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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: billypilgrim on December 11, 2014, 05:33:10 PM



Title: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: billypilgrim on December 11, 2014, 05:33:10 PM
Mine did.  Mine had an alternate personality/persona (I guess?) that she would always blame her "bad" or "unsettling" behavior on.  For instance, if she was short with me.  Or if she was mean or cold about something, she would blame it on this persona of hers.  She had a name for this persona.  She would even refer to her in conversation, "oh that's something so-and-so would do."  It's been a year or so since last mention of her but for a while there, I would wonder which girl I was dealing with.  I even asked her point blank a couple of times, "Who am I talking to right now?" 

Anyway, I'm curious if others have experienced similar sorts of things.  And also, is this some sort of dissociative behavior or is this something else entirely?  Not to armchair too hard, just generally curious what to make of it.  I plan on bringing this up with my T next week.

Reading this paragraph back to myself makes me wonder what in the world I was thinking.  6 years with this person.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 11, 2014, 05:47:30 PM
Mine did.  Mine had an alternate personality/persona (I guess?) that she would always blame her "bad" or "unsettling" behavior on.  For instance, if she was short with me.  Or if she was mean or cold about something, she would blame it on this persona of hers.  She had a name for this persona.  She would even refer to her in conversation, "oh that's something so-and-so would do."  It's been a year or so since last mention of her but for a while there, I would wonder which girl I was dealing with.  I even asked her point blank a couple of times, "Who am I talking to right now?" 

Anyway, I'm curious if others have experienced similar sorts of things.  And also, is this some sort of dissociative behavior or is this something else entirely?  Not to armchair too hard, just generally curious what to make of it.  I plan on bringing this up with my T next week.

Reading this paragraph back to myself makes me wonder what in the world I was thinking.  6 years with this person.

YES!  For the sake of anonymity, I will say her name was "Ann."

She definitely had dissociative episodes early in our 8 relationship - we were chatting (online) once when we first met and she talked about her tendency to "go away."  I saw it happen often, it was a lot like a shutting down.  A shutting down beyond anything I'd ever seen.

Beyond that, though, I started to recognize different "personalities" about a year before we broke up.  I thought maybe she was DID... .she talked about some memory loss at that time, so I wasn't sure.  When she started seeing a therapist, she began referring to it as her "parts of self." Actually admitted for the first time that she heard voices - her therapist said it was her internal system - a cast of characters that was not well integrated, so different ones popped up at different times. She said her T told her she did not have DID... .but there was still this cast of characters.  'Little Ann,' who was sweet, gentle, needy, always trying to "fix" things, and always worried about being safe.  She was out a lot after we moved in together... .for the first several years, actually. There was another... .seemed like a 10 year old boy.  Another we called "Teenage Ann" - she lied chronically, cheated, was promiscuous - and I think it was this part of self that was Borderline. (Believe it or not, it's not uncommon). Teenage Ann came out several years into the relationship. Then there was Adult Ann.  Was hard to tell the teen and the adult apart.  As I type this, I can't believe that this was actually my life.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 11, 2014, 05:58:37 PM
Mine did.  Mine had an alternate personality/persona (I guess?) that she would always blame her "bad" or "unsettling" behavior on.  For instance, if she was short with me.  Or if she was mean or cold about something, she would blame it on this persona of hers.  She had a name for this persona.  She would even refer to her in conversation, "oh that's something so-and-so would do."  It's been a year or so since last mention of her but for a while there, I would wonder which girl I was dealing with.  I even asked her point blank a couple of times, "Who am I talking to right now?"  

Anyway, I'm curious if others have experienced similar sorts of things.  And also, is this some sort of dissociative behavior or is this something else entirely?  Not to armchair too hard, just generally curious what to make of it.  I plan on bringing this up with my T next week.

Reading this paragraph back to myself makes me wonder what in the world I was thinking.  6 years with this person.


And, by the way, there is the concept of "comorbidity" - that a cluster of disorders presents together.



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: ajr5679 on December 11, 2014, 06:33:39 PM
My ex has three we call them  M1, M2, M3 . M1 is the one that likes having a normal life.

M2 is the one that gets mad and blames everything on everybody else. she will cry, she will blame you for not doing the dishes wright.

M3 is the one that will run away. this is the one that will sleep with someone for revenge. this is the one that will move into another apartment and send her daughter to a homeless shelter. this is the one that has no guilt, fear this one is evil . her kids would tell her that they wished m1 would come back.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: neverloveagain on December 11, 2014, 07:19:45 PM
Oh yes 7 that i know of all with different traits, she used to draw them as she was very artistic. I could tell more of her mind from those drawings than she ever told me. When she was 'bad' the others made made her. I tried too make them fit but in the end i couldnt save her or me so sad.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: HappyNihilist on December 11, 2014, 07:28:44 PM
My exBPDbf referred to himself as Jekyll and Hyde. He would warn me not to "make him" turn Hyde and do something he'd regret.

The rages and blaming were Hyde. He also had his "Casanova" persona, which you can imagine. Jekyll was quite a likable guy, though.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: EaglesJuju on December 11, 2014, 07:44:46 PM
Mine has four of them.  For anonymity we will call my bf Corey.

Monster Corey is full of rage, anger, resentment, hostility and loves to externalize his anger.  His face actually becomes distorted when he is raging, like a sadistic clown.  Monster Corey's eyes become extremely dilated and devoid of anything, but anger.  I only saw Monster Corey twice in four years.  

D'bag Corey knows everything. He can never be wrong and is the best at everything.  :)'bag Corey will make snarky comments about others to make himself feel better. He listens to different music, talks about getting sleeves of tattoos, and swears profusely.  :)'bag Corey mostly comes out during online gaming or when Corey is feeling bad about his physical appearance.

