BPDFamily.com

Hey All-

This is my first post, and I'm gonna try hard not to make it tl;dr, but there's a lot of ground to cover.

I've met my BPDwife 5 years ago, and we've been married 4. We have  two kids. She's been in-patient 7 times, and in IOP mutliple times. We've tried meds, various therapies, and only identified BPD a couple years ago. Last year I left her for 6 months. During that time I didn't know what else to do: I barely understood BPD, and she was getting explosively confrontational, usually resulting in her getting physical with me, often in front of the kids. She had also started self-harming and was often using it as a way to blackmail me to stay home with her. I ended up starting the divorce process, being very unsure of what I wanted. Then in the 11th hour we decided to call it off and give it another go.

Over the past year my wife's BPD has taken a turn into an ED, and we have struggled through what it means to have anorexia. Early this year, she had attended therapy for her ED, and then came out into early recovery. We then proceeded to have the most amazing summer together; unfortunately, at the end of it, she relapsed into her ED and her BPD began to get worse again. A few weeks ago she abruptly decided to leave me for someone else, stating that she didn't think our marriage was working anymore and that she believe she was worthless and undeserving of me.

Since then I have gotten myself into therapy, been speaking to many different friends and family, discussed our situation with the rector of our church, and been depresssed and heartbroken. I don't think I have ever been so hurt in my life, and spent an entire week not talking to her. Of course, last week, she admitted to me that she was not eating well, and it turns out who she left me for was a total dirtbag. She has also talked more of self-harm and had suicidal thoughts.

In all of this, I have started reading Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, and it has changed my perspective of everything. I had done a bunch of research in the past about BPD, but this one struck a chord. I guess I was in the right place to finally hear it and take it to heart. I finally understand her inner turmoil, her emotional sensitivity and her inability to find validation in her environment. I also have come to understand that the self-construct she has of herself being worthless is a real feeling, one that I need to validate, before I'm able to tell her how I see her.

I'm glad to say that we've found DBT in the area, and she has committed to giving the first month of pre-sessions a try. The entire program is a year long, and I'm not holding my breath, because she has never finished anything before, and I know how hard it is for her to simply get up in the morning.

All this is to say, that I love her, and I have decided to stick with her; however, I also have done a lot of soul searching and have come to understand that the relationship needs to be 50/50, and that when she's got stuff going on, it's her responsibility to clean it up. I can't save my wife, but I do want to help her. Defining those boundaries and sticking to them is where I am now. I need to take care of myself and the kids. I do hope in time that she may reach a point of radical acceptance of her emotions and will be able to lead a fulfilling life.

Thanks for reading.

Wow, thank you for sharing. I'm brand new here as well and I don't have a lot of advice or support to offer but I did want to write something so that you know there are people out here. :)

It's not easy. I commend you for trying and for remaining open.

Thank you also for the book recommendation. I'll see if our local library has it.

Luce

Wow, you have been through quite a bit  .  I'm glad you have found us here, because so many of us have similar stories.  If anything, you are amongst people who understand exactly how you feel right now.  We can certainly help you, as you can help us, but each situation is unique and there isn't often an easy answer.  I think the most important things to focus on right now are taking care of you, discovering what you need out of this marriage, and how to get what you need.  You have been through a ton already.  And as you have discovered, BPD is a very serious and perplexing mental illness and solutions aren't guaranteed and don't come easily.  That means you will have to come to grips with the idea that no matter how much work you do, or how much work she does, the marriage may never fulfill your needs.  Rest assured, she is diagnosed, and has been open to therapy and those are enormously good things. 

Real glad you found us here - this message board has been a life saver for me.

Thank you for the kind words. Having poked around these boards, I can agreed that yes, I belong here.


In some ways, this still scares me; but I'm slowly accepting that this may be the case. I don't know yet where we'll end up, nor am I in a rush to know - I'll know in time; God willing, we'll find a way through this, but whatever happens, I do know that as co-parents we'll be in a close relationship for the rest of our lives.

Hi ninja and  *welcome*

I will echo max's statement, you have and are going through a lot. This is a fertile time to discover and learn what you want and need, and you are going to have to do a lot of work to determine how to get those needs met. As max notes, it is very possible that they may never be fully met within the constructs of your marriage.

I, too, have two children with my uBPDw. Your understanding and ability to navigate your wife's illness takes on another level because you also have to keep your children's best interest before you. You are right when you stated that you and your wife will be in some type of RS the rest of your life based due to your kids. There is a great wealth of information here. The lessons at the right of this page are a great place to start. Take the time that you need to care for yourself, develop as much of a support network as you possibly can, both for you and your kids, and do your best to apply the same level of acceptance of your wife's illness to your own self and all of the hurts and unmet needs that may be crying out within you. This is a tough road, and you have to have a lot of bravery and kindness.

Praying for you and your family. I hope the DBT helps and please do keep posting here to let us know how you are doing. Also, to share your insights on the journey. 

Hello and welcome, ninjaspankypants! (BTW, I love your handle!)

You've found a good place to get support and advice upon occasion too. Keep posting your story.

Do start by taking good care of yourself first.

Yes, you also need to take care of your children, but you can't do much for them if you run yourself into the ground. And that is so easy to do in this kind of relationship.

 GK