BPDFamily.com

Have you ever felt paralyzed, like your life is in limbo until you know theirs is a wreck... .you can be validated…get that proof that they're a mess…evidence that they've truly failed and you ARE good?  Do you find yourself waiting for the mask to come off in front of the rest of the world?  Do tell.  That's kinda where I'm at and know I need to kick myself away from that place.

I know that holding on to that hope and allowing those thoughts to rule my day would be perpetuating my own addiction to my ex.  I'm busy taking steps up the ladder of healing and trying not to beat myself up when I stumble and fall way, way down the ladder below the dark earth.  I know it's all part of the process, but it's tough.

I remember before cell phones were around, the longer you waited for a call, the quicker it would never come.  I'm sure everyone who's experienced corded phones has at one point stared at and telepathically asked it to "ring" lol  If you got busy with life, that call came and you missed it…In the meantime you accomplished something AND that call came in.  Kinda like a law of nature teaching us we can only control ourselves, and somewhere within those efforts we find our own peace and harmony.  I pray that if I get really and truly busy doing ME, that one day will come when the universe has unleashed it's Karma in his direction.  I also pray that I'll be so full of joy and peace that I won't even care anymore.

Kind of.

After 3 months with her replacement she cheated on him, with me. This shows me what she's really about,  it was kind of bitter sweet for me because it confirmed what I didn't really want to belive.  I also felt some guilt for playing into it.

I got myself out of the situation after she began to push/pull me and it was getting messy.

She's still with him, playing happy couple but I have had a look "under the hood" and their relationship is as bad as ours was and heading towards the same ending.

I kind of just want the hammer to drop,  it really annoys me how they have made new friends who think she's awesome when I know the gory truth.  But oh well.

I know exactly where you are coming from Hope0807, I feel like I am in a very similar position; a complete rut, utterly stagnant.

But I am slowly getting there, at least I am really trying. I'm working with a therapist at the mo who is helping me try and let the whole situation go and I know I should. I believe in karma and my therapist does not see that as a bad thing but if that's the case I should trust it will happen even if I never see it, or if it appears in a way that is unexpected.

Logically, his and her karma would make no difference to my life. However, I would say it would make me feel less crazy, more validated and at peace about that portion of my past. What happened really shook up how I view the world, I began questioning morals and what was the point in being a good person if the bad guys could still win, it would be nice to see the good I used to know and believe in prevail.

My ex used to always use those sayings -"once a cheater, always a cheater", "Karma is a b1tch", "what goes around, comes around". She said that she believed that stuff. However, her actions certainly don't show that she actually believed them though.

As for me, I'd like to think that those things actually exist. And I think in a way that I am waiting for it all to fall apart for her. At this point though, I'm more prone to say that those things don't exist. Just due to the fact that she seems to have done plenty of horrible things and is getting along just fine with new supply. Meanwhile, I'm left to blow away like dust in the wind and pick up the pieces. I know life isn't fair, but damn this seems like a horrible injustice. If karma does exist, it seems to have been directed at me.

Thanks Springle!

I really like the way you said what I feel too.  I didn't realize how incredibly "ROSEY" my lenses actually were until I started reading about what I just got out of, what I lived and nearly lost my soul to.  A next hurdle will be to trust in people when I start dating again.  I truly believed that all people were inherently good.  I was so completely trusting - but truly not in a stupid, blind way…or so I thought.  I really thought I played life pretty smart.  

Yes!  Same here.  My ex seemed to have a bucket of "lines" he would toss out, recycle and repeat.  One of the most ironic was:  "If I'm not a man of my word, I'm nothing at all.  I'll always be a man of my word."  HE WAS NEVER a man of his word. 

I have to pause my prayers and remind myself to pray for my well being instead of his demise - and let it go.  Damn it's difficult!

