BPDFamily.com

Staying is an attitude... .but that attitude must include boundaries.

Staying is not a guarantee the r/s will work... .but it is an guarantee that we gave it our best.

At the end of the day... .that's all we can do... .

My challenge to all "stayers"... .is to look in the mirror... .and decide if the glass is half full or half empty.

I've chosen for it to be half full... .

That attitude helps me have hope.

Hope helps us look forward to tomorrow... .

Peace!

FF

Hmm, I am generally a glass half full gal.  However, at times I think facing the truth that it was almost all empty was the only way to push me to make changes.  Being too Pollyanna has gotten me in trouble and allowed things to get much worse before I would face the truth.

Until recently I thought that staying meant putting up with whatever I had to to keep the marriage together.  I have come to realize that true staying means only staying if there can be boundaries that allow me to be who I am and respect who she is, BPD and all. 

I have learned that I am strong enough to stay if it is possible.  I am also strong enough to walk away if it becomes necessary.

I have chosen to see my glass as half full, because I know that whatever happens, I will be OK.

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In 33 years, I have struggled to find a career that suits me.  I have been laid off before with no notice.  I went back to college at almost age 40 and earned a bachelor's, master's, and doctorate.  I found what I love to do and it is secure.

I once packed everything we own for a job in another state, only to have the offer canceled as we were arranging for the moving truck.

I once laid the keys to my home on the kitchen counter, walked out the door, and left them to be picked up by the bank who had foreclosed on it.

I took my in-laws into our home and cared for my father in law for 14 months, bathing, bathroom, everything.  I was there when the hearse came to our front door and took him away.

I checked my wife into inpatient psychiatric care three times in a year, while our children were small, not having a clue what was going on.

I sat by my teenage son's bedside while he was in a coma for 5 days, brought on by status epilepticus, a seizure that won't stop.  I was there when he woke up and held his hand to bring him home.  A couple of years later I watched them wheel him down the hall for brain surgery.  In January I danced at his wedding.  He and his precious wife were here last week.

I was there when they told us our oldest son had cerebral palsy and later also mental retardation, and took him to classes and programs from age 13 months until he was 21 years old, when all the programs stopped.  This fall I coached him through running his first 10K.  We plan to do a half-marathon in 2015.  He has no clue how far that is, he just loves to run with his dad.  :)


After 33 years, BPD may take my marriage.  I hope it doesn't.  But I have made one irrevocable, non-negotiable decision... .

It. Will. Not. Take. Me.

Solid!

Wow Jedimaster... .  I'm not a staying board regular but something about formflier's title prompted me to ready this post.  Both are very good posts but your attitude, Jedimaster, is truly inspirational.  Thank you for writing it... .

Wow JediMaster.

Your name says it all - I truly admire your grit, fortitude, determination and spirit.

Far too often we hear about sporting stars who tell us how much of life they sacrificed to get to elite level sports.

Never enough do we hear about 'ordinary' folk, who far from ordinary really, make so many sacrifices in so many parts of their lives, just to get by each day.

The power of choice... .thanks for your inspirational words!

Thanks all for the kind words.  When I read through the posts on here I feel as though so many are going through much more than I am.  I don't feel like I am anything special, just a husband/dad who's trying to muddle through, same as anyone.  But it helps sometimes to kind of put things down in print and gain some perspective.  I don't mean to minimize my wife's role in these events either.  In many ways she has been a rock for our family, especially where the children are concerned.  Which is why it's so sad to realize that after all we have conquered together, BPD may be the one thing we can't overcome.  But if that is what life hands us, so be it.  I've made it through the other things I listed and even more, and with God's help I will survive this too.  I'm not accepting any other outcome.

I like that, jedi! That's been my attitude thus far. Sometimes I do get frustrated, tired, fed up, etc. but not nearly as much as I used to before I knew about BPD.

I love my husband, and BPD is just a part of him, not all of him.

