BPDFamily.com

It has been about a year and this cycle is starting over with my BPD wife.  The last 8-10 months it feels like I was seeing real growth from her.  However, things have quickly starting cascading downward since over the last 4 months. 

10 months ago I did what I know I shouldn't have done... .gave into her demands which demanded me not to communicate with my immediate family (sisters, brother, and mother).  AS I read back through the posts from a year ago here on this site,  I see the times when the BPD family encouraged me not to give in.  Giving in seemed like the right think to do and it was reinforced by my BPDw changed her behavior almost instantly.  The day I said I would stop talking to them- I got my bed back, I got my wife back, the stress in the house went from 10 down to 2, all within hours.  That wass after 3+ months of pure hell (lonliness, anger, confusion, constant conflict).  I had seen a divorce lawyer and had all my ducks in a row if I needed to leave.  But I conceded one day.  It totally surprised me when I did concede.  I said I would do 'not communicate' with them for a year.  (Any communication with my family was a threat to my wife as me not loving her.  I would talk to them perhaps twice a month).  That day everything got better.  However, the cost was not attending any extended family functions.  My wife also told my mother and sister she didn't like them and they were only to address her with a formal title of MRS. ******. 

The home environment has been relatively good up until about 4 weeks ago.  Fights started getting closer together in time and unresolved conflict seem to keep building.   Then last week she told me she had a bad dream about me.  Then she continued and said that she is still very angry at me for going to a 25th class reunion in Oct 2013 and staying out late.   She has not mentioned this fear in about 8 months.  She was suppose to go the the 25th reunion, however she chose not to that night as she was angry at me.  She said I should have never gone to that knowing I could see old girlfriends there (I have never ever been unfaithful to my wife physcally or emotionally with any other person).  She said I don't trust you and think you did something.   I tried my best at acknowledging the pain she must have to think that way but please know that is not what happened at all.  It was a bunch of people at a cook out.  She said that she it will always be something she thinks about forever no matter how old we become.  I started feeling hurt by her words and said that I am feeling hurt by what you say.  She hung up.

Four days later and this weekend after total silence, she said that she doesn't believe me and I need to apologize for going.  She said that I did something and I need to confess.  I didn't have anything to confess.  She kept going for 45 mins, and then I lost my cool and got angry and said some mean things about what she thought may have happened that night and started painting pictures in her mind of what she was actually blaming me for. 

She kicked me out of the bedroom, I apologized later.  She is so upset.  I went over the line.     

I am upset with myself that my family relationships have been badly bruised this year where we are not invited to any family functions as me brothers and sisters do not want to be around her.  They are hurt by what my wife said to them.  Kids wont have their cousins to play with and I lost 10 people in my life (brother and sisters and their spouses) plus my nieces and nephews. 

I'm really sorry that you are living with this much pain, All4BVM 

It's got to hurt for you not to be able to see or communicate with your family. Were you close to them before you had to go "no contact" with them?

Did you ever have to go this long without seeing them prior to the last year?

How did your wife deal with it before the last dysregulation that resulted in your not seeing your family for the last year?

Have you had the chance to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? Every single one of them are invaluable to learning how your wife's mind works, and learning the communication tools & techniques that can help make things at least a little bit better in your relationship. Also, at the top of the first page of this Board (above the sticky threads, and member threads) are 4 photos, with links to Feature Articles under each photo.

I highly recommend that you check them out, also... .This link will be eye-opening and helpful to you for sure: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols). I can't tell you that these links are the solution to all of your problems, All4BVM, but they might help