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Need some advice-  my uBPDw and I are in the midst of another period of dis association, painted black etc. We do go out 2 nights a week and have a good time. The other 5 days I barely see her due to her work schedule and social calendar. So heres my dilema- for the past month or so every effort to communicate have been initiated by me, mostly through phone calls sometimes via text. Unless I specifically ask her to call me I do not hear back from her. This behavior is the complete opposite of how she typically is. At this point do I hold back on the calls? I feel like I am chasing someone that may or may not want to be chased. Or do I continue calling and showing that I love her and am thinking about her. ? Would stopping the attempts to communicate feed the fire? Or perhaps awaken something within her to initiate a call to me? 

 

Tough one to answer... .I think we need more information.

Very general guidance:  Calling is ok... .just don't "chase".  So... .make plans... .call and invite her... and go on with your plans if she comes or not. 

Make sure you don't take the bait if she tries to provoke.

Again... I think a bit more info is needed.

How are you doing with being able to validate feelings?

working like heck at validating. Problem is I get such limited responses to any dialogue I might start. Tough to validate when rarly being spoken too. One of the issues we have dealt with for years were her feelings that I never called enough or called to just say 'hello". I am trying very hard to work on some of the issues of our past. Me not getting frustrated and resentful at her for not responding is one of them... My heart says to continue showing love whether its reurned or not and keep reaching out. My ego says " I feel like a school kid chasing a crush". 

I was going through the same exact thing with my bf.  I agree with Formflier, do not chase her.  I sent him a few texts here and there to let him know I am still there for him and care. I did not call him every day and gave him the opportunity to call me.  I gave it a little bit of time.

I do not know the specifics of your situation, but I found that giving my pwBPD a little bit of space validated his needs when he was disassociating. 

Remember... .step 1 of validation is "don't invalidate"... .  if silence accomplishes that... .then you are ahead.

After that... validate what you can... .

Then... go on with your life... keep yourself strong... .openings will appear... you need to learn how to spot openings and use that for the benefit of your r/s

thank you eagles/form...   fyi- I called earlier just to say hello, good morning, hope your days going well etc... left voicemail. received a text shortly thereafter- "hi... .hope ur having a great day... .njoy...   seems the more i reach out the further away she goes... Will take your advice about chasing... Thanks!  trying to keep myself strong. not the best

Hey... I want to make sure we are not missing something here... .

So... .you left the voice mail... .and then you got a text back from her that you put in above.

Correct?

I'm not seeing how that is "further away"

I"ll hush and let you explain... .most likely I am missing something here.

yes. i left her a voicemail and she texted me back a little while later with the message I wrote. When i say further away its because she was never one to text. always told me how much she hated texting vs calling. Additionally wheneve I do see her at home she treats me like i barely exist. I f I dont go up to her she will not come to me to say hello or converse in any way... Maybe I am trying too hard? Being too sensitive?

Yes... .but... .let me rephrase this.

Don't take it personally.  This was a MASSIVE lightbulb moment from me... when I learned to not take things personally...  Not saying I'm perfect at it... .but I have made great strides.

The actions of your partner are not about you... .the actions are about their feelings.

Repeat that many... .many... many... .many... .times.

How will this change your outlook on the relationship?  

I agrere. In the past month or so within all the reading I have been doing I continually see the need to de personalize her emotions/outbursts. Easier said than done but I am definitely focusing on that... thanks!