BPDFamily.com

I'm tired of hearing my family and friends and even former therapist, minimize my pain, or how traumatized I am, or how long it should take me to move on.

She found a way to my most inner place, and systematically destroyed it and then threw me away when there nothing was left. She dehumanized me and instilled such a sense of confusion and self-doubt in me that I don't even feel human anymore. People not on this board, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND

There are people with their hair falling out over their relationship, people whose sexual self esteem has been destroyed, which is at the core of a person. There are people who think they may never heal. There are people who have served in the army who have been more traumatized by their relationship than a war zone. There are new arrivals who don't even know what the hell just happened over years of their life.

I hear all the time, that Borderlines shouldn't be stigmatized, I agree. But you know what? They are still abusers. They operate in bad faith, it's not just that they snap, they do not trust at all and so they are subversive. They use people and throw them away. It's an outrage what they have done to so many people. Everyone thinks their Borderline is different than the others, well they are not. They actually all use the same exact script, and it plays out in the most stereotypical way imaginable.

It's sick, it's demented, what they did to us. It's wrong, and although I'm sure we have made mistakes and lost our temper too, and said hurtful or cruel things. At least where we were coming from was honest, and had good intentions. Someday I'd like to take the high road, but for now I'm pissed and sometimes even hateful towards her, because you know what? I need it. /end rant

I agree.

I will say that I can be very sensitive... .but that has nothing to do with how the pwBPD acted. It may mean that I suffered more but I like my sensitivity and the assets that I associate with that.

That being said... .unless you have actually lived through a relationship with a pwBPD you can not actually know how damaging that it can be... .and one thing I can guarantee... .if you are outside looking in ... .you have NO IDEA who or what that pwBPD is. You are just one of the many manipulated people under the spell of the pwBPD... with all their lies, scheming and deception.

Yeah my last therapist had a Borderline client, who I think she really liked. And I was so broken and self centered, and overly honest. So she ended up not liking me and pretty much wrote  off all the things my ex did as her illness and was not understanding with me at all. So messed up.

No, they will not understand.  That said, we have characteristics that they may not they kept us in these relationships.  This is something we can only work on in ourselves, and I hope that we all can.

I am sure there are plenty of people with plenty of problems that you and I will never understand.  Some may go as deep as the wounds a pwBPD inflicts, but I completely agree that people who have not been through it do not truly understand.  I feel stronger having survived this relationship, but part of me still hurts.  Thankfully, she was not able to keep up the charade with my friends and family, and they told me point-blank, "She is a f**king psycho, you need to get out."  Even so, they were not aware of the truly devastating emotional damage she caused me, as I'm sure all of yours have caused you.

Yeah, I realize that I have a lot of self pity, and it's going to keep me stuck. But there has to be a happy medium, between reasserting your own value through outrage and self help and personal responsibility. And also realizing that, you have been abused and you were powerless to some extent, because of our own ignorance and/or low self esteem. Also, it's just frustrating and painful to have everyone in real life write me off.

There probably isn't a way to determine this scientifically, but I imagine the prison population of most countries has a higher percentage of borderlines than the general population.  It's likely their extreme actions when dysregulated have caused them to commit crimes and are now locked up.  That said, I'm not sure they deserve this (when I'm angry at my ex nothing would make me happier!) as it is a disorder they cannot control.  But they are a true drain on a healthy society.


Do you know how the take the high road?  You create a happy, meaningful life that is worth living.  Because without serious treatment, your BPDex will NEVER have that.  And taking the high road is just not talking to them or letting them know about it.  YOU enjoy YOUR life.  That's the high road and the healthy way to move on.  Your ex will likely suffer for the rest of their life.  But just like the traumatized veterans, you have it in you to move on and heal.

Positive behavior begets more positive behavior.  Take small steps and see if they make you feel better.  It's a f**king cliche, but it is true.  If you read some of my posts from during/right after the r/s I can tell you I am living proof.  Accept what you couldn't control, take responsibility for what you could, and forgive yourself.  You will move on. 

I was actually thinking today whether I hate my BPDexgf.  (Passed thru her neighborhood so I thought about it.)  I don't hate her.  I pity her.  She is a scared little child in an adult's body, and she tortured me and tried to control me because of the FEAR and PAIN she has to live through on a daily basis.  It's all she knows.  So I am building a happy, successful life, while she gets to live the rest of hers suffering.  I no longer feel the obligation to try and help/fix her and I am working to help myself.  And you know what?  I feel better for it every day.

