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I've been examining a lot of issues within myself for a long time now.  I am starting to wonder how many people I have hurt since I have been in this relationship with BPD wife?

I know my parents and I have had issues, but, it seems like my wife's family always took priority over mine during the holidays.  I'm wondering if that caused my parents much hurt?  They have effectively driven off everyone else in their life, leaving only me to care for them.  So, the guilt is tremendous.

I have also been thinking about friends that I have lost touch with.  I had some great friendships during my lifetime that I let slide into nothing.

I know we can only do what we can do. 

Do you all have guilt and doubts over things like this?

I absolutely relate to everything you're going through. I'm in the exact same boat. Now that my marriage to my uBPDwife is coming to an end I'm just now seeing how much emotional wreckage I helped to cause by bowing down to her ridiculous demands. Her family too (when they were around before she isolated from most of them) always took precedence over mine. In fact, most times would I go on a well-in-advance planned trip to visit my family she always try to sabotage me last minute and if that didn't work she would incessantly harass me the whole time I was with them via phone and text message.

She only had one friend, which in hindsight should have been a major red flag, and had told me she lost all of her mutual friends when her and her ex split. I had a lot of friends when we first met and she weeded them all out very swiftly once we moved in together. Just in the last couple years I finally started reaching out to estranged friends and family, making very generous and sincere amends with them on the downlow from my wife. I'm glad that I did that because I really needed the support, especially considering we are on the verge of divorce now.

Yeah, it hurts and makes me feel a lot of shame and embarrassment when I think about how I allowed her to manipulate me into pushing people away. But there is nothing I can do except better myself and make amends. In my opinion, true friends are understanding and see an abusive relationship for what it is. It takes some work in the beginning but it gets easier with time. Just try not to beat yourself up over it and focus on doing the work you need to do in order to make things right again with those that you love.

I lost one long time friendship of a man who was kind of a father figure to me.

I also felt a little alienated from my mother, who never got along well with my uBPDx, though my mother being BPD (and also suffering from depression like my Ex) didn't help matters either. Now she is too old to drive the two hours to the city to spend time with her own grandchildren, and we don't get to visit her much. My Ex often treated my mom poorly, and I feel guilty for often choosing to appease both of them, and WoE even more when my mom came to stay with us now and then. My mom even felt WoE around my Ex, but to my mom's credit, she bit her tongue a lot to keep the peace for my sake.

Yes.  I know what you mean.

You can reconnect.  It is possible.  You have to be honest with your friends and family.  It was in part the BPD in your life (if like mine) driving a wedge between you and your family and friends (and making you pay if you maintained contact with them) and you for doing it.  Your friends and family, especially those who have been through hardships in life, can understand.

Mine did.

Agree, HardDaysNight.  It's definitely possible to repair relationships with friends and family, if you are honest with them and willing to make the effort to reach out.  They recognized that I was "not myself" in my marriage to my BPDxW, but they didn't necessarily know what to do about it.  Those who care are generally willing to forgive, if you give them the chance.

Lucky Jim

I had seven friends when my relationship started, I have two left. And those two people I'm sure I've hurt a lot. I've also hurt a lot of strangers or acquaintances at work. Because I became more narcissistic and self center and insecure, more emotionally distance, more neurotic, less human I'd say. Not to mention just staying home a lot more. My family relationships also got really bad, but I have repaired those a lot. And even the two friends I have left, my friendship with them is improving. It is possible to reconnect and repair, good luck!

agree.

how wonder how it goes? any updates?

Things are sort of complicated now.  I'm having a lot of job stress.  I'm trying to stay strong while I'm in this marriage and living the life of a sexless monk.  So, in reality, it was one miserable year career/marriage wise.

Now, as for friends and extended family... .

I've been reaching out to people I know more often just to have conversations.  That is going well.  I haven't contacted any of my old friends that I have lost touch with though.

My parents are a whole other story.  I feel a lot of guilt for having their emotional well being depend on me while I was growing up.  I feel like I failed them.  But, how can a kid be responsible for the well-being of his parents?

I feel tremendous guilt and resentment over all of this.