Victim Corey withdraws and likes to isolate himself in the bedroom. His favorite saying is "no one understands my pain."  Victim Corey enjoys blaming me for his problems. He believes that he is a bad person and a burden.  He likes to self-harm.  Victim Corey was the most frequent one, except for Loving Corey.

Loving Corey wants a relatively normal  and stable life.  He is kind, helpful, loving, and funny.  


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Loveofhislife on December 11, 2014, 07:58:11 PM
Yes yes yes! On many posts asking, "Were you warned?" I have answered that he began texting me weeks before the abandonment, "Time to go back to Darkman." He was having intense financial problems--nothing new in that--EXCEPT that I had drawn a very bold line in the sand that I wasn't going to rescue him.  Soon after, he began telling me that he needed to go "dark."  I now believe this was foreboding an abandonment and an implied threat.  I could save him financially, OR ELSE!

He had referred to this ":)arkman" character before; it's his name on Netflix  

The other characters were the incredibly insecure and scared little boy (The Needy Child); the uber charming con artist and the angry, jealous, judgmental "perfect" man (The Angry Child); and then there was Darkman, who member 2010 called "The Silent Protector."

Years ago, the experts were dispelling the diagnosis of multiple personality disorder--REALLY makes me think about the book/movie Sybil, and makes me want to see it again:  this time with my BPD lenses on.  


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 12, 2014, 05:07:53 AM
"Years ago, the experts were dispelling the diagnosis of multiple personality disorder"

It's now referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and it is still a diagnosis in the DSM 5; it is an axis I disorder (while personality disorders are Axis II disorders).

From Wikipedia:

"The most common presenting complaint of DID is depression, with headaches being a common neurological symptom. Co-morbid disorders can include substance abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and personality disorders.  A majority of those diagnosed with DID meet the criteria for DSM axis II personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder; a significant minority meet the criteria for avoidant personality disorder and other personality disorders."

Again... .comorbidity.  I would guess that not all pwBPD present with DID characteristics - but clearly, many do.



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Deeno02 on December 12, 2014, 06:04:29 AM
EGO... .she was a D-1 college athlete, many records from over 20 something years ago, Masters educated, was a college coach, coaches club Volleyball and HS volleyball, no one was as good as her, just ask her, she'll tell you... .ad nauseum.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: peiper on December 12, 2014, 06:29:35 AM
Mine had a few. Sweet, mad, uncaring, cold and just plain mean. I never knew who was going to show up to the rodeo.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Splitblack4good on December 12, 2014, 06:38:51 AM
Mine was caring if I was having a bad day she wound always talk me thru it ask if I was ok would always think of me if she was out shopping etc that's the girl I miss and fell in love with then ther was her sarcastic vindictive persona and also had a back stabbing side to her if she fell out with a freind she would really be nasty bout them then when she needed them she would act as nothing happened ! I used to stand ther and watch her couldnt beleive it no more than a week before she would be slateing them unfairly !


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Leaving on December 12, 2014, 08:11:02 AM
Early in our  marriage when I was confused and trying to sort out our problems, I often wondered if my husband wasn't schizophrenic or have multiple personality disorder.  It sure seems that way doesn't it?  I used to wonder which guy would show up in any given moment.  What I've come to learn is that it's not so much about different personalities as it is my husband's polarized opposing points of view in a conversation or in a single sentence.  For example he says, ' I'm sick of that man, I hate his BS, I'm tired of working with him, I'm going to fire him today but he is a good guy and he's done a lot of nice things for me through the years'  or " I'm not loaning that loser money, he did this to himself and I'm not a bank" but then goes and steals hundreds of dollars out of our business account to give to the guy without telling me. 

My husband can't reason.  It's impossible for him to be able to see the difference between liking someone and respecting someone or not liking someone but still respecting them.  Everything is either white or black, good or bad, nice or mean, cold or hot.  It's impossible for anyone to live in the real world with just two points of view and so my BPD husband struggles so to communicate anything in an intelligent reasonable fashion.  He just can't. 

I don't know who I am married to because as soon as I think I know him, he lets me know in some way that he's not the man I spoke to before.  One day he's Buddhist, the next day he hates Buddhism.  One day he likes someone and the next day he hates them. My husband is a constant contradiction in everything he says and does but even worse, his contradictions become abusive to me and have caused me great harm, loss of money, wasted time and energy, emotional, mental and physical suffering.  I don't know how I managed to stay sane. 

" I'm craving chocolate, I love chocolate wish I had some"... .so, I buy him some chocolate at the store and when I give it to him ( thinking that he'll be thrilled) he says, ' I'm not really into chocolate, strawberry is my favorite flavor'

He likes to fish and wanted a new flyfishing pole and he told me which one he wanted.  He showed me pictures many times and talked about why it was so much better than the others. Every detail, every specification I remembered and kept notes. It was very expensive so I spent months saving for this custom made expensive rod to give him for Christmas last year and was so happy that I could give him something special that he really wanted. When he opened it, he just tossed it to the side and even worse, told me , ' it's ok but the one I really want is... .".  I was so hurt but after that incident, I just gave up trying to know him and I never bought him another gift after that.  In May, he handed it to me and it was broken in half. He told me that he accidentally broke it and was going to call the company for a replacement. I knew he had broken it on purpose because he does this sort of thing all the time.  We had just taken on a new account with a man who owned a huge international fishing company in Europe and my husband managed to garner sympathy from the owner and so he called the company and got them to send my husband a new rod for no charge.  My husband said to me, ' No one has ever cared about me or ever done anything nice for me.  This is the only time in my life that anyone has ever done anything nice for me."  That was the final straw for me.  Truly.  That was in June when I decided it was time to leave.  I didn't bother to respond to his comment.  What would be the point?  I spent 18 very long painful years trying to save my marriage, trying to understand him, supporting him in every way imaginable. I have fixed every single one of his major costly mistakes and accidents, lived with his incessant destructive habits.  My family gave him thousands of dollars to start his company, bought him a racing bike for his birthday that he just had to have, , sent him thoughtful cards for every special occasion, etc...   His family has never once done anything for him or us and wouldn't even allow us to use their printer when we started our business.  They never paid one dime for our wedding and gave us bath towels that didn't match for our wedding present.  Yet, he loves his family, kowtows to them and speaks poorly of mine and blames them for making me so screwed up and ruining our marriage.  He also thinks that our customer has been the nicest most caring and loving person in his life because he got him a new fishing rod.  I don't think that I could experience a life any more bizarre on LSD.

