BPDFamily.com

My BPDw - seems to be always on the path of blaming, labeling, insinuating, and generally trying to "claim" that I am this or that or the other... .

It seems to get INCREASED... .when I even more successfully use the tools and skills found here on the site and actually NOT get enmeshed in her dis-regulations.

I hope this makes sense to the reader... .

IN essence... .the more anxious she becomes... .the more she seems to be going into one of her moods... .the MORE she begins to claim I am XYZ.

She almost becomes fanatical in an attempt to claim I am suffering from an assortment of various maladaptive behaviors.

NOw - I am a very introspective guy... .and want to OWN whatever MY stuff is. AND have delved deep over the years to better understand WHO I am... .and how I was built.

But when this happens... .I am labeled things that in now way or shape I resemble.

AND... .it seems to happen when there is NOTHING actually going on that provokes it into play.

An example would be... .during a stretch where my work is HIGHLY busy... .I may not have the time to text or call her during the day as much as might be the norm.

She will then begin to claim I am not "leaving her alone"... ."and call too much" - and that I am trying "control" her... .(huh?)

Or if she has said that she needs to be left alone... .I comply... .only to then be called a narcissist as I ONLY think of myself. (huh?)

Basically - have others found that they are always on the aggressive receiving end of a pwBPD who seems on an aggressive quest to adamantly "prove" you are the one who is messed up?

The marriage counseling that we have at times attempted ALWAYS winds up with her spending the entire time regaling stories of how I am this or that... .caused this or that... .to blame for this or that... .to the point the counselors said "you really should stop with this. What is your want by doing this? What is the goal?"

It seems she WANTS me to be the problem. Instead of working on whatever the problems actually are.

She actually told one couples counselor that ... ."HIS problems affect the ME and marriage... .mine only affect me... ."

(uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh?)

Can anyone relate? Can anyone give me some sense of what this is? And/or why she does this?

I ... .am the complete opposite. I had spent YEARS, prior to knowing about BPD,  trying to accept any even implausible blame she put on me. Took all of it on.

AND - to this DAY. I have a REAL difficulty blaming her for ANYTHING.

I just do not think it is right... .nor has ANY benefit. AND... HOW can I "blame" her for anything?

Thanks in advance for comments.

Projection, denial, shame, distorted thinking.

Leaving aside BPD (hard to do, I know), one could say that you have vastly different communication styles, and are mismatched emotionally. I was accused of being a "bad communicator" early in my r/s. What that really meant was that our communication styles were different, since I could objectively point out that a lot of her style was dysfunctional. I let myself be "sent" to counseling at the beginning and at the end of my r/s. Both times, I was told by the doctors, "there's nothing really wrong with you, and your reactions are normal in such situations" I'm introspective (good), and avoidant (not so good), sure. She's confrontational, when not exhibiting the silent treatment.

What do you do with all of this? When a pwBPD says "I need to be left alone," I think it's a type of test, in that they probably mean the opposite. Maybe you get mad when she comes back at you because you failed her test, and that's understandable. How do you think you can approach that differently? Going into hermit mode is a way of running away to avoid or cope with strong feelings.

I was blamed for everything.  I was not affectionate enough, I was selfish, I should have made more of an effort, and the list goes on. The reason he blamed me for everything because, he did not want to take responsibility of his maladaptive behaviors. For him, it was easier to blame me than fix his own behavior. What made it so difficult for me was that I took all of the blame.  I allowed it and did not hold him accountable for his behavior. I thought, he has a mental illness so how can I hold him accountable? That was a huge part of my co-dependency. Once I got that thought out of my head, it was easier to cope with his projection. I realized, that I should not be held accountable for everything that goes wrong in his life; regardless of mental illness.

On one of his more lucid days he said,  "EaglesJuju you could have done anything I wanted and it would never have been enough. This is a problem that I have."  

My husband has said that as well. He's self aware enough to know he's BPD and knows he isn't right all the time. Of course, I can't ever call that into play when he is dysregulated lol

Anyways Nightmoves, that's the thing. Nothing you do or do not do will be enough. The stuff they are missing is missing inside them. It's sort of like wearing an itchy sweater all the time. Sometimes it doesn't bother you too much, sometimes you want to rip the thing off of your skin. They cannot take that sweater off. Sometimes the bad feelings overwhelm them, and they have to assign blame to something other than themselves.

How you respond to their dysregulation has a big part in how they carry on afterwards. When she blames you for something, how to answer? Do you get angry, feel hurt? Does it show on your face?

yeah, my wife used to blame me openly for everything and even made stuff up until just recently.  This time, her silent treatment "changed the game" in the sense she isn't blaming me for anything openly or dysregulating in the old way of huge outbursts to me or on facebook.  I think that stopped when I stood up to her and told her on the phone a couple of weeks ago that she wasn't going to get well until she confronted the truth within herself.  Also she is starting to change her behavior as to not look crazy with her mom in town.  I don't know why the change, but it is a step forward.

