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My roommate/friend is a pretty troubled person. She has many of the same traits as my uBPDh, only at least my h can be charming. My friend is missing that part.

She tantrums in her own way and acts like a butt-hurt 13 year old when something isn't the way she specifically wants it. She doesn't like anything moved or touched or to see anything new or different when she walks in the door. She's super messy and leaves her stuff wherever, and if I move it so I don't trip over it in the living room she has dark little fits.

Each of the 3 1/2 months I've lived with her she has said: month one--"i don't know if this is going to work out, us living together," month two--"i don't know if this is going to work out" and three--"the cat has to be gone tomorrow, and I want you to move out by March." Well then.

So during this friendly little "talk" a partial list of my offenses were:

1- I bought new white trashbins with lids to replace the open, breaking crate for recycling and the open garbage can that sit in the kitchen. This was me controlling her.

2- I took my Christmas stuff down before she did (hers is still out.)

3- Sometimes I talk to her when she gets home from work.

4- I straightened out the freezer.

? These are all signs of me controlling her. She had a fit that me straightening the freezer was like if she was to go into my bedroom and rip my covers and sheets off. I said no, that's my private space, the freezer is in our shared space.

she again brought up 5- my moving things in the bathroom, kitchen, and hall closet to make a little room for my stuff which was also controlling her. Project much?

She also sat in very self-righteous facial expression and posture and told me how she believed me when I first moved in about the bad things i'd been through with my h (we've all known each other for years) and would tell people she talked to about how he was mean and had done this and that (odd, I don't remember those being public conversations,) UNTIL she realized There Are Two Sides, and that he is doing so many things to be a better person and that both people need to work on their issues and that I Am Not Trying Hard Enough, and I Owe Him. She also did (for the second time in 2 weeks) this thing where she puts on an earnest face and puts her hands open and up and says "And I have not been talking to h!" Hmm... .sounds suspiciously like you have been talking to h... .

Anyway she blathered on about how I am refusing to cooperate with him and on and on and tried to force an answer out of me about going to marriage counseling with him. I said "I don't see where that is any of your business."

i said I was glad to start packing right then, so her parting shot as she was sweeping out the door was about my fibromyalgia which happens to be a chronic pain and fatigue disorder "And you have flares to avoid dealing with things, and then I feel guilty, and i'm sure so do others." WHAT? The flares are simply a result of too much stress, overdoing with my physical activities... .What a selfish person I must be, being chronically exhausted and in pain just so I can manipulate others and make them feel guilty for treating me badly and the stress causing a flare.

She also very melodramatically said she's told her children there is nothing to salvage of our friendship! I've known them for years as well, so I guess they'll figure out what really happened.

Her own sister told her that she should just admit that the truth is she's a b**ch and their family members are all slobs and she needs to live alone.

It's been quite surreal, and i'm glad I didn't get my shelves hung on the wall... .or buy that desk last week.

So some actual friends, the kind that are nice and loving and helpful, are helping me get the heck out of Dodge ASAP. So I've been getting stuff packed, got a storage unit to start putting stuff in, and i'm gonna go stay with one of those friends temporarily.

I've stayed so many places since I left home in February 2014 that when i'm sitting and reading and I blink, I momentarily forget whose couch i'm sitting on. It's pretty disorienting!

So that was a long vent. If you read the whole thing, thanks. I guess I just hope other people relate to the crazy-making of the nonsensical nature of my roommate/ friend and how my head is now spinning... .

Wanted to send you a great big hug! 

As I read the part about your room mate saying that you weren't trying hard enough, I cringed. You have worked so hard to get this far. Don't let her crappy comments get you down. Whenever somebody says anything about me trying harder, I want to scream. I have tried so hard for so long that it is time to put more focus on me instead of some guy that can sure put on a good show. Yep, your husband may be going to counseling and putting on a good show but it sounds like it isn't really changing anything. That is the way things are in my case. He can claim that he is going to counseling and doing his 12 step stuff but I am doing absolutely nothing. Oh well, take a deep breath and try to make it through another day.

Thank you Vortex! This is exactly why I knew I needed to come here and post--people understand!

At least I've moved from feeling total guilt and second-guessing myself when someone says that sort of thing to wanting to throw them on the floor and jump up and down on their neck... .

I do cringe a little, always, but I have to continue to look at the long view and know that eventually things will shake out, maybe my uBPDh will start throwing tantrums again or somebody will wake up and see the truth. What I know right now is that I've made a few friends who are disturbingly like my h (and my mother!) so of course they'll side with him. I need to shake the dust from my flip-flops and move on... .