I'm an analytical person so living with him has been hell.  I ignore everything he says to me now.  I mean, I look at him when he's talking but I know everything he says is just mumbo jumbo and holds no meaning or truth or value.  I don't know who he is and I don't care anymore who he is.  I desperately need a job so I can escape this madness asap.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: clydegriffith on December 12, 2014, 10:16:57 AM
I wouldn't say alter egos but more of that she was very good at adapting who she portrayed herself to be from time to time.

When i first met her, she what i like to call the "rich b*tch* persona, as she would buy expensive clothes and pay for stays at 5 star hotels that cost a couple of grand per night. I later came to find out that she was doing all of this with credit cards she had opened using a relative's name.

After that phase, she started opening up to me and became the damsel in distress. After that, that's when i realy really got to know her and find out who she really was, she stopped pretending to be other stuff and i just had to endure the full brunt of her BPD rage. She's now the down on her luck struggling mom who only had 5 kids by 3 guys in 6 years because she's had bad luck with men.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Elpis on December 12, 2014, 12:14:39 PM
Okay, this is just SCARY y'all! I'd say the Jekyll and Hyde thing would describe my uBPDh, except that he got less and less charming as time went on so I was mostly dealing with the one who was paranoid and thought everybody was doing something TO him (including me.) But he seems to be aware of both sides of himself and just accepts that one part of him is very very angry, and he's happy to use that part of himself as "needed."

Thinking about these different aspects of him makes me realize that he was at least trying to pretend to play nice for most of the time since I left (though working to turn our grown children against me and garner sympathy for himself.) The uglier side is becoming more apparent as he is now having his little rages at me via text or email, something I think he was trying to contain in the previous months since I left in February... .



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Leaving on December 12, 2014, 02:08:18 PM
Dream,

Sometimes it is indeed SCARY! 

My husband has absolutely ZERO self awareness and therefore won't respond to therapy.  He truly doesn't believe that he has any problem at all.  Since you mentioned paranoia, I think that is why I suspected my husband was schizophrenic to some degree because he is a very sneaky man.  I mean sneaky in the creepiest ways. He's the king of eavesdropping and it's really gross how he hawks people without even trying to be discreet.   It's astonishing what he notices/knows about other people and yet he can't find milk in our frig. I realize that when he plays stupid about things like milk, he's just forcing me to go to the frig and find it but my point is that he plays stupid and helpless about the most obvious things but knows everything about things the average person would not.   We've lived in our neighborhood for many years and I rarely pay attention to what people drive or wear or anything else yet he knows so many details about everyone that it seems like he socializes with them.  My husband can't hear me yell for him in our little house but he can hear me whisper if he's two rooms down the hall. It's very strange how his brain operates. My husband also likes to sneak up on me in the house and frighten me.  He's never once come home from work and made it known that he was in the house.  He likes to spy on me before he makes his appearance.  Just writing about this really grosses me out and makes me feel so violated because when we first met he would hide behind a large pallet of materials in our stock room at work and stare at me working in my office.  I knew he was doing this but thought he was just a shy sweet guy.  If only I knew then what I know now



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Elpis on December 12, 2014, 08:48:17 PM
Leaving,

that's all pretty creepy! Sounds like both of us just thought "awww, see what a good guy he is!" not realizing the tiny divide between "honey, you're my perfect woman!" and "BAHAHAHHAAA You're the perfect patsy!" lol lol


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Turkish on December 12, 2014, 10:06:03 PM
My T only saw her in new joint session and two individual sessions before she quit. Then he got to hear my side of events, where I tried to keep the emotional experience seperate from the facts and events (after a while, he offered that I was being too analytical).

He's nit an expert on BPD, but said that she seemed to have a very dis-integrated personality. I certainly saw that she could switch roles, but the almost 4 months of dissociative behavior and even withdrawal from the kids for a while was a little frightening, even though fascinating. I guess I saw all the parts of her that any bf ever will, perhaps, because she can never have kids with anyone else due to surgery.

Lawson's characterizations of Waif, Hermit,.Queen and Witch I saw. She was a self described hermit when I met her. It was even her myspace profile. She called herself a Queen, and also a Witch with a B, usually after apologizing in tears later (Waif). She calls herself an abandoned child, and I'm sure if English were her first language she might call herself a Waif. She was a Waif-Hermit when I "rescued" her. My mistake.

I wrote about her here a year ago as acting like "teen mom." When we still did nightly calls fir the kids (which I stopped), I remember calling her back after she called later than normal, but I was getting the kids ready for bed and the phone was in the other room. She was laughing and interacting with my replacement (sounded like they may have just had sex), and she sounded so juvenile, and was disinterested in me being polite and calling back. I said, "kids are sleeping, sorry," she giggled to him. The kids weren't asleep yet, but I ended the call...

I found a way to intercept a lot of what she was writing on our computer to the replacement. I read some of it to my T. His comment was, "skunds very junior high schoolish," and I agreed. It was a personality side of hers I'd never seen. She was mirroring an immature younger man, as she had stopped mirroring me...