I am waiting for the karma bus to hit her. I struggle with it everyday. If I can some how move on quicker if I know she is miserable. I do know that in her delusional world her life is perfect. I am waiting for her dwi to go to court. In some sick way I feel once she gets her conviction, loses her liscense, and pays her huge fines then maybe just maybe she will hurt like she hurt me. Once I know that then I will be ok... .I on I  It won't solve anything and I hate that i feel that way.

here's the thing most of us don't realize right away about our relationships with our exes: they were never happy with us... .in fact, they were probably pretty miserable for the majority of the time... .

that is who they are: miserable people... .they are NEVER happy in any sort of sustainable, realistic, consistent, healthy way... .

their happiness is fleeting, based on fantasy, and liable to be turned into vitriol at a moments notice

we see their new/next relationships 'working' and all unicorns and rainbows too... .that's what the guy/gal before us saw too when they saw us together with the ex... .

it's all a façade --   all.   of.   it.

I know it's cliché, but the best karma/revenge with people like your ex is living well.  Why?  Because they NEVER will!

Antelope, you just jerked some tears of reality out of me.  Thank you!  You are so right about every word of that and I do know it - just needed a reminder.

My ex is indeed a miserable person through and through that mimicked happiness and contentment for small, short-lived moments…and in the end blamed me for his lack of joy.

Thank  you Hope for posting your thoughts !

You really hit the nail on the head !

I think about that most of the time , she will get what she deserves .

This is a interesting topic you will help a lot of members.

Thank you again.

This is certainly true and it's something a lot of us forget.

Borderlines emotional baseline is pain,  and everything they do is in an attempt to get away from that baseline but they will always return to it.

When they are idealizing,  basically they are in a conned,  deluded state. There is little reality to the way they act and behave. Borderlines are people who can fool themselves and that's what relationships are to them.

They are not wired like normal people.

Can I remind you that the DAY after she cheated on her boyfriend with me having told me how utterly depressed and miserable she was with him she was posting instagram pics of him saying how much she loves him.

At what stage of the game does that become normal, at what stage of the game does that become real?

It doesn't.  It's the actions of a very unstable person who doesn't know what love or happiness is.

|iiii 


it's an idea that keeps us ALL stuck for a long time: wow, their new relationship is working out, therefore, we failed, b/c we couldn't make it work, so maybe things really were my fault... .

everything is oh-so-amazing with our exes at the beginning... .but beneath that exterior are lots of doubts, insecurities, and fears welling up within our ex, and eventually all that overflows, and the love-bombing stages subsides... .

it's hard for us nons to wrap our heads around these patterns, so we tend to view their behavior as a direct retaliation for something we did wrong... .we don't notice or see the pattern

once removed from the relationship, spent some time here and in therapy, working on yourself etc, you see the pattern and realize how insignificant your part in this huge story really was... .

he/she is who he/she was before you met, he/she was that same person during the relationship, and he/she will continue on as that person long after you're done... .

you and I were just placeholders... .transients... .temporary, replaceable, and expendable  :'(

Dear Hope, one of the hardest parts for me, too, is that I have to see the world differently now. I can no longer believe that given the opportunity,  people will choose to do good. I am a social worker and my new worldview inflicted by my relationship with a pwBPD is the hardest thing to accept. I have been full of hope although I have been through some very rough times in my life. My sense of hope is in conflict with what is real- that there are people who will lie even when telling the truth makes more sense; there are those who get satisfaction from tearing another's life apart; and people exist who only care about themselves. I have a friend who put it best, "You could love him perfectly for 16 lifetimes and it would not make up for all he is lacking."

Remember that karma always comes around for these people. You will either see them get dumped or see your replacement get dumped.  It will happen. Whether it be 6 months, 2 years, or whatever measure if time, it is a 100% chance. Do yourself a favor and heal and live a happy life. My ex was always jealous of her ex before me because he moved on quickly and found a great girl. Something she can never be. I'm starting to come out of the fog myself and see this for what it really is. In a summary, a BPD chasing happiness is like a horse chasing a carrot on a stick.

I think a little differently, the recompense these people get is not external but internal, they suffer daily with emotional turmoil, and physical ailments that we can only just imagine. They have a disorder, one that will stay with them for life. We come into their lives for a while, and then leave, we recover, they never will.

Honestly, as much as I would get angry at her, I honestly, truthfully hope that she has a good bright and happy future with this guy. They've been together a few months now, and whilst I could never have coped, nor stood for her behaviour, maybe she's found a compatible personality type? I hope so, and I hope they both have some semblance of normalcy.

