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I started getting more and more unhealthy during mt r/s with my xBPDbf.

- I was getting sleep deprived

- I was having a drink more often to 'calm my nerves' (I even rarely drink social, let alone to calm down)

- But most of all; i was feeling anxious all the time. I had this feeling that he could abandon the relationship any moment if i would say/do something that was not what he wanted to hear/see and that if i wasn't there the minute he needed me he would replace me. I felt like i had to be on call 24/7 at his service. The anxiety was killing me.

Any others felt like that?

Felt lime that all the time. If I was out with friends I know  I would come home to a wrath of crap... .accusations of cheating and what not. I always tried about being replaced. I remember her phone would beep and I would think who is that. She would say it was no one but as time went on I learned she always had a back up. The anxiety when we were together was tough and during detaching it is tough too.

Yep the constant living on edge, the constant threath of yet another rage, the constant unsafe feeling kept my stress levels really high for 2 years. I've had anxiety attacks, racing heart, fainting, headaches, fatique, etc. I ended up with a burn out. 2,5 month past break up and almost all symptoms are gone. NC is a big help!

I can totally relate!  About 6 mths in to our r/s I got quite ill.  I thought it was due to stress but since I had been under huge stress when I met him I just chalked it up to everything.  I slowly got better but in the process I started having a chronic stomach ache.  Went through a battery of tests and found nothing.  I literally had a stomach ache for 2 yrs!  Then I started having a nervous tic in my belly.  I've had them before, they usually come and go, not lasting more than a few weeks... .Well 2 yrs later I still have it!  It drives me bonkers but is a constant reminder why I HAD to get out of the r/s!  I am hoping with time it'll settle down, I definitely think I'm dealing with some PTSD. 

i couldn't have said it better myself!


same! my ex's phone was constantly buzzing with text messages. he always kept it face down so i couldn't see the screen.

i also had a terrible onset of acne the last few months of my r/s. being under a constant fear of attack - his rages or being harassed by his mother or cyber bullied by his ex - really increased my stress levels. i felt like i was constantly living in fear, always looking over my shoulder.

i'm currently 31 days NC and my acne has completely cleared up. it's amazing the way stress manifests itself.

1st year was good, but lived with the constant threat of treat me special or lose me threats. Also the bimonthly come to jesus meetings of what i was doing wrong. Felt anxious, felt ashamed and guilty. Then i was slowly being painted black. Got to the point I would get nervous when i heard her ring tone. Her texts became less, where she would always say good morning first, slowly she deviated from it. It was a mental hell. I took care of her with her BS fibromyalgia and emergency xanax runs, her adhd, but when I was sick or injured i was made fun of and called old. Still get anxiety about it.

1. Stress and lack of concentration

2. Anxiety

3. FOG

4. 2 years in Depression. Missed 2-1/2 months of work. Wanted to be done with life.

5. Paranoid. Followed her towards the end

6. I became her the last 6 months

7. Part of me died inside

8. Self esteem went from super high before we dated to almost none at all

9. I became afraid of making decisions

10. I was convinced to abandon my friends, family and almost my children.

11. Desperate, needy and pathetic

12.  I became angry and wanted to destroy her reputation right after we ended.

13.  I wanted revenge almost at any cost after it ended.

14.  When we went NC my concentration totally returned, but I was inhumanly sad and grieving

15. FOG lifted largely around 1st month and I became aware of how depressed I truly was.

16. Realized how attached to her I was. Definitely trauma bonding/PTSD I am sure to some degree.

17.  Emotional. Cried a lot for first 6 months of NC. Movies, TV shows would make me cry!

18.  My guilt about considering dating other women lifted at around month 8 of NC

19  Today at month 13 I am recovering well but still get triggered.  I still don't see myself ever dating again but I do have moments that make me realize this will change :) Still a part of me is missing.  

20. I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Yes 2014. I wasn't sleeping. I was drinking too much. I was extremely anxious. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Walking on the proverbial eggshells. Running myself ragged trying to meet his every need. Be there for him constantly, in every way. Guess why he dumped me for the second time In?  Because I was a "selfish b___".

Yep, problems sleeping. Lots of anxiety. Lots of fear of saying and doing the wrong thing. Stomach troubles from hell. Becoming somebody that I do not even recognize. Still with him but am working on trying to figure out how to detach and leave. I see a lot of the same symptoms in my kids, especially the anxiety.

Day 20 NC for me. I received a text from her yesterday.  It is amazing as soon as I saw that number my anxiety and stress level shot through the roof. Today I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from trying to wrap my brain around why she would text me.  She has her new supply or at least that is what she is telling everyone.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I know I will never understand it. I just know when I was with her I was depressed anxious and a mess and now detaching from her I am depressed anxious and a mess. I am hoping to find that person I was before this mess once again... .and hopefully this time I am a little smarter about who I let into my life.

My hair started falling out in a particular spot on the side of my head! I put it down to some medication I was on, so I stopped, but it happened again later, it had never happened before in my life, and never since. I didn't think someone could actually make your hair fall out.

Yep and also the constant anxiety, towards the end of relationship I reckon I was acting like someone would to the person that captured and imprisoned them. I was quiet when she came in, made sure to smile, tip toed around her, constantly watching her behaviour, and worrying what I might do to set her off.

I realized that also. Since this is an attachment disorder. Are these people as attached to us a much as we are to them? Even though they repress it and act like they don't want us anymore. I would think that they are attached to us as much as we are to them. I would think that with each subsequent replacement that they would get worse and worse from repressing the intense feelings that we nons actually have to process. All of the years of losing attachments has to eventually catch up with them somehow down the road.

