BPDFamily.com

Has anyone experienced this situation? My dBPDh was in quite a tizzy yesterday because he felt slighted by my daughter. (Her friend's mom brought her a new shirt to school instead of her calling him and asking, to him that=a slap in the face)

Long story short, we didn't fight/argue right away, we were discussing this issue and another (I had a bad day at work, I made the mistake of talking about myself for 2-3 minutes), and he was jumping back and forth from what I would call "dysregulation" language, and "regulation language" IE in one breath, he would say he knows in his heart that he should listen to my issues more, and that in a caring, loving husband he should be the one I can talk to. (regulated) and 2 sentences later, he says I never have his back, and whenever he has an issue with the children I betray his confidence by telling them everything he said (complete fabrication, never happened. Dysregulation) Only to break down and cry a minute or 2 later, saying he's sorry he knows his anger is out of control, he knows he's making too much out of it but he's depressed and sick of it. Toward the middle of it there, I caught myself trying to JADE some silly issues he was bringing up, but within a few min I realized what I was doing, and went back into SET which did calm him.

I'm used to "normal" days, and I'm used to "dysregulatuion" days, but I haven't experienced a time until now where it seemed like Jekyll and Hyde were on the battlefield right in front me.

Oh yeah. When my dBPDw was really "off" she would contradict herself by the minute. She would tell me she loved me and was sorry for everything she has done and then a few minutes later tell me she hated me and I was a monster. It is very frustrating because you don't know which is real. Or, I guess, to them, both are real at the time. I would always try and encourage her to try not to get too high emotionally or too low but she couldn't handle it.

 

This is good that this is happening... .try to validate when dysregulating... .

When regulating... a little SE... and try to use truth to move things forward a bit.

You will have to stay on your toes an be nimble to do this!  Think it through... .

In lieu of the winter season coming up... .I'm wondering that's part of it. He's always more depressed in winter. Perhaps he's fighting within himself to maintain. /sigh poor guy.

I think you are right Mr. Solo, it's both at the same time. How very confusing it must be for them to feel all of those emotions at once, stuck between what they know they should do versus what their brains scream at them to do.

TY for the advice, formflier. I will have to practice my SETfu for this lol

I think I see this quite often where she starts on what looks like a full blown dysreg, then catches herself and just feels sorry for herself, until it becomes a convoluted mess.  Actually, I see this almost daily.  And I agree, wading through this and figuring out what to SET, what to validate, not to JADE - you will need headache medicine!

I've started to just stay present with her, remind her to stay present, and then just listening.  She goes through the whole cycle herself - blame me or others, while I listen, maybe validate a little of her emotion.  Then she turns it around on herself, then back around again, and eventually ends in tears and me holding her.  And I've barely said anything.