When I first got out of this I was seriously peed off. I really did want her to be miserable and unhappy. But I think when I realised it wasn't actually her, and it was a pretty darn serious mental illness, that she was just reacting like a child, I lost that anger, realised the finality of it all... and decided to go NC, wishing her all the best from afar. Now I'm at peace.

Honestly, at first I really wanted her to feel the pain of dumping me. It is what it is. God I loved her. Now? I really dont give 10 ___s what happens to her with Karma. Her marriage went south at 15 years, our r/s 16 months, new guy? Dont know, could be over with already, might last 1 year, 5 years, 30 years, dont know. Fact is, i dont care. Im the important one, not her. Her life is now someone elses problem, not mine. I do know one thing though, his life is going to suck, unless hes a bigger douche than she is. Karma will indeed happen at some point, but I sure as hell wont be around to see it. Not my problem

Thank you, Antelope!  Could you just whisper this in my ear when I start ruminating?  Wonderful post in a thread we all probably thought but never said - thanks, hope

I'm going to hold on to that horse chasing a carrot stick image for a while.  Good one!  Except in my case I'm going to make the horse into a silverback-jackass combo |iiii

Sorry-I have to take a bit of a giggle where I can these days.

Antelope thank you. I will have to remember  this when I am feeling down. One thing that sticks in my head is when she discarded me she said ... .What was once overwhelming love is now resentment.

I always wondered why she resented me. What did I do?  I was always there... .I wanted to build a.life with her... .I supported her financially and emotionally... .all I asked was to be a priority in her life.  

 |iiii

Wow i have said almost those exact words.

So wonderful to hear you are at peace.  My exBPDh's symptoms lean most heavily toward ASPD & Psychopathy.  Like most, at first, I was mortified to discover the "BPD" label and how it sweepingly it explained my years of chaos.  That mortification was magnified when I realized I could not chart his repeated tactics of extraordinary cruelty and severe lack of empathy to the BPD criteria alone.  My ex fits what is slowly but surely coming down through the literature as a BorderPath.  Wishing your ex some normalcy and resting well in finding compassion for the mental illness is unfortunately not an attainable place for me.  My ex may suffer in his inescapable misery but he also lives daily in a place that strips others of their resources and pride while he gleefully destroys them in a wide variety of ways that brings a very wide smile to his face.  No longer just out of this or in the peed-off stage…I escaped a Psychopath who preyed on me, used me and every single person that entered his life.  He begged me for years through crocodile tears to please never leave him and give him yet one more chance, but formed one relationship after the next right under my nose, telling people the most horrid untruths about me and then puffing up his chest when he knew I was tortured when all his indiscretions came to the surface.  Although his brain may fall into an "illness" category, he is quite sane and systematically nearly snuffed the life out of me.  

I have read a large portion of stories on this site that clearly fall beyond the realm of BPD and into Psychopathy.  I cannot help but wonder whether some of these survivors might feel less traumatized by convincing themselves their ex was a BPD.  I think there are droves of people on this site who cannot or will not allow themselves to think they may have been with that horribly scary term:  "Psychopath".  The gray areas are abound.  The statistics of these dangerous and disordered personalities walk amongst us and go virtually undetected.  Mine wasn't just ill - I met evil.  

Karma did come back and bite her. It doesn't feel good at all. It just makes me feel sad for her and worse for my children.

She left me for another man and believed the grass was greener. From what I can put together he had blown all kinds of smoke at her. Had a great job, masters degree, nice log cabin in the woods, he was going to take care of her, move closer to her and get a house together, etc... .

Truth is this:

He physically looks like hell and has a crappy job and is broke all the time. Lives in a hunter shack in the woods the size of my living room not a nice log cabin. She is now supporting him when he comes around and buying him and his children clothing, Christmas presents, food and he is taking full advantage of her. He's been divorced twice and does not have a masters degree or at least any that could be found. He also pouts when he doesn't get his way and acts like a child most of the time. Drives a beat up vehicle and sticks out like a sore thumb in public due to his odd ball ways and looks. Both him and her are a complete embarrassment to the eldest two children in both private and public. I just was told this weekend he's trying to wrestle with my eldest as well... .A 14 yo girl... . 