I know whom she wanted to be, and in a way still wants to. Mirroring is a survival mechansim fir a person with a fragmented inner self. The juvenile acting out is natural for someone who had a self-described "lost childhood," due to Parentification but her mother due to an abusive, abandoning father.

That I know and experienced all of this is why I don't want to play family with her, though she keeps trying to get me to go due stuff with her and the kids. Though I fail sometimes,.honesty is one of my number one core values. I cant sit there comfortably with her and pretend that what she's showing me is the "real" her. It is, and it isn't. It's just one facet.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 13, 2014, 06:46:32 AM
Mine had a few. Sweet, mad, uncaring, cold and just plain mean. I never knew who was going to show up to the rodeo.

Yup, that about sums it up for me too.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Leaving on December 13, 2014, 10:53:36 AM


Leaving,

that's all pretty creepy! Sounds like both of us just thought "awww, see what a good guy he is!" not realizing the tiny divide between "honey, you're my perfect woman!" and "BAHAHAHHAAA You're the perfect patsy!" lol lol [/quote]
Dream,

The best way to know anyone is by socializing together with their friends and family.  My husband and I rarely did anything with anyone else and that should have been a HUGE red flag.  In fact, at one point he even told me that he told his house mates that he wasn't about to bring me to meet them since he wanted to keep me around. The first time I ever met his parents we met at a restaurant for dinner and his father asked his 40 something year old son to move back home!  Another time some of our coworkers told me that they never take anything he says seriously and just pretend to listen to him'.   Also, Our boss at the time took me out to dinner one night and said, ' He's a nice guy but he's got a lot of bad habits that he doesn't seem to ever change.  I'd stay away from him". 

How could I have been so stupid?  Oh well, I'm not stupid anymore!





Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: downwhim on December 13, 2014, 11:06:56 AM
Toward the end of our relationship he was disassociating. He went to get his hair cut and said he didn't remember going then woke up in the chair she was all done. Weird.

He had an ego that was unbelievable. Loved to look in the mirror, tan and totally enjoyed women looking at him. He would puff out his chest and out came Mr. Ego.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Leaving on December 13, 2014, 02:06:58 PM
Toward the end of our relationship he was disassociating. He went to get his hair cut and said he didn't remember going then woke up in the chair she was all done. Weird.

He had an ego that was unbelievable. Loved to look in the mirror, tan and totally enjoyed women looking at him. He would puff out his chest and out came Mr. Ego.

Down, it just makes me ill when I read your description of your husband. I'm so glad that you're out of that relationship.  Count your blessings! 

Yesterday I checked out my husband's FB page and couldn't believe what I saw... .lots of new selfies and they didn't even look good.  He looked so rough and angry but he doesn't see himself that way at all. 

My husband has a huge ego as well but swears he has no ego at all and is a happy person- after all he is supposed to a Buddhist yogi guru.  No kidding!  But he's a very angry confused miserable man-child. 

My husband is all about creating social props ( pets, books, certain words or phrases)  that create his identity and like your husband he is obsessed with his appearance even to the point that he puts everyone else down in comparison to himself.  Everyone that knows him believes he was a dog lover but he tried to kill both of our dogs and successfully killed one ' accidentally' of course. I still can't talk about it without getting sick to my stomach and heaving.  I will never have another dog as long as he is in my life on any level.  He spends so much time changing clothes and making the perfect outfit.  He stands in front of the mirror with his legs spread, his chest out and his arms flared out and as he walks he looks down at himself.  In the last two or so years, his attitude about women is so bizarre.  He objectifies them and he asked me one day in an angry tone, ' How does it make you feel when you see a hot looking woman?"  Huh?  I told him that all I see is a hot looking woman, so what?' and he got a really strange empty look on his face and then walked away. His puffed up posturing is very strange to observe and it really does give me the creeps but I can't let his behavior get to me.  This morning was horrible and his passive aggression was in high drive but I just let it roll off of me and I literally prayed on my knees in my office that he would leave.  Two weeks ago my N mother told me that one day after I'm free, I'll look back and all of this will seem so insignificant and small and I said, ' No mother, you're wrong.  Time may lessen my trauma but I'll never forget the brutal and malicious abuse that I've lived with for the past 18 years.' 


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Deeno02 on December 13, 2014, 02:12:20 PM
My personal favorite: "you better be careful, Im mean". Should have listened... .lol!


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: billypilgrim on December 13, 2014, 03:38:55 PM
Toward the end of our relationship he was disassociating.

I experienced the same thing.  Mine wrote a letter and said our relationship was never all that great (despite all the cards, photos, memories, blah blah blah I don't need to defend any of this to y'all).  She literally could remember nothing good about our relationship when I asked.  The trips, the house, the wedding, the honeymoon, the tough times when only I was there, the new experiences, nothing.  6 years and no good memories.  This crushed me.  She even said that our first year of marriage was really good but that it was just surface level good.  I don't even know what that means.  It left me wondering, why the heck did you want to get married in the first place (because you know she pushed for it)?  Why was she wanting kids with me?  Why were we looking at new houses?  I mean right?  If the relationship was soo bad.   


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: billypilgrim on December 13, 2014, 03:39:34 PM
My personal favorite: "you better be careful, Im mean". Should have listened... .lol!

Mine said she was needy.  Point blank.  2 weeks in.  I should have listened. 


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 13, 2014, 04:54:41 PM
Toward the end of our relationship he was disassociating.

I experienced the same thing.  Mine wrote a letter and said our relationship was never all that great (despite all the cards, photos, memories, blah blah blah I don't need to defend any of this to y'all).  She literally could remember nothing good about our relationship when I asked.  The trips, the house, the wedding, the honeymoon, the tough times when only I was there, the new experiences, nothing.  6 years and no good memories.  This crushed me.  She even said that our first year of marriage was really good but that it was just surface level good.  I don't even know what that means.  It left me wondering, why the heck did you want to get married in the first place (because you know she pushed for it)?  Why was she wanting kids with me?  Why were we looking at new houses?  I mean right?  If the relationship was soo bad.   

