BPDFamily.com

I am rather new to the whole world of BPD but learning quickly I have been experiencing it through my fiance for the past 4 years. It really escalated over the past 2 years when we bought a house together and moved his and my children in as a family. I couldn't understand why the man who claimed to worship me would suddenly turn on me and call me all names under the sun. Why he would scream at his son and use language totally inappropriate for a young teen. He will follow me about the house badgering me while I try to cook the family dinner or do the chores all the time telling me what is wrong with me and how I make things so hard for him. He will get angry over something so small and it till last for days - sometimes a week. Until a friend suggested BPD I was thinking maybe bipolarII... .but BPD fits to a tee.

His GP has put him on anti depressants and we are waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I spoke with his mother and his father had BPD. He died when my fiance was 16 and he has major abandonment and rejection issues. The hardest thing I find is to not let the rage build up in me when I am being accused of horrible things and being called horrible names (especially when my 2 children can hear). I struggle with the concept of validation as I lived in a verbal and emotional abusive marriage for 10 years and promised myself I retreated and became subdued. I promised I would not do that again. I feel I am beginning to lose myself as everything I go to say or do I am always thinking "what will be the consequence"... .I want to be free to be who I am and make decisions I am proud of.

I love my fiance and plan to hold off any wedding plans until I see his commitment to therapy. I am not sure how he will react to a diagnosis even. I have really enjoyed reading the success stories written in these boards and they do give me hope but also explain there will be work for me to do. I think I am up for it... .

 *welcome*

It is a hard path to go down, and many folks here know exactly what you are saying. Diagnosis or not there is still a hard road in front of you. I can't give you any easier reassurances than that.

A diagnosis will not be a sudden turning point, often it can be the opposite leading to withdrawal of co operation.

It is very draining. Make sure you take notice of the advise you read about looking after you rather try to fix him, or waiting for him to fix himself. Work on why you accept these things and what you can do to alleviate the effects.

The feeling of isolation and being trapped are what you need to deal with. Remember your view of the world is just as valid as his.

  *welcome* *welcome* *welcome*

We can help...

Diagnosis is a good thing.  Don't be shocked it if comes back something other than BPD.

Focus on the "trait"... .the behavior.

That is really what you want to change... .

What are you doing to take care of you?

Thank you both for your replies. I am feeling so exhausted. Tried the validation techniqure over the weekend and was able to stall a rage before it escalated (because I did not cuddle him at the right time). Then this morning my fuse was shorter as trying to get kids to school and it was on. Hate leaving the house with him calling me a b___ and telling me it is over because I did not pay him enough attention. I find my fuse is getting shorter and shorter but I want to be the one who is there for him. Seeing my GP this week to reveiw my meds and get referral to psychologist for me. The man I love is more Mr Hyde these days and it makes me so sad because the flip side is so beautiful.

I have been in a marriage of 27 years and the good is very good and the bad is really really really bad.  I am new to this community and just a week ago finally realized I've been living with BPD. Would love to know how you react to the roller coaster ride you mentioned.  I too am trying to find out how to deal with the anger that builds in me when horrible accusations are hurled at me. 

The best pointer I can give is learning not to be reactive and following the roller coaster, which in turn feeds it.

Keep reading and participating and you can make a difference.

you don't... .   

Now... .what I think you are asking is what do you do... .what do you say.  This is a "pre-planned" response... .you need to practice it ahead of time so it seems genuine... .  You basically don't get on the roller coaster... .as you SO (significant other) rides by hurling insults and emotional outbursts... ."You basically just kind of look at her going by on the ride and say... ."I'm sorry you are on the ride... "... .(which is true... .and you can honestly say that)... .and then you go on about living a healthy life.

I realize easier said than done... .but... it really is that simple... .but you are not used to "behaving" that way.

So... "I'm sorry you feel that way... "  ... .then move right along to ... ."I'm getting a glass of ice water... .would you like one?"  Then continue on to another subject you wish to discuss.  If she continues to be abusive... .let her know you will be back in 10 minutes.



Move out of the way of the insults.  Don't listen. 

Think ahead of time... .It's not about you... .so... .don't take it personally.

I agree with others.  Act, don't react.  Believe me, I've had the most ridiculous crap unleashed at me on a regular basis.  I've slowly learned the worst thing I can do is get defensive.  Think about it - what good does it do to get defensive?  It never solves anything because their minds are already made up - they are angry.  It's hard to just walk away - but the reality is their issues are their issues, you can't fix them, so don't waste your time.  Go about living your life.