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Me and my exuBPD were together for 16 months. In the first 1-2 months... I heard a LOT of bad things about her ex. Even Personal things that she would laugh at him for. However... around the 4 month mark to the end of the relationship, she would randomly mention him in a positive light. Talk about things they did just her and him, or with a group of friends. She also HATED his new girlfriend. Would often talk about how she didn't think that she was pretty. She also had a very expensive mixer that he bought her. She never used it or ever even opened it. It was like she kept it as a prize. She would often mention how expensive it was. Is this weird or normal behaviour for a BPD? It makes me thing I'm being smeared to her new supply right now, but eventually she will start talking about me in a positive way.

You just wrote a lot of my story. When we first got together he was the worst, but over time he wasn't and I ended up with the job. Strange ducks they are.

I ended up talking to her ex. I asked him if she was always depressed and impossible to keep happy. He said, "yep, that's her... I'm telling you man, she isn't worth it. she will do things behind your back" He said he texted her about 4-5 times while her and I were together. But he had moved on into a normal relationship. Told me to run away and be happy she is gone.

Same exact drill here.  He was some sort of demon at the start but towards the end that became my role and he was somewhat forgiven. I wonder what lies and stuff were told about me. I also wonder how she explained "hanging out" with me again a few months later.  There were certainly some confused looks when I walked into her flat.

It seems like the whole cycle of painting black.  Once she paints the new supply black, the ex becomes white again. Did you recycle with your ex?

Semi recycle.  Became "friends" but that line was very blurry,  we slept together a couple of times and certainly were emotionally involved again, she was still with my replacement but I think she was trying to set me up as a replacement for my replacement.  Not really sure because after a few weeks of trying to figure out what the hell she wanted out of me I realised the situation was such a huge mess there was no way it was going to end well and did a runner.

Looking back it all makes sense. When she lived in her house she pointed out things her ex had done house wise. One was he had wired in surround sound in the living room. He did it by plastering the wires into the wall, which I thought was half assed . But now looking at all the little chores she wanted me to do I imagine he just wanted her off his butt. She actually came home from work with a list of things I needed to do to make her happy. Which at that point in the relationship I promptly blew off. I think they were tests to prove my love, or just a control thing.

Probably both. Sometimes I think she mentioned the expensive mixer to see if it would prompt me into buying her things. Everytime  I bought her something she would say,  "I will pay you back". But she never did.

In the year and and a half with her she got thousands in jewelry from me. She acted as if it was no big deal. Ya know what I got?  A card and a drag racing magazine for my birthday and a whole lot of misery. It was always about her. She's BPD with a bunch of NPD

Think mine did things the wrong way around. When I first met him he assured me he would never say a bad word about the ex who was his childs mother, that they'd just 'grown apart and had nothing in common except their child.' Having said that I did detect odd comments and I suspect it was more a case of wanting to keep me in the dark re what really happened. At the same time he took every opportunity to devalue my childs father, who he'd never actually met.

Fast forward 6yrs to a brief attempt at 'friendship' which was a recycle attempt, and he was calling her the worst mother in the world and bringing up every other ex he'd ever slept with and claiming that HE ended them all. Every time I commented on a negative comment he'd made about them he would try and flip it around to me having the wrong idea and what a lovely girl each of them were, but clearly not good enough for him, lol. He even told me one of them offered to pay him to continue having sex with her... .And yet he'd told me he just left and never contacted her again when she got another cat. So I wonder when they had the convo re paid sex if by his own admission he walked away without discussion.

And 6yrs later he was still ranting about my childs father, and having a hissy fit if I dared to mention any relationship in the 6yrs since I broke up with him. With hindsight I think he was allowed to discuss his as a way to make me realise just how lucky I was that he chose ME! Lol, 3 meets in and I left again, yuk!

I really don't care what has been said or being said about me. The truth always comes out. She had me conned into thinking her ex was a jerk, I think he probably wasn't now. The new replacement will figure that out in time. Every ex she had was a jerk   .

Mine spoke poorly about all of her exes.  Huge red flag that I ignored.  I should have realized that I would eventually be painted with the same brush.  She described them all as horrible people, and honestly made me feel that no guy had ever treated her well in her life.  So of course, I tried really hard to be the guy that always treated her well -- but she was never satisfied with anything I did for her.  

Eventually she started blaming me for everything that went wrong in her life.  

Another huge red flag that I ignored:

She told me wildly inappropriate things about people she cared about on our second date.  For example, she told me that her 25-year-old brother was still a virgin, and kind of laughed about it.  I let that slide, but I really shouldn't have, because that was a huge indicator of her character.  

