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ive heard that but i cant find a rational arguement to it... if its true -

why is that?

why are they known for doing great at sex? rationally, is there a reason?

Mine was not... .

The one i was involved with certainly was. It's the only thing she's good at but it's pretty valuable as she can pretty much find a guy that's willing to live with her and help her out with her army of kids in exchange for sex, which is basically what her "relationships" now amount to.

Not mine... .She has huge self-esteem issues that carried right into the bedroom.  I won't go into detail, but... .no she was not great at sex.

i dont think mine was great at sex, but i think i started to love her so much, that i thought everything about her was great...

i remember in the beggining i didnt really think her sex was even above average...

and now i dream of her and think ill never find sex like that again...

is this what im feeling/felt for her real love?

bc i literally found everything that i hated about her beautiful, once she conquered me...

Honest answer in short.  You fell in love with a fantasy. 

Ding... Ding... Ding... .We all did... .

Continuing to have sex with her when i knew things were not going to work out was really self destructive. I hated myself afterwards for being so weak and caving to her advances. I would feel so weird just laying there with her afterwards.

I've been there.  Hell I continued to baby sit her and try and save her from her drunken binges when I knew things were not going to work out.  Don't beat yourself up about that, it's in the past.  All we can do now is move forward with the knowledge we have of the disorder and more importantly own our role in the dysfunction.

Mine was obsessed with sex and wanted to know that she was the best.  I haven't been with a ton of partners, nor do I even care about comparing sexual performance between people -I think that is cruel.

I bet it is probably because a) she was sexually abused as a kid, so she links her rage to sex, and b) she has no clue how to have real emotional closeness, so she, like many people, sexualizes closeness -it's like a cheap substitute

Mine sure wasn't.  You actually have to care about wanting to please someone else.

I remember early in the relationship when she told me I was the best lover she ever had, waiting for me to reciprocate.  When I didn't, whoo boy that was not a fun evening.  Basically only said it so I would say it to her.

LOL. I used to get this a lot too. Along with "nobody has ever made me feel this way before" and all that other nonsense. I ate it all up like a puppy.

I heard some of that crap too.  She also would never divulge how many people she'd been with, but referred to herself as a "prude".  All I can say is as the relationship unfolded and the amount of ex boyfriends names that came up along with the crap that went on behind my back with FB guys, guys coming to her place delivering vodka, and blatant affairs the list in my mind of how many guys that I could think of was crazy long.   Needless to say after the sex ended I went and got tested, the whole nine yards.  

That's one thing that is a little surprising to me on these boards is that being tested for SDT isn't brought up very much if at all.  Hell, just about every member here has said there was cheating over and over so it seems logical to get some testing done even for peace of mind.  

I remeber once she she could count the number of people she slept with two hands. That comment is now comical as chances are very good that she cheated with at least 8 people i know about i'm certain there are others. Once i finally started realizing the extent of her ___dom, which took me walking in on her with one of my friends and him showing me all the text messages between them two which made it crystal clear she was the one pursuer, i went out and got tested.

My ex is probably up into the 20's, at this point.

I'm pretty sure mine was/is above and beyond that OOE. 

Funny thing is if people are straight with you and tell you "the number" you can take them or leave them.  The hurt and pain comes when that person with the disorder paints themselves with very specific brush strokes having you think one way and then as the relationship unfolds and   you see a different painting you feel pretty cheated and dirty because that's not what you signed up for.   I know lying to them is like breathing to us, but it's still mind blowing on how many skeletons are in their closet.

The sex with my pwBPDexw was never all that. I don't miss the sex just the fantasy.

The same thing happened to me!  My wife (while we were dating) told me that we had the best sex she ever had.  Then, during the marriage, she told me that I was the best at oral, but all oral suddenly stopped right after that.

Go figure.