If my ex called I really think I'd have an heart attack. And if I met her I would faint right there on the spot. :) She's on a vacation not so far from me right now, it stresses me out so badly. I felt sick when i realized she was "nearby" (on the same continent :)). It made her into a real person again, and I both fear and hope she will show up here.

During the RS I was so anxious. Always afraid it could end any minute or that she would commit suicide. So I became more and more passive. Afraid to do the wrong things. At one point I got temporary burned out to the point where my mom moved in with me for a week because I couldn't do the most basic things.

Sleep deprivation to the point of getting 90 minutes to 2 hours per night was pretty standard

Lost weight to the point that at the start of the RS I was slightly chubby and I went down to being quite underweight and visable ribs and no clothes fit anymore

Stress so bad that I almost lost my job and damaged my reputation that will take months to recover

Concentration on anything apart from her being completely shot.  

Depression and anxiety

Eventual nervous breakdown and ptsd symptoms and ended up in counselling

Pushed away basically all my friends and family

She did a pretty good job of demolishing me inside of 6 months.  

I started becoming consumed by anxiety. I'd have a sinking feeling in my stomach sometimes just coming home and I'd remember taking a deep breath often before walking through the door. God, what BS I had to go through... .in my own home.

I remember a specific instance where I got quite sick with the flu... .it took me substantially longer to recover because I was so run down, but I remember a particular day when I felt really bad and my ex slammed me while I was down... .she didn't give a s**t about the fact that I was really sick, it was all about her feelings. When I look back it was very common for her to slam me while I was down or at my weakest.

Strangely as I write this I realise I'm actually having quite a tough day, I miss her immensely today even though I recall all the crazy s**t I went through. I really do miss the good in her, and there was a lot of good underneath the sickness.

But yes, whenever I've received messages/emails from her recently I've had such a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, it is really unhealthy. I've now blocked her everywhere... .I'm healing and trying to get on with my life.

Yes! I'm finally getting real with myself now that I'm planning to leave and have realized how badly I have let this relationship affect my health.

-I stopped exercising regularly and gained about 40 pounds.

-I started drinking heavily and regularly. I'm now in AA and working on my sobriety.

-Sleep deprivation (this is getting better with sobriety)

-Anxiety like I have never experienced before in my entire life

-Tense/Always walking on eggshells

-Depressed for a few years after extreme manipulation and isolation from family and friends

-Stomach ulcers from stress

-Stopped going to the dentist or regular check ups

Granted, I have overcome almost all of those issues, and the ones that have not been attended to yet will be in the near future. Its just so crazy how physically devastating emotional abuse can be.

Wow! I can relate to so many of these side effects. My strongest memory was the racing heart at the thought of being slightly late for her or another text, migraines through lack of sleep from being woken up to comfort her in the middle of the night (tearful shaking episodes which could switch off in an instant), tight chest raising my voice higher which disappeared once I left, constantly kept in a mental spin and if I had an obvious free moment she would give me something to do and be cross if I was then making her late. I'm a quiet person but like to laugh and have fun. My opinions were ground down, too often saying the wrong thing, my suggestions declined abruptly and inexplicable raging on her part so I went very quiet and compliant which angered her even more as I was no longer taking the lead. Then the constant push/pull threats of breaking up left me anxious and confused.

Now 3 months clear she still sends me a thought for the day email every day to my work address, just a loaded quote, and I am able to share these with my friends and family which helps dissipate the feelings. I am left with a twitching right eye which I guess is stress related. It annoys me as she had this too and it reminds me of her.

I left the relationship after trying to understand a major gas lighting incident and she cannot accept it is over. Silence for a month and she is now sending emails to all my family and friends saying that I am depressed, don't know what I'm doing so to be aware of my change in character and that I might be suicidal. So anxiety and headaches continue but it feels good to be away from her despite the residue guilt of leaving.

I started drinking more very early in the relationship, and reached a fevor pitch to where I was drinking myself to passing out 5 nights a week by the end. Sleeped poorly, gained weight, always tired, not energy, diminished sex drive... all from depression

When we were together I had constant stomach issues ... things she would say... .feeling of egg shells... And after thebbreak up a month later I needed an emergency gall bladder removal ... almost died from blood loss... Since I've begun attempting to move on I find them more infrequent and even though I love and miss her that the more I learn and comunicate  with others I feel a Lil better ... also headaches irregular body temperature... I think I had developed Clair cognizance in which I just know things... like how the relationship would end ... .the fact there was someone else... .the fact she gave away the dog we adopted together the only thing that hasn't happened yet is the recycle attempt which although I'm not certain about I can sense coming at some point.I've heard it said that they do come back even if its to establish a backup or see where ur at... Long story short still have some digestive issues but as I am no longer driven mad By the developments. I do still think about her all the time but the urge to try and convince her it was me and agree with her demands has left which in my eyes represents small progress.

By the end of the RS

I was drinking myself till passing out 5x a week

Not sleeping well

Depressed... no motivation, energy or sex drive

I had some stress related eye twitch thing that was going on all the time

Anxiety

Over eating...   combined with drinking I gained about 30lbs in 2 months

Hi 2014.

I have never been the same since I met my fateful ex.  I still have trouble identifying what it is that has so changed inside of me, but something clearly has.  When she finally left, as she inevitably must, something died inside of me.  I am still laboring to put the pieces of my shattered life back together, but I am a permanently changed man.