All the dirty little secrets were to suck us in. All part of the disorder they have. Mine actually told me things about herself. Like after she had one baby out of wedlock she got pregnant again and had an abortion. Her reasoning according to her was she didn't think God would do that to her twice. Give me a break ! And she believed it. Always the victim.

She would tell me that the majority of the men in her life would eventually walk away because she was a commitment-phobe. This is back when we just used to be co-workers and friends. At the time, I was like... .yeah, whatever.

As we got more romantically involved, all of a sudden she started talking about the guy she was seeing in a negative light. She needed to end things because it wasn't going to go anywhere. She told him about me. She painted him black and I was the new savior. 3-4 months later, she saw him again, at a time where we weren't doing so well.

In hindsight, all classic signs. At the time, I had NO idea what I was up against. I'm pretty sure, neither did any of the ex's.

Yes, I got all the gory details about all his exes, and whilst I didn't feel comfortable with this, I encouraged him and listened to him, as I somehow recall feeling that he needed to talk it all out!  And so I had to hear stuff I wished I had never heard.  Really bad stuff.

Like how the one ex would go off and sleep with other men and then same day come back to him.  What her sex drive was like, etc.

And then about his previous wife:  how she would irritate him so he would slip her a heavy sleeping tablet, telling her it was aspirin for her headache.  And she would wake up confused and not know why she slept for so long. 

I mean, this stuff was all very dysfunctional and BAD.  And I thought he would treat me any differently?  How long would it have been, before he would slip me some or other pill to knock me out so that he would be able to go off and do whatever he felt like?

Oh, and yes, towards the end of our relationship, he did start reminiscing about his   exes, especially the one that sounded like the craziest of the bunch.  How they would not have money, but what money they had they knew how to blow it to live life to the full and enjoy the moment fully and not worry about tomorrow.  Unlike me, as I always worry too much about tomorrow... .!

It's still such an eye opener for me when I reflect on the bizarre 12 months I spent with this man... .

Same here. I was the first guy after her separation /divorce so I heard it all. One flag that I ignored was the fact she was still stalking him on FB and Instagram. When I mentioned it to her and said that maybe it wasnt such a good idea (she would go bat ___ crazy over who he was with and where or what he was doing) she blew up on me saying that shes doing it to keep track of what hes spending and who he is with because of alimony issues and she didnt want the kids around bad people. Should have beat it then, but I actually went along with it. The funny part was that she accused me of not being over my ex-wife when she raged at me when she dumped me... .lol.

Mine talked a lot about his ex'es, but mostly in a dreamy, sentimental way. His love for his lost girlfriends never dies, he said. He would always love them (us). He had written songs about some of them, and he sometimes sang these songs for me. I didn't feel comfortable with that, but I didn't react to it. He also wrote a song about me. Women in general just captivated him from he was a little boy, he said, and they always will. He also told me that he was violent to most of them. They all left him. So did I.

Yes, my story is very similar to what many have already mentioned.   Her ex was a loser at first then as time went by, he wasn't so bad.  She also mentioned that they were close to marriage but when she decided she wanted to marry me, she suddenly never was interested in marrying her ex.  Then after we were married, she actually sent him a note saying congrats to him on his own engagement.  Nuts.  Now I'm on the outs.  So I guess the next lucky guy is going to have to pass the kid test, that's the next logical step, right?

She also cheated on him (as she has done in all of her relationships) but she never really seemed remorseful for it, she actually blamed him.  She was lonely, he was distant so she cheated.  Pretty pathetic actually yet I bought into it. 

Well over a year out, mine warned me that she was still not over her ex (this doesn't count a short term bf she wasn't in love with). When we started having trouble, she contacted him, and she shared some of the conversations, even texting back and forth in front of me, telling me how he looked at my myspace profile and said that he was better looking than me, and why was she with me. Keep in mind that he left her... .

This hurt me so much, but my boundaries were lousy, and I put up with it. It was only after S4 was born that I finally felt her detach from him (i.e., her fantasy idealization of him). I even found a note she wrote on our computer which indicated this. That I was "The One" whom she could be with and could finally trust and let go of her past. The true idealization of me only lasted for about a year (~year 3).

