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I am at my wits end and am waiting for a new year so I can start fresh. This year started out with a Vacation from Hell, because of my dBPD husband followed by my husband getting arrested, spending 5 months in jail, my debit card getting stolen twice, my father going into the hospital from almost drinking himself to death. But he has his drinking under control now  . So now my husband is waiting for sentencing, he is out with me but is absolutely miserable and cannot keep his mind off of what is to come. I cannot keep my mind off what is to come. I could Potentially lose my husband on December 22nd. He has been talking about suicide a lot, keeps wanting to move to another state (warmer climate) when it's not even possible. He's going to therapy and taking medication, if he weren't he would probably have ended his life by now. He's taken to spending $ as a distraction, when we cannot afford to spend anything. I just feel exhausted and there is still 21 days left until D day including Christmas with the Family, which is a trigger anyways for him without all this other junk filling his mind with worries.

How do you deal with life when a normal person would be a basket case in this instance?

First of all, I am so sorry about what you are going through. I have been through some pretty tough times, too.

I think we all do the best we can. One day at a time, one minute at a time. I stay strong because I need to. I do not know if you are religious or not, but I always remember the phrase, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".

My attitude is "I will not go out like a B*****". Throw what you want at me, do what you will world. I'm a survivor.

  Cloudy Days

It is a lot to go through. I remember your postings when he went to jail. I hope 2015 is better for you.

This quote brings to mind the next sentence I've heard after it!


"... .apparently, God thinks I'm a bad@ss."

I sometimes get a chuckle out of that one.

My Grandmother has a saying that it can never get so bad that it can't get worse... .lol I laugh because it's a terrible saying, but it's true. Apparently God thinks I'm a badass as well. This has been the worst year of my life, I never thought I would ever go through the crap that I have been through. I am truly afraid that my husband will end his life. He doesn't talk to me though so it's not like he is going to give me a heads up on if he is actually seriously thinking about it. His family is filled with people who have took their own life. My husband took a plea deal that I didn't really agree with. It was for time served, But from reading on the internet, which my husband tends to obsess over, we have read with the Federal government their are no plea deals. They do what they want, and the deal he made is not set in stone, they can sentence him for up to 5 years in prison and he cannot take his plea back. I am truly scared for him, and he being Borderline obviously does not have room for anyone's feelings but his own. Which means I am suppose to be supportive and have all the right answers and not fall apart. To him I am not allowed to act human. I am just as scared as he is. I honestly see him pushing me away everyday because he thinks he is going to prison and he wants to make it easier to let me go if he does get sent away for a long time. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in a month.

  Wishing you peace.

I hope you can find it a little bit encouraging that you HAVE survived this year so far, even though it has been the worst ever. Solid proof that you are stronger than you knew a year ago.

I think it's just dealing with the emotion of not knowing what is going to happen. My husband has made it clear to me that he isn't going to stay with me if he gets sentenced to a long time in jail because it's too hard to do time with someone you love on the outside. So what happens in 20 days, decides our relationship. If he actually did the crime he is being sentenced for then maybe it would be easier to swallow. Like I said I don't feel he should have taken the deal, he did it so he could get out quickly. Now that he is out all he can think about is the possibility of going back in. I could be alone on Christmas day, obviously I would have family but who wants to be around people when something that big happens. All I can do is take it one day at a time. My only hope is that the judge has some kind of heart and some Christmas spirit to allow my husband to stay out. Probation, ankle bracelet, whatever it has to be.

What really saddens me is that he is taking medication, I have not seen him Rage since he has been on it, we have been able to talk about serious issues, he has been more stable in these 3 months than he has for most of our relationship. He is depressed but who wouldn't be. Just when he found an answer to some of his problems, it could be taken away and made worse. I know I have been through a lot but I feel the worst is yet to come.  

 That's tough, especially the uncertainty.

It also isn't as certain as you make it out to be. Most pwBPD are very capable of changing their minds so fast it makes our heads spin. What your H will actually do if he is sentenced may not be what he says he will do ahead of time.


What you want in your life for 2015?

This isn't something he has changed his mind on, he has said this from day one. He's more serious about this than anything I have seen. I know he could change his mind. I don't really want to be visiting my husband in Prison but I will if I have to. I am too worried about the next 20 days to care about 2015. So much is up in the air at this point. We wanted to buy a home, not sure if that is going to happen. He is on disability due to his mental problems but he actually knows how to fix up houses so we wanted to fix a house up and sell it so we can afford the kind of house we actually want. We can't do anything at this point, our lives are on stand still. If he gets time, I haven't really decided what I will do. He is the center of my life, so it's kind of hard to imagine it without him. If he gets probation, we will buy a house like we planned on before any of this happened.

That was always my thought when I hear that phrase, God must think I'm a freaking BadA-- lol

Uncertainty is definitely the worse for me, too. May I ask how long he's looking at?

Cloudy Days,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.  Its been a tough old year, girl!

Concur with Grey Kitty... .you are definitely a Bad *ss!

I had the year from hell in 2008.  I actually went through a lot of similar things with my husband (er uh, ex husband now) but I did the whole BPD... .might spend his life in jail thing.  In my husband's case, it was life... .not 5 yrs.  My coping mechanisms at the time were really unhealthy.  Reviewing the same information over and over.  Obsessively researching stuff... .and chewing down tranquilizers like they were the only way to survive (true confessions).  You are much healthier today then I was then. 

I made it through by never getting too far ahead of myself.  I lived each day, one day at a time... .I forced myself to stop dealing with what ifs.  It worked ok some days and not so ok others.

My mom always says "God writes straight with crooked lines."

The internal strength generated going through what I went through - well it made me a lot better.  Without it I would still be sliding around feeding my own dysfunction instead of living a reasonably healthy, happy life.

I know none of this probably helps... .

But we are here for you anyway.

Thanks Allibaba, You have been a peach :)

He is looking at time served all the way up to 5 years. His deal was for time served. But the way they do things with the Federal system is they look at everything, your background, which isn't a good thing for him, your family history, your financial history, they did the entire mental evaluation on him. These people want to know absolutely everything about you before you are sentenced and they take it into account before they sentence you. There is also a points system, that we don't get to know the number until a psi report is written. So basically he blindly took a deal that could turn out terrible for him or it could turn out good. I doubt he gets 5 years, but any amount of time I honestly feel would be detrimental to his mental health and cause him to go backwards in treatment. We are hoping for probation, time served seems to be a lost cause but probation could happen and if he messes up he automatically does 2 years. My thoughts are give him a chance to prove he can stay out of jail. The federal prosecutor can't ask for any more time, so his fate is in the hands of the judge, they can do whatever they want as long as it is in the guidelines. 19 days left to D day. My husband is getting through by taking tranquilizers and sleeping as much as he can, I am thankful his doctor gave them to him or he probably wouldn't sleep at all.

Just got a call that his PSI report came back with an 8 point enhancement, which means it's more likely he will go to jail for 48 months, not going to be a good day

wow so sorry hun :*( *hugs*

We went and seen the lawyer yesterday and the Therapist. My biggest fear is that he will give up on therapy, which will make him look worse to the judge. His lawyer is trying to get the 8 points off of this report, we will see if it happens. I am not giving up, his therapists are going to be at the hearing to speak for him and the damage that jail time would do to him. It was an emotional day, I think he is handling it better than I expected though. They did extend his date so at least I know he will be with me for Christmas. I have to be Thankful for something right?

One day at a time sweetie, you don't really know anything yet. Wheels of fortune can change. <3