That being said, I still visit them.  I still take my dad places that he needs to go.

I have shouldered the burden.

Yes... .I have slowly lost contact with friends and family.  Not sure how much was just getting busy in life and how much of it is 'avoiding' conflict that would come up when I would talk on the phone with them.  I stopped talking on the phone with them when I am at home.  Too much stress. 

Hey All4BVM, I would guess that, if you're like me, the main reason you have lost contact w/family and friends is because you are avoiding the conflict that you describe.  You said it yourself: you no longer speak on the phone "at home" with these individuals because it's too stressful.  I was once in your shoes and, during that dark period, my office became the only place where I could communicate freely with the outside world.  If you think about it, though, it's absurd for an adult to have to hide that he/she has close friendships or family ties outside of the r/s with a pwBPD.  That's no way to go through life, in my view.

LuckyJim

Lucky Jim,

Thank you for your sharing.  You are spot on with your entire assessment (see bold).  I have the awareness ... .now the hard part I have been having is 'where to go now'.  What got you out of your dark days as you described above.  I would be interested to hear. 

Hey All4, In Greek myth, Theseus finds his way out of the labyrinth by following the "thread" that he unravelled on his way into the cave of the Minotaur.  In similar fashion, in order to emerge from the BPD cave, I would suggest, one needs to pick up the symbolic "thread" of one's life in order to get back on the right path.  Hope this makes sense.  LuckyJim

I know my father worried for me. He watched me become someone else, and although he never said anything I know it hurt him. Actually, I hurt him once over some stupid argument. It wasn't over her or anything trifling as that. But I myself became something of what one might call a ___-sandwich of a man by then, and I put my hands on him. He forgave me, we talked and settled the matter and he's still a loving father. I still regret ever having done it. I probably always will, it's one of those things, I suppose.

That was the long way of saying, "Yes, I definitely hurt someone while in a relationship with a PWBPD."

Sounds like we were married to the same person. Yikes!  My Xw separated me from everyone.

When my mother died.  Brother 40%, Sister 40%, me 20% - now, I know it's not my money, but the message I received was that my mother loved my siblings twice as much as me.  But my S24 (psyc major) told me, that my mother felt hurt and resentful.  It was about mom's feelings not my circumstance.  My mother detailed her will based on her POV not mine.  I have to work with that.  If people love you - they still will after all of this.  I've reconnected with some others reject me.  That's their issue not mine.

I have spent the entire morning trying to remember how it happened- how I slowly became isolated with no friends or family.  I used to think it was just me- that I was strange and aloof like my mother always said but I know now that there were many reasons that I isolated and all of them were related to my marriage.  It started out that when friends would invite us to a function my BPD husband would either not come ( leaving me clueless) or he would make sure we were always late or he would get very rude ugly toward me if I was talking to others and having a good time.  Anything happy and lighthearted seems to turn my husband into an angry monster.  Even worse, he loved making me stress.  He had control over me and I didn't even realize it until it was too late.  I isolated from my family for two reasons- one being that I simply could not handle anymore stress and dysfunction from my mother and the other reason was that I couldn't bear to have a family that would not understand what I was dealing with and dismiss my concerns, fears and say things that made me feel responsible or disrespectful of my husband.  My mother always dismissed my concerns and sided with my spouse against me.  FYI, my mother is also N with BPD. I was also ashamed to admit just how bad things were and I didn't want to have to lie to people.  Another reason I often avoided social functions was because I was just so emotionally exhausted that I reached a point where I could no longer fake being happy or conscious. 

I called an old dear friend this morning to ask for help.  I couldn't stop crying.  I apologized for suddenly burdening he and his wife with my problem but that I was in trouble, unable to pull myself up and out of here without help.  He was very kind.

Leaving, it was a huge step for you to reach out to a friend.  You should be very proud of yourself!

Here's a practical suggestion for you: When you are home, start taking walks alone. (Hmmm... .might work better in springtime)

Let your wife get used to the idea that you go outside for a while now and again.

Once you have that down... .take your cellphone with you on your walk, and call people sometimes when you do it.