BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I believe that my spouse has BPD.  She changes moods quickly.  When she is angry, it is severe.  I am very happy that I discovered this site.  I want someone to talk to, to get ideas.  Right now, it is 3 days before Thanksgiving and she talks to me at night after work and during the days when I am at work she becomes quiet,  has yet to take my phone calls or respond to them.  I think that her silence is "tag, you're it", performing acts - cold shoulder - and in the past I would have reciprocated with my cold shoulder, and therefore "I am "it", and then go and try to tag her.    I have changed; now I call continue to call her every 4 or 5 hours and leave a message so she knows that I love her and that I am the same with or without her cold shoulder. 

What does anyone think about this?    What do you suggest that I do or do not do?

Hello, caregiver &  *welcome*


I think you are doing the right thing, actually  |iiii

In our relationships with our loved ones--BPD or not, really--when things are complicated and stressful and hurtful, we can't change them in any way. We can however, change ourselves and the way we deal with them... .and when we do that, they in turn will react differently to us, oftentimes making things better. You've taken a first step by extricating yourself from the tangle of hurting each other, distancing yourself from your own hurt feelings and detaching from the conflict. That's good  *)

In order to continue learning about your wife's disorder, gaining a better understanding of how her mind works and what you can do to communicate and deal with her better, I suggest you check out every one of the links to the right-hand side of this page, paying special attention to Tools: Communication, Validation, and reinforcement of good behavior (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190) so you can continue to put a plan in place to see if you can make the relationship better.

You are in the right place, caregiver, for the support and insights you are looking for. Keep reading all you can, and telling us your story and asking your questions... .We want to help 

I think similar has worked for me.  She may want nothing to do with me, and I might be tired of the drama, yet me completely avoiding her makes things worse.  But I want to avoid her, because I need a break, and I feel hurt.  Following suggestions on here and from our counselor, I have tried staying present, and periodically making gestures to let her know I haven't gone away.  So, I may ask her if she needs a glass of water or something to drink.  Or I may send a text message just checking in.  And I use her response to feel out if she is receptive to more communication. 

Thank you everyone.   I am very happy when I found this site.   Someone else said and I agree:  "I felt the same amazement as Tarzan might have felt walking out of the jungle and seeing humans."