That really sucks Elpis, sorry to hear that you are going through this.  This is a time when you need validating people in your life and this woman sounds like a nightmare! 

I know what you mean about making friends like your ex & mother, I had a 19 yr. friendship come to an end this past summer.  She didn't approve of my decision to recycle back in February and it strained our r/s and then after our second BU she was really hard on me and I called her on it and she didn't like this and discarded me!  Since then, I'm starting to see how much she was like my ex and mom in the way she was judgmental and telling me how to live my life all the time.  She wasn't like that when I met her, not sure what happened.  It's been difficult as I would have considered her my closest friend but somehow I feel that leaving this friendship is me 'growing up' finally.

I hope you find a place to live where you are nurtured and validated bc that is what you need and deserve!

Thank you Pingo!

For me I think what happened in this relationship and another one who I believe is Narcissistic, I allowed them to bust my boundaries in the name of "helping" them and loving them and accepting them. And then by starting to take care of myself and say "Nuh-uh, you may NOT step past this line!" they became alienated. And you're right, not a huge loss, especially since it's a sign of us growing up.

I highly suspect that she is talking to your husband.

  Elpis, I'm sorry you're having to deal with someone like this, after all you've been through!


You're right -- it's not a huge loss at all. :)

I found this happening after my breakup, too, when I began to establish/enforce boundaries. I've slowly been divesting myself of people in my life who weren't healthy for me. In doing so, I've developed an even deeper appreciation for and relationships with friends and family who are healthy for me.

I agree with Pingo -- you need and deserve a place where you are nurtured and validated, and I hope you find it. 

Sounds like my kinda girl Elpis send her my way. Lol kidding. That's a bummer though. 2014 was a heck of a rough year.

Bwahahahaha :)

I had a house inspector in the other day and later joked with my friend about having a man in my bedroom... .she was teasing me, asking me if anything happened   and I said no, he wasn't my type... .he wasn't a LOSER!

On a more serious note, YES! 2014 SUCKED!

Elpis,

I am sorry you had to go through all of that.    It is hard enough coping with a physical illness, let alone with someone completely invalidating the physical pain associated with it.  I find it very strange that she is involved in your relationship with your husband. Good for you telling her to mind her own business!

Think of leaving as a blessing in disguise.  You have enough stress to cope with and do not need more from your roommate. Stress is probably terrible for your fibromyalgia.  

I am glad that you will be staying in a better environment.  

2014 did indeed suck... .

I'm sorry Elpis,

I had roommates from 18 until I was 27, and then one briefly for a few months when I was 30. I won't talk about uBPDx from 36 to 42  

Except for the last one, I grew to not like any of my roommates for various reasons. It's tough living with people. You lived with your previous one for almost 4 decades, with multiple kds and puppies even. It's a tremendous transition. I know how expensive it is to live where we do. It doesn't leave many choices, but I'm glad you have friends who are looking out for you.

That you all for weighing in and knowing what i'm feeling!

Deeno, At least WE ARE DONE with 2014 and it will never come again. PHEW.

While I would never send her your way, Blimbam, I might send her toward my uBPDh... .bwahahahahha

Thanks, EaglesJuju, stress is quite hard on the ol' fibro. And with the ex roomie being so similar to my uBPDh, I just stayed right in that pot of stress. Good grief! And they both want everything their way, don't share well, and don't recognize "common space" as opposed to "personal" and want to control AAAAALLLLL the space.

HappyNihilist, good for you getting out of those relationships--i'm working myself that direction! So far the people who my therapist said "why are you still friends with these people?" have proven to not be worthy of my energies because they can't be bothered to see "reciprocal" is the main part of a relationship. So as I spend less energy on them, the further away they become. Healthy supportive people are da bomb.

Workinprogress, I think she must be. there are just too many similar phrasings and beliefs. Another one that occurred to me was when during her "talk" she gestured at me sitting on the couch and in her explanation of how if I left and had the marital money split "you won't be able to continue to do--THIS--" before she got to how miserable I will be, just like her. My h is totally jealous of the fact that because I have this chronic pain and fatigue condition that i'm on disability and don't work. I knew my roommate would get there in time. It's like he's building a team of the disenchanted and bitter to join him in saying "yeh, HER, she has it so easy!" Damn straights I do, I will never be bitter or miserable like you folks, no matter what my pain level is! (and even that should improve away from them.)

Turkish, it's tough to live with people, for sure! Especially the mean-spirited ones. I like most people, but I think I like the ones best who are willing to accept that I also have boundaries, and I also have rights. Here's to me!

Here's to better days in 2015 for aaaaaaalllllll of us!