+1000

AMEN!

I feel so alone on this. my friends, family, therapist and now a new relationship coach can't figure me out. This has destroyed me to the core. I still truly believe it was my fault... .Which is know is messed up, but I keep ruminating about what I could have done differently other than take a time machine back to the day we met, and stay home.

You're right they don't understand. My family have been very understanding but they are reaching the end with phrases like 'it has been 6 months' and whe i try and tell them about the strangeness of this bond it makes them uncomfortable and me too! They did touch a part of us but I have found comfort in doing things that I used to do well before I ever knew her. Like rewinding to who I was before we met, watching shows from the 90s, listening to old music, I find some relief in it,

I don't believe it was my fault. ... .but she wrecked me on the inside, too. I will never trust again ... .and without that... .what's the point?

@ craydar if you find that time machine throw it my way   or the flashy stick off mib.

My T and 2 good friends are the only ones that kinda get it. My exBPD was high functioning and kept everything behind closed doors. My family doesn't seem to 100% believe the devaluation, the control, and general abuse. I think they think I exaggerate. 

But even if they did believe it, to truly understand the anguish, you need to experience idealization before devaluation. People who haven't been through idealization > devaluation just don't get it.

That is exactly what I have experienced. All of it.

Add the cute, demure face playing victim (while we know, eventually what was really going down), and others just doubt that my story has any traction. It is difficult to come out the other side intact.

I agree completely. Said this before, and obviously this is not an attempt to equivocate, but it's akin to saying pedophiles shouldn't be stigmatized because mental illness/childhood abuse drives the horrible things they do.

Disorders/Illnesses is not a get out of jail free card (so to speak). They are adults who are mistreating people and are responsible

I don't blame them, certainly I was complicit in honoring the demands that things be hidden. And even so, I hardly doubt that 2 years ago I would've understood it. In fact, I still don't understand it. It was a whirlwind, a tornado that ripped through my ego, my emotional self and in some ways my very being. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, certainly I am much more frail emotionally

YES. I am not "playing" victim, here. I was damaged in my soul in a way I just am not recovering from... even though I have taken tons of action to do so with therapy, group therapy, self-help group and attempted dating.  Something just seems so broken. I am just out of the "game" at this point... .and feeling sad about it, but also grateful.  My inner self just keeps saying... uh uh... .I am not going to be stupid enough to be lured into one of those messes again. Ever.

I completely agree and you sum it up brilliantly.

You will get yourself back and you will be stronger. You aren't alone and everyone on here feels your pain. That pain is real and all consuming. Anger is good, use it to motivate you.

Stay positive

Yes it is.  It's called mental illness.  And although we want to scream and shake some sense into our exes, they don't have a choice.  Sure, they can submit to long term therapy and learn how to temper the effects, but the hardwiring will not change.  I for one didn't know what it felt like to get emotionally close to someone with mental illness.  Now I do.


And that's as it should be.  Anger is a normal response to abuse and disrespect, and it's also a stage of grieving.  The important thing is to feel it all the way, don't repress anything, but also don't do anything you'll regret later.  The anger we feel is what pain leaving feels like.  And it will pass.

Like the rest of us I was subjected to abuse and disrespect, lied to, disregarded, all the thrills, but at some point I said fck this and left.  Sure, a very crafty person who considers it mandatory to attach to someone, and who has been left by a lot of people, was invited within the walls and through the boundaries because she's very good at attaching, has to be, and I was very, very into her.  And when she knew she had me the sht showed up, which I tolerated for a while, but at some point I snapped and said 'enough'.  The good news, given time, is that I was right, I was doing what I needed to do for me, and insisting that in the face of pain only strengthened it.  It ended up being validating that what I thought the relationship was and who I thought she was was wrong, but once I adjusted I did what was right for me.  Also, I got another lesson about the consequences of going into something naively and blindly.  I'm learning.  Any of that speak to you?

I clearly agree that unless you have been in this type of r/s, its almost impossible for unknowing others to completely understand. I would have included myself in that grouping 2 years ago   

There a lot of learning that can and should result from this experience, but there is absolutely no denying its horrific to have endured.  And many may never fully recover from the experience.  Bc its beyond something we can every truly understand.  We just must radically accept and heal the wounds.   