I became consumed with her caretaking to the utter abandonment of all else.  I sacrificed myself trying to save her from herself.  I caused tremendous harm to my career, my finances, my other relationships in life, and above all myself.  The constant stress, anxiety, and fear involved in this effort destroyed my health and my sanity.  I offered myself up to her - everything that I had.  I gave her my total and absolute devotion hoping that my complete self sacrifice would buy her deliverance.  In the end, it wasn't enough, and it never could have been.

I have spent the past year descending into the blackest depression of my life.  I became hospitalized and had to take a lengthy medical leave from my job to begin to sift through the wreckage of my life.  I have never felt so defeated, so lonely, and so destroyed as I felt in the aftermath of her leaving.  I am still struggling to repair the catastrophic damage done in my vain attempt to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I have lost my belief in true love.  I have had to face the reality that love does not in fact conquer all.  That some problems have no solution.  I have had to accept that sometimes what appears to be love is not love at all, and that it can be extremely difficult to discern the two.  This has been bitter medicine and it has left me a far more cynical man.

-I gained a good 20 pounds during our relationship from the relentless stress

-I lost 30 pounds in the first few months after she left from the crushing depression and despair

-My blood pressure soared to dangerous new highs from the stress and I required new medication to control it.  I am still on these

-I was laid off from my job during our relationship and likely could have kept it if I had not had so many attendance issues in dealing with her constant crises.

-I spent all of my savings and went thousands and thousands of dollars into debt trying to get her the healthcare and psychiatric care she needed

-I was so addicted to being with her that I cut also everyone else out of my life

-I became paranoid and terrified of upsetting her and thus enduring another lengthy silent treatment even as I could see no reason or pattern in her behavior

-My mental health deteriorated badly in the relationship and I was on numerous new medications to try and keep functioning.  I was terrified of not being able to keep it together to be able to care for her.

-I had a a full blown psychiatric episode after our breakup and my preexisting mental disorders have been severely worsened

-I have incurred thousands of dollars in treatment expenses trying to recover

-I have never been the same

I think having  parents with personality disorders sort of immunises you to much of the damage that can be done. It can make such a rs seem normal.  The real damage was post bu.  Mainly depression.  Seems to be lifting now. I still miss her every day.  Two months NC and I think she must be getting the message because I haven't had a text from her in almost three weeks.

Yeah I kind of agree.

When we were together she certainly would do and say things that I know were not acceptable and designed to hurt me,  but to be honest none of that stuff really got to me.

I have to be honest,  the night terrors she had were a bit of an issue but I didn't really care I just wished I could get some more sleep than I did. But that was the only real issue


The first 4-5 months we were together my general state actually improved,  I had a lot more energy and motivation. It was when she devalued me and sacked up with my replacement that got to me,  followed by not leaving me alone and the constant push pull "I want you but can't leave him".

I had weeks of that before I finally told her to leave me alone for good and then she went full retard.

That period of push pull was the worst time of my life. Just sat there waiting,  wondering,  confused.  Every time the phone rang or I heard a car outside thinking it was going to be her coming back.

Ruined me.

This was my situation exactly.  I could not figure out why she was still texting me while sleeping with my replacement.  My reasoning was telling me she must still have feelings for me and maybe I just pushed her into replacing me.  But of course I was just being kept on the back burner in case it failed with my replacement.  It is sickening to me to be devalued in such a way. But I am a fighter.  My old self is coming back.  She has no self to reclaim. 

Mr confused,  my thoughts were identical to you.

She kept saying that she still loved me and that we could rekindle in the future and my response was like no,  you need to decide me or him.

She of course blamed things that I had done as to why she had got with him, looking back I didn't do anything but at the time I was so depressed,  gaslit and suggestable that I actually thought I had done things wrong and that I had let her down,  and that just made me even worse.

I thought well yeah I must have pushed her into his arms.  But the constant "I miss you" and all of that made me think well she must still care,  she's just confused.

I asked her so many times to just tell me the truth because none of this makes any sense,  and then she would play the victim and cry and tell me she was so depressed etc.

God it was awful. Never again.

During the relationship I had huge anxiety, watched what I said, depression, and suppressed so much anger it started to spill out onto other people. When she was depressed I was depressed. And one of the strangest things happened too, I don't know if this happened with other people. But I became desensitized to her crying and pain. Like she cried so much and so often I stopped caring and only acted like I did just because it seemed like the right thing to do and I know she needed me to be there for her. But it got to the point where I would completely fake my caring about her pain and crying, and wouldn't try as hard to make her feel better.

Even when she moved in with me and everything was working out perfectly I had such anxiety. Physcial symptoms were headaches, loss of appetite, and I had a panic attack once or twice. Looking back on it I can't believe how dysfunctional it all was.

I didn't realise it at the time, but I was a complete mess when I was with my xBPDh.

I put on a lot of weight, I dressed like I was 20 years older than I am, I was scruffy and sometimes didn't even brush my hair for days.  I think I may have been depressed.  I was emotional and suffered from mood swings.  I was always tired and irritable.  I always ached and had headaches.  During the 8 years I was living with him I had surgery twice.  On the whole, I felt very negatively about life.

Now, I have lost the excess weight.  I am happy and positive most of the time.  I sleep well and feel relaxed.  I look years younger than my actual age.  I have smartened up dramatically.  I wear the clothes I want to wear and look much better.  I feel well all the time and haven't so much as had a cold since he left!

Coincidence?  I don't think so.

No time for a full reply as I am on my phone waiting to start work (ill have to run when the boss gets here) but yes to all of the above.