Hi , She talked about him always in a bad light.  He was cheap, and screwed her out of money.  He was gay (he wasn't)

It is always about money , and in fact I heard from her and the last year I was with her, her daughter's dog passed away, which is sad.  I didn't know at the time, but she reveal to me just 3 weeks ago , she was in contact with him even though he lives 1000 miles away, and asked him for money because of the dog.  They were divorce for over 2 years when it happen, and that's not even his daughter, so I think that takes a lot of balls to ask for money, also , yet she was taking back when the last husband told her she cared more about the money then the dog.   I know the second husband, the one she asked was the third, most likely paid the money for the dog, since he helped his daughter 100% with school and the dog in the past.  I think she just wanted money!

It was always money with her.  But I was surprised she contacted him period because she always told me how much she hated him, despised him.  Never admitted to loving him which was odd to me.   MOney rules I guess.  

When i first started with my exBPDgf, she would talk about her last ex boyfriend quite a bit.  Always in a bad light.  I thought her relationship has been terminated with him for many months.  Apparently, things were still in shell-shock for him and he was having a hard time dealing with the loss of the relationship. 

Of course looking back on it all now i realize i was his replacement.  At the time i thought i was the one "true love of her life".  She talked about other ex's as well from time to time.  Mostly in negative tones but still with some glimpses of goodness.  At the end of our relationship i found out she was talking to one of those ex's again (not her last boyfriend).

Yep! All her ex's were a "mistake". They all let her down.

She was quite sketchy with info. I spoke to her ex before me. Needless to say his side was vastly different from hers   His experience was very close to mine apart from him staying with her for a year, her chucking him out on the city streets at 4am and beating him up while he was sleeping, and posting in caps on his fb profile some really personal stuff and then changing his password! He was in intensive therapy for a full year after the relationship.

It seems the same with all BPD scenario's. Fact is, everyone will let them down. They rely so much on others for their needs that it's impossible to keep them happy for any long duration of time. They aren't strong enough to look within themselves and fidn their own strength. Because all the lies within themself is hurt and sadness, so they stay away from that part of themselves.

The couples' counselor I was abandoned to shared with me one thing that she said to him before she quit. He asked her point-blank, ":)o you trust men?" Her response was "No."

3.5 billion people, painted black. Including her own son. 

She loves our son, but I started to pick up on devaluing (male-bashing) comments when she was still living with us. He was 3.

This is a perfect example of how cruel they can be. amazing, isn't it? My ex texted me 4 nights ago just to tell me how much of an "upgrade" her new supply is.

I'm sorry to hear that, Xidion. Mine wasn't that cruel, but she engaged in a not-so-subtle smear campaign on FB against me. Everyone knew whom she was talking about. She was still living with me for months. I blocked her soon after. When she was free, she made sure to paint the new guy (Homewrecker) as being so great as he did x,y,z for her, and that she was so in love. Someone slipped up and told me what she was posting. I re-iterated that I didn't want to know anything and for mutual "friends" (actually, friends of mine she never cleared from her friends list) to not tell me anything. I don't ask, they don't tell.

Turkish, likewise, my NC has gone as far as telling mutual friends that I want nothing to do with her. This includes messages she passes on . Absolutely everything. So far it's been effective and respected by all mutual friends. I'm protecting myself without reservations from her. She will not get near me.

Yes. Mine would at first have nothing to good to say, but after the honeymoon phase "you're just like Ex" "I can't deal with another" then slowly I'd notice nice comments not like overtly nice, but just non-negative comments and when I'd be like HUH? She'd get defensive about it actually sticking up for him. I think I called the guy a loser one time and she said he wasn't. So yes as I got deeper in the black he wasn't favorable by any means but as much as I was trying it hurt because you're like I may be a lot of things but I'm not all those bad things she said about him lol.

She recently was set off by something someone put up about me on a social media site and in-front of 3000+ people who could see it "maybe he'll be famous one day", "he's not the one for me, lol good luck getting a girlfriend again", "I'm done whatever bye", "tries to buy love" <- which was the most absurd comment ever because you'd think if I was purchasing love I'd find someone who'd be nice to me lol but thats I'm sure how she justifies the INSANE level of gifts she got.

Much like Turkish I'm better off knowing NOTHING, but she seems to think I wanna know EVERYTHING. I only told people to let me know if she's getting physically abused. Then I'll deal with it.  I'm sure there is a big smear campaign against me, but I think lots of people know better not that I was perfect.

The bolded parts are just like my exbf. He talked a lot about his ex-girlfriends and ex-wives, especially one who was obviously very special to him. (He compared me to her a lot.) Mostly it was in a sentimental way; sometimes just recounting stories, usually positive or neutral. He had some animosity towards his first ex-wife, but other than that he wasn't often negative about his exes. He did show me nude pictures of his "special" ex, which was a bit awkward.

