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Title: Disengaging Post by: howcanI? on November 14, 2014, 12:21:27 PM Question for the group: what is the difference between disengaging and giving our BPD the "silent treatment"?
Title: Re: Disengaging Post by: maxsterling on November 14, 2014, 03:42:35 PM Well, the way I feel right now is that it is mostly perspective. The pwBPD is likely to feel abandoned by you for disengaging, and claim you are giving the silent treatment. That's just where their thoughts go. I know that happens in my case. She sometimes exhausts me with her worries, and at some point I just get tired of responding. And then she gets mad that I am not responding.
But from an objective position, silent treatment is a means of punishment or teaching someone a lesson that we are mad by stopping all communication. Disengaging is stopping a specific conversation in order to protect ourselves (not to teach another a lesson). To disengage, I think it is important to tell the person we no longer wish to discuss that particular topic at that time, or under the tone and emotion it is being discussed. The pwBPD will still rage about that, but that is their issue, not yours. Title: Re: Disengaging Post by: takingandsending on November 14, 2014, 06:02:25 PM howcanI,
It is mostly a matter of intention. Disengaging to not make it worse is much different than disengaging to get back at someone. And you needn't be silent when you disengage. You can end a conversation and still be friendly, open and present. You can even physically leave to enforce a boundary but not make it punitive by stating that you will be back in 25 minutes and happy to talk again then. It can feel like you are being a jerk at first, or worse, like you are uncorking Mt. Vesuvius and running for dear life, but really, all you are doing is taking care of yourself and giving the opportunity for your partner to do the same instead of perpetuating a reactive, destructive communication pattern. Title: Re: Disengaging Post by: waverider on November 15, 2014, 05:28:50 AM Disengaging=passive defence & and not punitive.>Issue based (withdrawal from the issue)
Silent treatment = passive aggressive & punitive >Personally based (withdrawal from the person) Title: Re: Disengaging Post by: Caredverymuch on November 15, 2014, 06:11:00 AM Question for the group: what is the difference between disengaging and giving our BPD the "silent treatment"? Disengaging is a conscious process. It's a part of radical acceptance that the r/s is not a healthy one and disengaging is necessary for you to heal. There are tools we use to disengage and they take time to fully embrace. We use NC, which in part can be seen as encompassing silent treatment but more directly it is not as matter of fact as that. For our disordered partners, disengagement is a part of splitting and dissociation. It's an unconscious process that is part of a hallmark of the disorder. Silent treatment is an ironic form of self protection that they utilize to assist in dissociation. For the nons, it's a form of emotional abuse. |