BPDFamily.com

Thanks to this forum for the warm welcome... .it's wonderful support to read everyone's stories and feel understood for the first time by others experiencing the same things.

As the youngest daughter of 2, I've spent most of my life using my sister and mother, both uBPD, as examples of how NOT to live my life. I'm lucky to have broken the cycle. I live an independent and fulfilling life and have a wonderful and nurturing relationship with a great man who has a perfectly normal family - a Godsend. His welcoming and warm family has made it very sad for me to reflect on my own.

I'm more aware than ever that my family dynamics are completely out of control. My sister at 32 years old splits, throws tantrums, hoards my mother's attention and resources, and turns her against me on a whim. My mother tries to appease my out-of-control sister and is easily influenced by her opinions. She frequently blames me for my sister's tantrums when all I really do is refuse to engage with her when she starts yelling. I've always been expected to agree and submit to my sister's wishes; but at 26 years old, I'm tired of being the pawn in my family. My dad knows that "emotions run high" in his family but doesn't have any leverage or power to influence. Most of the time I feel like a victim in my family - I am blamed for any conflicts simply because I choose to live a healthy life and I don't follow the restrictive and illogical "rules" my mom has set out for me that has caused my sister to live a very unhappy life. I don't even bother defending myself because it goes nowhere with uBPD individuals; they see what they want to see. After years of thinking that my logical thinking must be fundamentally flawed in some way, counseling helped me realize that my mom and my sister both have very destructive and unhealthy lifestyles, and that my instinct of this was correct the whole time.

Does anyone else wonder why we continue to want our families close when all they seem to do is cause chaos? Is it just a fruitless longing of a life we will never have? Will we be forever destined to be the calm within the storm? Can we find happiness with these chaotic families?

Excellent question. I think it matters where on the spectrum your BPD/NPD lies.  Some are far worse than others.  Some BPD have been diagnosed, others would cut your head off for even mentioning their behaviour is less than perfect.  Many of us were told “to honour your parents” and forgive their sins, and better still we should help them find salvation. Got to hang around to help someone. Many of us had thicker F.O.G. to navigate and may still be trapped. Then there are the financial anchors, and the need to cut out not just the BPD but associates. Some of us were the scapegoats, and hence got more of the abuse .

For me it’s easy my BPD and NPD are both pathological and aggressive as hell    . As I’m the scapegoat I’m the main target. So you can probably guess where on the  NC, LC, S.E.T. spectrum I am. Question is where are you ?  

":)oes anyone else wonder why we continue to want our families close when all they seem to do is cause chaos? Is it just a fruitless longing of a life we will never have? Will we be forever destined to be the calm within the storm? Can we find happiness with these chaotic families?"

I agree with the points the previous writer had posted.  I also think we can hang with hope that the next interaction will be different, if I only did or said the right thing circumstances would be different, if I was a better communicator it would be different, and so on.  Letting hope die is what I have had to use to let go. My sister and I have been NC for a year now with my Father uNPD and his new wife uBPD.  My brother still goes to visit and spends some holidays with them.  Does my brother enjoy time spend with our Father and his wife, I really don't think so.  Do I long to having a loving father?  I do.  Will that ever happen with my biological Father, no.

I am the scapegoat, too!   So tired of that role.   Since I live out of state, I was able to reduce my association  with my mother in law down to once a year.  I stopped calling her about 15 years ago.  Since then I have learned alot about narrsisstic BPD.  That is what she is but will never admit to it or the pain she has caused to many family and friends for years.  Now my daughter is BPD.  I think it is part genes.  Lucky with her, she admits she has BPD, gets therapy, but life with my adult child is a roller coaster.  She still lives at home.  She did live on her own a few times, but got her self "better" at home.  She is very functional.  Has a profession.  Very proud of her.  HOWEVER,  I am the scape goat. What she cannot handle is my fault.  The abuse from her comes to me from name calling, blame, tantrums, swearing, to I won't talk to you for days.  Actually, I am starting to enjoy her silence.  I love her to death.  I am her mom. She has moved forward in large steps to make herself happy. That makes me happy for her. Part of my hope came true.  Again, however, I have lost hope of ever having a close loving relationship with my daughter.  This makes me cry.  I feel your pain.  Sometimes I think that the way they trust us is by trusting us with their skewed emotional thinking= scapegoat. ?