Sounds like she had split you black by the time she wrote the letter.  It's that "all or nothing" thinking.  It's not you, my friend, it's not you.  You can't reason with or understand BPD - not if you're a reasonably healthy, sane human being.



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Leaving on December 14, 2014, 07:44:01 AM
Excerpt
It's not you, my friend, it's not you.  You can't reason with or understand BPD - not if you're a reasonably healthy, sane human being.

That's the most important statement for any of us to remember in every moment!  There is no reasoning with a BPD.

I've kept a journal for many years of my experience being married to a BPD husband but this past summer, his splitting became a bit psychotic and so I made sure I kept my phone in video mode anytime I was with him in conversation.  I'll never forget the morning he verbally attacked me and made up the most bizarre untrue story about me.  He said that he would have never married me if he had known how F'd up I was.  He went on to say that way back in 1992, a woman he worked with came by my workplace with him and told him all about how screwed up I was and he embellished the story with all sorts of reasons why.  First of all, in 1992, I didn't know that woman or my husband and even if she knew who I was, she had never spoken to me.  The other crazy thing was that I had never met my husband until 1996.  I stood there looking at my husband telling me all this crazy stuff and I didn't respond but it was so over the top psychotic that I was scared. I was really scared for my life!   I kept washing the dishes and then finally I said, ' Yes, I'm sorry that I've made you so unhappy."  Of course, that didn't go well because then he knew I was just patronizing him and began assaulting me again.  It's a no win.  We are always damned if we do, damned if we don't.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 14, 2014, 09:23:43 AM
Wow... .just read this article about Schema Therapy by Dr. Jeffery Young. I have gone back and forth about the degree to which my ex might have DID... .it was always confusing to me because there was not much memory loss... .but yet there seemed to be different "personalities"... .kind of.  This article is amazing - I wish I had found it sooner. It explains a lot, and confirms many things I knew and understood intuitively, without ever having the words for it.

https://sites.google.com/site/cognitivetherapycenterofli/self-help-materials/borderline-personality-disorder

and

www.get.gg/schema.htm

and

www.psychcentral.com/news/2014/02/11/new-therapy-shows-promise-for-personality-disorders/65726.html


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Leaving on December 14, 2014, 10:38:04 AM
Wow... .just read this article about Schema Therapy by Dr. Jeffery Young. I have gone back and forth about the degree to which my ex might have DID... .it was always confusing to me because there was not much memory loss... .but yet there seemed to be different "personalities"... .kind of.  This article is amazing - I wish I had found it sooner. It explains a lot, and confirms many things I knew and understood intuitively, without ever having the words for it.

https://sites.google.com/site/cognitivetherapycenterofli/self-help-materials/borderline-personality-disorder

and

www.get.gg/schema.htm


Ok, I know this isn't supposed to be funny but I was reading one of the articles that you referenced ( btw, thanks- very interesting)  and the causes of the disorders ' they are themes like abandonment, abuse, emotional deprivation, defectiveness, and subjugation. "  I thought to myself, ' Gosh, that describes my marriage to my husband!"  I guess that means I'm now disordered  :'(



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Loveofhislife on December 14, 2014, 07:17:33 PM
Thanks so much for the links to the schema therapy articles. What struck me was the guidance for therapists: to view them as vulnerable children who mean no harm and who only are seeking a parent attachment.

Isn't that what we did? Isn't that what broke our hearts; hurt our bodies; and decimated our minds? And most/none of us had no idea what we were getting into... .much less were we equipped to provide a therapeutic setting for our loved ones.

So as educational as the "for therapists" articles are; I am more and more thankful for BPD Family and for each of you who teach and comfort and inform and the moderators who work to keep us centered, as many "self help" sites are anger-oriented: which can be helpful too, but doesn't really move us through the other stages of grieving.

The schemas and the modes certainly look like multiple personalities or the DID as described. And there are definite differences between how male BPD and female BPD manifest the disorder. But I almost NEVER saw the "detached protector" mode--until I was abandoned.



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 14, 2014, 07:36:39 PM
Thanks so much for the links to the schema therapy articles. What struck me was the guidance for therapists: to view them as vulnerable children who mean no harm and who only are seeking a parent attachment.

Isn't that what we did? Isn't that what broke our hearts; hurt our bodies; and decimated our minds? And most/none of us had no idea what we were getting into... .much less were we equipped to provide a therapeutic setting for our loved ones.

So as educational as the "for therapists" articles are; I am more and more thankful for BPD Family and for each of you who teach and comfort and inform and the moderators who work to keep us centered, as many "self help" sites are anger-oriented: which can be helpful too, but doesn't really move us through the other stages of grieving.

The schemas and the modes certainly look like multiple personalities or the DID as described. And there are definite differences between how male BPD and female BPD manifest the disorder. But I almost NEVER saw the "detached protector" mode--until I was abandoned.

Yes... .that's exactly what we did. The difference is that we thought we signed up for a relationship with another person capable of the give, take and compromise in an adult relationship.  The interesting thing for me is that I didn't see the "vulnerable child" until after we moved in together and started co-parenting her 11 year old daughter.  I was dumbfounded as I slowly realized that, in many ways, I was parenting two children.  The real kick in the as* was that, over time, she began to resent me because she didn't feel 'equal' in our relationship. Her therapist even suggested to her that her anger was misplaced - that she was really angry with herself for being so child-like.  In the end it didn't matter - it was still, somehow, my fault. Out came the angry child and detached protector (whom I saw quite often), and everything went to hell in a hand basket.