Yea i feel pretty cheated out of my virginity for this exact same reason. Something im having a hard time excepting somedays. Idk i guess the sex was everything i ever wanted physically, she did things i never though a girl would do for me. And seldom it did get there with intensity emotionally and spiritually. But more often than not i felt this a one way street. The last time we had sex she was flipped over acting as if it was such a "chore" for us to share the deepest bond a human being can have with another on this plane of existence. That one still hurts when i think about it. I dont blame her. I blame myself for projecting my own fantasy onto to her and thinking she was capable of the same feelings. But she was my first everything so honestly it was to be expected in that i went in the flames with no protective gear and navigated the waters without a proper compass. I was blind to what a relationship was supposed to be and so i expected too much. And as one of my favorite quotes states "expectation is the root of all heartache." Its ironic that ever since i was a teenager i always convinced myself that "once you get a girl in a serious long term relationship everything else will fall into suite and youll finally be happy." I never imagined what a lesson id learn from such foolishness and it was probably the most painful one of my whole life.  

Sex was the best I have had in all my years with my ex, and it was great every time.  I missed it dearly for the first couple of months of NC and it hurt to think she was with someone (or more   ) else.  She was hyper-sexual and multi-orgasmic.  It was a lot of fun.  It was her hook.  She used it to subtly control and manipulate me.  Knowing what I know now about her, I look at her more like a trashy ___.  I don't think you could pay me to have sex with her now.

See to me, the great sex was part of that fantasy some of us here talk about.

Also, im pretty sure the bdx is probably closer to 100 bodies than 20 and she's in her mid 20s.

While i dont judge the body count, what i do judge is that she has that high a number while pretty much not ever really being single. She jumps from "relationship" to "relationship" and victimizes that person (and getting pregnant by them) while at the same timesleeping around with whoever without a care in the world. That right there is what is digusting.  

Although I said earlier in this thread that my ex was average at best her hook was giving oral and as you said she used it to subtly control and manipulate me.  If something went wrong the next day or that week she had no problem telling me what she did for me and how I wasn't meeting her needs in whatever the matter was.  She threw that in my face constantly and would also brag to her girlfriends openly about how spoiled I was and should consider myself lucky in that regard. It would have been almost funny except for the fact that I was dealing with a disordered, manipulative, and very cunning individual.  I think it was her only hook as far as sex because as I said previously she was very self-conscious in the actual act.  

I think that is very subjective… if we use objective standards and plot out the answers, I believe we will see a chart that is everywhere.  I think intimacy experience is highly subjective.  Lots is in our heads… and also what our individual preferences are.  

How is it being subjective when it comes to my personal experiences with my BPDxgf? I don't recall anyone else being influenced but me by the comments she made.   I was acutely aware of the manipulation tactics she was using on me and there was nothing subjective about that.

I think this horse is dead... .

Very

Hell no. My exwife was heavy handed, clumsy and self occupied.

The first time I was touched *gently* by woman after breaking up with my wife I realized what I've been missing out on.

subjective means it works on you and people alike that may be attracted to the "experience" that she was providing.  What works for you may not work for another…. that is what I mean by subjective.  Unfortunately for men, we are driven by testosterone, so that it is not difficult to please us with a bit of seduction and little effort, everything feels great.  But I can assure you that after you reach my age (40+) and after going through what I have gone through, I am able to detach that physical attraction and see that as a liability rather than an asset … I begin to pay more attention about how a woman behaves.  I recognize that many men who had strong father figures in their lives are instinctually able to feel that out.  A man who grew up in a healthy and functional family sees what their parents' interactions are like and expect that.  So why are we attracted to dysfunctional PDs?  perhaps we did not have a chance to properly educate our brain to be attracted to the right mate?  perhaps this is also part of "imprinting" that we missed.  

Um, I'll be 49 in a week so my BPDxgf isn't my first rodeo.

My ex was tuned out and into her own world most of the time. My ex had a sex drive, but it felt lacking in intimacy.  Any attempts to have actual conversations about sex and intimacy were shut down with the statement, "Well, I just like penetration," and the refusal to talk about anything at all after that.