Regarding the soul destroying idealization/ devaluation, my T said something I recalled often. " The higher they put you on the pedestal, the harder they will crash you to the ground. With no in between."   Thats the beginning of the trauma which worsens to the point many of us debilitated  to.

You are right they don't.

At the same time I think a lot that have been with a borderline won't understand either and here is why. I think the amount of pain we go through largely depends on how far we opened up to them emotionally how deep we let them in. Also how much they opened themselves to us and if we bonded to them in those moments.  I have had 2 relationships with borderlines. The first one idealized me but I never felt like she fully opened up to me and I saw  "real" her it was like i was always waiting.  The last one I saw in full glory her deepest most hidden part of herself it was surreal and very traumatic she is absolutely terrified. I managed to calm her down through a lot of effort and trust and she is an actual litteral 2 or 3 year old. A lost terrified 2 or 3 year old. In this state I opened myself completely and made vows. I bonded in the midst of her most profound of truama and I litteraly felt something like change in me in that moment. She made absolutely sure I meant it and I did. This break up hurt me exponentially worst than the first BPD ex and the first ex I recycled with like 5 times and overall she treated me much worst and I was much much more codependent with her trying to fix her and all that crap.

Cuz my dad was with my mom who is borderline but he could not relate at all to my pain.  What I realized is he never opened up his heart like I did with my ex.  As a result he didn't get hurt nearly as badly.

I have wondered this as well.  Pedophilia is a mental illness yet we have no qualms about focusing on the victim and not tolerating the perpetrator.  It is very hard to have compassion for a pedophile.  Yet not every pedophile acts on his/her impulses. 

BPD isn't allowed as a legal defense, yes? 

I go back and forth, I get enraged over the injustice of it all, the abuse I suffered, the cruelty, the total mind___... .Then I go through cycles where I see him as a damaged little boy unable to cope with life and I feel compassion for him.  I'm not sure which stage is easier to deal with but I assume this cycle is normal.  I'm looking for the 'freedom' stage listed on the sidebar here, "the stage when thinking about your loss doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being".

Well and justly said.  I share your outrage at being deceived, devalued and discarded, her discounting of my commitment and support for the last 27 years, and her replacement of me with a new paramour within days of our separation.

Taking the high road and walking away with as little drama as possible is absolutely the best way to handle BPD partners, and the fastest way to heal.  Nothing needs to be said to someone who treats a spouse this way, mental illness or not. 

I will finalize my devastating 8-month-long separation and divorce this month.   I felt unexpected calm upon receiving from my attorney today the draft of our Separation and Property Settlement Agreement.  I am ready to heal and move on.

No, they can't.  I think that's the one thing about all this that I just can't resolve.  It seems that my ex- simply plucked me out of her playhouse like a doll and dropped another guy into my former spot there -- and then just kept on going like nothing had happened.

I have a female best friend.  We've known each other for 13+ years.  We do not live close by and sometimes we do not see each other face to face for a year or more.  But we stay in contact, and pick up as if no time had elapsed.

Our personalities are quite different and contrasting.  She does have some attributes which clash with my own, and for that reason, I've never completely opened up to her regarding personal issues.  She knows most of the details about my relationships, including my heartbreaking relationship with my BPDexGF.

My friend had been waiting for me to tell her what happened when I met up with my exGf in person, and relate the disasterous ending.  I was unsure, but I finally relayed the incident about a week or so ago. 

After explaining what transpired, my friend yelled at me - it was all MY fault for what went down since I was with a mentally ill person.  She then quickly hung up the phone, as if she didn't have time or interest in letting me vent.  and people wonder why I keep everything to myself - once again, I get blamed in full for something I did not trigger or incite.  My ex acted all on her own, as if I had disappeared.

Thus, I agree, unless you have been in a r/s with someone who suffers from BPD, you cannot possibly even begin to grasp what it is like. Platitudes, minimization of feelings, and snap judgments - I am beyond tired of that crap.  I don't even want friends anymore.

Yup.

People don't get it. They wonder why I don't just 'move on.'

When explaining, they think its just normal relationship stuff and brush everything off, trivialize it.

And thats with the surface level things.

When sharing things that are scary, people will say she was crazy ... .and I don't want to hear that either, its just as not helpful and full of misunderstanding.

That I should just 'get over it.'

It's frustrating.

Ditto.

4 months post recycle and ive still only met a few select people IRL who can even grasp the concept. The rest is just useless banter that only seems to invalidate my experience.

Thats why i usually just stick to talking about it on here and with my T or P.