Over this weekend she was admitted to the hospital for stress and was put off work for three days due to it. I speculate that she will probably be losing her job if she keeps it up. I pray she doesn't lose her health care license. She also left everything behind when she took the $$$ and bolted. She doesn't have much now and she is broke or close to it. Her car is starting to shut down randomly or not start at all.

She has made a terrible mistake and is paying the price for it. Unfortunately so are my children.

I am waiting for one of these things to happen before I shoot for full custody. She loses her job or license, she gets put into the coping center, she loses her housing or this guy goes to far with my eldest and I file a police report.

It's been 4 months since she left. I need to reiterate this as it has been said before... She used to be something close to a Stepford wife and had that type of life. She left that for a guy that is a step or two above a trailer park meth head. Seriously this is no exaggeration or perceived hostility on my part.

Karma has come home and slapped her hard. I still feel no joy in this.

I certainly think it's quite possible that there is some crossover with ASPD with a lot of borderlines.  I know in my case she was like a BPD/npd hybrid,  don't think there was any ASPD there but who knows.

Me three... .These exact. same. words.

I always wondered why she resented me. What did I do?  I was always there... .I wanted to build a life with her... .I supported her financially and emotionally... .all I asked was to be a priority in her life.

The overwhelming bitter resentment killed me slowly.

Sorry to hear your tale.  Thank goodness there is one parent in the wings ready, willing and able to put those kids back together and work to keep them whole despite this detrimental period in their young lives.  I wish I could have said the same for my own youth.  I grew up with an uBPD mother who was a single parent for reasons I'll never know and if I had a parent like you there is no doubt the entire course of my life would have been positively shifted.  

Many hugs and prayers your way.  

 |iiii

Yeah research says one can be NPD without being BPD, but BPD always has the narcissistic component in there.

I posted in the building healthy relationships forum the other day. I've been off the board for over 4 years. Just a summary here:

The summer/fall after my exbf stopped talking to me, he had an affair with his bosses wife. He got fired. She got divorced. He stopped talking to her (I'm seeing a pattern here with him... .)

The big thing though... .He was just convicted of child molestation. So not only has he never found a fulfilling relationship since we "broke up" almost 5 years ago, he's going to jail.

Otoh I took a chance on opening my heart up again and it's been the most wonderful relationship of my life.

If I knew then what I know now... .

I spent 2 years wondering the same thing. Truth is, we didn't do anything wrong except to fall in love with someone who couldn't accept it.

I used too.

I wanted people to know the truth.

I wanted them to see that I was not the villian.

I wanted them to see him for what he IS.

And you know what?

That's not MY job.

"Vengence is mine, sayith the Lord".

In my heart, I know what is true, and the Lord knows what is true and so that's good enough for me.


Some call it Karma

Some call it Sowing, and Reaping.

Exh has sown seeds of deception, destruction, lies, abuse, adultery.

I do NOT want to be ANYWHERE near that garden, when it begins to grow, and produce. No thanks.

I did plenty wrong. I am so far from perfect. But it was wrongs that in a normal relationship would have barely caused a ripple between two healthy individuals. I loved her so much, so much, but it was an 80/20 relationship, and I might be being generous at that. It was all about her.I was just a bookmark in her book of life. Now she's with the replacement who is an old college buddy. Good for them. Maybe he can figure it out because I sure as hell couldnt and now Im a burned out vacant building that is slowly being rehabilitated for new occupants. It still hurts alot, but slowly Im rebuilding myself. Ive just never been treated this way before, and the sad thing was, I knew it was happening (I didnt know much about BPD other than what I learned as a Hospital Corpsman in the Navy), it was like watching yourself being buried alive. Now I just feel like I survived a car accident, happy to be alive but skittish to get back in a car. Getting there... .

I'm most certainly NOT hoping for any bad Karma towards her. I really do hope she can find somebody and find some kind of happiness in life.

Don't you think having a personality disorder is Karma enough?. I owe my BPD ex partner nothing but pitty.