Driving around and around the block to avoid coming home to face whatever his current mood might be. Extreme anxiety over his constantly breaking up work me. Frustration with his disrespect. Lost my job)s) and almost my Lisence to practice due to sleep deprivation and stress causing me to make REALLY serious mistakes at work. Getting text bombed at work with huge attacking texts didn't help.

Lost marks at school when he picked fights eight before class or kept me on the phone all day when I was supposed to be studying or kept me sleep deprived. He seemed to be able to pick a fight the night before a big exam consistently. Gained and lost and gained weight. Still working on losing the weight. Stopped working out. Felt like crap all the time. Money woes from helping him when he needed me but despite his "words" no reciprocation. When I need his help. He has a tendency to buy toys and trips over paying bills. He also has little concept of how much life costs.

Stress from never being able to plan anything. No ability to being up the future or plan for school or work or anything.  He went from "if you need to

Move for school ill be right there beside you" to "if you have to move I'm not

Coming". purting every tom dick and Harry ahead of me. Not being able to count on him for anything. Always feeling like I had to check everything he did or said to find out if it was true. The orbiting women. Yuck. What a bunch of losers.  Constant anxiety. CONSTANT! In fact I'm felling it right now.

Wow had no idea how upset writing all that would make me. I miss him. I love him. But I'll be damned if I EVER tolerate being whittled away at to that degree again. I am not perfect. In fact I had a few BPD traits myself. Working with a psychologist on that right now. But I am wonderful. I work hard live hard am honest and kind and caring. I am creative and capable and hilarious. I am smart and determined ad beautiful. Even with the extra weight. So anyone who wants to hang with me had damn well better appreciate me.

He said something interesting one of the last times we spoke. Something along the lines of "we wouldn't even be talking if thins were going so well with the men you are dating". Of course I don't have the right comeback but now I see how BPD that statement is. As in if I wasn't getting what I needed from some own else I would consider him again. Nope. I'd rather be alone than treated less than I deserve again. Whew. Didn't say it to him but at least I managed to express it here.  Thanks all.


Hmmmmm I must still be quite the mess. I just realized I am sitting outside the office waiting. For it to open and In reality I showed up an hour early. Lol. Oh well time to get a coffee and relax I guess. See even 6 months out I am still reeling from the damage. I feel like I've lost 50 IQ points.

Wow, I can so relate to all of this.

Growing up with my NPD Dad I was a nervous wreck.  I was depressed and forth.  He pushed me into every sport there was, plus, I had to be the best player on the team for every sport.  I was also expected to work and maintain great grades.  It was too much for a kid.  I was exhausted all of the time.  I was suicidal.  I started self-medicating by skipping school and drinking.

When I told him how tired I was, he would simply say, "you don't do anything.  You have no reason to be tired."

He would belittle my appearance.  He would belittle my strength.  He would belittle all of my efforts.  I just couldn't win.

I used to hope that I would sustain a serious injury so I could get a break.

I had no say in anything.

Fast forward to my marriage, all of my efforts to provide for us were belittled. 

I found myself being sleep deprived due to her constantly waking me up and the hours that I worked.

I was depressed.

I was lonely.

My finances have been depleted due to her spending.

I started having anxiety issues.

I received little or no physical contact from her which left my body feeling drained.

I was exhausted all of the time.

I ended up losing my friends.

I drank regularly to self-medicate.

I think that covers it.

Wow Cosmo

This could have been written by me. Almost identical especially the "part of me has died" and being cynical. Luckily I didn't go into debt over her. I was aware early on that we had no future even though I wanted it so I refused to spend large amounts of money on her very often. Also, my depression came during the last year of the relationship and not after.

Pretty much everything else you have written describes my relationship.

If ever you start doubting things just read through some of their forums.  They really are messed up people.  I was reading one thread and this lady was going on about the need to practise sexual ethics in the context of a relationship with a non but then proceeded to justify how these ethics can be modified when at a sex party.  Walk away. Run away

I read all of these replies and I think yep that's me... .oh forgot about that!  I gained so much weight, stopped working out, was just a slug.  All she wanted to do was sit around the house. I didn't want to upset her or risk a rage so I just sat around the house. Everything revolved around her moods... .It was exhausting.

The biggest piece that stands out for me now is my friends tell me that my body language would change as soon as she walked into the room. I went from someone open and happy to closed up and depressed. They said they hated seeing me like that.

yes! I changed my body langue too. Especially the way I acted. My exBPDgf would sometimes snap or embarrass me in from of my family or friends. Or she would just act erratic, or something crazy. I would get really quiet and watch EVERYTHING I said if she came into the room.

Me three! :)

I had to adopt some sort of fake persona just to deal with her, I was constantly on edge and worried about she'd do. My friends told me also that I just wasn't myself when she was around.

Its good to know we all got hit with the same poison and that there is nothing wrong with us, we are free.

Free from her prison, but transferred to my own prison, lol... .

Ditto and ditto! I'll never forget I was at a family barbecue and my oldest sister pulled aside to talk to me about my wife and how we were doing. She asked if I was okay and why I had gotten so quiet over the years. My sister said she felt uncomfortable being around me because I never said anything when my wife was around. And she was right. Being with my uBPDwife in the first half of our relationship was like having an invisible cop around constantly read my Miranda Rights, "Anything you say can and will be held against you... ."

Haha totally!

Its like you have to put on a show, and be squeaky clean, and just walk around like a doll whilst they show you off.

I remember down in Chicago and we met some folks for drinks and she got tipsy, and started talking at the top of her lungs. I made a joke "can you say it a little louder? The folks over there didnt hear!". I caught hell for that in the hotel, complete histrionics, yelling... .I shut down. Barely spoke to her until later in the evening. Got yelled at for leaving her with out telling her i was going to the bathroom. Yikes... .what an idiot I was.