Its just hard those days where i could use someones physical presence to just be there for me and i dont have an appointment.

On those days i feel so alone. 

On those days i usually reach out to her to only feel that much more lonely even when she responds... torture.

In my head its the "what have i got to lose mentality."

Quite simply. My sanity.

I'm always glad to read I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of drama.

I hate the people who tell me to 'just move on'... .'you're much better off this way' etcetera.

But explaining to people that it's like I'm in mourning because I lost the husband that I loved, does trigger some sort of support ("yes, sad, but you have to move on... .". Some understand, some don't. The few people that fully understand, are the ones who have had the same BPD b/u experience.

Wow, that's really sad.  So disappointing when you feel afraid to open up and when you finally do you are shot down like that!  I can relate.  My best friend of 20 yrs got really p*ssed when I recycled with my exh after we had split the first time, threatened it might end our friendship... .I stood my ground with her, told her I needed to see if I could reconcile my marriage, it was my life.  Two mths later we split again for good and she decided to take that time to dump me as a friend!  The time in my life that I needed her the most!  So not only am I mourning the loss of my marriage but the loss of my longest, oldest friend.  I get what you mean about not wanting friends anymore!

I'm sorry your friend abandoned you when you needed her the most. I also struggled a lot to open up to my therapist and when I finally did, she wrote me off and minimized everything and insulted me. It was so hard to overcome my shame enough to open up, but then to have to deal with that, argh. I find that the stigma associated with being a broken, needy, helpless and weak man is so pervasive that pretty much everywhere I go it is not sympathized with. And then to top it off the whole BPD thing makes it even harder for people to get. I just don't know where to turn really. Here probably helps the most. But I've been here for like three years now and I'm still really broken and feel constantly overwhelmed and alone.

Were you able to find another T?  That is awful when your T doesn't validate you, that is their job!  I hope you kept (or keep) shopping for another one as I have had a few and finally was able to find someone who is awesome and totally validates me, like no one else has been able to.  It has meant a world of difference in my recovery.

That's great that you found one like that, I think a lot of times that's hard to find. Well, I saw my new therapist once, so far I really like him, hope it works out.

I really dont tell anyone anything anymore. My friends know and saw me slowly dying inside. Everyone she knows, including the Volleyball parents, im sure have been told that i was the worst BF and that she did all she can, same story told to me about her ex husband. Im not going to fight it. She already looks like an ass by showing up with me one week and the next week with another guy.

Glad to see you embracing your anger building. It was a critical step I struggled a lot with.

Yeah I'm glad I am too! This is BS!

The cute demure pouty face is their greatest asset. They know how to work it. It's the wolf in sheeps clothing. I felt smitten by the devil.

I dealt with the same issues of people thinking I'm crazy when I describe my uBPDxw's actions (Lies, manipulation, abandoning kids, cheating, victimhood, abandoning her Mom, etc, etc, etc). They always come back with the same questions... .… Why would she do this? Why would she do that? Why? Why? Why? I want to scream at the top of my lungs… Because she is BPD! But they wouldn't understand.

In defense of the non/non's  :) that don't believe me and are invalidating me when I share my stories I just have to look into the mirror and realize I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't experienced it first hand. I fell for all the BPD smoke and mirrors and was a willing victim because I was innocent and had no knowledge of pwBPD or personality disorders. Most of the NON's we talk to have no knowledge either and are as blind as we once were. Thank God for BPD family because the education I'm receiving here will keep me from making the same mistake twice.

I hope everyone on this thread finds a safe person that they can talk to and is validating. It's so important in your healing.

Peace... .MWC *)

I don't really blame them. It's just god damned lonely and frustrating being abused and having people not understand. Also, I'm so broken, that I need tons of therapy. And if I can't find a therapists who is understanding and empathizes, my recovery is going to be very difficult. I too am grateful for the education and support BPD Family has given me. If I had money, I'd donate! Maybe some day I will.

Yes, won't we be much more empathetic to people with all this education?  I know I look back and remember a friend in an abusive r/s and I couldn't understand why she just didn't get out!  Now I understand.  It's helped me also with my next door neighbour who's grandson is abusive and I've had to call the cops a few times on him... .the cops get so frustrated that she keeps letting him come back and I do too but I also understand.  It's the cycle. 

It took me awhile to admit that at 51, I was in an abusive relationship. Swallowed the pride and did so.