Totally creeped me out.  On the other hand, my exwas addicted to reading erotic stories about incest rape, which kind of screws everything up.  I guess rape in many ways could be just lying there and being penetrated, which would explain how she talked about sex in real life.

So messed up.  She clame that she was never abused as a kid, but I have a suspicion that she's been through some messed up stuff that she won't talk about.

Either way, regardless of how she got to where she is, I didn't think it was safe to be with someone who was into those kids of fantastes and didn't want to get help.

I realized that every time we had sex was a risk of bringing a child into this world who has a mom that fantasies about incest rape... .and I had no idea where the line was between fantasy and reality.  That's a dangerous situation.

I have a feeling a lot of pwBPD were sexually abused when they were young.  My ex talked about her cousins that were sexually abused by a babysitter.  I think it was my exs way of telling me something happened to her too except she has that Memory blocked out.

I think a lot of people in general are sexually abused.

I'm not an expert by any means on this subject Blim, but when I was with my BPDxgf and I'd touch her she would jump.  It wasn't just a gut feeling I got, but an intuitive feeling on my part that she got abused.  So I asked her once very carefully 'did something happen to you' and she nodded. I didn't want to push it further, but I think that was validation enough from her that she was abused.  If you think about the disorder and how  they naturally push down all their feelings I can't imagine how deeply buried something like that is.  It must come out in all kinds of different ways  in conjunction with the disorder.  Very sad.   

My NPDw is completely dysfunctional when comes to intimacy... anything has to do with intimacy… she gets all bizarre and sometimes turns aggressive and into attack mode (as in rage mode).  we go on without intimacy for months and she says it is normal for married couple and this was like early in our relationship.  This got worse as we stayed together… anything has to do with intimacy she rejects and turn belligerent…  something is weird.  I do expect that she may have been abused when was a child… I just can not wrap my mind around how and when.  I mean do normal people act like that without sometkind of trauma?  perhaps they do if their brain was wired to be sociopathic NPD… I dunno, but I read NPD is also promiscuous… I notice that my wife has this strange attraction to older men… and she disguise it.  Especially older men at work… and I did notice another incidence.  Sometimes, I think to my self, why am I wasting so much time thinking about this… i am really wasting my life.  so sometimes I say to myself, I really don't care how and where she is coming from, I deserve none of this bull that she puts out... and that is all I know.  I got my problems growing up and I don't dump on her for my baggage.  I got my preferences but I know how to draw boundaries…. all I can say is What the heck, why are we making so much excuses for these PDs?

In my case No. My ex was by far the most sexual partner I have ever had. She was rampant to the point of being intimidating and predatory. After a very short time sex became dreadful. She was self centered in the extreme and put so much emphasis and pressure on sex that I withdrew. There was very little true intimacy. For me, she was the worst lover I have ever had because sex was merely a control tool for her. She progressively verbally abused me with insults about my sexual performance. An awful experience. I spoke briefly to her ex (a guy I knew through a group of friends) and he told me that she had "F**ked him up sexually. This woman was bad bad news in this area. A total addict with warped ideals around sex. I'm no saint or monk but this was way too much. Thank God, I am in a relationship with someone now where sex, respect and intimacy are linked.

I wanted to add something to this thread, but I think you said it all. I missed the intimacy of a close relationship. The blue movies and sex toys just became too boring.

Same old, same old... .!  

This might sound weird, but I am so devastated by the total bombardment of sex, then the sudden withdraw of it, that just holding hands with someone who cares about me would be a mind blowing experience.

Mine would do things mechanically 8/10 times, I had the impression she was doing it "just cause" without any real desire. I remember telling her once it was getting repetitive and boring, I got guilt-tripped about being honest about that for years later... .

Honestly I'm glad I don't have to deal with it anymore, just too much drama overall.

