BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I've been dealing with months of silent treatment from a friend. (I only see boards with relatives and partners... .I'm sorry I've put it here because I don't know where else to put my story and questions.)

Since the beginning of this (4/5 and longest time of) silent treatment I've been reading from top to bottom across the internet about BPD and I've been going back and forth in emotions. I've been mad and hurt and I've been caring and worried, and I've been calm and collected.

I've tried everything I could (except begging and I never really played along, except once I went after her). After that I decided this is it, I'm not going to try anymore. I thought someone with self-respect won't try that hard, or go after someone who basically treats you badly. I've come to realize why I've been tossed around with emotions and my reactions. It's due to her and me of course but also of what I read online.

I've read two opposite things online, which caused me to react in two ways.

1. Understand what's going on in the mind of your BPD friend/relative/partner, in other words care;

2. He/she treats you with disrespect, so don't give in with this abuse. And it's best for both parties if there are clear boundaries.

Now these 2 are difficult for me to follow true at the same time, because:

1. How can I set clear boundaries when my friend is ignoring me?;

2. How can I go on with my life (something I do) when you don't want to give them a message or the feeling you're abandoning them? My friend lives in a different city, so I never see her.

I've been trying to overcome the latter by just randomly say things to her in a chat once every two weeks or so. I knew she was not going to respond, so there I would cross my line of self-respect again, although I've excused myself from this by thinking 'well she sees now that the hurtful actions of her have no effect... .'

But eventually the self-respect standpoint outweigh this 'tactic'. And she hurt me again so badly I just didn't want to feel the hurt anymore so I felt like she can go figure it out herself.

Now I've come to realize again forgiving someone is very strong and I think is also needed (in this case), so how do I let her know I still care? I have an idea: when the holidays hit here again I will wish her the best and that is that... .People tell me there is not much you can do, it's up to her and I guess that's true.

About setting boundaries.

I was thinking about setting boundaries lately, and I think I somewhat set them, I told her it was important for me to have a talk and I won't do anything else with her unless she was willing to have a talk with me, wasn't that somewhat of a boundary? Since then she is not talking to me anymore, this was thé trigger.

I think I handled it a bit wrong, I said I wanted to have a talk about her, of course instead I should have said: I want a talk about us. I knew I about that before I asked her for this talk, yet I somehow didn't. After her previous silence of three weeks (that's a big part of the reason I wanted a talk, a very caring one and also with my self-respect mind you!), I really had to get her trust back, and after a while I saw she was open to talk, so then I thought it was safe to finally have this talk face to face, I had to make an appointment for that though... .

Anyway afterwards over the course of months: I told her I needed respect, I gave her SET, I was silent, I didn't play along, I went to her place (to be dismissed), I told her I was hurt, and I told her I couldn't do anything for her if she didn't tell me what's wrong, I chatted to her randomly (between weeks of silence), all didn't work. I thought by myself, when she comes back to me, I will tell her firmly (not angrily) I will never go through that again, if she ever does that again I will have to quit, and close down all connections.

But the question arises: do I have to do that now? Of course I'm afraid to loose her. I've distanced from her now, so that helps for my well-being, so it is not really that necessarily for me to close down everything... .

Hello, Issy &  *welcome*

I'm sorry for all the pain you've been going through with this extended silent treatment from your friend. The silent treatment is a very disconcerting, hurtful thing, and we all know how hard it is to try to figure out how to make it stop. This must be a very close friend for you, since you are still trying to understand her actions and undo the silence.

Is this some sort of long-term friendship? Was it romantic at all? How often did you see each other before the break? Was the reason she distanced herself from you solely because you told her that you needed to have that talk with her (about her) if the 2 of you were to be able to stay friends? Were there any other reasons for her cutting you out of her life?

It's true that having boundaries are important to a relationship, but also true that if she is avoiding you, then there's really nothing you can do about making a boundary with her about pretty much anything at this time. It's true that one of the best ways to survive a relationship with a loved one with BPD or BPD traits is to learn how their mind works, and how to communicate with them in a way that doesn't push every one of their buttons, and in a way that can make things better. You seem to have tried very hard to learn all about that, and if/when she reconnects with you, that information would be invaluable to the renewed relationship.

Maybe right now--if you really think the 2 of you have a chance at reconnecting--continuing to read all you can on this site (the links to the right-hand side of this page, and the Feature Articles (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols) located at the links under the photos at the top of the threads on this Board) can not only help you to continue to learn about how her mind is working, but can also prepare you for a reconciliation.

If the trigger to this latest silent treatment was, indeed, your requiring her to have a conversations about her--and not "the relationship" or the 2 of you--maybe it made her feel judged or ashamed or singled out? Have you had the time to figure out what part you may have played in whatever dysfunction the relationship had? What part you played, and maybe even are playing now?

If you ever communicate with her again, letting her know that you are cognizant of your own contributions to this situation could go a long way in smoothing things over with her, and helping her to get to the place where she can talk about herself with you. I'm really sorry for the trauma you are feeling over this, Issy 

Thank you for the welcome and the reply :)

We've known eachother for only 2 years and we we're not romantically involved. She is special to me because I could talk to her about anything anytime and so we did, intensly. All of that came abruptly to an end. And sometimes she still gets to me while 'locked' things on social media to not see her, but didn't block or removed her. That's why this hurt keeps popping up. And I really want for her to get help. But I just miss her.

Actually the night I read your post I had a dream about someone familiar to me (I don't know who) got stuck in an elevator and slowly, painfully died there because of toxic gas release. And no one could do anything because we didn't know, we only found out later. I am somewhat of a lucid dreamer so I dreamt it again but now it was I, but at the same time her, standing in the elevator and broke the toxic gas holders out of the wall of the elevator and removed the batteries so it could stop.

After I woke up I went online and searched for what it meant. It meant that if I was whatching someone being stuck in an elevator and falling, I am losing out on a relationship and there is nothing else to do then let go and move forward. I also read that if you die in an elevator in a dream than you'll encounter hardships and the loss of friendship. (I didn't die in the elevator in my dream, but she did) How remarkable right?

So we're still connected through social media. I don't really follow her, it's on some media optional, 'cause she could hurt me with her actions that cause me physical pain, so I had to protect myself and keep a distance. I am actually doing great now. But now and then she peels in, through these media. Like I was off FB for awhile and came back, she immediately started that day to talk to random people in a group we both are part of and made a date to go with this stranger to an event we supposedly should be going to together. And now I finally showed some social activity with friends and she adds this stranger to her FB. Before this she would post stuff on these social media just right after when I posted something and I don't post often. These stuff were directed at me, it was obvious, but only I see it. So I had to not follow her anymore it hurts so much, she is talking so easily (and flirtatiously) with others and not me and all these posts. I got tired of it, at some point I thought wow she is really obsessed with me, still after all these months she is doing this. I really don't get it. It seems like anything I do it hurts her and she has to revolt. I love her and want the best for her but I can never win because I can try everything and she won't respond and when I don't do anything (and do stuff with others) she feels confirmed that I'll leave her.

I know the reasons she went into silent mode, but do you think there might be another reason?

And thank you for the Features Articles, I'll have a closer look at those.

Oh and this seems like splitting, but usually persons with BPD say when they demonize you they are done with you and never ever want you back, then why is she still following me on these social media?