the other person well enough to make any claims about her veracity."

In your case, perhaps you could offer something like, "Maybe the minister found somebody else that was available to handle the situation." Stuff like that happens with my FOO quite a bit. Somebody will say that they are going to call somebody else but then never follow through. It is usually for an innocent reason like they found a solution that did not involve me or the situation resolved itself. The lady may have seen the snake, panicked and started calling people but then the snake could have slithered off and couldn't be found again. Speculating with them can create a whole other set of issues so I know not to do it unless I can find a way to do it without inadvertantly opening another can of worms. My husband will get very, very fixated on things and won't let them go no matter what responses I try to give.


It sounds like you are doing great with this! 

I like this... .