This is so true. My family and friends said that there is no way she could have done all of those things. My friends just said Dude, she's not that into you, or what did you do to provoke it, or she's playing you. My therapist was ready to write me scripts for Xanax and some Anti-psychotic, when all of a sudden he paused and grabbed his copy of the DSM-V, opened it to a page and had me read a section. :light: :light: BINGO! :light: :light: I felt like I was being Punk'd - Did the author of this book personally know my uxBPDgf? I looked up after reading a section called Borderline Personality Disorder and said,

as he lifted an eyebrow, YEP that's her. He said "just take the Xanax script instead"

Exactly.  What we need coming out of these relationships is validation, compassion and empathy, because we were usually getting the opposite in them.  And folks don't need to understand especially, as long as they give us those; it can be a long way back to sanity after being emotionally enmeshed with a mental illness, but the good news is there are plenty of really good, grounded people in the world, and we don't need to do it alone, in fact we weren't meant to, that's how we heal, in relation to others.

I'm a non dating a non with a uBPDxw.  When I met my SO he was separated (took 2 years for the divorce to be final) and on our first date we broke all the rules of convention and talked about our marriages and why we left. Both of us had been married almost 20 years... .MTV and big hair were the way to go the last time he and I had been on a date!  :)

He and I were both the leavers in our marriages.  He did not know about BPD at that time and neither did I.  Maybe it was easy for me to believe him because he had already left his marriage but I believed every crazy story he told me.  Maybe I believed because I was in a co-dependent alcoholic marriage and had my own stories to tell.  Maybe it was because this man was so sweet, earnest and honest but whatever it was,  I did believe him and very shortly there after I really began to understand what he was dealing with. I will say it takes some time to  fully catch on I remember asking "why" a lot.  "Why" won't she take your daughter to the dentist?  "Why" is she having your daughter call instead of calling herself?  "Why" does she lie about everything?  "Why" doesn't she have a driver's license and a car?  "Why" doesn't she have a job?  "Why" would someone rent a townhouse to her? I could just go on forever... .

On our first date to impress me my honey made a spur of the moment donation to Planned Parenthood.  That donation which supported a good cause, and showed me that this man could be generous (and liked me) and then we had a third entertaining moment about a month later.  :)uring the separation my SO had to provide his financial information to the ex and on it was the Planned Parenthood donation for $25.  She sees this and calls him asking what it was for?  :)id she need to be tested for something?  The jumping right to (in her mind) "you've infected me with a sexually transmitted disease"  (He hadn't had sex with her in months and hadn't had sex with me yet) was one of the first weird things I personally witnessed.

But in quick succession I saw how she was both alienating the children from him and using them as weapons.  There were ridiculous amounts of phone calls all day everyday... .email wars... .accusations of child abuse... .wanting to get together to discuss things over coffee only to not show up or be abusive... .sabotaging medical and dental care for his daughters... .LIES all the time and lots of drama, she was not rational.  (Now I know my SO's ex was dysregulated and he was in the middle of a huge Extinction Burst)

My honey thought his ex was narcissistic he was on track... .I Googled chronic lying and came across BPD... .BINGO we had a name for her problem.  We started reading and developing new strategies to deal with her and found our way to the BPD Family about 6 months ago.  |iiii

My SO's dad was on to the uBPDxw from the get go and his mom was actually told by a friend of hers and co-worker of the uBPDxw that my SO should stay away from her that she was "evil".  So his parents knowing that they weren't going to change my honey's mind about her just watched and supported him. Ultimately his parents were catalysts in his decision to leave his marriage.

I think I understood why he stayed with his uBPDex as long as he had because I had my reasons for staying with my alcoholic husband for as long as I did.  I also really liked this man and now love this man and really wanted to understand and support him.

So maybe the title of this thread should read "Most people who have not been with a Borderline simply don't understand, how can we help our friends and family get it?"

Has anyone offered the "Walking on Egg Shells" book to a close friend or family member to read?  Or "The Borderline Mother" or any other book or article about BPD to someone close read? Sometimes it's just really hard to explain what BPD is, that there is a behavior pattern, that there are DSM criteria... .etc.  So a reference might be helpful for your support network.

I know for me I can be more articulate when I write so maybe write a letter or email to someone.  

Or maybe that friend just isn't good with or comfortable discussing any "relationship stuff" BPD or otherwise.  

But I will say "friends" that reject you because you make a decision they don't like are not your "friends".

Don't give up on us non's either we do care about you!