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Might have a hope of getting my uBPDw into T, we'll see.  Had one of "those" convos this morning... .

She had foot surgery 2 weeks ago and has been on a kick about "being independent" and not allowing me to help any more than absolutely possible, unless I insist. 

Also she has hardly spoken more than 3 words at a time to me in days.  So today she gets up and starts getting dressed.  I bring coffee:  "Thanks."

Me: "Would you like some breakfast"

Her: ":)oesn't matter."

Me: "How about cheese grits?"

Her: "Whatever."

So when she is fully dressed and ready to head out, she says something about going to get groceries.

Me: "I'd be happy to help with the trip to Aldi's" (they don't have an electric scooter for handicapped shoppers)

Her: "Well, I'd have thought you'd have volunteered to take off and say, 'Hey, why I don't I go with you and get the groceries and then take you to lunch?'  That would have gone a long way toward fixing this relationship."

Me: "I'm sorry, but you have hardly said three words to me in days.  I'd have been happy to go if you'd asked."

Which brought on a huge dysregulation from her about how she shouldn't have to ask for things, how it makes her feel like a child, how she's afraid of me and afraid of saying the wrong thing if she asked, etc, etc, etc.  I tried to validate her fear and all I got was ":)on't give me that therapy voice." More of the usual craziness, but I stood firm on the fact that I want to be respected enough to be asked for things.  Standing around trying to anticipate what someone might be thinking is for a servant, not a partner. 

In the middle of this she once again says the doesn't think my therapy is doing any good.  "It's all about you; it's not doing anything to help our marriage."

Me: "Well in all honesty it might help our marriage more if both of us got some counseling."

Her: "I'm planning to in January; just as soon as this foot heals."

Me:  "Their offices are all handicapped accessible and on the ground floor."

She: "Well we can't afford the money right now."

Me:  "We have insurance."

She leaves without me (she never did ask, so I'm not going.  I could have managed the work schedule if I had been asked.)

Later I get an email:  "I called [the T].  There's a copay.  I thought it was covered."

Me: "Yes it used to be no charge but now there's a copay.  Go ahead and make an appointment and I'll pay it."

She: "Thanks but I think I will check into some other options first."

Me:  "OK, but the offer stands.  I think it would help. [T] is very nice, a good listener, and very non-threatening."


Bad--

I JADEd too much and validated too little.  I know that.  I'm still new at this; it's gonna happen.

She didn't get a much-needed T appointment.

I will be very surprised if she follows through with T.  I suspect she'd like to shop around for one that is sympathetic and doesn't know me.


Good--

I stood my ground on not admitting fault, and insisted that I be treated like any other person and asked when she needs something.

She conceded that therapy might be helpful--a tiny but major crack in her infallibility.  At least there's a chance she might go through with it.


One new thing--

She's always threatening to leave or that if I don't change it's going to be the end of the marriage.  Today I agreed with her that if we don't change, it will be the end, and left it that I'm not the least bit intimidated by that.  So now she's going to have to deal with the fact that that no longer scares me.  I think it terrifies her.  I don't want to encourage her fear, but I'm no longer going to allow her to use divorce as a threat to get her way.  I've been to the edge of the cliff and looked over, and it's not as far down as she wants me to believe. 

Well, I hope she goes to a T.  I think you have to let her choose her own route here, just as you want her to let you choose your own route regarding your therapy.  Try and think of her even considering T as a very good thing. 

Your post rings soo true to me, with her trying to pin all sorts of problems on my "communication problems".  Of course, I see it the other way, where I try to communicate, and she is silent, replies with "whatever", or replies in anger/yelling.  I can't communicate with that attitude. 

And I have been met with the same resistance when it comes to her helping herself - excuses.  Eventually, she caves, though and will take action.

My dBPDh in one sentence will say he doesn't want to be babied when he's sick, but then acts butthurt if I don't think to get him something. My feeling on this is they just get angry about being sick/hurt and it manifests itself into the pull/push thing.