I had all that kind of behaviour too, raging at me in public for the most innocuous things, you have no choice, you have to shut your personality down, you have to become this little grain of the person you used to be just to stop the wrath of god from destroying every situation. Smile, watch meticulously, and be very careful about what you say and how you behave.

I noticed on my replacements facebook wall all of his mates are basically wondering what the hell has happened to him. One of them wrote "If you turn up around 12/1 then a good deal of people will be ___ed and will lovingly stroke and hug you, instead of the yelling and accusations that you could expect to receive on a normal day."

So he is getting the wrath now, I heard from a mutual friend that the police were called to their house because the raging was so loud and a neighbour was worried that something seriously bad was going down.

My God, I was in the same boat.  I felt like I was, still am, under a microscope when I am with her.

Meanwhile, she can talk about "blow jobs" (although I never got any after we had kids) to everyone and other sordid talk.

Just got a text from her oldest son wondering if I had returned the engagement ring... .What the heck is heading my way... .(if your wondering,  as he is the oldest, I asked him for permission to take his moms hand in marriage, got dumped before I could ask her though).

I never got one in the whole 3 years, period. What a selfish a$$hole she was.

1 in the whole 16 months. Took care of her though...

Yeah, me too. The thought that she was cheating on me makes me sick to my stomach. Damn, I want to cuss her out so bad right now.

Mine didnt cheat. Just hated doing it. Bunch of BS. Always taking care of her in everything,  got nothing in return. Got a couple of shirts, whoopee,  but i wanted her to feel me. Ask how my day was, is everything ok, rub my back or neck, hold me and tell me everythings cool. Got nothing. Nothing. Always her chaos, always there for her. Always her issues, always her problems.

He asks how my day is but I know better than to say anything more than, "Fine." If I try to talk about my day, it seems inevitable that he will find a way to twist it into being about him.

The one thing that I have wanted most in the 16.5 years that we have been married is just to be held. Damn it, I am the woman. I am supposed to be able to be weak and break down from time to time. Nope, I don't think I have ever been able to show weakness. It has really messed with my mind.

I think that having been involved with a BPD waif, you can understand very much of what I mean.  It is something that perhaps only people like us can ever fully know.  I find that I still can't fully find the words to be able to express what I have been through and what has occurred inside of me.  There are things that I simply don't have any ability to properly translate.  It is a special kind of madness that we have suffered.  When reflecting on my relationship now it seems like some mad, fevered dream.  Perhaps you feel that too.

The abuse is so subtle with a waif and the poison delivered so gently.  There is no violence, no screaming, no warning.  It is astonishingly similar to addiction.  That is a metaphor that appears over and over and it is so true.  I was more addicted to her than anything I have ever known.  I still suffer the gnawing cravings of wanting her attention, her affection.  Even as I know it would destroy me.  Maybe even kill me.  Literally.  I gave up everything for the sake of my addiction.  I forsook all else.  I abandoned my friends, my career, my finances, even myself.  All that mattered was being with her.  Even as the relationship was choking off my life, I only wanted it even more desperately.  To desperately return to those warm, perfect beginnings.   This isn't love.  I can see that now.  And yet I can't fully explain to anyone how much it seemed like the truest of love.  How subtle the manipulation plays.  How sweet the poison tastes.

It is a long road to recover from this.  Indeed, like all addictions, it will likely be a lifelong road to recovery.  I am doing considerably better today that I was even just a few short weeks ago.  You, and all others like us, Waifed, have my deepest sympathy.  I wish you well in your healing and recovery.

So glad I am not the only one that experienced the lack of sexuality. I went above and beyond for her many times. In our whole 2.5 year relationshiph got a handful of Bj and maybe 3 Hj. She would start something than tell me to hurry and finish or say she was too tired. Excuses Excuses

in my short r/s with my dBPDexgf I lost a lot of weight, felt depressed, anxious and confused, was always on heightened alert, my self esteem plummeted, I became isolated from friends, lost all ambition... .

The thing is that I tried so hard to satisfy her sexually, but she was just like a corpse laying there. I did not even get 1 BJ in 3 years. The bad part is that I can't even count how many times I went down on her in 3 years. Now the thought that she was cheating on me and I was going down on her, makes me want to vomit in her face. It's just sick how someone could do that. Probably around a year before we broke up I started having performance issues. I guess sex with a zombie will do that to you.

Performance Issues! That was a huge problem for me. She even told me before she left that she was sexually unsatisfied I think it might have contributed to her leaving. I felt like I was having sex with a zombie, and it was all about her. It wasn't even making love it was just us humping trying to make her O. My mind wasn't in it at all towards the end, it was completely else where. I didn't even really feel that much of a connection to be honest. Whenever we would have sex sometimes she would cry and tell me how much she loved me in the beginning but than it slowly declined. It is hard to want to do sexual things for someone who doesn't give back even 25% of what you give.

Mine said as she was dumping me"you even blamed me for your sexual problems!"... .we never had any. Not sure where that came from... weird.

Survived sleep deprivation for about the first six months.

Then the anxiety started. The constant tense / butterfly gut. Became more and more pronounced before each time we were due to catch up. Got tensed muscles in my neck to the point where I thought maybe I was having a stroke / heart attack and realised it was just anxiety.

In the end I just had to ask myself, if this is what love is really supposed to feel like, then it must not be for me. I've had healthy relationships previously where I never had that anxiety, where I looked forward immensely to catching up. This was dread and fear and ultimately was not good for either of us.