When you look at it through the borderline lens of attachment, mirroring and control, sex can be used as a powerful tool.  My ex played that to the hilt, fake double D's, 'techniques' she learned from porn, self focus, no intimacy; it felt like I should be leaving cash on the nightstand, but she considered it god's gift and I should be grateful that she was 'granting' me access.  Amazingly that worked with many a suitor, never did much for me at all, but yet I stayed, maybe she'll change, maybe she'll realize what I'm trying to give, accept it and reciprocate.  Note to self: notice what you're really getting and act accordingly.  Right away.

In the beginning, it was very passionate and reciprical, and quite frankly exhausting. I can't recall it ever being tender, or gentle or an intimate kind of sex.

I came to realize that a) she was mostly drunk when it happened, and b) it became a mechanical motion about her. I realize 'healthy' relationships can get mechanical too, but they usually have some intimacy.

As I've seen mentioned on these boards previously, I felt like she used it to 'medicate' in some way.

My ex uBPDgf  was amazing at it.  She would want it any time of day anywhere it did not matter, during the day in the car, just go for a walk into the woods, it was always new, different, and exciting.  My Theory on this because others post of lack of intimacy is this type actually may have a clue how abusive and intolerable they are and use sex to drug you into sticking around through the abuse they know they are going to dish out when their mask falls off

(Big Deep Inhale)

It is my opinion, that people who engage in sexual behavior before they 'know' the other person, much less before they are married? Strike 1.

I see this all the time: Men are ensnared by a female who freely gives her body away OR EVEN just the promise of that because they have no control over their own sexual appetites. Strike 2

Women know that the vast majority of men are 'controlled' by their gross inability to reign in their sexual appetites, so the women "hook 'em" with sex that the men only 'see in the movies, or in magazines'... .and then the men mistake porn sex for 'love'. Strike 3

If a 'relationship' was 'built on' sex... .well, build a house on a sandy beach and see what happens when a storm blows in.

Who's fault is it that you built a home on a sandy beach?

Yeah, I know the view was beautiful... .you felt so special being on this beautiful beach.

But deep in your soul, you knew building your home on a sandy beach was a bad idea.

You just let your emotions make decisions.

BAD decisions.

Too many today mistake sex=love.

No.

Don't confuse the two and you won't end up wrecked.

I think it is total subjective to value “great sex” even in relation to BPD.

Compare it to define love or pain, one get's many answers describing, not defining it.

We all have different fantasies and likes so all depends on your perception.

When the 1st time with a partner gives one a heavenly feeling was the sex great?

Ever wondered how the other partner experienced it? Also great…? Not to embarrass you maybe?

Don't even start a search for any 'evidence', it is futile.

Sex while with my exBPDw made my shoulder sore... .  |iiii  It wasn't all that passionate, but very intimate since there was only one person in the room lol

I've worried in the past that if I were to find passionate, casual sex that it would be a    for BPD, however I now think that is bunk. 

Potentially a pwBPD is infatuating because they play to our ego during ideation phase... .who doesn't want to hear about how much of a stud they are!  10-12 years ago she told me she got off 8-12 times in a session, and my count was close just listening to the results, however turns out that was all a lie... .  In the end I didn't wouldn't touch her with somene else's pole because I'd just be a stupid idiot that doesn't know how to do it right right... .

My shoulder isn't sore anymore... .my whole body is and turns out I do know what the F I'm doing :)

Yep, this about summed it up and I also refused to validate him as I would have been lying.  He was also keen to keep on bringing up how he was the best lover any of his ex's had. I suspect they may have all been virgins, or he just assumed it, or they just agreed to shut him up!  It came across as massive insecurity and neediness which made my skin crawl.  He also used to refer to himself as really good looking but he most definitely wasn't.  I'm not sure whether he was trying to convince me or himself.  Mine WAS focussed on pleasing me, because he had problems with any focus on him and became an anxious mess who couldn't perform.  Not nice, I started to feel like a paedophile to be honest, even though he was late 30's, and no wonder if they are emotionally stunted.