I dont either, but its going to happen. I find myself so damn indifferent towards her, and frankly, I will never know when that Karma train does come as Im so far removed by her, that, even though I live 4 blocks away, I dont see or hear anything from her or about her. She has her own little group of friends that I wasnt much of a part of so no ties there. Im glad though. Its not my hot mess to clean up anymore... .

I totally understand. There were indeed times where a simple BPD disagnosis alone wouldn't cover it. Her gleeful smile when she said "I'm going to destroy you teehee", her reaction when I mentioned a car crash, and her going "are they dead? good". Weird stuff that makes no sense, that simply became reasons to move on, and not things to fix. Borderline basically means they're in between the scale of neurosis and psychosis, and often venture up and down that scale. It doesn't remove the possibility of other psychological ailments as a result of their upbringing.



Insane people can often seem quite sane. You cannot win because they always believe themselves to be truthful even when they're lying. Its hard to come to terms and be at peace with these things, but remember that they'll always be like this, thats the cause and effect of how they are, every mean thing that they do will make them feel more shame, and they have to live with that til the day they die.


Maybe you're correct, in fact I wouldn't challenge it.

I knew that the cycle and nightmare was repeating itself with my replacement.  He had cheated on me with her.  For so long I couldn’t wait to hear that they had failed.  One day I accepted that they might actually be happy together.  A few weeks later I was told that their relationship had ended, and that the cycle had repeated itself.  I’d been wanting that validation but by the time it came it didn’t hold the same meaning for me.  I didn’t care one way or the other when I learned the news. 

Hope0807:  My ex had canned “lines” too.  (“I want peace”  “I’m not a player”  “I’m not a fighter” “I don’t cheat” “I don’t play games”)  He doth protest too much.  I’ve learned that when someone repeats what they are over, and over, that it may indicate that they are communicating the opposite.  This was certainly true of my ex.  (“I don’t want peace”  “I am a player” “I am a fighter”  “I cheat” “I play games”)  In the future if I see that emerging, I will know that it's a red flag. 

My ex would often say, "I'm a sweet girl,  I just need you too let me know it's okay to show you". Sigh... .

I know that feeling so well.  A year ago I felt that way too.

Now though, I have so much going on in my own life that I am starting to be too busy and too happy to devote much energy to worrying about what happens to him.  Strangely, since I started to feel better and less concerned about seeing him end up badly, karma seems to be happening.

Whilst life in general is going really well for me, his seems to be getting worse.  He looks a mess and so does the replacement.  I have just seen photos on facebook of them on a night out.  Their two friends with them look absolutely embarrassed and on one of the pics, he is having to actually hold her up because she is so drunk.  She is also wearing exactly the sort of clothes he hated me wearing because he likes the 'dollybird look' and not a woman wearing trousers.  lol  It doesn't look like she is trying to keep him happy any longer.

So, for all those waiting for this moment.  I believe it will come, probably when you are not that bothered anymore.  It is still a good feeling though, to see him get exactly what he deserves!

Mine never wanted pity. And I never wished karma on him, but boy it sure seemed to find him.

Like someone else said, he has never looked as good either. After we split, he started to drink - a lot. He shaved his head and actually looked pretty haggard, much older than he really was. I found that odd since he was so vain. When we were speaking I often told him he looked great with longer hair (or any hair for that matter). He told me "others" liked it shaved. Oh well.

I hear you!  I think we ALL struggle with the same sentiments you shared here. |iiii

Hi WhyMe!

I've SO hoped to stumble upon a post like yours from someone who has been through this and made to the other side, found peace and joy, and willing to drop back in to offer the rest of us a reason to keep the faith. 

I'm determined to have this experience strengthen me, not break me.  Thank you!

going places,

Thank you for that spiritual perspective!

Hey Deeno02,

Really good stuff here.  Much of the same is true for me…especially the words about feeling like you're being buried alive and then graduating to a place of healing where you realize it's like having been in a horrible car accident…we realize at some point we're still alive…great…just terrified to get back on the road.  Love it!

