BPDFamily.com

I am weary.

I am worn out.

I am crossed between hurt... .and mad.

Confused... .and clarity.

This most recent THREE weeks of being pummeled, shocked, raged at ... .and overall pummeled... .

has left me now ... .wondering... .

Do they EVER simply become horrified at their treatment of you?

I now almost NEED an acknowledgement of it by her.

A recognition of the rages... .

Do they EVER see any of this later?

Are they EVER horrified by thier behavor?

I know exactly what you mean.  I do get the occasional (very occasional) apology but even then I'm not convinced its heartfelt most of the time as there doesn't seem to be any remorse attached.  I'm not sure they realise how bad it is at time as they are concentrating on their own turmoil.

Yes... .it is very difficult to try and see proof of  love or caring - when you are treated in such a horrible way.

It seems a inherent belief that raging, abusive, denigrating, and dismissive treatment conflicts greatly with a norm that people do NOT treat others that way without any remorse if they indeed care about them.

So HOW do we (the non's) rectify the internal struggle of being treated horribly... .and NOT thinking this person does not care about me... let alone love me.

Added to this , is if we (the non's) try to revisit the behavior or the incident, we are either left without any apology, met with a pwBPD who feels "justified", A pwBPD who rewrites history and claims it never happened or  - worse yet - simply begins the tirade simply because you wanted to discuss it.

It begs a question.

So pwBPD actually do LOVE and CARE about us - but do not regulate or recognize the horrible treatment they met out?

Or do they actually met out that horrible treatment... .because they do not, or are not, really able or to love in a traditional sense?

Painful to write ... .nore painful to experience... .

My dBPDw seems to be pulling out of her episode and is apologizing for some things.  She has not apologized for the infidelity but has stated she is sorry for taking me for granted. She has also apologized for putting our child and I in danger by telling some of the guys from craigslist she was attempting to hook up with where we live. She seems sincere in her apology. I may be blind and she may just be going through the motions that her therapist doing her dbt is saying but I guess it was good enough for me at this point

My bf has apologized quite a bit after he treated me horribly.  One time, he did something that was truly horrible, while he was dysregulating. He did not talk to me about it for a very long time and nor did I mention it.  Right before he left, he brought up this particular incident.  He had tears in his eyes and apologized to me.  He said he did not understand why he did it and he can never forgive himself.  He described what the incident was like for him and said he just saw "red" and the "monster" inside of him took over.

I do think that pwBPD can truly love.  Their emotions are so intense, it is more than likely they feel love intensely.  Most likely, they do not show "remorse," because they use defense mechanisms, like avoidance, projection, etc.  Usually, they blame themselves more then a non could.  In my opinion, pwBPD are aware of some of their unsavory behavior, but they do not always let us know.     

Yes, I think some pwBPD truly beat themselves up for how they treat us. But like Eaglesjuju explained, we may not always see it when it's disguised behind all their defense mechanisms. In moments of clarity, I've gotten sincere apologies with genuine remorse. I don't believe they enjoy raging, blaming, or being hurtful, but that's how they cope.

I agree, it seems like they don't immediately consciously feel remorse but when they play it back in their heads and

they will they feel bad. Sometimes it's to painful for them talk about to give you an apology and they make it up to you in other ways, my ex would clean the house which isn't something she would do often.

This is a good summary of my former partner. Sometimes, as I was holding her at night in bed, she'd say,."I'm such a b___ to you, but I'm your b___." I never knew how to respond or process that. I didn't know how to validate that emotion since it flew in the face of my values. It was an apology... .but it wasn't. It was a waif wanting to be rescued, and I enabled it by having lousy boundaries (as well as my avoidant traits due to my BPD mom).

In retrospect, it was really shame, after an awareness of her often uncontrollable emotions. How do you validate shame without using the s-word?

nightmoves, pwBPD can't regulate their emotions like we can. When she isn't treating you horribly, have you asked her why she does? It could trigger a rage, but maybe you could gain some insight enough to start a conversation.

pwBPD react aggressively when they feel they are a failure, or can be potentially criticised. Hence when they feel they are, or have been, in the wrong they protect themselves by being aggressive... So it gets worse if they think too hard about it. Hence blocking it altogether is often the only other option.

My partner has now moved on from all conflict with me stage, though the BPD is otherwise still there. Now that she feels safe from conflict and being challenged over it, she shows shame for some of the things she previously would have blocked/dismissed.


I would therefore say that they block/deny it as a first response defense, but down the track if they start to become more settled long term they can own it. They cant own it while they can't control it.