Maybe someone can help me out here.  I have had trouble with my eyelids becoming red and swollen.  I have no itching or pain, it just looks bad.  I hate it!  I've been to 4 different doctors and they say it's allergies or sinus problems.  My eye doctor gave me an antibacterial ointment and said it was Blepharitis.

Well, nothing has helped it and it keeps getting worse.

I have been researching my situation a great deal and it appears that it could be rosacea.  Apparently stress is a trigger for rosacea.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame here.

After the first few times we had sex, I'd get the "hurry up and finish". Once, she just turned around and started watching TV for a show we could have paused and told me to hurry up before SHE missed who was going to be kicked off of a specific show.

I'd never felt SO LOW in my life. I felt like trash.

After the abuse got really bad I emotionally shut down, disassociated, depersonalized and was neurotic all of the time. The only feelings I've felt to any significant degree are anger, anxiety/fear and sorrow. Physically, I've had knots in my stomach and strained breathing for like 10 or so years. I've felt vacant and hopeless for so long, that it's hard to feel anything else. I struggle to emotionally take in the world and when I do, I feel very oppressed and overwhelmed. Also, the amount of self doubt I have is ridiculous, and I feel like I don't have a right to my own feelings, because she would constantly tell me how I should and shouldn't feel, and how everything I did was wrong.

I can completely relate. The BPDx wanted to be up till 1 or 2 am every night having sex. As great as that sounds, it's not ideal if you have to be up at 7am to get ready for work. I was defintley sleep deprived.

100% accurate about feeling anxious. Initially it was just the "walking on eggshells" feeling i had trying to watch what i said or did in order to avoid setting her off but as the crazy things she did progressed and the relationship deteriorated the feeling i felt was much more terror than anxious. She had me falsely arrested 4 times within the span of a few months and i lived in constant fear of getting another phone call from the police asking me turn myself in. I was also in constant fear of losing my job and everything else because of her lies.

To this day i'm a nervous wreck when i get a text from her (we have a child together so have to stay in contact). A part of me just automatically assumes she's up to no good.

The guys who had problems in the bedroom I can tell you something. .

I never been into this before but I myself was sexually activated at a young age I.e too young which left me with issues of my own. Although I've worked through them let's just say I'm a little more intense and sexual than most and I've never had any complaints.  In fact I was used as a human sex toy by my NPD ex for about a year... .

At the start I could put my BPD into like a dissociated state of pleasure but over time it waned with devaluation.

When she reidealized me and we recycled we had great sex.

It's nothing to do with you or your performance it's the disorder your fighting and cassinova himself couldn't overcome it

It'd be great when we recycled, but that last 2-3 times and then it was back to "hurry up and get off me". One time she even said, "Alright, let's go ahead and get this over with."

But when we were getting back together, oh it was on. How someone could go from jumping me one week to absolutely treating me like I was some sort of degenerate sex addict was beyond me. Now I know why.

I don't know Infern0. I think that I may have issues with whoever is next. I'm not sure of this, but I can see it happening. Like you, I've never had any complaints before. And uexBPD never really complained, but just the way she acted was so off putting. Having a partner that doesn't participate and just lays there gets old real quick. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see, hahaha

Mine used to tell me, "let's hurry up and get this over with."

Sometimes she was telling me to hurry up and finish right after I climbed on top and before I had penetration.

Sorry if too much info, but I never had sex before where I was trying to hurry up and climax.  lol

Good lord, I can't imagine how this would make you feel.  Talk about no empathy!  How hurtful! Was their need to 'hurry it up' bc of their past abuse?  Or do you think it was to devalue you?  I'm wondering if this is a woman BPD issue (or maybe nothing to do w/ BPD) bc my uBPDexh wanted it to go on and on for like 4 hrs!  Who has time for that?  I could never do enough to please him and God knows I tried. 

Just a few off the top of my head that I never experienced before.

1. lack of sleep

2. major anxiety

3. became a jealous person

4. became an distrusting person

5. stomach issues

6. frequent headaches

7. eating habits became poor

8. started to question my decision making on a daily basis

9. started drinking more alcohol to cope

10. started losing my hair for the first time in 45 years

There is a lot more... .

1. Tremendous anxiety

2. Excessive lack of sleep

3. Night sweats

4. Significant lower back pain

5. Serious weight loss

6. Hair loss

My relationship lasted 3 months. After 2 months I had severe sleeping disorder. I literally had nights without a minute of sleep. I was panicking. I had work days where I had to leave work because I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I got a prescription for an antidepressant that helped me a lot.

She told me a lot about her "abusive" ex-boyfriend who she labeled as bipolar. Apparently he had severe sleeping disorder for a long time as well which she blaimed on his "disorder". Oh my! I guess he was just with the wrong woman.

Actually I'm still worried about falling back into that sleeping disorder with my new girlfriend who has def. not BPD.

Anyone mentioned nightmares, yet? Dreams with characters from my childhood, being bullied and humiliated by them. Depression, anxiety.

Ray, I experienced the very same list.  And, I literally lost my hair.  My eyebrows. I had never experienced any of the things on our mutual list prior.  The loss of hair is beyond in indicating the stress and trauma endured.  Shocking another also experienced this.  8 mos NC later, my hair is now grow back well.

lol inferno it's funny you mention Casanova.  I looked that up myself and it's true to the leged of cassanova. He came across what seems like a pwBPD that just destroyed him and he basically never recovered from that and lost his libido. I remember in devaluing I lost all sexual interest in my ex I was just too hurt. I still feel to this day my libidos energy being consumed by my healing process

She was slowly breaking me down day by day. Th e anxiety was unreal for me. My stomach was always in knots and my heart would race. I had zero appetite and was losing weight. If i got 3-4 hours of sleep a night I would be lucky. I often would wake drenched in sweat in a total panic over money because she was sucking me dry. Finally at the end when she picked a fight with me over having kids I lost it and I attempted to take my life. She was in a rage and really tearing into me and even as I lay there with a knife she continued to take cheap shots and insult me. How awful

Great topic for a thread.  I could write a list a mile long (as some have already), but can say increased stress (particularly around friends & family) and associated weight gain would be the two biggest for me.

