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I have been having communication problems with my uBPDbf.  He left about three months ago and almost in a constant state of dysregulation.  We barely talk to each other. He says talking to me hurts him because,  he misses me so much.  I understand that he is avoiding me because, talking to me triggers his shame for leaving.  I gave him space and told him to contact me when he was ready to communicate again.  Although I gave him the space as he requested, it is almost as if I am giving him the tools to sabotage our relationship.

I have tried to explain my feelings through SET and he usually responds with an excuse why he cannot communicate.  Usually after I address my needs, he says that he is getting upset and usually ends our conversation.   I know I should not enable him and avoid the problem with communication.  I cannot find a balance between  validating my needs and validating him. 

I know he loves me and I love him but, I am having such a problem with his avoidance behavior.  Any suggestions?

They don't need help to sabotage what they really want. He told you to give him space correct? He is sabotaging it himself. They have a way of creating a self fulfilling prophecy. They think it is going to happen so they pretty much set up the perfect situation for it to happen.

Their partner leaving them is one of the ones that are pretty constant with most people with BPD. So to explain what happens. They have this feeling that their loved one wants to leave them, so before the loved one actually leaves they treat them like crap and push them away so that it doesn't hurt as much to them. They want to be the ones in control. Causing their loved one to think they want space or they don't want the relationship which then causes the non BPD to leave. Which validates their feeling that they wanted to leave in the first place. But it was their behavior that caused it and that is what happens with BPD.

Also, remember that when you try to get Validation from someone with BPD, you may not ever get it. Most of the time they only have the ability to deal with their own feelings. So your Validation will most likely have to come from someone else. This board, a family member a friend and bringing up the problems that you have with their behavior will cause them to shut down or get angry almost every time. Because you are telling them something is wrong. Your feelings are almost always going to upset him.

Thanks for the response.  I am somewhat confused, are you suggesting that he really wants to end our relationship? 

He wants the relationship but he feels that because of how he is that you are going to leave him anyway so this is his way of getting rid of you before you get rid of him.  This is how he is thinking.

I understand that. Perhaps, I was not clear in my original post.  He has contacted me recently but, it has been really minimal.  I suppose I was looking for an effective way to address the lack of communication without him shutting down. 

Hi

I am going thru something similar. He rages or gets cold and distant when I bring up any problem he has, or get upset with his behavior.

 Eagles, why does he get upset when you bring up feelings? What was the reason for the break up?

 Cloudy wrote " They have this feeling that their loved one wants to leave them, so before the loved one actually leaves they treat them like crap and push them away so that it doesn't hurt as much to them... ..bringing up the problems that you have with their behavior will cause them to shut down or get angry almost every time. Because you are telling them something is wrong. Your feelings are almost always going to upset him."

 ---Yes, when I would bring up a negative feeling about his behavior, or even gently criticize one of his traits, he would want to push me away and take a break. And my bringing up his neg. behavior would  get him very angry and defensive. Can you explain what you mean by the last part----why do our feelings upset them?

Shatra

Gotcha.  IME, he will come around as he see's fit and in his own time.  Pay close attention to what he is texting and read between the lines.  What I do is I play the opposite game with mine.  When she says don't is when I do.  Move on meant I'm ready for you to re-enter my life.

We never broke up.  He left to to get help from his old psychiatrist.  He saw one here when he lived here with me but, the psychiatrist here recommended a mood stabilizer, which triggered an old unpleasant situation.  Also, he had a lot of issues with money, so moving back with his family was a way for him to solve that problem.  I think he gets upset when I bring up how we barely talk because, he regrets leaving and feels bad that I am upset and miss him.  I truly think that he cannot cope with the consequences of an impulsive decision.  In my opinion, he thinks avoiding the problem and unpleasant feelings is easier than coping.  

All I know is that any time I try to address something my husband has done, be it something he did 10 years ago or something a week ago he gets upset that I brought it up and usually pulls out the big guns to make me regret bringing it up. Usually brings up past mistakes on my part and things of that nature. They cannot deal with your feelings, especially when they know they are the reason you feel that way. My husband can't even remember most of the things he has done and said to me. He gets very upset if I even mention something, because his coping mechanism is to forget about it so it's like it never happened.

They also have a harder time being away from their loved one. You aren't there with them, I find that I fight with my husband over the phone 9 times out of 10 so we stopped calling each other unless absolutely necessary. Maybe you can try to Skype with him?

But really no matter what you do, he is never going to be able to deal with your feelings about his behavior. When you bring up something, he is going to shut down or attack, that's just how BPD works.

"avoiding the problem and unpleasant feelings is easier than coping" Well yes it is and left to their own devices this is what they will do. This is also why so many of them self medicate, because it's easier to take a pill, smoke a joint, have a drink than to deal with their feelings.

I completely understand what you are talking about.  The majority of our phone calls end up with one us getting upset.  In typical BPD fashion, he said he wants me to fly out there so we can talk in person, mainly to discuss future plans.  I do not understand his reasoning for wanting to talk to me in person, as compared to over the phone. I cannot go out there and visit him at this point in time, especially if our communication is so sporadic.