I would agree with all the above posts. I think that is why many people are attracted to pwBPD because when its gopd, its good.  They intense emotions they feel aren't always bad to the non. I read how many narcissistic people are attracted to pwBPD because they put them on the pedestal that they want. By no means am I implying that anyone on here is trying to work it out because of narcissist tendencies but pwBPD can be sensitive and caring. My dBPDw is a so called "high functioning" because although she has the deregulation she is still very compassionate as a nurse. She just takes the anger out on the one she trusts the most which is me. Looking at the positive though, I know this is the illness and not her. She is coming out of an episode and like the above comments, wants to block the infidelity and move past it. She wishes that we had the trust like we had before and it is hard for me but I do validate and say it is not her fault and stop being so hard on yourself.  The more validating I am, the faster she returns to "normal" and realizes what she almost lost

I'm waiting for my wife to get there... .I feel it is coming to a head though... .

Wow... .incredible and uber thoughtful posts.


I too get the sense that she cannot ... at all... .go anywhere near what she might perceive as criticism. For me ... .the tough part... .was understanding that the kye word is PERCEIVE... .and that is also tied to what SHE takes as criticism.

I like to use LOGIC... .if we are discussing some issue that has become irrational addressed by her.

It is almost amusing now... how much THAT path... LOGIC... .I learned (form this site) like putting GAS on a fire.

Many of a pwBPD rages ... .are COMPLETELY illogical. Much of the blame, accusations, complaints... .are completely baseless and ILLOGICAL.

SO - I would think it would STOP the rage... .if I could just show her ... .that these things were ILLOGICAL.

What ... was i thinking? To a logical or NON BPD... .this would have worked. (of course ... .the illogic... .that caused it was likely to have been very ATYPICAL of that person. )

But to a pwBPD... .the LOGIC discussion- was putting a spotlight on how ILLOGICAL her actions, thoughts, statements, were. And thus... she felt she was being CRITICIZED.

The TOUGHER thing about criticism is this... .with a pwBPD... .when you are not only NOT criticizing them... .there are times when you are the actually trying to say something GOOD... .they will feel criticized. So... I am not sure it is EVER possible to pre-think ENOUGH to prevent it.


Yes - have tried that many times. IT ALWAYS triggers rage. I think that possibly they cannot even STAND to be apologetic... as that woo ... .is an admittance that they are WAY out of line. Like Eaglejuju said above... .much of what they are RAGING about is PROJECTED... .so perhaps they see no need for an apology because they TRULY believed you were doing/thinking/planning/plotting what they PROJECTED.


I have had this happen in many ways too. Took a long while to even understand it.

This realization is more important than you think. Once you learn this, you will learn to stop trying to fix everything, which ultimately is what is driving you nuts. You are setting yourself up for failure.

The tools and methods are like oil to an engine. It makes it run smoother but it wont keep it out of the mechanics forever. Breakdowns will happen.

Do your best, shrug it off when its not enough, and pick up the pieces when the storm passes. "Over rescuing" at times can make the problem worse at times. Especially increasing your sense of helplessness.

Rescuing can validate the role of victim, creating an unhealthy status quo. A bit like too many medications create an addict. So think of your role as crisis minimization not total prevention.

Acceptance is about learning to live with the shortfall.

Sometimes, no matter how you try to prevent it, pwBPD will think you are criticizing them. It is their way of thinking and how they associate their feelings.  For example (I mentioned this on another thread awhile back), one time I was talking to my bf about celebrities. It was a fun conversation.  For some reason, I started talking about Justin Bieber messing his life up. My bf yelled/raged at me and told me I was disgusting because, I wanted to have sex with Justin Bieber and he was sick of hearing about him.  Totally ridiculous and illogical.  Especially because I did not mention anything about Justin Bieber being attractive etc.  Then he stormed off into the bedroom.   As I found out later,  he started raging because, talking about Justin Bieber made him feel that I did not care about him.  He was projecting his own thoughts/fears on to me. He had no idea what he was doing was "wrong."  In his mind it was normative behavior. Honestly, there was no way of preventing his outburst.  

On the other hand, sometimes he could not cope with the fact that he hurt me or upset me.  For example, we were in the living room and he had said something that really upset me. I started crying.  I looked at him across the room, and he was disassociating, incredibly spaced out, and fixated on his phone/ tv.  At first glance, it would appear that he had no empathy or did not care.  Realistically, he really could not handle the fact, he said something that hurt me.  










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