Truth be told, I loved her - but I didn't sign up for  a therapeutic relationship with a 40 year old child.  If I knew then what I know now, I would have run for the hills.  I want  to be with someone who is capable of the full range of emotions needed to maintain a healthy, adult relationship.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: earthgirl on December 15, 2014, 06:37:13 PM
Yep.

My UPWBP named his.  It was helpful in a way, because it made him less defensive after the fact, to talk about what [insert name here] did or said, as opposed to his own self.  But I think it's creepy and manipulative.  It's not like he is dissociating to the point he is actually another personality.  It seems like a cop-out to me.  

He's actually told me, in a calm moment, to actually *address* this other entity - by the name he gave it - when he is dysregulated; he said he wanted me to try to address it by this name he gave it and ask that personality/entity/whatever to "let me talk to [insert my husband's actual name here.]  

You can imagine how well that actually went over, when I tried it once (and... .only once) when he was dysregulating.  


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Elpis on December 18, 2014, 10:12:10 AM
Okay, Earthgirl, that's just freaky!


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: billypilgrim on December 18, 2014, 12:13:58 PM
He's actually told me, in a calm moment, to actually *address* this other entity - by the name he gave it

Too weird.  Very similar to how mine was.   I remember a handful of times in which I asked "Am I talking to [wife's name] or am I talking to [alternate persona] right now?"  She would give me an answer - as though it were a legitimate question. 

Why do we put up with this?


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: felix22 on December 18, 2014, 01:06:30 PM
Mine will do these accent/personality shifts. The other night, we had a long sad discussion about the state of our relationship. It was very late. I realized that she was talking like a friend of hers; a woman with a strong accent from a different part of the country. Not only using the accent though, also using the attitude. And, I saw this another time. She had been watching a tv series with a different ethnic culture than ours. We got into an argument that night, and she kicked me out of her house, using the same ethnic intonation as her tv show. At the top of her lungs! Language is very catchy and sticky. This went farther than that though and became the donning of a personality. Sortta strange really.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Sandman1881 on December 18, 2014, 03:14:44 PM
I was in a depression. Since that time I've gotten much better.

What happend to you? When are to going to get better?  You took the 100 and lied to my face. Go ahead and laugh.

You took the card this morning and tried to trip me. Who does things like that? Every time I get what seems like a break you turn on your other person and I'm tired of living on edge over this. Will you stop or I can book a place (any place) and survive one week at a time?

You should wake up yourself and see just how you do me.

This stops today.

NOW IM A LIER ASWELL. YOU NEED A BETTER WIMAN


What more can I say? There were at least 2-3 that I was able to recognize.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: lena7 on December 18, 2014, 07:58:02 PM
wow YES! My uBPDh says that when he has an episode, it's actually somebody else inside him taking over


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Elpis on December 18, 2014, 11:06:50 PM
I wonder if given the fact that a pwBPD has little sense of self they are more suggestible when they hear other people so then they pick up those "personalities"?


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Turkish on December 19, 2014, 12:32:28 AM
I wonder if given the fact that a pwBPD has little sense of self they are more suggestible when they hear other people so then they pick up those "personalities"?

So it goes back to mirroring.

I found an old jounal of my Ex in the closet 9 months after she moved out. She had remembered it,.and asked me to return it (nothing like being Mr. Storage). The journal was one she had kept until about the time she met me. I scanned though it, and I was struck by the two district script styles. One entry was in a cursive still which was markedly different from what I knew,.such that I would have thought it was by a different person if not for the content. It was like she was trying out writing differently to affect her reality (I saw that based upon the content).


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Elpis on December 19, 2014, 01:02:36 PM
Turkish, what do you mean by "writing differently to affect her reality"?


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: ucmeicu2 on December 19, 2014, 10:58:38 PM
she never thought of herself as "multiple personalities" (or never admitted, if she did) but fairly early on i asked my xBPDgf if she had any blocks of time she couldn't account for.  first she said no... .a few moments later she said quietly "well yeah sort of... ." and trailed off.

she had abt 5 different "personalities" or "persona's".  what she simply called "parts of herself" that she had "gotten in touch with" over the years.  some of them had names.  one was a scared little girl, one was an avenging protector... .i forget the rest.  surely one of them must have been a slut       ... .i pretty much checked out of THAT conversation b/c it was too frightening for me.  but not enough to check out of the r/s.     i did go w/her one time to therapy and she was showing the therapist her list of these "parts", with names, pictures, their role, etc.  i really expected the therapist to jump up and yell "sybil!  sybil!" but she didn't.  <shrug>

there was another that she didn't know about, but i did.  i didn't notice initially but eventually i realized from time to time her speech would change into "valley girl speak".  so totally bizarre.

"Reading this paragraph back to myself makes me wonder what in the world I was thinking.  6 years with this person."

well {{hugz}} you're sure not alone.  4 yrs for me and i ask the same question.  the good news? if you ask the right questions long enough you do begin to get answers.  :)


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Turkish on December 19, 2014, 11:11:57 PM
Turkish, what do you mean by "writing differently to affect her reality"?

A lot of the content was "magical thinking." Page after page of writing down what she wished for in life: the BMW, the 5 bedroom house, referring to her Ex as "my husban [name]." Like writing it would make it so. I mostly scanned the pages, but took the time to read the cursive script because it was very unlike her normal cursive handwriting. It was very neat, unlike what I could come up with if I tried.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: felix22 on December 20, 2014, 07:24:49 PM
Lots of magical thinking w/her too. An endless vision, quest, and conversation about what she wanted for the future.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Turkish on December 20, 2014, 11:05:22 PM
Lots of magical thinking w/her too. An endless vision, quest, and conversation about what she wanted for the future.