Wow - extremely thoughtful - veyr helpful


Turkish - Fascinating. I have often felt a version of this. I too am very introspective... .(GOOD under normal circumstances... .BAD wBPD... .as I tend to over think and far too easily TAKE any blame)... .I am also FAR to unwilling to actually label or blame the other person (again... .in a NORMAL situation good... .when in a toxic situation - not so good.  -  as EaglesJUJU commented that not calling it what it was ... .AND holding them accountable - is not helping)

Lastly... .I am very LOGICAL... .(HUGE bad when dealing with a situation of a pwBPD)

I am also a person who does NOT carry grudges or resentment... .I approach each day as a new sheet... .(OK... so while maybe a positive thing to do... .HOW incredibly LUCKY for the BPD!... .and how incredibly HORRIBLE for the non)


Wow Ethyl -  - nice take on that. WELL explained. (great analogy). SO - we are going to get sent at us... .whatever is relative to the sweater itch. The problem is - THEY think WE are providing the "itch". I guess WE need to REMEMBER ... .we are NOT the sweater.

I am at an even GREATER disadvantage... .as she has a FOO who GAVE HER the sweater in the first place... .WILL NOT own up to that... .so they are TELLING her - in far to wrong a sense -  that I AM the sweater.


IS IT JUST ME... .OR DO OTHER NON'S REACH A POINT WHERE YOUR HEAD ACTUALLY HURTS TRYING TO CONSTANTLY FIGURE OUT THESE COUNTER INTUITIVE RIDDLES?

Of course - my path noted above... .


Leaves me in a "Groundhog Day" movie... .

ONLY in THIS movie - the B Murrary character... .is dealing with pwBPD - not a groundhog!

My T offered that I was being too analytical, and not enough emotional.

I think others have answered this - if they look at themselves as the source of their issues, they paint themselves black.  And that is an abyss they don't want to be in.  This isn't just a BPD problem - I think many nons do this occasionally by blaming someone else or accusing others of what they do themselves (How many times have you gotten mad at another driver when in reality you make the same traffic mistakes yourself?  :))

But it seems to be worse with pwBPD.  Their lives are a wreck.  They constantly feel unstable and unloved.  And it's much easier for them to point the finger at their environment than point it at themselves.  

My wife wants to blame my ADHD for our "communication" issues.  Umm.  Ok.  She's recently painted two friends black, and is still going on about how both of them must have undiagnosed mental health issues.  Last night she tried blaming me for something she did herself.  Actually twice.  It's a common issue, and it's frustrating.  

Yes, literally.  Prior to the past two years, I never had headaches unless I was 1) hungover 2) severely dehydrated 3) had some other kind of obvious illness.  Recently, I have been taking ibuprofen for headaches almost daily.  And I have noticed the headaches start around the same time she is accusing me of stuff or criticizing me. 

Our MC - said I was being far to LOGICAL... .and too concerned about the facts.

He was only validating HER thoughts.

He said I needed to be a spectator in the session... .WAY up in the cheap seats.

Problem is ... .VERY hard to sit there... .watching her claim XYZ about ME... .

EVEN from the CHEAP seats... .LOL!

I find myself actually getting angry at the MC... .

AS she tells another preposterous story... .and he says... ."I can imagine that must be really difficult to deal with"... .

ARGH!

HER -"my husband let our pet drive the car!"

MC - "Your husband let the pet drive? I can see where that would have you upset"

I am not sure even the nose bleed seats are far enough away... .

Haha! It IS like groundhog day! In reference to this, I am also a logical person. I find that helps me rather than hurts me. See, once you can understand the pathos of a pwBPD and learn the tools to communicate better, it's a lot easier for me not to get hurt by things he might say, because they are coming from that itchy sweater. Also it might help if you think about how you feel and your emotions, then multiply it. That's how they feel.

My example is a bit personal, but I think it makes the point well. My dBPDh has been experiencing some ED issues the past year. Because of that, our life life has declined, and he's constantly feeling bad for not being able to perform the way he wants to. In typical BPD fashion, he hides from the problem by not going to the doctor, and just checking out of the sex business.

Now, we still have a physical relationship, meaning he pleases me in other ways. The other evening, I wasn't able to... .complete the act. I felt bad, I cried a little because I didn't want him to think it was him, and I was just embarrassed.

At that precise moment, I understood exactly how he felt. Taking into account how bad I felt for that few minutes... .and multiply it by 10, sprinkle in self-doubt and hate, and increase that bad feeling over a year. THAT's how it is for him. Everyday.

Do you see what the MC is doing? All they are doing is validating the feeling, not the fact. It's ok to validate the feeling, even if you don't agree with it.

This had me rolling.  But yes, the marriage counselor is trying to get her to trust them.  If they dealt with them in the first session without building trust, they wouldn't come back.  Unfortunately, validating makes them feel "right", but in truth, they are scared to death to deal with themselves.  I loves the itchy sweater analogy also.

I too am very logical, while my husband is very emotional. I feel like we've got major role reversal--I might like to be more emotional, but he's claimed that territory, so I've got to be the strong silent type. In a way, I feel like I have to suppress my feminine side since he's doing that role--except not cooking or cleaning.

I like the itchy sweater analogy too!

I JUST mentioned this exact thought this morning to my co-workers. My husband had a bad dream and I got up this AM to go walk but he wanted me to stay in bed and cuddle a little longer... .so I did. I said I married such a girl rofl

I love my hubbers though <3 Bless his pickin' heart

To be clear... .the "pet drive car story" was an example analogy... .

(the real stories were far more preposterous... .LOL)