In the 3 months since she asked for a divorce, I've lost about 15lbs and feel as stress free as I have felt during my adult life (started dating her in college).  In fact, this weekend marked the first time I've spent with my extended family since she left, and, after heading home, I realized it was probably the most relaxing time I've spent with that group of people in a decade.  I was able to be myself and interact freely with everyone, all without that voice in the back of my mind worrying about what would trigger her.  It was a great feeling.  And one that I've missed.

In her defense on this, it was when the kids were around and we would sneak into the bedroom.  The thing was, we rarely had sex, about 2 to 4 times per year.  I used to try to get her to go on a date night and find someone to babysit.  She always refused.

I used to try to get her to go away for a weekend.  She never wanted to leave the kids.

So, instead of some romantic time together, we had to rush in and rush out, so to speak.

I always felt like she used the excuse of the kids to avoid me.

Later, she admitted that she "cast me aside for the kids."

WOW I got hair loss too, I mean how seriously stressed out must you be for your hair to fall out?

Why didn't I take it more seriously at the time?

What the heck>!> !>>! !P£$)%£)!"£!

Yeah my sexual self esteem has been destroyed by the relationship and also, I started losing my hair at like 20, 2 years after being with her, lol. Probably both insane amounts of anxiety and stress, along with genetics.

Hair thinning as well. I look at one of the 3 pictures(yes only 3, I meant that much to her) and notice in the 16 months together, my hair thinned out. Replacement won't have to worry about it. He's bald as fu*k except for a patch that goes around his head like a monk... .lol

What sad irony Bungenstien.  I could not relate my hair loss to my r/s either.

I am a woman who takes very good care of myself, which includes healthy skin and hair treatments, my entire adult life.

My hair fell out to the point that I had absolutely no eye brows or bangs and the little bit of hair I had left broke off.  My rather high end hair dresser, of over 20 yrs,  said she'd never seen anything like it. 

What incredible trauma we were enduring and just far beyond.

Wow that is intense, I'm so sorry, how long did it last?

I only had a patch fall out on the side of my head, she thought nothing of it, wasn't concerned at all.

1. Destroyed self-esteem/self-confidence:

   -----> I would talk to people quickly and not make eye contact. Was never like this before.

2. Tobacco addiction

   -----> Went from a cigarette here and there to an all-out smoker. I have quit since the breakup!  |iiii

3. Weight gain

   -----> No motivation to work out or take care of myself, horrible eating habits, and lots of alcohol. All to cope with the stress.

4. Alcohol abuse

   -----> I enjoy a good night out but my drinking became problematic in the relationship.  I have gone from drinking in excess every night to only having 3-4 drinks each Saturday.  |iiii

5. Depersonalization

   -----> I was just "out of it" all day. I would come home from work and not know what I did all day.  Living in a literal fog (and the acronym!).

6. Started walking on eggshells with nons

   -----> Went on a date with a healthy (non) girl during one of the breakups.  We were chatting and I said, "My ex and I (referring to my "real" ex, not my BPDex)... ." I was instantly terrorized waiting for a blowup.  My date responded, "Nice that sounds fun," and the conversation continued normally and we had a fun date.

7. Lack of restful sleep

   -----> Some nights insomnia, some nights fighting till 5am, and other nights I was in such an anxious state I would not feel rested at all and wake up with huge bags under my eyes.

8. AND THE BIG ONE... .THE KNOT. The frequent, constant, twisting, knot in my stomach.  That state of unease.  Just instinctively knowing something is not right.  I still get this from time to time (am out 1 month NC and have had many epiphanies and healthy improvements in my life, no desire WHATSOEVER to recycle) but it is less and less.  It seems that many members on here talk about "the knot". 

Still waiting to see about the sexual dysfunction.  I don't think performance will be a problem, but I would be so far beyond turned on and into it with her that I don't know if I will ever be there again.  But maybe that's okay because the downsides are not in any way, shape, or form worth the highs.


She still shows up in my dreams.  Childhood things come up too.  I've also had the "classic dream" where you are going about your normal day and then you realize you are naked.  I've read this indicates insecurity, vulnerability, and fear of exposure.  Sounds about right given this relationship.

But I accept all this, and that it is a progress.  I am choosing to take the steps to live a happy life, and as the above list shows, I am making clear progress in that direction.  Eating healthy, hitting the gym 4-5x/week and I am already down 10lbs (only gained about 15 in the relationship; I'm surprised it wasn't 50.  My only explanation is the frequent, intense sex.)


One last point about the sex.  I never got the "hurry up" from her and she initiated it much more than I did.  She loved sex all day every day.  However, she told me it was "so hot" when I finished quickly (like 2 minutes).  Most females would be disappointed by this if they actually enjoyed the sex. (Research says 10 minutes is the "sweet spot" for a roll in the hay, not including foreplay.)  My reading has told me that even if a person enjoys sex (and is even a promiscuous person as she is), wanting it to be done quickly is a sign of likely sexual abuse as a child, as it goes back to a time they were in a situation they did not have control over and "just want it to be over".  I am nearly certain she was sexually abused as a child.