Some of mine's was cultural. We had a large mirror in the living room. I said I was going to bring it back (along with a lot of other stuff she left in my house despite having months to prepare to leave). She said she would leave it so it could watch over the children. I gave it back to her. That spooked me a bit.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Elpis on December 22, 2014, 12:48:50 PM
Some of mine's was cultural. We had a large mirror in the living room. I said I was going to bring it back (along with a lot of other stuff she left in my house despite having months to prepare to leave). She said she would leave it so it could watch over the children. I gave it back to her. That spooked me a bit.

INDEED that would spook me too!

Turkish, what do you mean by "writing differently to affect her reality"?

A lot of the content was "magical thinking." Page after page of writing down what she wished for in life: the BMW, the 5 bedroom house, referring to her Ex as "my husban [name]." Like writing it would make it so. I mostly scanned the pages, but took the time to read the cursive script because it was very unlike her normal cursive handwriting. It was very neat, unlike what I could come up with if I tried.

Ah! Interesting! my uBPDh had lots of thoughts for the future and what we would do in retirement, even though we didn't really do the stuff he wanted to do for recreation in the last decade. (Maybe the TALKING about it was the recreation!) And then there was his constant cry of "I'm gonna have to work till I die!" Blecch.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: jhkbuzz on December 22, 2014, 01:44:16 PM
she never thought of herself as "multiple personalities" (or never admitted, if she did) but fairly early on i asked my xBPDgf if she had any blocks of time she couldn't account for.  first she said no... .a few moments later she said quietly "well yeah sort of... ." and trailed off.

she had abt 5 different "personalities" or "persona's".  what she simply called "parts of herself" that she had "gotten in touch with" over the years.  some of them had names.  one was a scared little girl, one was an avenging protector... .i forget the rest.  surely one of them must have been a slut       ... .i pretty much checked out of THAT conversation b/c it was too frightening for me.  but not enough to check out of the r/s.     i did go w/her one time to therapy and she was showing the therapist her list of these "parts", with names, pictures, their role, etc.  i really expected the therapist to jump up and yell "sybil!  sybil!" but she didn't.  <shrug>

there was another that she didn't know about, but i did.  i didn't notice initially but eventually i realized from time to time her speech would change into "valley girl speak".  so totally bizarre.

"Reading this paragraph back to myself makes me wonder what in the world I was thinking.  6 years with this person."

well {{hugz}} you're sure not alone.  4 yrs for me and i ask the same question.  the good news? if you ask the right questions long enough you do begin to get answers.  :)

If she was talking about her "parts of self" she must have been in therapy - a therapist would have given her that lingo.

Check out Schema Therapy by Dr. Jeffrey young... .all those parts of self are represented.  www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: ucmeicu2 on December 22, 2014, 04:47:31 PM
If she was talking about her "parts of self" she must have been in therapy - a therapist would have given her that lingo.  Check out Schema Therapy by Dr. Jeffrey young... .all those parts of self are represented.  www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm

oh yes, she has been in therapy her entire life!   born into it.  she knows ALL the lingo, all the workings, all the secrets of the trade.   her father was a therapist.  and SHE is a therapist, too!  well, she got her degree but has never been licensed or held a job.  although she "works" with people in an unofficial capacity.   ie, she plays therapist to them  -- without their knowledge or permission.  then she journals about how taxing it is to "work" with "all these f*@kers".

and she LIES to her therapists!  she manipulates them and wraps them around her little finger and demands special services, longer appts, phone calls @ off hours, appts on weekends, etc and you know what?  THEY ALLOW IT.  why?  bloody h*ll WHY?   b/c she's just THAT good, i guess.   there is only ONE person that i ever ever ever knew of that doesn't buy her BS and thats her probation and parole officer.  they told her flat out to stop leaving long voice mails, that they weren't even listening to it -- they just delete it, lol.  other than that?  she owns the world.  why don't the therapists ever ask me or her family to come in and pick our brain about her behaviors?  it's perplexing!  i guess she's convinced them that we're all abusers.  

i guarantee you, she is not in therapy to get better.  she's there for narcissistic supply!  she gets to bend their ear and it's "all about her" for upwards of 1.5 hrs FOUR times a week.

classic waif BPD  she's a victim.  everybody is an abuser.  she needs to be saved but refuses the help when you give -- or try  -- to give it to her.   she bats her eyelashes, acts demures, seduces, etc.

yes, my xBPDgf holds a therapy degree! how she made it thru high school, let alone college is beyond me b/c her entire life has been one big snowball effect of symptoms/illnesses.  her laundry list?  too long for me to even remember!  she's been to rehab 5-6 times, been to jail @ least 7 ties, went to prison for dui's for 2 yrs... . she hid it ALL from me in the beginning so that when i did see  any red flags i dismissed my own gut!  depression, bi-polar, BPD, OCD, NPD or narcissism, chronic alcoholism, suspended license (revoked for life now), jailtime, prison for felony DUI's, anorexia, bulimia, binging/purging (forced puking), abuse of laxatives and OTC and prescription meds, overdosing, suiccide threats and attempts, cutting, head banging, lying, promiscuous sex, a penchant for homeless/schizophrenic lovers (WOW ick!), entitlement,  i mean is there more?  of course there is but i'm gonna have to stop for now b/c i'm getting myself worked up.

currently i fiind myself in the middle of a horrific Smear Campaign by her against me.  everything she hates about herself she is projecting back onto ME and telling the world about it.  it's crazy as hell but the worst thing?  she's beautiful and seductive and oh so convincing so guess who they believe?  her!  wow i rue the day i ever met her.



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: SpringInMyStep on December 22, 2014, 05:03:36 PM
Yes, mine said she had multiple personalities. Over 100 of them. I interacted with several of them regularly. After researching BPD and realizing the depth of her mental illness, I do not believe she is actually multiple. I think it's a symptom of the dissociation that happens with BPD.