Hi Visitor,

Some here are familiar with small strands of my story, but for those who are not, I discovered that my ex's uBP disorder falls more CLEARLY into the PSYCHOPATH/ASPD spectrum.  He may not have murdered anyone (then again I'll really never know…he did make consistent remarks about being able to murder and hide a body without anyone knowing), but has clearly snuffed life out and left massive destruction in his wake.  In his opinion, he is not at all troubled or short-changed by an illness.  He is boastful and purposeful when he HURTS other human beings.  He goes to extensive efforts to mask the hurt he causes others with a "Hero" facade.  He is SANE!  He knows right from wrong.  He feels and exhibits pure joy at the result of his cruelty.

So NO NO NO NO NO -having BPD/ASPD is not Karma enough.  Not in MY case.  The hindsight loop that plays in my head day and night recounts moment-by-moment of 7 years with a man who absolutely COULD NOT demonstrate the kindness, warmth, and compassion he doled out as magical fairy dust to those who breathed it in.  I breathed it in.  I believed, I dreamed.  I didn't die.  I'm alive.  I'm healing.  I'll be okay…some day…but not today.  However "ok" and "great" I ever am…I will be waiting for that thing called Karma. 

Hi christoff522,

BPD is in fact not in between neurosis and psychosis.  It was a previously held belief of the disorder.  A few sentences from the National Institute of Mental Health are below. Also, most people confuse "Psychotic" and "Psychopath".  They're not the same.

Per NIMH:  The disorder, characterized by intense emotions, self-harming acts and stormy interpersonal relationships, was officially recognized in 1980 and given the name Borderline Personality Disorder. It was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior.

I agree Hope. It stinks that they have a personality disorder but I am waiting for karma too.  After six years of abuse, lies, cheating, and rage I have no pity for her. She had opportunity after opportunity to change her life... .She just didn't want to do the work. And those are her words.

WOW blissful camper,

I'm SO SO with you on that one!  I listen and WATCH so much more clearly now.  YES, when someone has to keep announcing what they aren't…what we should really hear is what they ARE!

|iiii

The quote above is part of another thread I was posting on.  When I was done with it I was truly horrified by what my SO and his daughters have had to go through at the hands of the uBPDex/mom in the last 4 years.  I don't think I ever really saw it all written out in one place.

My SO other and I have talked about Karma and he thought she was living her Karma... .no job (or at least steady work), no car, evicted, couch surfing, living in hotels, health issues (at least in her mind), her ex-husband in a happy relationship, and strained relationship with one daughter. 

My SO is more forgiving than me... .I'm angry... .you just don't do the things she's done and think everything is going to be fine, that their are no consequences, ignoring how much hurt and chaos you have caused the children you profess to love.

But it looks like a big dose of Karma is heading her way.  We just found out that she has 2 charges of felony check fraud against her. This is no joke and could mean jail time. What really sucks is that even Karma coming around to bite her in the a$$ isn't even satisfying because this will devastate her daughters.

I despise this woman as a woman, as a wife, and most of all as a mother... .she doesn't deserve the title.

I'm sorry for the angry rant... .her BS just never ends 

Panda39,

Your angry rant is welcomed here.  Toss it out and breathe!  I feel for your situation so much and any that involves children.  Even at 40 years old, I myself was once a child being affected by an uBPD mother and had NO idea.  She functioned, she worked, she provided…but she raged and raged.  She was negative and had no skills at interpersonal relationships.  If she didn't push people away, they kept their distance.  She was manipulative and fully believed all of the lies she told daily, with certainty.  Any and all wrongs were someone else's fault.  Everyone had a problem but her.  I moved out at 19.  So where did the child of that uBPD parent end up…feeling like at 33, she finally met the superhero love of her life, perfectly imperfect…WOW WOW uBPD/ASPD man who would RIP his mask off 7 years later and nearly steal the soul of a woman who just gravitated to what was intense and oh-so-familiar.  The lessons!  I'm so done with the lessons!

I hope those kids in your SO's situation get lots of therapy…soon!

Thanks Hope,

I appreciate the understanding.  Being with someone who's ex is BPD can get hard sometimes. I watch a lot of train wrecks and try to be a support.  My SO and his daughters have enough issues with mom without me unleashing my anger.

I come here to talk and get things out (I'm usually more mellow though  )

... .so back to Karma... .what goes around comes around... .