My theory is that they're good because they get a lot of experience cheating. I can't say mine was skillfully great. I did most of the work. She just had an amazing tight little body that wouldn't quit.

Mine was a great sexual partner at first. He used that to manipulate me. Toward then end of our relationship when he was cheating he withdrew all sex and intimacy and showed me two people humping on tv and said "that use to be us." SICKO... .Once again painful crap... .

My ex was the biggest prude i've ever seen. I guess she was an exception  lol

sounds like my ex not the same women is it !

This thread is interesting because i'm seeing some responses that were the complete opposite of my experience. I too also thought that being highly sexual was a signifcant BPD characteristic as the BPDx i was involved with just wanted to have sex non-stop. Very few instances involved actual "love making" and it was usually just very rough sex like you would have with a random hookup.

He used to say that "it was just perfect" everytime we made love, which was not often, every 3-4 weeks. But IT WAS perfect, there was nothing I could say about that. It still hurts to think of all this  :'(

I do remember that in the beginning he said something about being "adaptable" in this field.

I wonder if he just mirrorred me, behaved in such a likewise manner that I felt 100% understood and an amazing bond.

Let's not forget that many of us are so banged up, battered and bruised by the time we extract ourselves from our disordered ex, we may not be in a great place to attract what we want, or be a good judge of what we get.  I enjoy sex as much as the next guy, but I don't give a ---- if the filet mignon taste great in jail, I'll take Ramen noodles and freedom everytime.

This is me high-fiving myself in the mirror... .

The thing is just before BPDx, I was with my D10's father for 9 years. Freedom, respect, great companionship, trust. But zero romance and lousy sex (or non existing). And I really felt something was truly missing... .

Only in the first phases, then as time progressed it went from being "the best she ever had" to telling me I had sexually abused her to in the end, me not wanting her to touch me at all.

She used it to reel me in.

My BPDx always chose WHEN to have sex, and passed the first stage, it was not often.

I didn't complain much, for I do believe that this is up to personnal choice, but I did crave intimicy and tenderness sometimes.

But I suppose his ex was more demanding, he'd told me that she sometimes shouted (with window open and people on the street/neighbours potentielly listening) that "he wasn't even good at sex".

He then had told me that he had to force himself to have sex, that it was physically painful (?)

This had somewhat shocked me, first that he'd talk about this to ME and secondly that a man could feel kind of sexually abused by his gf... .

I guess he didn't find that was my weak point. Instead he used my recent financial dependency on him to put me (and the kids) in REAL trouble.

Also he new that I hated invasive family. Here I've been served: they've even read ALL our mails and texts.

It's just unbelievable.

My ex would embarress me infront of her relatives on purpose and yes, show them my weaknesses while hiding her outright abuses. A man can feel abused by a girlfriend in every place not only the bedroom.

That's the idea I have about it too. At first she wanted to know my every sexual fantasy and she really meant it, she wouldn't stop nagging until I opened up completely about it. She, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any fantasies at all, except for mine which she suddenly adopted as hers... .She just "didn't discover she had that in her yet". Sure enough she wanted to act out all the things I told her, even some things I wasn't even sure I wanted to do for real... .Then as time went by she gradually wasn't that 'into those things anymore' and by extension not that into sex with me anymore either... .So all this left me confused, anxious and deprived, which is exactly where they want you, as your every thought, emotion, action will revolve around them. You become like that obsessed heroine junkie, degrading yourself licking your dealers' boots for a spec of dope thrown at you.

Of course if you really detach and she knows it she'll be that porn star incarnate again, for a (much shorter) while

Ha! Maybe its the same woman! Ironically, not only would she not tell me her fantasies, she used to berate me for not knowing them and call me selfish for not taking the time to get to know her. So much crazymaking... .