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Mr Hollande on December 22, 2014, 05:14:49 PM
Yes. Not having read any of the other replies here yet but mine said she'd created her own world when she was little where no grown ups existed.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Loveofhislife on December 26, 2014, 10:43:23 AM
classic waif BPD  she's a victim.  everybody is an abuser.  she needs to be saved but refuses the help when you give -- or try  -- to give it to her.   she bats her eyelashes, acts demures, seduces, etc... .

currently i fiind myself in the middle of a horrific Smear Campaign by her against me.  everything she hates about herself she is projecting back onto ME and telling the world about it.  it's crazy as hell but the worst thing?  she's beautiful and seductive and oh so convincing so guess who they believe?  her!  wow i rue the day i ever met her.

And the truly amazing thing is the people WHO SHOULD KNOW (exbfBPD probation officer, mother, ex-wives, landlords) OTHER PEOPLE HE HAS DEFRAUDED continue to listen to and enable the smear campaigns.

I also completely agree about the role of projection that you wrote--everything he hates about himself, he projected onto me.  It took me a long time to figure out why he accused me of being a cheater, hypersexual, a liar, etc.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: milo1967 on December 27, 2014, 02:46:24 PM
Reading this thread in amazement and recognition:

My XW (absolutely BPD, undiagnosed and likely DID) had/has several distinct personalities, most of which have been touched on here:

Sweet, nurturing, sexy, incredibly happy and quite accomplished adult--the woman I fell in love with

Haughty, domineering and rude--particularly toward any "lay person" (service people, maids, waiters, etc.)

Chillingly cold: narrowed eyes, just a frightening mask of an utter stranger who looked at me with contempt. (It was this that drove me to divorce her; it was with this persona that she devalued and split me black as I begged her to stop hurting me with her behaviors)

The far-away person: she would zone out, often while conversing. Almost like a trance. I would snap my fingers and call to her, and she would very slowly return to reality, turning her head to me, usually with a blank, semi-serene, "What?" Others have remarked on this as well as our young children. ("Where does Mommy go?" Her third lawyer refused to represent her, saying, "Something is wrong with this person. She doesn't remember emails, even entire conversations."

But the most striking was the Little Girl, and I believe this, if anything, is her baseline state. And I don't mean a childlike innocence. I mean a grown woman complete with a contrived baby voice, curled in a child's posture, with expressed helplessness in all adult matters. She always lapsed into this baby talk with her mother who did the same, and who is at least bi-bipolar (diagnosed). Listening to them converse was bizarre; they were literally two very young children. When I told her I wanted a divorce, she assumed this persona, following me around the house with hands literally grasping at me like a toddler, shaking her head and screaming "No no no no no no!

Just writing this brings it all back and I am equally amazed at myself at not quite grasping just how troubled she is. I wonder if my replacement (a psychiatric nurse no less) has seen these yet.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: felix22 on December 27, 2014, 04:51:17 PM
That's part of what's so difficult about pwBPD, from my undiagnosed experience. You see this stuff, acting like a child, acting like another persona, the helplessness, etc... And, it sort of breaks your heart. They really do need help. Then Sting! You get stung again.


Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: Elpis on December 28, 2014, 01:18:34 PM
I've just been reading up on contempt because of a couple of threads around here. I'd been trying to put my finger on the feeling behind the way my uBPDh talks to me via texting and voicemails, it drips with something dismissive and "you are stupid." I'm starting to think it's contempt. All I could think of before was "condescending" which still carries the "i am smarter than you" idea. Dictionary.com says: "to behave as if one is conscious of descending from a superior position, rank, or dignity." For contempt it says: " contempt is disapproval tinged with disgust." The more I read the worse I feel!

His personality includes:

Mr Nice Guy, sensitive and caring and funny. (I used to see this one sometimes.)

Scarred victim child. Conversations about his childhood, sometimes after he had raged and belittled me and called me names. Also the "don't leave me" persona.

Alpha Man. "I will run you over with the force of who I am." A sneer in his voice, the belief that he is Bigger-Better-Stronger-Smarter than me. The Bully. <------ this is who I left.



Title: Re: Did yours have alter Egos/Personalities?
Post by: tvda on February 13, 2021, 12:54:21 PM
Multiple personalities... Good question. I wouldn't exactly call it multiple personalities. I have a close friend with true dissociative identity disorder, and trust me, that's a whole other level, but for all practicality the end result is close. Here's my personal experience:

1) I would rather say that my exBPD would have intense but fleeting emotions, going from one extreme to the other. Of course that feels like multiple personalities, but I would rather describe that as 'one person changing their minds and moods often, quickly and intensely'.

2) Dissociation did happen during times of extreme stress and fear of an imminent breakup. This was scary, as she would 'disappear' and turn into some kind of emotionless zombie.

3) She had dissociative amnesia for sure, complicating things even further. She could block out good times or bad times, deforming her view of people and things.

4) She often referred to her shadow-side, and her good side. And feel guilty and ashamed of her shadow-side, and say "that's not the real me".

5) In the end, I started to feel that her "shadow-side" became a convenient excuse for bad behaviour and a lack of empathy. I'm not saying this was deliberate, but you do start to feel that it becomes a bit selfserving to compartmentalise for her... Doing bad things and then saying "but that's my shadow-side, that was not me". Sort of an easy excuse for crappy actions.

6) I did go along in her "good side/shadow-side" reasoning for a while. Making excuses for her, almost. Near the end I started to integrate her two sides in my own mind, no longer seeing this as an excuse, and saying to myself "this is one person. One single person. The bad is just as much part of her as the good." And that was the start of my recovery I think.

What I'm trying to say is: I had started to compartmentalise her as well, sweeping the bad under the rug of the shadow-side, and keeping on seeing her as all-good. This made the breakup and losing her much more painful, since I lost someone all-good. And ignored the shadow version of her. Seeing both sides as one person made it easier to let go.