He had the same sort of outlook on women, too. He was just fascinated by women, loved women, thought women were these fantastical, magical creatures... .whom he also wanted to break, control, and abuse.

The worst part of it, looking back, were all the comparisons -- direct and indirect, good and bad and indifferent. Two years of that really did something to my psyche.

Mine was quite guarded about all her previous relationships.

When I asked if she was still friends with any of them, she said it was a mix of friendships and no-ways. Although I never really saw any example of the friendships that she said existed.

She never articulated what had happened in any of them re why they didn't work or who called it off.

She dropped a few negative comments about her last ex, but then she dropped negative comments about just about everything. Her comments weren't scathing - just observations about things like 'she was disorganised'. That was all.

She never told me she had BPD, but there were lots of hints and obivous signs. I guess knowing what I know now, the BPD was probably the cause of all the previous break-ups which would explain her hesitation in talking about it.

I was painted white months ago.  When were together, I heard about the exes all the time... .good and bad stuff.  I have to think my replacement must be tired of hearing about me.

In month 2/4 while she was still living with me, I asked her what she was saying about me to him. She replied, "to be honest, we don't talk about you much." I felt kind of insulted, lol.

Thats one thing I never said but often thought was geez I don't care what he did because it was constant good or bad. So I can only imagine what it'll be like for the replacement lol.


could it have been still during the honeymoon phase?

Still in it as far as I can tell, though I can tell her depression's been triggered lately. Though I'm sure they spend as much time together as possible, they still don't live together, 9 months after her being out. That changes everything. Being an accessory hanging out with the kids and her a few days per week isn't helping take care of them either. I foresee this r/s lasting for a while if they don't live together. She's aware of her issues and trying hard. The hard thing for me to accept is that if he keeps soothing her, it makes things easier on the kids and also me, as much as I want them to break up and she move on to "anybody but the homewrecker."

I feel like I'm being tested   

Yeah I didn't hear much about him that early on. Occasionally but he came up more and more in good light as it got bad... I'm sure once it goes bad he'll hear about you

Thats the one thing being here doesn't help lol knowing they can attach for YEARS if need be. If it was every few months like clockwork I'd be far more cool with it, but knowing this replacement could make it much longer than me... .That bothers me a bit.

Oh and you have my sympathy as good a boy as I think I am, I don't think I could do what you're doing.

This is something I have been wondering about. Does living together speed up the devaluing process quicker. My ex gf said before we broke up "we should never of moved in I was happy just f ing you" I know realise that keeping the mask on must have been tireing for her. But on the other hand does not being around increase their abandonment fears?

I think it really does. We had some rifts before she moved in but nothing like what happened after she was here.

1 year and 4 moths with my exuBPD... .we had some rocky times, but it wasnt until we moved in until things got REAL bad. That's when they see all the things you do and can really start to devalue you. You are no longer their idealized image... you're just a normal person with some bad habits that they ALWAYS find in you. I hope my exuBPD moves in with her new supply fast so she starts contacting me again and i can tell her to shove it.

Mine too showed me a nude photo of his ex. His walls were covered with photos, and among them photos of his ex'es (not nude). He talked about them as if he had never really let go of them. He said that his ex'es, his current and potential female friends and female idols etc. were his flower meadow. So now he has probably added my image (not me, I'm out) to his meadow. And sooner or later he will pick another "flower" to control and abuse. Wish I could warn that "flower".

Mine did move in with my replacement. Living in his motor home. Going to make sulking in the bedroom kinda tough. I bet that's a real love nest. If their even still together.

Yes, she bored me with tales of her exes all the time, it used to make me quite angry in the beginning, I am not interested in the family history of her exes but she'd tell me every boring detail of these peoples lives whom I'd never met. I dont understand why she spoke to me about it all the time and I never responded so she was just having conversations with herself.

Our exes sound eerily similar in personality, harbour. I wish I could warn mine's current/next victim, too.


My exBPDbf didn't do this, but I had a previous ex (later diagnosed BPD) who did. Sometimes it was like he had nothing else to talk about except the life histories of people he'd banged. At one point I asked him to stop talking about them, and he teased me about being jealous, and I said, "I'm not jealous, I just don't care." That went over well.  

^

Thats why I'd just nod and try to switch the topic, I knew no good could come of saying I don't care lol.

Yeah my ex talked about her exs in her mind it seemed like they were dysfunctional family members. The ones that didn't really love her were like brothers and sisters and the ones that did were like parental figures.