I'm glad for you here! I learned also to quite begging/crying/apologizing when he drops the "I'm leaving" or "I want a divorce card". I've started to calmly say ok. I love you and I want you here, but if you want to leave go ahead.

Since I've done that, he hasn't left, and usually quits even saying that.

Well she came in and said she had found two other T options and she is going to see one tomorrow!  I said "Good for you!" in the nicest most encouraging voice I could.

She made a point to say that she is going for "her" and not for "our marriage."  I'm fine with that (BOY am I fine with that), as that's the only thing that has a prayer of saving our marriage.  

It's probably for the best that she sees her own T even though mine already knows the situation.  I imagine she feels coerced enough as it is, so choosing her own T will hopefully alleviate some of that or at least not make it worse.  I'm just happy she's going.  Given what I keep finding out as I open up to select friends and family, I will be amazed if she is able to hide her true issues from a good T.  She's not hiding it from anyone else, although she thinks she is.  I also imagine that any information she chooses to share about her sessions (and I won't ask) will be highly filtered and may bear only a passing resemblance to reality.

I'm just thrilled that she's going to someone, anyone.  It's the first sign of a tiny crack in her solid wall of denial.  The act of going is a major step, even if the T turns out to be a dud.

I think the fact I no longer flinch when she mentions the ":)" word is starting to bother her.  When we went through a similar episode a decade or so ago there were times I physically held her hands and begged her not to leave.  I'm not that person any more and that is starting to dawn on her.  

As for the groceries... .she decided Walmart's prices were close enough to Aldi that she just went there, since they have electric scooters.  

In the past week I have managed to set some boundaries on several issues, but each time has involved a huge dysregulation.  This progress is exhausting me.  It's as if the only way to build a house is to hit your thumb with every single nail.  

Took the words right out of my mouth, sir. It seriously seems like that.

Very good analogy!  Made me think - that NO actions in my r/s have been easy.  Each one is a battle.  And if it is not a battle right then, it will be brought up in the future and turned into a battle.  Simple things like what to have for dinner, things that in my wildest imagination could never be a source of conflict, are big deals.  On Thanksgiving I complimented her smile while we were at the dinner table.  Two nights ago, she told me it bothered her that I singled her out in front of everyone else.  I would have never, ever thought giving a kind compliment would be a source of strife. 

jedimaster, this is really good news!

Sure, it is just a first baby step in the right direction, and you have no idea what (if anything will come of it!)

However, when was the last time she even took a step in the direction of actual self-improvement? Just the desire to improve is significant!


A kind compliment isn't a source of strife.

Her mental illness, or some of her own thoughts are the source of strife.

When she's feeling the strife, she grasps for anything to use to hit you with (emotionally) so she can blame you for it.

Another day, she'll probably blame you for not giving her a compliment when she wanted one as the "problem." And won't remember this incident at all.

I tried to take her out for dinner and coffee Friday night. (It was surreal.  Strange to watch someone agree to go out to dinner and then try their best to have a miserable time without looking like they are.) 

... .Anyway, in another attempt to jump-start some kind of conversation I said, "I'm not prying into your business, but didn't you tell me you were going to visit a counselor today?"

To which she said, "Yes, we had a nice talk.  I have two more possibilities to check out."     

I can't tell if she's simply looking for someone whom she feels comfortable with, or shopping for one that will agree with her.  Guess we'll see. 

Interestingly, she mentioned that one was a minister.  No need to go into details here, but suffice to say based on past experiences ministerial counseling was the last place I'd expect her to go. 

I hate to be constantly suspicious but I have to wonder whether she thinks a minister would be less skilled than a licensed counselor or therapist and perhaps easier to bamboozle.  OTOH, maybe she's sincere and maybe she just wants to get someone she's comfortable with.  I sure hope so.

Trying to think like her makes my head hurt... . 

Stop trying! 

Seriously... .don't tie yourself into knots worrying about how she will (or won't) avoid effective therapy.

That she considered it and is trying it is positive.

The odds of her picking the best T out of three, and sticking with it aren't terribly good.

If she doesn't start effective T this month... .there will be more chances.

The more you let her do her own thing, and face the natural consequences, the better.