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I am 29 years old. I have been in 4 serious relationships. I can honestly say that in a couple of them, I was not a very good partner. My most recent relationship with my exBPD was the one I was going to give it my all and be the best partner I could possibly be. It had been a long time since I was in a serious relationship and I was looking for someone to settle down with and have a family with. First of all, I made a terrible mistake of knowingly entering the relationship as someones replacement. I was so eager for someone to love that I ignored all of the red flags. Throughout the relationship I made so many sacrifices for us to be together. Even paying for a hotel room 2 times per week. It got expensive. I worked my a$$ off at work and got a promotion, which led to us getting an apartment. I paid all the bills, I bought everything for both of us, I paid her cell phone bill and put gas in her car. Meanwhile she complained about having to clean. I caught her emotionally cheating on me. She had been texting another guy for 3 weeks. I took her back and fed into the idea that it happened because I wasn't giving her enough attention. She had me so brainwashed and concentrated on pleasing her needs. I would wake up to her going through my phone every morning. She had the password to everything of mine. She would look at my facebook activity log and ask me why I searched for a a certain person (if it was a girl, I was obviously searching her because I wanted to cheat). So much distrust, meanwhile she was the one doing things behind my back.

21 Days NC and 7 weeks post b/u and she is supposedly "so happy" in a relationship with the replacement. She has everyone believing that I was abusive and that she finally got the strength to leave me. My emotions are so different day to day. One day angry, the next sad, the next anxiety stricken. When will I be able to be myself again? I can't focus on anything for too long. This woman is NOT wife material. I'm tired of wasting my tears on her.

It is tough but look on the bright side - at least you didn't get married.  These people cannot love in exactly the same way that I cannot sing.  Or if  I can then it is very badly.

Pity your replacement and count your blessings - you are out of it. 

I'm doing my best to focus on that very thing. Counting my blessings that we didn't get married or have children. My heart is still catching up with my brain. I had so much of myself emotionally invested into this... .

Hi Xidion, it is only 21 days NC for you. I've read on here around the 80 day b/u mark seems to be the hardest.  The emotions are still raw. You are still going through the different phases of grief. You will flip easily between each of them on ocassion. Expect that will happen. One day you will be miserable, the next angry, the next bargaining with yourself about how you can still have her in your life.

It's good to be aware of the different phases so you know what to expect:

www.psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

Just hold on. I know it sounds lame, but everyone is right when they say you will get better. It is like a sine wave or when you give up smoking. At first the cravings are strong and happen regularly. Then over time, they lessen and spread out - you notice it has been several hours since you felt like one. Then suddenly one day you will realise that when you woke up that morning, you didn't think about her :).

Have some little practices prepared for when it is unbearable. Like friends you can call on for support, meditate or exercise you can do to help get out the frustration and anger. Draw bad stick people. Watch comedies on Youtube for a laugh. Recognise you will try and bargain about her again with yourself ('if I can't be her bf, what about just a friends with benefits arrangement then?' NO.)

Just hang on and you will get through  

Oh man I really hope I don't start doing the bargaining with myself thing.

maybe I should rob a store and get sent to prison just to be safe?

How long was the relationship?

I, too, felt used after it was all said and done. My ex also had an emotional affair. It was with some bloke who lived on the other side of the world! They would Skype every day and I read some of the conversations. She flat out said to him via text she was using me. Hurt so much, man.

The relationship was 20 months. We had plans to spend our life together, etc. We signed the apartment lease together, etc. She had an emotional affair with a guy that lived in the same town, so whether or not she actually cheated physically, I don't know. I worked evenings, so the possibility is there.

lol lol lol  :) :) :) :) :)

I mentioned that because it is EXACTLY what I did at one point. Bargaining. With myself. 'What if we just did this... .or I think that would work?' WHAT WAS I THINKING! Luckily I re-read over the 'awful things she did list'. That firmly cemented in my mind there was no doubt I could EVER do anything with her again. It would just end in recycle and more grief. As it is, I have LC and the occassional catch up with her. But that is only recent after several months of NC. I'm trying to tell myself I am doing it out of compassion although not sure how much more 'compassion' I am going to continue to have, we shall see but there will be no going back to anything ever like relationship ever again. At best, I would describe it as 'friendly' rather than friends. And the 'friendly' is all my doing of course. I'm just devalued now and get her angry parent voice :). I'm seeing it more and more as an amusing test of detachment. Angry parent voice has no impact on me but makes me smile on the inside :)

Oh, also meant to suggest Xidion what worked for me.

I stopped seeing her as 'person I fell in love with/had a realtionship with' and started pretending she was an alien, a stranger I did not know at all. Then when things would get tough I would ask myself 'but why are you sad about ending it with this stranger? You didn't even know her nor she you.'

I will try that. I will try anything at this point.

I suggest reading a few models of the disorder.  Like some of the site suggested books and some books writen about the disorder for therapists.