He only spoke negatively about one of his exes (the most recent one) From the things he'd told me about her, she didn't sound like the most emotionally stable person herself... .and other than distorting reality (which I know some people look at as a lie) I don't believe he's ever lied to me... .call me naive but that was one thing I felt was strong between us the entire time. I think she was probably immature and maybe even had her own mental issues. I imagine when they argued she gave all the yelling, devaluing, belittling, and name calling right back to him... .which I imagine made relationship even more dysfunctional and tumultuous. I think she challenged him more, talked back, let her anger get away from her. Things that I rarely did. Knowing what I know now, I'm sure he had a lot more to do with the failed relationship than he realized at the time. Towards the end he even admitted the very same thing to me. These moments of clarity with him are what really blows my mind in trying to figure out his irrational side.

He didn't speak poorly about any of his other exes. He did say that he was always the one broken up with except for one instance in which he realized he was never in love with the girl. He always told me (even while splitting me black) that he'd never leave me because he doesn't give up on things. While I believed it was sad but true that he would never leave me the rest of the statement was a guilt trip ('I'll never give up on you, but you would give up on me... .'

It's all part of their" I'm a poor victim" brainwashing that they give us. It plays on our need to rescue and our sympathy. And also builds trust in us for them sharing something so intimate. Plus never is anything their fault.

same here

I realise this is off topic... .

I never had ANY intention of moving in with mine, nor for her with me. She had her own well established place (owned with her ex for 6 years before they split), and I had just bought my own house. I will not move in with anyone unless we've gone out for at least 2 years, and now I have my own place again, I might never do that.

Having my own place I think stopped me becoming a complete basket case - at least I got three nights a week alone. I hate to think what it would have been like had we lived together.

Her mask only came off when she was at home, with me. Everyone else got the charmer face and personality. I can only imagine from some of the stories on here how awful that might have been  - a 24/7 opportunity to criticise, belittle and rage more. No thanks.  

I dont think its off topic. She had her own house (she had 5 kids) that was in foreclosure. It became a sticking point with us because I wanted to help her try and find a new place within the same school district and such. She would get so damn angry at me for trying to help. Seems like she tried her best to ignore the problem. Living with me wasnt an option as my house had only 3 beds and, frankly wouldnt have accomadated 7 kids(I have 2, one in college, one in HS still living with me). I couldnt sell my place because of my HS kid and, of course, the economy for the housing market. As our r/s progressed, we did talk about moving in with each other, but that was way down the line, like when my daughter and son graduate and her eldest graduated. We are talking some 3 years until that would happen. Of course, the fact that I had kids still living with me, lawn to mow, house to clean, pool to maintain etc. cut into her time with me and she didnt like that either. Kept saying how I avoided her. Her schedule was craptastic with volleyball practice, all weekend tournaments, travel soccer schedules of her kids, but yet, my house and kids were the issue.

Thank god I had my own house to come home to when the devaluation began in earnest.  Another issue was that I never stayed overnight. I felt it disrespectful to her kids and mine that some dude would be waking up in her bed. 3 of her kids were kid of young still, so they spent alot of time in her bed with her in the evening. I did stay over, but left early so the kids wouldnt see me. I mean, I know its nothing, but its my sense of honor in it all. I didnt think it was appropriate yet. When the kids were gone, no problem. I stayed until morning, went to my house 4 blocks away, showered up and came back and we would go to breakfest or something. Funny, she made such an issue of me not staying over, but yet, she wouldnt stay at mine. Funny how that worked out. Do as I say, not as I do.

Deeno a very similar situation to me. When we eventually moved in together it was amazing how quick my kids became a problem to her as they took attention from her. She would organise parties for friday evening when she knew I would be travelling for hours to get my boys. She would then blame me for never helping or organising not to be there.

As for exs mine constantly talked about hers. Nearly all fond memories apart from a few that were of bad things her exs supposedly did. I was self conscious as she seemed to pick all the best bits about them to belittle me with. Almost as if she had made up her perfect man with all the things she liked and I was supposed to live up to it.

Yep. She would go on about how she built her ex into the super executive that makes 15g's a month. Its funny, but when the ___ hit the fan, she was so quick to point out how I wasnt over my ex wife. It was weird because I only talked to my ex via text. Meanwhile, I would catch hell from her because shes stalking her ex on FB, Instagram, Twitter and Vine, b___ing about who he was with, how much he spent, where he ate... etc. Yet I wasnt over my ex? Far as I know she still does. Wonder how that sits with the new guy?