Thanks for your post formflier.  I find its important to be grateful. Grateful for this person in our lives. Grateful for experiences shared, for children who have been born. For finding this website and the opportunity for self awareness and to.improve myself. 

Thank you, Form Flier! And Jedimaster- your post brought me to tears. What an honor to get to interact with such strong people!

Staying is about personal growth, it is not about surviving.

Once you have that mindset your time will feel valuable, not just someone elses disposable asset.

My glass is now 3/4 full

Missy, I agree, my optimism has practically ruined me.  I don't think that I was pollyannish, as much as I wanted to succeed in the marriage.

It is best to live in reality.

Well you don't have to feel like you are special, but you have done something remarkable, and that is owning your side of a dysfunctional relationship, and choosing to do better.

Go back and read some of your earlier topics when you found these boards. Then re-read what you just posted in this thread. I haven't gone back and looked, but I sure remember a time when you didn't sound that confident about what you could do, and how well it would work for you, no matter what your wife does.

It isn't just you either. I've seen other members learn and grow and heal too.

I feel exactly the same.  Staying with my pwBPD has taught me patience and perseverance.  I have grown to be a stronger person mentally.  

This is so very thoughtful and encouraging.  And though I've looked at how I have lived as persevering in spite of difficult circumstances, I haven't seen it as an adventure in personal growth.  I think it’s time I did. 

Agree with the posts about personal growth. We can apply these lessons outside of the relationship too.

Someone tried to put me down in the office yesterday. I gave him a half smile to let him know, that I knew what he was doing, and I blew it off, because I realised it was more about him than about me. It wasn't appropriate to call him out about it, but I have that option next time he tries it.

It would have affected me very differently 1 year ago. I'm grateful to my wife for this, and I'm grateful to this community for this. I'm still triggered when someone gets angry with me, but I'm learning.

If you can embrace what you are learning as benefiting you as a person rather than a chore you are forced to do, then it lessons the resentment the effort takes.

Take stock of how you are changing, if nothing else comes of it you will be a more balanced person for it.

Very true, I have become much healthier lately.  It took a long time and coming out of denial about how bad it really was.  I think the dynamic I see on the board is that as we become healthier some of our spouses decide to join us in better mental health and some do not, sadly there is no way to know which way it will be but our lives will be better no matter what.

This is so true Waverider!  I have changed a lot through this process in the last 5 months and realized a lot about myself dealing with my wife.  It caused me to look a lot at who I am and actually take what my wife says with a grain of salt but also look for the grain of truth in it.  I wish I had learned that a long time ago.  It has also made me love her more deeply.  I can't fix her, but I do love her unconditionally.

This so true. We don't know which way they will go, and we can only find out when we set them free. This was one of my aha moments - My accepting blame and responsibility for her issues, kept her from facing them.

I stopped pointing fingers at him and BPD and got real about my own part in the dance.  

Imagined if he were to talk to me the way I talked to him sometimes... . Assuming the things I'd assume, then calling him out on it, or acting passive-aggressively.  :)igging into his psyche.  When my own emotions go on overdrive, I take a step back and really think about what I'm saying, what I'm trying to convey.  Am I placing blame on him because I'm afraid to expose my true self?  Maybe he shunned me at some point in the past, so my fear seems real and warranted and totally connected to him... .

It isn't.  That fear was inside of me all along; my fear to stand up for what I believe in!  And he triggered it.

Do I love this man?  :)o I believe in myself?  :)o I believe in this relationship?  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

I focus on myself and my own healing, with respect for him.  I chose this relationship, it didn't choose me.

I connect to him, not the disorder.

I've been thinking recently (since coming back to this forum after a while) that you/we , people with BPD partners, must be loyal, positive, optimistic, sourceful and determined people. Sometimes we feel exhausted and frustrated (violated, depressed etc... .) but still, we want to make a lot of effort to understand and support our loved ones.

I still see there's so much more to life than his BPD.

It's just occasionally tough ;-)

I hope that ratio changes for you soon, Mie. With my dBPDh, it's more life and less BPD.