BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I've been on the leaving board but it looks like my pwBPD are trying again so I'm moving over here! We're in a conflict because I am looking at a job that might mean I'd have to move across the country and she is (understandably) upset. I haven't decided on the job but I do feel committed to exploring it as a possibility. This time around, I want to see if SET helps us move through conflict, but I'm still very new to it, so I was hoping to get some feedback here before I give it a go. Here's what I'm thinking of texting (the fight is happening over text-- I could call but I'm worried the fight would take hours on the phone):

Support: I understand your need for clarity and continuity and support you in these things to the best of my ability.

Empathy: And I understand and totally get why you are upset that I am thinking about taking a job that would move me across the country when you have said that you don't want to go.

Truth: I would like to follow through with the job possibility-- I will hear back from them in a few weeks and then we can talk about the decision (if there is a decision to be made).

Am I getting there? Any suggestions? Thanks so much.

Here's another try:

Support: I know that this situation is very anxiety producing for you and support your efforts to seek clarity and comfort in that anxiety.

Empathy: It makes total sense why you would be upset and I can see how painful it is for you.

Truth: I wasn't able to talk last night because I was so tired but we can make another time to talk if you would like.

"I can feel your frustration.  I'd like to talk to you in person about this; I'm finding it hard to discuss through text.  Plus, I'd like to see you!  Want to get together later for coffee or something to eat?"

Maybe, I'm way off base, but it sounds like this is a pretty important situation, kc sunshine.  Might be better to talk it about it fact to face, what do you think?

Hi KC Sunshine,

It sounds like you are going through a difficult situation.  I have a couple of questions. Are you and her officially back together?  If you got the job, would you be willing to continue the relationship?  

It is hard for anyone to cope with a loved one moving so far away.  When you are factoring in abandonment issues, it is another story.

I think you have a good understanding of SET.  Instead of texting, can you speak to her in person?  It might be easier for her in person.

thanks so much you all! I like the lightening of the tone that 123 Phoebe suggests. 

Support: I know that this situation is very anxiety producing for you and support your efforts to seek clarity and comfort in that anxiety.

Empathy: It makes total sense why you would be upset-- it is hard and confusing to think about the possibility of getting back together when there is a possibility of me moving. 

Truth: I wasn't able to talk last night because I was so tired but I do want to talk. Plus, I'd like to see you!  Want to get together later for coffee or something to eat? I could meet sometime after 1.

Does this feel natural to you?  What I mean is, is this the way you usually talk to her, using words like -- "anxiety producing", "seeking clarity"?  If so, then throw them in, I guess.  Otherwise, keep it as natural as possible :)

I'm just wondering if this could be shortened up a bit?  Saving the heart of the discussion for outside of text.

I agree with Phoebe, I would shorten it and save the bulk of the conversation outside of texting. 

hi all, I followed the advice and shortened it up-- seemed good and she was up for meeting. The conversation that followed took 4 hours though. It didn't really move into dysregulation though, so that is good. After about 3 hours, I was really exhausted and also worried about being away from work so long. I was too tired to SET well, but tried something like this

S: This conversation is really important to me and I want it to continue.

E: (Not sure about this-- I tried to say it in an empathetic tone though)

T: I am exhausted and losing my equilibrium a bit. Let's take a break and keep talking later.

so exhausting.

Sounds good. I would be exhausted after 4 hours too.  How did you think the conversation went?  Are you going to continue the conversation soon?

On the one hand, it didn't really work, and we ended up talking for about an hour more.    :'(

on the other hand, she didn't dysregulate when I tried to get off, so SET must have helped.

I'm so tired. How do people deal with the exhaustion these kind of engagements? Does it get easier as SET gets more natural to do?