I went 45 years with really nice hair and when the stress of the relationahip hit my hair thinned in just three months... .I've tried everything to bring it back. Biotin, vitamins, etc... .Still not the same... I've accepted the fact that it will never be the same and it's my battle scars from her.  I can't believe how many posts there are on here about thinning hair.  Un f'in believable.

Thinning hair here too.

I think it has become a tiny bit better the last couple of weeks (at least that's what I like to believe lol)

I never want to be in a relationship again where my stress levels are so high. Damn, this thread made me remember what it felt like.

All the talk about other men stressed me out so badly. After a couple of months I was so anxious talking to her I had to eat Valium before our Skype talks. I was so afraid I'd say something that would either make her leave me or kill herself.

A few months later I had a nervous breakdown where my brain just shut off for 4 days to save it self.

And then on my last visit to her place I was constantly dizzy. Things were spinning. When I was alone I laughed and cried.

Yup, I was always on edge. Stress through the roof. Always trying to please her with diminishing appreciation until my discard. Although I was her only bf when we were together (almost fairly certain of that   ) she would cancel plans on me all the time, show up late, try to make last minute plans and get mad when I couldn't... .all to control me. It was the 'crazy-making' that led me to drink more, eat more, cheat when we had mini-break-ups, and more.  I felt like I was taking on the traits of a pwBPD. Since she left, I've been drinking more and dating a lot to numb the pain (dating sucks, nobody was like her). Bad you would say, but I get depressed when I'm home alone now.

6 months post break up now I am having nightmares and anxiety attacks. The joy of a BPD breakup continues.

The most pathetic part is I still miss and love him. I guess I always will. I wish I had known more about BPD before the split. Maybe it wouldn't have helped maybe it would have. Who knows. But at least I could have been kinder.

My hair started turning white at an accelerated rate (from a few white hairs to a full chin of whites and whites at my temples.)

My skin got scrubby, probably all the booze.

Drank a lot more than ever in my entire life.

I am still in the relationship and in the throws of hell but here is what I have experienced so far:

HIGH ANXIETY

HEART RACING and feeling like I am going to have a heart attack.

ANXIETY ATTACKS, mostly upon waking up to the reality of my crappy life and depleted finances. I have XANAX at the ready.

FEAR... .constant fear... .that we will stay together for years and then she will financially rape me.

DISASSOCIATION and feeling like I don't know what I am doing at times and what the true reality of the situation is.

THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE and feeling like my life just doesn't matter anymore and I wish I could just have an end to this pain (never mind that I have everything else going for me, great job, house, friends, people I love). I am not going to do anything about it. I have strong religious beliefs about that. Yet I feel that if I did die, I would be happier.

FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM like something bad is going to happen, not just in the relationship but in my life in general like having some major household repair or becoming too sick to work or other things that have no basis in fact presently.

WEIGHT GAIN and listlessness. And the feeling like I just can't move my body enough to work out. No energy.

SEXUAL DISINTEREST. I used to have a high sex drive. Now I honestly don't care if I ever have it. I do it to please her and to see if maybe that will bring us closer. Mostly I just feel empty.

RAPID AGING. I feel that I look older and feel older in the last three years. I mean rapid aging. I think I look like hell.

POOR EATING habits. I mean like I just don't care. Bring on the beef. It's like I don't care if my arteries get clogged anymore.

ENVYING OTHERS LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I always thought that I had it going on, that I was the shining star with the great life. Now it seems like wherever I go I look around and watch others and think that I wish that I was them. They seem happy. Especially when I see couples I think "they are so happy, I wish that could be me".

AND SO MUCH MORE... .

I just don't have the guts to get out of my situation yet.

It's not about 'guts' its about self-preservation man! 

Hi Michel .

Please , take a moment and breath , I don't know if she is still living with you or she left is she ?

Sending you a great big hug!  

I can really relate to your list, right down to not having the guts to get out yet. I used to have anxiety and fear but I could always talk myself out of it. I used to be so logical and rational. After 16.5 years of marriage, I feel paralyzed by fear and am trying to get back to a place where I can find it in me to leave or do something different.

She is still here.

I forgot to add:

STOMACH DISORDERS. I was recently diagnosed with a hiatal hernia. Stress related.

LACK OF GOOD SLEEP. She wakes me up all the time as she is a restless sleeper. I snore. Sometimes we sleep in separate beds just so we can get a good night's sleep.

I have read so many of your posts Vortex. I really feel for you. Suffering for 16.5 years I can understand your complete paralysis with fear. HUGS BACK!

Sorry Vortex. I mean, "YOU suffering for 16.5 years". I have only been in mine for 3.

micheal71

Breathe, you are ok. No matter what you are ok.

I miss mine but I couldn't live with him right now.

I admire you for being in the thick of it. One foot in front of the other. Take care of you. If you don't put your own oxygen mask on first you can't be of help to anyone else.

Hugs

michel71 google effects of trauma on the body. This is the effect of her verbal abuse and degrading. You NEVER going to live up to her expectations. So get out there. You are wrecking your health. Apart from going into a depression I started to develop a type of asthma. I lost all interest in sex and my work started to suffer as well.

Since I walked out I have made a full recovery. I am me again. I eat well, sleep well and really enjoy my work. I even got involved in a new business venture which I am really enjoying.

You got to get out of there, before you end up with permanent health issues.

Thanks all for your comments. I didn't mean to "hijack" the post here, but I really do appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement. I will continue to learn and grow and survive... .

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