This is word for word what happened to me to the pont that it's messed me up a little bit. It's difficult to have "normal" sex with a decent woman because i was hooked on the crazy sex and doing whatever i wanted to the BPDx. It was really like having my own porn star.

This gave me a good laugh, I'm high-fiving you too!

My ex  use to Shout " Next " after every long sex Session , never called it making love !

As a point of clarification, the freedom I refer to is to be away from the devaluation and demeaning verbal abuse.  I too have been told that I am no good in the sack, go read books, get a clue etc.  Just put down so badly that I didn't care to try anymore.  It was sick.  In the beginning she lied to me about how great I was during  the ideation phase which is also so damaging and unhelpful.  

So I "starved myself" because I am a good guy and monogomous inside a marriage, not even eating Ramen lol  There was plenty of passion in the beginning.  

I can remember her telling me that sometimes girls just want to be "taken and ravaged" by a "real man"  Obviously that wasn't me.  So one time I got more dominant and physical and just tried to throw some more spice in the bedroom.   Yeah- later she accused me of raping her... .What the heck?  There was never even a "no or stop" or "simmer down" at the time.  Unbelievable... .wait no-- totally believable once you wrap your head around the BPD NPD mindset.  Just sick- that's what it is!

And thanks Pingo! 

For everyone that thinks that sex isn't going to be as passionate as it was with their BPDex... .be reminded that it takes two to tango.  Bring the party, don't go to the party!  Could it be that you confused passion with being used as a sex object for their gratification because they are Hedonistic? 

Maybe TMI but it's when I start to be concerned about "just me" is when I light the afterburner, girls can do this for longer than guys!  Something to contemplate.

I dont know what it was. A series of quickies because there were 5 kids all over the place? Yep. Very few passionate times, but even then, all about her. Whatever, sick of talking about this ___... .

That's good Deeno, you're processing your way out of it.  What's next?

Beats me, kind of a ___ day... .

how about... .do pwBPD date people who are GREAT at sex? My experienced opinion? yes!

I have said exactly the same thing TO my BPDgf in times of stress and conflict where the problem couldn't be resolved amicably. The issues that the non has (to deal with) as well as the crap that a pwBPD puts on you tends to leave you feeling this way... .especially when you (or them) have left the relationship and YOU ARE LEFT HOLDING THEIR BAGGAGE.

I know where you're at Deeno02. Keep going. It only gets better.  |iiii

Wow, this mirrors my experience exactly. Also told I was the best one day to not knowing what to do in bed after the marriage, also told to read books, also told she wanted to be 'taken' and then when I did it accused of hurting and rape and as you say,there was no protest at the time, only afterwards. It's obv just more leverage to keep us bound in guilt.

There's something I don't understand though, why go to all this bloody effort, I was already committed to her, acting in this way was the catalyst for losing me, I know prior partners have also left her similarly, some running away to other countries, most just cutting all contact with her. I understand action=consequences, if I'm horrible to someone, if I make them feel badly it's not nice, you feel bad and you increase the chance of that person not wanting to be around. My ex is fairly intelligent, why can't she learn! I guess they just get more pleasure in hurting people, it's so weird!

My one wasn’t good in bed she was just accommodating. As soon as she learned about something I like she would implement it into our sex sessions.

This would be fun as it was quite kinky and felt good. What she wasn’t very good with is foreplay and slowing things down to make things last longer. It was all about the orgasm and getting off as quickly as possible.

My non-ex was great in bed but she hadn’t had that much experience. She was good because I am good at communicating what I like and don’t like. I am also good at finding out what my girlfriend likes so I can please her.

Sex with my non always got better and never boring. Sex with my BPD was exciting at first but started to get boring. In the end I would say it was one step up from masturbating.

I’ve heard about these crazy girls being good all the time but its just because they are willing to take the lead and be adventurous. There is absolutely no reason why the sex can’t be just as good with a non-crazy.

All you need to do is communicate with your partner and be willing to try things out.