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Any suggestions on how to stop thinking about infidelity that occured during an outbreak?

Yes. Go to a COSA or POSARC meeting, one of my meetings have men in it.  Find a therapist for yourself that specializes in this behavior.  What you have gone through is not just infidelity.   She was hooking up with men she found on Craigslist.  There really isn't anywhere else that you are going to find people that have been through the kind of shocking horror of massive infidelity, it causes a kind of trauma that most people can not relate to.

And, I am truly sorry you are dealing with this.  I remember how gut wrenching and horrific the 1st year of hell when dealing with this were like. (hugs)   

Thank you. I wasnt able to find meetings in my area but cosa does have daily phone meetings and online meetings so I plan on calling in tomorrow.

Are there any Sanon meetings? Not sure if they have men.  I also attend a therapy group for spouses that is run by a CSAT.  The support of these people IRL has been life changing.  They are now diagnosing the trauma from this as a form of PTSD, really so hard to cope with on our own.

  I'm going through some of this right now, myself.

Mindfulness meditation has been a huge help for me.

Aside: "Grey, put your money where your mouth is, and go back to daily practice that you haven't done in nearly a year!" "Self, thank you for that wisdom. I'll start as soon as I finish posting.  "

As I'm meditating, I am trying to focus on an anchor, like my breathing. Eventually I notice that my thoughts have started running back to this (the infidelity) again. I would gently focus my mind back on breathing. Sometimes I silently say to my mind "Thank you for sharing that with me. You may go now." I may go through this many times, even during the first five minutes.

What eventually happens is that as I let my thinking go about it, I usually get hit by my feelings that I've been trying to avoid. I try to stay with those feelings and experience them as best I can.

This sort of practice probably merits better instruction than I've given you. If you are interested, I can point you at better sources.

A guided meditation another COSA member (that is now working on her PhD in psychology dealing with this kind of relational trauma) recommended to me was, Guided Meditation to Help With Heartbreak, Abandonment & Betrayal by Belleruth Naparstek.   Really a very powerful healing tool.   I hadn't needed it in a long time but it was really so helpful.

I will check that out too. I did get a hold of sanon but the only physical meeting is 3 hours away but I do have a sponsor going to get a hold of me and go from there as well. I'm not blaming myselfor have thoughts that I'm not attractive but the thoughts are more like what happened even though I dont eeally want to know but my imagination takes over at that point and I lose sleep picturing her with someone else. When we were dating she had said there had been probably 100 guys but that was before us so I thought nothing of it. Harder to think that way now that we are married and it happened

Good, glad you got hold of someone.  I didn't blame myself and it didn't affect my self esteem on my attractiveness or sexuality but did in other areas.  I was angry at myself for having gone back to this relationship, when my dBPDh hadn't done the work to fix himself. There was an inventory for spouses that my therapist had me take and it showed self esteem around my attractiveness and sexuality weren't the areas I was affected. We are all affected in different ways but it does have some impact on us.  I wasn't big on visualization but have somewhat I am close to that did.  My only suggestion for that is trying the guided meditation and occupying your mind with something else. 

I do keep thinking about how I could jave tried harder and not let her go to the hotel but then I think if not that night some other time and place it wpuld have happened. Maroon 5 song maps sums about how I feel now

There is a saying, don't "should" all over yourself. I know questioning the way I handled everything just made me feel powerless and stuck.  The truth is like the 3 C's in Alanon.

I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it

The it for me is someone else's choices and behaviors.

 I know the feeling.

I had a window of about 3-4 days between when my wife told me she was going to cheat... .and when she actually had sex with the guy. I figured out that I could have flown there before it started for around $1000 all told. Seriously thought about doing it.

I also realized (later) that at that time I was so worked up, freaked out, and agitated that all I would have done was inject lots more drama into an already difficult situation. I might have prevented my wife from having sex with that guy. I might not have. I sure wouldn't have made my marriage work better given the state I was in.

And my wife was so desperate for something (which wasn't quite clear to her yet!) that she would have done something else equally drastic anyway.

Remember--You aren't the one who did this. Nor did you force her to do it.

She may play head-games and tell you it is about you. Don't believe it