BPDFamily.com

I'm new to this site.  I realize I need help myself on this, but in a more specific way.  Years of therapy, meditation and other tools have helped me overcome a lot of dysfunctional results of growing up with a BPD mom until I moved out in 8th grade, but my triggers are getting switched on repeatedly again as my youngest brother (mid 30's) has followed a self-destructive path and acting out in hurtful ways against me and other family members. His codependent destructive relationship with our mom is impacting the whole family.  For a while, we chalked it up to alcoholism, but I see now it's more the BPD of having been the "chosen" one of our mother, regardless of his mode of escape (alcohol, spending, rages). 

What I'm wrestling with now -- how do I let go of the habitual need for truth, for logic, for he or my mom to own up to their behaviors and self-reflect.  I know consciously it's crazy to expect any of that from either of them, but I still, at some level, am not "ok" until I feel like the truth is out and they have owned up to it.  Seeking honest self reflection from either of them is driving me crazy.  My method of coping has been to withdraw, which feels like abandonment in some ways, but I cannot have a healthy relationship with either of them, except on some superficial level of just "how are things."  It inevitably deteriorates though, as they are always in some crisis or another, self-created, and seeking help from the family to bail them out.  I need to learn to say no, without getting into it further.  Sorry if this is a bit rant-like, but I'm just in the thick of it, on the receiving end of a barrage of hateful, nonsensical emails.

Hello weez2424 *welcome*

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to our online family  Many of our members know what it's like to have a BPD parent and/or sibling and will definitely be able to relate to your story. I myself have an undiagnosed BPD mother and sister and know how frustrating this can be.


I understand why you're wrestling with this. Truly accepting this harsh reality isn't easy because it also means letting go of the fantasy or hope that they'll ever be the loving rational family members you always longed for. I have struggled with this too and still do sometimes. Do you feel like letting go of the fantasy/hope is also the thing you are struggling with?

What might help is to explore the concept of 'radical acceptance'. This doesn't refer to condoning their behavior but is about accepting reality as it is without a constant desire to reshape it. The following workshop and article might be insightful to you:

Workshop about Radical Acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0)

Article about Radical Acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0)

Radical acceptance basically consists of three parts:

1. Accepting that reality is what it is.  

2. Accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.  

3. Accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.

Hi, Weez!  *welcome*

I'm sending you a commiserating hug. That need for them to own up is so difficult to handle - because when it gets down to it, it's your feelings, which are actually not their responsibility. At first that feels like the most unfair thing in the world BUT at least it means that it's something that is in your power to control, something that you can heal in yourself, even if they never change.

It doesn't make it easier for me, but it's at least a little calming for me to tell myself, "Claudia, your outraged/wounded feelings are YOURS. That means your mom/mil have no control over them. They are yours and you get to choose what to do with them. You don't have to abide by anyone's rules on this."

Thank you both for the welcome and the replies.  I'll definitely check out the Radical Acceptance information.  I also agree that my expectations of truth, fairness, accountability are my own.  Its amazing how ingrained those ideas and needs can be, so as I consciously know I have control over letting go those expectations, rewiring my habits when interacting with them is taking a bit longer.  I'll check out the recommended readings for more tips on changing those patterns in myself.  Thanks again for the welcome.  It helps to know I'm not going crazy, just caught up in habitual reactions to a lifetime of these dysfunctional traits.

Sending you a great big hug! 

I am mainly dealing with my spouse but I also have a mother and sister that are off their rocker. Your post stuck out because I have been in your shoes. I figured out that one of the reasons that I wanted those things so bad is that my mother and my sister both preach about truth and fairness and accountability. They want to hold everybody else to those standards but they cannot do the same for themselves. Both of them are hell bent on making everybody else fess up, be accountable, tell the truth, or something. So, I have had those things pounded in my head for most of my life.

I finally got to a point where I am no contact with my sister and I will talk to my mom but I don't listen to a word she says. It also helps that my dad, my brother, and other sister have all validated the fact that my mother twists things. I no longer need them to do anything. With them, I know what is real and what is fantasy. One of the clinchers was when my sister showed up at my house after I asked her not to. She called the cops on me because I wouldn't let her in my house. And she was sending a bunch of crazy texts about stuff that made absolutely no sense. One of them said something like, "You and your army hiding."

Hang it there! This stuff takes time. The first step is to take off the blinders. Once my blinders came off and I realized what was going on, I lost the need to be right with them. I also lost the need to hold them accountable for anything. Somewhere along the way I was able to unplug and detach. Not sure how or when it happened but it is very possible to do.