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I've been though hell. I literally feel as though I've walked through the fire. I can't imagine that there could be a more painful life situation I could find myself in.

I went NC on my birthday a little over 5 months ago. That first month I lost 20 pounds, couldn't sleep more than 2-3 hours and had a nervous breakdown. Month 2-3 I was a walking zombie. Sleep, eat (a little), read 5 hours or more a day about BPD, journal, emote to friends and family and visit T was all I could get myself to do.

Month 4, I went on a month long trip to visit friends in Northern CA. This was the turning point for my recovery. I was able to step out of my life and be somewhere new. I forced myself out of my pattern of grief and stepped from one unknown to another. It was scary as hell. But I knew I needed to move forward, so I jumped.

While on my trip I left most of my story back home. I didn't talk much about what had happened to me. Although I definitely carried it with me, but I refused for it to be a burden. I learned how to limit the amount of thought and energy I would put into what had happen in the past. I decided it was time to begin to let go of my xw. I did a ceremony to acknowledge her "death" right before I left on my trip. And from there I moved forward with that realization in mind. She no longer controls my life and headspace. It's my life now and the one I once loved is gone forever never to return. I made the choice to sever ties. I constantly made myself remember this. I became my own protector. That gave me a tremendous amount of my power back.

I am becoming a stronger person because of what I'm going through. I see that now. I'm embracing this transformation fully.

I'm back home from my trip now. My recovery process is starting to slow down a bit but I feel I've crossed a threshold.

I'm learning a tremendous amount about myself through this process of grieving. I'm by no means 100% better. On the contrary, I'm still working hard to keep my head up and move forward as best I can. Some days are better than others. I seem to go through grief cycles. A couple days were I feel great and look forward to what my new life has in store. And some days all I want to do is isolate and read or watch movies. Each month that goes by my pain seems to subside and the grief and shock lessens. I still have ptsd that's for certain. It sneaks up when I least expect it. I'm working to overcome this but seems a slow process.

The reason I'm writing this is because when I was on my first month after being left by xw for the replacement I felt like I would die. I think it was a death of sorts. I know it helped me to hear from others about how their healing process progressed from extreme grief, to a feeling of freedom and relief. So I thought I would share mine. Maybe it will help someone who's suffering like I was.

I'm sure there are a lot of people on here that are going through the beginning stages of separation. I just want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. All it takes to get there is to decide to take control of your life. That begins by taking control of the situation first. And the best way I see to do this is completely shut the BPDx out of your life and don't allow yourself to turn back. Of course you have to look back to process all that's happened. But you don't need them in your life to do this. On the contrary, you need them out of your life to process what happened over the course of you relationship. Without them twisting things around. If they're in your life in any way, they're in control of you, your emotions and the way you will view how things went down. We need time to clear our heads and freedom to step back and take a breath. To gather our wits and proceed forward into a new life free of drama and abuse.

I was with xw for 11 years, spending little time apart. She was my best friend (and at times worst enemy). Something inside of me was torn out in the harshest of ways when she left. I loved her deeply and was totally committed to her. One day I was the most wonderful thing in her life and she couldn't live without me and the next, I was painted black and replaced. Just like that. After all I went through with her and all I did for her. I was ruthlessly discarded like I meant nothing.

I look back on how I handled the situation and am thankful for taking the leap into the unknown. I went NC as soon as I realized I could no longer could trust this person. I found my protector and teamed up with this inner force. And I never turned back. I fought my desire to respond to her hurtful/accusatory emails and her aggressive phone/text messages. I fought myself not to look at her social media. I never asked any of our mutual friends how she was doing and told them from the very beginning I wanted to know nothing of her. I just went silent.

It was a hard pill to swallow. But I chocked it down and made a pact with myself; whatever may come, hold to your integrity. It was all I felt I had left to hold onto at the time. The one thing she could never take from me.

The sweetest justice is the one where you don't get involved in dishing it out. Want revenge? Show a BPD what it means to have a boundary that can't be budged. Cut them out of your life. That sends the clearest of messages that can't be construed. And to boot, you'll get your life back. Can't ask for more than that 

I wish you all the best in your recovery